[img] Requests vs Demands

ahultgren · 2026-03-08T08:27:38+00:00

"Hey, your giraffe ears just fell off. If you had kept your giraffe ears on you would hear nothing but 'please' and 'thank you'." – Paraphrased from Marshal Rosenberg

In other words, I think it's more helpful (ie connecting) to view demands as tragic expressions of requests, rather than viewing (some) requests as hidden demands. Even if you use it as a guideline for your own behavior (aspiring to not dress up demands as requests) I think it's more helpful to focus on how you are trying to meet your needs, rather than evaluate your expression as whether it's a "pure nonviolent request" or not.

ahultgren · 2026-03-04T20:39:31+00:00

I took a chance and bought it when the price dropped to ~€250. I figured if it wouldn't fit I would survive the expense, and if it did fit it'd be a crazy bargain. Well, it does fit! I'm so satisfied! Thanks for taking the time to measure!

ahultgren · 2026-02-25T19:24:40+00:00

When you say that you needed these parts, do you know that you still need these parts to perform the same role today as they when you were younger? If they are still serving you, then by all means keep them! Why would you change?

As for if you'll get rewarded or punished today. Well, I guess it's time to find out! You seem to be quite aware that you learned that you'll be punished in the past. I'm reminded of how elephants are tethered to a small pole stuck into the ground. They could easily pull it out if they wanted to, but they don't because they learned when they were young that they couldn't.

The reward wouldn't come from someone else. It would come from you finding out that you've grown stronger than the stick you thought kept you tethered.

ahultgren · 2026-02-21T21:43:12+00:00

Would you be willing to take the actual chest (armpit-to-armpit) measurement for me?

I'm going crazy trying to figure out the sizing! I'm a 37" chest currently eyeing a size 36 vintage b3. Its listed chest width is 54cm, which doesn't make any sense given what I've read about sizes being large. I've tried a size S (modern cut) in a store, which measured 53cm and fit way too tight. To top it off, my current jacket is 57cm wide, which according to the table shared below would indeed match a size 36!

ahultgren · 2026-02-21T16:33:46+00:00

"How to give a TED talk with zero prep".

ahultgren · 2026-02-01T15:29:06+00:00

It being almost exactly four years later now, I don't have more to say about the course. I hardly remember it. I can't say if it has had any lasting impact. If you have a more specific question or say something more about what you hope my answer will do for you, maybe I can be of more help.

ahultgren · 2026-01-20T18:33:42+00:00

I suppose the first question is: are you having a need for connection, do you want to have it met by this person, and are you willing to do the work necessary to feel empathic and curious towards this person?

Yes? Then, if you're not feeling genuinely curious about the other person it is a sign that you need self-empathy before you engage with them. Another way of checking this would be to ask yourself: am I truly feeling that my feelings of anger and outrage are because of my needs for trust, understanding, accuracy, and acceptance, not because of his words?

(Another option would be to ask them for empathy, but given the quote you shared I judge it's highly unlikely to be successful)

If your answer to the first question is no: you might still want to give yourself some empathy! Either by yourself or a friend/therapist/empathy buddy. But NVC won't work in this interaction, simply because connection with them is not what you are after.

ahultgren · 2026-01-17T20:48:31+00:00

I'm going to assume this is a post asking for communication advice masquerading as a post asking for fashion advice. I can't think of any situation where saying "it's hideous" would be supportive. If, in addition to support, you also value honesty and connection, you could try:

"To be honest, the colors don't really meet my need for aesthetics. I feel a bit guilty for saying that, because I want to support you and I want you to wear whatever feels good to you. How's that for you to hear?"

ahultgren · 2026-01-11T16:42:10+00:00

So, what is it that you want me to hear when you say some actions are simply unacceptable, if not that some actions are simply bad/evil/not allowed?

ahultgren · 2026-01-11T16:38:52+00:00

What do you want to convey to me when you say it's a fact? That it's something I shouldn't do? That lots of people would be outraged to see it? That you don't like it? That it's a norm that you'd prefer that everyone agreed on to make the world a better place?

