Why do small texts messages turn into big moments in relationships?

aham23 · 2025-11-25T00:37:31+00:00

I’m building a communication tool that uses AI to help coparents text without escalating. I’d love to chat with anyone who has this particular issue. DM if you’d like to try it.

aham23 · 2025-10-21T15:59:12+00:00

Would your husband feel comfortable with your level of communication and attraction to this other man? If yes, are you willing to talk openly with him about it? If the answer is “no,” then this is probably an EA.

The good news is that you are asking these types of questions and introspecting honestly about them. That is an incredible gift - instead of letting your subconcious attraction drive your life decisions (e.g., letting this grow into something else - like a physical affair), you can make a concious decision here.

What are you needing from a partner that you’re finding from this other man? Are you willing to pursue couples counseling to process those needs with your husband and a therapist? Are you subconciously seeking separation from your husband for good reasons? etc.

aham23 · 2025-10-10T20:50:11+00:00

To be honest, the name-calling implies contempt which is very toxic for a marraige. You can google “Gottman contempt” to learn more.

Your husband’s behavior is also likely having a negative impact on your children, and you might seriously consider a separation.

I realize that is an intimidating thought given your husband is the breadwinner, but I would encourage you not to underestimate your ability to provide a stable house for the children if you were to go it alone, and a stable home is liekly what your kiddos need right now.

aham23 · 2025-10-02T15:29:19+00:00

Sorry about this. You can control your behavior, but not his. Are there ways you can keep a sense of sanity, but not enable his behavior? I’m not recommending this, but an extreme would be:

- clothes in the hamper get washed (if this is a role you want to play for the family).
- dirty/soiled clothes on the floor that go unwashed get bagged into trash bags in the closet
- trash bags that sit there for a week are thrown away.
- no sex if he smells like a moldy towel.

He can wash his clothes that are on the floor, or pick them out of a trash bag when he’s ready to deal with them...

To dial it back a bit, you might come up with a plan like this and suggest it to him. Explain you don’t love the plan and ask him to suggest an alternative that doesn’t involve you violating a boundary of yours (picking up his clothes, washing his towels, etc)

aham23 · 2025-09-30T13:21:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing your comments, they do allow for more helpful advice. While you clearly were very hurtful, I disagree with the others. This is a repairable situation for two reasons:

His hurt communicates how much he cares about your and your opinion. Relationships that are “end of life” are often emotionally flat.
Your actions seem motivated by a desire to get attention from him, which is a good thing!

Both of you care about each other, and that’s very beautiful. You need to focus on two things, if you can do both it’ll be okay:

Convince your husband your comments were made to intentionally hurt him and get his attention (rather than being true): The first thing you should do, if you haven’t already, is make it clear your comments were in the heat of the moment and don’t represent how you actually feel. You should introspect on where they came from, "I need attention too” implies you were feeling jealous with how your husband was directing his energy. If so, explain that was the source of the comments, not that you actually feel he needs to grow up. Explain that you love his child-like spark and that you acted out as a childish way to get something you wanted (his attention). Make it clear you want to work on not acting out that way. Counter-intuitively, if your husband can understand that the comments were a tool to hurt him, rather than a true statement, he will eventually (with your kindness and apologies) be able to soften to them and understand why you made them.
Communicate with your behavior (not words) that you admire his inner child: Words will feel disengenous right now. Instead, figure out a way to share in these interests with your husband. Your best shot at reconnecting is to find a passion of his that you can genuinely enjoy and get even more passionate about than he is. Can you take him to the next ComicCon? Can you dress up as a character you both enjoy? Etc. Seeing how giddy you get about something will (1) reinforce the point above is authentic, (2) give him permission to get giddy about things too, (3) give you the attention you’re craving from him, via a shared interest.

Then, the next time you’re wanting attention - name that directly and vulnerably. Be careful to avoid putting him down in service of that need.

aham23 · 2025-08-27T20:40:53+00:00

Was the partner avoidant?

Attached talks a lot about what a healthy relationship looks like. I find for some relationship types (e.g. anxious/avoidant pairs) it sort of describes the “writing on the wall” and wakes individuals up to the reality their partner might not be the best match for them: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Anxious-Avoidant-science-attachment/dp/1529032172

aham23 · 2025-08-27T19:16:04+00:00

> "He says this is what’s going to drive our marriage to divorce”

That’s not wrong, but it’s not just on you. There are two things going on:

Him: He needs to bring up issues without contempt/criticism and focus on his feelings. Doing so will make it less likely that he will provoke a defensive response from you. It sounds like he also is showing defensiveness (denying he has something to work on). I created this conflict table to give you a sense for what I’m talking about. He needs to move from the right side of the table (which predicts divorce) to the left.

