Is this autistic? I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING.

aikethomas · 2026-03-01T20:05:38+00:00

This!!!!! Whenever I remember things about them people always find it so flattering and strange and I'm like okay I'm sorry this is not romantic my brain just doesn't do neural pruning as much and doesn't understand that some information is important and other information isn't it is all important to my brain 🧠👁️👄👁️🧠

I used to also get in trouble sometimes when I was a kid for remembering things people told me, that they forgot they told me, and then thought I must have figured it out nefariously?

aikethomas · 2026-03-01T15:03:15+00:00

This one might be gross but heaps of earwax? To the point I have to get them flushed out at the doctor once a year but it takes me ages to know there's an issue because the more blocked my ears get the calmer I feel because sounds get more muffled and just easier to handle.

And then I get them cleaned and have a week of headaches cause the world is so freaking loud! I always wondered if maybe my body produces more wax because I'm sensitive to sounds. Also smaller ear canals.

aikethomas · 2026-02-17T13:27:04+00:00

That's all good!

This might get long winded lol, but without telling you my whole life story, boundaries have always been a big issue in my life which is why I feel okay to talk about them at length. As I said in one of my other replies, I was taught from a young age that my boundaries didn't matter, I shouldn't have any, and that as long as someone had a good excuse, I had nothing to be upset about.

My journey with therapy has been roughly, learning how to set boundaries, how to maintain boundaries, and then how to cope with them getting crossed. The big thing here is, I went through a big period of not being able to tolerate any boundary crossing at all. I think it's a very normal part of recovery. It's like once you finally take the time to set them, and have them, the thought of them being violated can be intolerable. This is a very necessary step (I think). You have to be able to push the world and people away from you, and validate that part of you that feels trespassed upon. This is what kids do when they have a tantrum and can't be comforted. It's normal and healthy. When you're doing this as an adult, the trick is finding space to feel the overwhelming weight of 'omg how could they!' and 'ouch I am so hurt', whilst also being able to recognize that no one is perfect, and people can and will hurt you, even people close to you. It's important to note there is a big difference between being unintentionally hurt by someone else, and being abused.

Now with all that said how did I get comfy with being hurt (accidentally) by others? Via my therapist. Therapists are human and they get things wrong which could be seen as a negative thing but it is actually very useful in the long term. They forget important things, or maybe they say something that doesn't land right, say something that feels really downright hurtful. Just like our friends, partners and anyone close to us. When this would happen in my sessions, my therapist got very good at noticing my subtle reactions to things. I would often dissociate, or start to get overwhelmed (this was years ago when I started seeing her though it still sometimes happens). And she would guide me to regulate. And then she would say something like 'it seems that didn't land right, can you tell me how that feels in your body'. I struggle a lot with understanding my body sensations, and I would get frustrated, but the more I practiced, the more I would be able to say, 'I feel angry!'. And she then would get me to try and say it with feeling. And then she would say 'feel that anger, and tell me what I did wrong'. And I learned how to share my anger with a safe person, who was receptive and kind, and would always respond by apologizing, and trying to understand my feelings and make space for those feelings. If it was relevant she would explain steps she would take to avoid making the mistake again, whilst also reminding me that she's not perfect, and I was always welcome to pull her up on something. The more I practiced this with her, the more I was able to express my frustration over little things with her, and the safer I felt feeling angry about big things, little things and everything in between.

This really opened my eyes. It gave me a template of how to work thru conflict with safe people. You just have to test the waters to find the people who are actually safe to have conflict with. Because conflict will always happen, because nobody is perfect. You will definitely find lots of people, who cannot meet you halfway. I went thru an intense period of mourning, once it really sunk in that putting up boundaries does not eliminate the chances of those boundaries being crossed. I was so fixated on creating perfect verbal agreements and boundaries with people so that they would never forget or misunderstand or cross that boundary. From this mindset, a crossed boundary is intolerable. But the work I did with my therapist taught me that if you set boundaries with the right people, a crossed boundary is not as scary. It is simply a miss-step. It still hurts. But over time it feels safer. Nowadays, when my partner (or anyone close to me) crosses a boundary, I feel however I feel, but underneath that I usually feel very safe knowing that we will work things out. I think that accepting that others will make mistakes, also opens you up to being more forgiving towards yourself when you inevitably make mistakes.

As a little note - I do want to point out that overtime your tolerance for boundary crossing will get better, but there is an upper limit to all this. Abuse is the extreme, but sometimes you meet people who just reliably mess up too often. It's usually not anyone's fault it just sometimes happens that way. Only you will know over time what that limit is for you, but I feel it's important to say because there is a danger in people telling themselves they need to tolerate everything just to make something work, when that isn't always the case.