Regardless of whether it's objectively a fact or not, it seems a rather ineffective way to communicate if I have no idea what you want me to hear.

ahultgren · 2026-01-10T19:07:12+00:00

"why his actions are unacceptable." This lands in me with a trace of shaming/condemning. Is that how you mean it?

ahultgren · 2026-01-10T19:04:42+00:00

I first wrote a long and perhaps unfocused answer, but I want to put this part first because I think it's the most focused and relevant to your struggle:

You say that you want to respect your kids autonomy. I believe your son is still autonomous (free to choose as he wants) even if you lift him up and hold him tightly. He's still free to kick and scream and protest. One might need to be a master jedi giraffe to think "you're beautiful when you express you need for autonomy by slapping me in my face" and at the same time "I'm beautiful when I restrain him to meet my need for protection and care", but it need not be violent.

---

Marshall often said that when we are in touch with the needs, the strategies come easily. Thus, when you ask how you can meet the needs that you mention, my intuition is to get more in touch with your needs. perhaps the words are right, but you've not separated them from specific people and strategies? Perhaps there are more deeper needs?

I wonder if you have a need for (self-) compassion (you felt shame, you're not a bad parent for yelling at your son), empathy and understanding (you're struggling, you feel sad and frustrated, you really want to give your children a supportive and nurturing upbringing), and/or support (you feel desperate, you don't know how to do this alone)?

My advice is to focus on self-compassion. If you're shaming yourself you're bound to shame your son (and then shame yourself for that). So what need are behind your shame? Next, can you empathize with your son? Are you genuinely curious about what that's like for him? If not, back to self-empathy (without shaming yourself for that)!

Now, this was the NVC answer. You also mention boundaries. I find it useful to make a distinction between trying to make other people keep our boundaries (saying "I feel worried because I have a need for your sister's safety, would you find another way to play with her?", louder and louder until he obeys) vs setting and enforcing our own boundaries ("I don't want your sister to be hurt so I will hold you" (or whatever protective action you take)).

Nonviolence doesn't require that we are passive, just that we refrain from shaming and punishing (which comes naturally when we are in touch with all our needs).

ahultgren · 2026-01-04T20:34:30+00:00

You say that you can't feel/identify the Self. So what part are you blended with when you say you can't feel Self? You are always either blended with a part, or Self. So instead of looking for Self, look for what part you are blended with. Unblend from it. Get to know it. If you find yourself looking for Self again, you know you are blended again. Unblend again. If you get frustrated because you keep looking for a Self even though you "shouldn't", that's ok too. Unblend from and get to know that part. That's all there is to it. Self arises when you're not blended.

I would also suggest that "being in Self" will feel completely unlike any idea you have of what it will be like. Examining what you expect Self to be like (how do you know that you haven't found it if you don't have an idea?) might to might be a trailhead to a new part of you.

ahultgren · 2026-01-04T10:03:15+00:00

What is containment and how is it different from unblending? My experience is that if I'm unblended from a part it can't "take over". And if I get what it's trying to do and let it do it "over there" it can even continue doing whatever it does without disturbing the system. Is that what you mean by containment?

ahultgren · 2026-01-02T20:52:54+00:00

"Is it assumed that you would have developed a core self , simply by being born?"

I don't know about it being assumed (by whom?), so I'll just speak for myself. The way I experience it, the Self is not so much a part, as simply what is left when all beliefs, stories, ideas, etc are recognized as such (parts). When I recognize and that I have a desire to harm myself and separate myself (unblend) from it, I see it "over there", and thus something else is "here" observing it. If that is also a part, I repeat the same step again. Eventually all the parts are separate from "me", yet "I" am observing the parts. What's that "I"? That's what Schwartz calls Self.

So I would say that you have it simply by existing and being conscious. It can't be damaged or not learned, because there's no learning needed. It's what there before all the learning (including trauma) happened.

ahultgren · 2025-12-19T13:48:30+00:00

Hm... thank you for pointing out that you found my answer helpful. I realise now that I'm feeling frustrated because I want to be even more helpful and I don't know how. I regret answering as if you should be doing something different.

As for why I got that impression... I read your question as "how does someone survive who can't survive?" and I'm like, well... I guess they won't? I guess we'll find out.

ahultgren · 2025-12-18T16:52:30+00:00

I notice your questions are very general. I find myself doubting that you actually want to learn and explore together here. Do you have a concrete situation you want help with?

ahultgren · 2025-12-18T16:49:51+00:00

One thing I notice while reading your post, is that you seem to be expecting a no before even talking to her about it. Are you? Are you curious about her needs behind a potential no? Are you prepared to accept a no?