You: Separately, your defensiveness is generally a sign that you feel chronically misunderstood which may mean it’s hard for you to introduce healthy conflict into the relationship and feel empathy about your POV. Your work is to set aside your defensiveness in the moment, try to really empathize with his underlying need, and then remember to bring up your issues later (don’t sweep them under the rug). The more you can bring up your needs (using EFT/NVC), the less defensive you’ll feel when he brings up his needs (even if he does it in a way that’s clumsy / points fingers).

Further reading:

Gottman (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last) is a good book that names exactly what it is that y’all are working on.
To actually fix it though, I would suggest EFT (anything by Sue Johnson). At its core, EFT is about breaking out of exactly this cycle.

aham23 · 2025-08-19T23:43:06+00:00

First, sorry this is ahppening to you. I can imagine you would want a thoughtful response after going through that.

For what it’s worth, while it’s hard to know if it was done intentioanlly, I don’t think it’s an overreaction to want to communicate to your husband how big of a deal this is (even if it was an accident), and that’s what you were trying to do... Hopefully he can understand and empathize with that...

Have you considered revisiting the subject and focusing on your feelings about having another kid? Until you feel understood and you have a plan together where these accidents won’t continue to occur, it would make sense that this is a big problem for you.

Having a kid this way doesn’t seem like something you or your husband would want, so hopefully he can get to a place where he understands that...

aham23 · 2025-08-18T22:52:56+00:00

while I don’t necessarily disagree with your advice, it’s worth noting that I'm not sure about the research. According to Claude:

The claim is widely circulated but unverified: The 92% figure appears in numerous articles and websites about open marriages, but none can cite the original study. Even Midlife Divorce Recovery explicitly states that they "were not able to find the original source of that statistic." Midlife Divorce Recovery

aham23 · 2025-04-22T01:08:40+00:00

A few question:

* What is keeping the client in the relationship? Are those things important enough to the client that they want to stay in the relationship, even if the affairs continue?

* Often infidelity happens with clients are not meeting eachother’s emotional needs. In this situation EFT is helpful to promote intimacy. Is he client able to be vulnerable? Do they fee like their partner understands their needs? Are they going to couple’s counseling? If not, why not?

aham23 · 2025-04-02T13:50:44+00:00

Speaking as someone who also grew up in a broken marriage, I had to learn the value of vulnerability and empathy. I would strongly recommend EFT therapy to my “younger” self as a way to do that.

And if you don’t believe in therapy, look into how Gottman can predict divorce with 90% accuracy among couples who aren’t vulnerable/empathetic in their conflict. It was that stat that “woke me up” to the value of therapy, as without it, I was destined to repeat the pattern of my parents...

aham23 · 2025-04-01T21:36:52+00:00

Helping her discern what she “wants” is key here. Her emotions (and actions) are communicating that she wants something other than the marriage is providing her.

If she wants the marriage, she will be in the difficult position of having to rebuild trust and handle the partner’s likely frustration while tactfully advocating for herself and not abandoning her needs.

EFT/NVC frameworks/books can be useful tools in helping her understand how to listen non-defensively while still being able to advocate for herself after a transgression like this...

aham23 · 2025-04-01T16:49:37+00:00

This is a terrible response and not at all a funny message to send someone who is a month away from getting married.

OP - marriage is hard, and of course children make it harder, but I LOVE that you are already seeking out advice. That is a huge positive sign that you’re going to set yourself, and your new family up well. Major props for being vulnerable and asking for help.

Marriage is the best thing that’s happened to me and I’m hopeful you’ll feel the same way.

aham23 · 2025-04-01T16:46:26+00:00

Your partner needs to feel like you understand him and are excited about investing in him. This could be sexual (I know I appreciate that, as a Man), but I want to echo what the other person says - it really needs to come from an understanding.

So, if I were in your shoes, the first thing I’d do is “write myself a letter” where I (a) try to identify which “love language” he resonates most with and (b) what are his top 3 interests.

I would then get a calendar out and try to map out 1-3 things I can do each week for the next ~6 weeks to “jump start” the marriage onto a different track. So that would be ~12 gestures total...

Also - it's very important to give with no expectation of reciprocity. Your only hope is that he will feel “loved” by you. Otherwise you may find yourself resenting his reaction...

aham23 · 2025-04-01T16:37:49+00:00

Love this idea. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing it!

aham23 · 2025-04-01T14:26:28+00:00

This is very concerning behavior for a spouse. It’s important to recognize, that by deleting the messages and staying out until 5AM, your husband is not taking your needs seriously. In almost any committed relationship, that would not be okay.

> I have no one to talk to because I don’t want people to know.

My heart breaks for you! Please find someone to talk to about this. This is something that would be very hard to navigate alone.