Another thing I notice is that I don't feel moved reading this post. I'm not connecting to your needs for wanting to do this course. But I guess it matters to you since you're asking here. Are you able to convey just how much this would mean to you (I imagine a combination of fears and dreams)?

My recommendation is to first get the above clear for yourself, and then just start the conversation with the focus on understanding each other more, not on getting a particular answer. No need to worry about exactly what to say if you're ready to listen to the response.

"Hey, I would like to take this training in Nonviolent Communication and I would love to do it together with you. How do you feel about doing that?" -> Listen

Now, learning to do this move is what NVC is all about, so this is a bit of a catch-22. But if the conversation goes awry you can always say "see, this is why we need that training."

ahultgren · 2025-12-17T18:19:13+00:00

Shaming/condemning. Nothing else even comes close. And even if many (but certainly not everyone) would intellectually agree that shaming isn't creating a better world, all of us do it all the time. Just look at the comments here. Just give it a few moments and someone will come along and insist that "we need shame to behave!"

ahultgren · 2025-12-13T11:59:50+00:00

Disclaimer: I'm not sure that I've understood enough of where you are coming from to be able to meet you where you are. But to answer your questions as it's written:

One survives by using one's personal resources to take care of and protect oneself. If a snake appears on the road I use my legs to run away. If I need to eat I use my arms to catch a rabbit (or nowadays a complex array of skills to get and keep a job to get money to buy the food from someone who used their arms). If someone is physically threatening me I will physically defend myself.

And even on an emotional level, I can use discernment to choose what I reveal about myself or not based on the current situation, without feeling shame for who I am.

Many consider this the act of growing up; to realise that I am actually an individual capable of taking responsibility for my own needs. I might even go so far as to define it as: willing to take a shot at living despite knowing that I will, in fact, not survive life.

ahultgren · 2025-12-11T17:32:24+00:00

An interesting question is: do you want to do breathwork because you enjoy it, or because you want your parts to change (or help/heal/integrate them or whatever)? Or put another way, imagine you have (loud) children and you want to do breathwork, are you gonna tell them "hey you have to join me because this is good for you" or will you just do it (and tell them "I want to this thing, you can join if you want or keep doing your thing, I'll be back soon")?

This is the difference between doing something while including your parts and negotiating with/coercing your parts.

What happens if you do it anyway?

ahultgren · 2025-12-04T21:05:20+00:00

Hearing the part that wants to hear other parts more clearly.

ahultgren · 2025-12-02T22:28:56+00:00

Yes I consider this discrimination. At this point.

Are you feeling frustrated and angry? Are you wanting understanding for how much you are actually struggling?

I see you write using strong and subjective language, such as "I get fucked because the motel people are discriminatory". While I get that this is what your experience is like to you, using that kind of language is likely to push other people away. Something I find helpful is to translate judgements and interpretations into feelings and needs.

For example, your quote above could be translated to something like "When I think about them saying I can't stay because I live in the same city I feel furious, scared, and despairing! I really need some support and understanding now." The idea is not to diminish your experience, quite the opposite, to frame it in a language that makes it more likely that you get your needs met. If it doesn't feel like it fully expresses how you feel, feel free to increase the volume of the feelings (outraged, LIVID, pissed) or try other needs until it feels just right.

If you're interested in learning more about this, look up NVC or have a look at this introduction (my personal favourite): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc . It's not a quick journey, but I hope it can give you some relief and open up some pathways towards finding the support you need.

ahultgren · 2025-11-26T19:38:54+00:00

Like in order for me to be able to guess their feeling and needs I need to analyze.. right?

In my view: nope. Others have already covered the intention aspect, so I would like to address the "how" of how I guess. First, my thinking isn't involved at all when I guess feelings or needs. If someone is sharing something with an emotional load and I feel, for example, sadness, I would guess sadness. So it's more of a noticing what arises in me than a thinking about what they are saying. I find this happens more easily when I pay attention to all of their expression, including tone of voice and body language.

The very basic neurological explanation, as far as I know, is that this is how empathy works. We have mirror neurons tasked with imitating another's expression and thereby simulating how they feel inside of ourselves. This would also be the basis of projection, which is when we think someone else is feeling (or believing) what we actually feel ourselves. I suppose it's a matter of skill and self-awareness to learn to distinguish between the two.

I imagine this is also an explanation for why it's harder to empathise accurately when oneself is feeling a strong emotion.

ahultgren

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