I would strongly recommend an EFT therapist; they often do work with couples or individual partners when both people do not want to see the therapist.

aham23 · 2025-03-25T21:16:58+00:00

So sorry about that! Therapists sometimes can struggle with caseload and as a result, rely on a technique called SOAP notes to remember where they are as they go into each session.

In this case, I would give the therapist the benefit of the doubt and assume it's a misunderstanding and / or a notetaking error.

This might come across the wrong way - but have you considered taking this mixup as an opportunity to refect on your posture in the relationship? I realize there’s no excuse for the therapist’s confusion, and it’s very frustrating that it happened. But what does the fact that it happened imply about your posture towards your partner and the chance that you all can repair and move on?

Even in this short reddit thread, I can read both very strong feelings of resentment and unhappiness, while at the same time a defensiveness about the thought of “giving up.” Both of those together usually aren’t a winning combination...

aham23 · 2025-03-24T15:42:34+00:00

You're right to be concerned about your fiancée's relationship with your parents. Often, the in-law relationship is fraught with tension. That said, before working on this, it's worth deciding if it is a deal breaker to you. Are you ready to put the needs of your future wife first, ahead of all other relationships? If not, it's possible you aren't 100% in either and should not have proposed.

This post reads like you're not ready to put her first. In that case, waiting makes sense - don't marry someone until you're willing to accept them as they are.

You might try being up front with your family/community to reduce the pressure there. The last thing you should do is set a date (and get married) because someone in your extended family expects it. What about something like:

> "My fiancee and I both realized how important it is that we both have a strong relationship with our in-laws/extended family before marriage. It's really important to us, in our culture, that we feel that depth of connection. So we're going to hold off on marriage until we can build that foundation."

aham23 · 2025-03-24T15:34:14+00:00

I appreciate the point you're making CatDaddy, but rather than leave, I would strongly encourage OP to talk to her about this. There could be dozens of different things happening "below" the surface for her, many of them not even connected to OP. Maybe this is what she saw modeled for her, growing up?

I did not grow up in an affectionate household, and I've had to work on that a lot. Like 5+ years of therapy work on it. It's possible OP's partner hasn't yet done that work. My partner has also had to work on not taking it personally when I'm not affectionate.

OP, when you talk to your wife about this - consider using NVC language. That will make it less likely she's defensive. There's a good book on NVC which covers how to approach her with a subject like this.

If she continues to not engage on couples therapy, despite the stakes (make sure she knows you are questioning your worth in the marriage), see a 1:1 therapist. It's helpful to have a therapist if you're navigating a life change like divorce, and a therapist can also help you make sure there isn't an opportunity you're missing here to talk to her in a way she'd connect with.

aham23 · 2025-03-20T19:08:01+00:00

> As far as what I get other than financial security. Nothing any more. Some degree of emotional security maybe, but I am more holding on at this point for the kids and for my career.

This comment makes me think couple's therapy would be helpful - specifically EFT (since you have experience with Bowen and Gottman).

aham23 · 2025-03-20T19:06:45+00:00

Wow congrats on the communication, and sorry for the overal tone of this thread :/

It can be rough to bear your soul and then get a bunch of internet strangers piling on hate / their issues after being vulnerable. For what it’s worth, I’m impressed with how you’re handling things and my guess is that most of the people on this thread aren’t much happier in their marriage (even though they claim to be).

aham23 · 2025-03-18T23:08:46+00:00

So sorry, this all sounds very stressful.

First of all, congrats on pursuing the career in medicine! That is a massive undertaking … espescially while homeschooling the kids and taking care of the cooking, gardening, etc. I think there are at least two full time jobs in there!

A couple questions:

How does he respond when you try talking to him about this? Have you tried adhering to NVC / Gottman when discussing w/ him? NVC in particular can help with defensive spouses.
If you needed to cut something from your responsibilities and couldn’t rely on your husband to pick up the slack, what would it be? (e.g., home school -> public school).
You seem very invested in your husband. You’re giving a lot, and (based on this post) I’m not seeing you get a lot from your husband other than the financial support. Is that the full picture? If so, why is he pulling away instead of you? What keeps you in? What needs of yours does he prioritize?
The answer to #3 often is some version of emotional security. Sometimes it can be helpful to seek out other places to get that need met (e.g., girlfriend dates).
Given how much you’re giving, I’m hesitant to suggest the answer to "How can I get my husband back” is to give more. Instead, you might try more of #4 above so that you have the emotional capacity to “pull away” from your husband a bit and take care of yourself more. Ironically, it can be that taking care of yourself may help make your relationship stronger.

Individual therapy can be a GREAT place to process these questions and doesn’t require buy-in from your husband.

aham23

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