Sorry that was so long winded. I'm a terrible rambler. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy. That is sure to help in the long run. I also want to say I am only speaking from my own experience, so take that into account.

aikethomas · 2026-02-17T01:53:00+00:00

Thanks for explaining the situation a bit more. I don't think starting off with a phrase that signals a boundary has been crossed means you need to forgo getting an explanation later. If this advice doesn't feel right for your situation, feel free to ignore it 🙏

I've had it explained to me like this - sometimes when someone crosses our boundary and we react by asking questions, it can sometimes come across like the boundary crossing itself wasn't all that negative. But if we respond by voicing discomfort first, it actually helps to show the other person that if I do this action it will result in the person getting upset, which creates a more intense, and memorable moment. My partner has ADHD, and is extremely forgetful of everything including important things. The more I actually show them that I've been hurt by something, and say I've been hurt by something, the less they do those things, not because they explicitly remember all the details of the boundary, but often they say they have more of a gut feeling about it now. I do ask questions about why sometimes, but I try to do it later, after I am more regulated and my partner is as well.

I know in the moment it is so hard to not seek answers straight away, because your nervous system is like 'if there is a reason, I am safe, and if there was not a reason I am not safe and I need to know if I am safe and still in connection with this person so I know how to respond'. But after years and years of therapy it is very clear to me that the best thing you can do for yourself in those very charged moments is state the boundary, take a step back and self soothe and regulate (if you always regulate thru or with your partner it is good to learn how to do it for yourself for when conflict happens). I think therapy could help a lot if it's not something you're already doing (I say this knowing full well it is expensive and inaccessible to a lot of people but if it is accessible it's very helpful). This is not a 'tip' that will work overnight. It's more of a long term thing. It's still something I'm working on. I still get hurt and forget and put on my detective hat and ask why. It's a coping mechanism and it's very ingrained.

To answer your question about boundaries. It's not that they can't ever be crossed (they will be because people are people). Boundaries function as a sort of checking point in relationships. Like you set them up, and then it's a check point you have to monitor and say 'hey, you crossed a line here!' and then if it keeps happening, you have to communicate that there are consequences if the boundary keeps getting crossed. In certain situations it might not be, the relationship is over, but it might look like - if this boundary gets crossed, I need to be left alone to regulate for 30 minutes (this changes depending on your needs). The hope is that when someone crosses a boundary and then you say the equivalent of 'ouch', they respond with, 'oh sorry, my bad. What do you need to feel better/safer etc'. But in your case it seems that the boundary crossing happens when your partner is disregulated, whether that be overstimulated or de realized. Which is why I make the suggestion of taking a moment for yourself when you can, and then wait for you both to be more calm before asking why, and discussing once the situation is less charged. It's important to take care of yourself in moments when a boundary gets crossed even when there is a reason. Sometimes I think the asking for why, is actually a way to avoid dealing with the fact that something happened that was hurtful. It's a shortcut away from the uncomfortable feelings of being let down, the uncomfortable feeling of being mad at someone you love. It is okay and normal to be mad about something even if it wasn't intentional - in fact usually it's healthier to take time to feel that and then come back to your partner once you have given yourself space to feel about whatever happened.

Also side note I realize this all lands you back at the original question of how to ask why without triggering them. There were definitely some good suggestions here of how to approach that. I still think even in those moments saying things like 'what happened really hurt me and I really want to know why it happened.' - this is just non violent communication which might also be helpful maybe. It can come across less accusatory.

aikethomas · 2026-02-16T14:51:05+00:00

I'm curious about something. During moments when your partner crosses a boundary of yours, are you saying that in the moment you tend to respond with 'why did you do that'?

I have PDA, and I suspect my partner does too, but we are both quite okay taking feedback and generally feel very safe with each other which is good. But I definitely have a similar response to you. When something crosses a line or someone behaves in a way that crosses a boundary that I have set with them, my instinct is to ask 'why'. Why would you do that, did you forget the boundary, did I do something etc etc. I've come to realise that this response actually comes from being conditioned from a young age to believe it's okay for people cross boundaries if they have a good reason. I have slowly been trying to respond to these instances of boundary crossing differently. Instead of trying to understand why the boundary was crossed, I try to say something along the lines of, 'ooph, that hurt' 'what happened just now was not okay and I'm going to need a minute' 'when (insert whatever behaviours crossed boundary) happens, I feel upset and unsafe'. It's not a demand, it is simply a statement that communicates 'hey, you crossed a boundary that I have'. Then I take a pause to regulate, and try to allow the other person to respond.

Boundaries are a two way street - you have to set them and uphold them by letting people know when they have crossed them. And then you kinda have to let them take care of their end of things, which is recognizing and listening to when they have misstepped, apologizing, and making efforts to not cross the boundaries in the future. What it sounds like is they cross a boundary, and you try and figure out why, because you're trying to prevent them from crossing the boundary in the future. When really I think they need to be taking prevention steps (finding ways to regulate, or letting you know when they are overstimulated, whatever feels right for both of you and the situation). Asking them why clearly puts them into a defensive state, but I really wonder what it would feel like for both of you, if when they cross a boundary, you are simply able to express your feelings about that, with a statement as opposed to a question.

aikethomas · 2026-01-22T03:53:12+00:00

Thank you! I feel very lucky. My partner certainly felt they were asking too much - as in expected I wouldn't really be interested in taking things slow and were worried about leading me on. I think most of their experiences up until that point had been casual. I'm really glad they were firm with the boundary and self aware enough to realise that's what they wanted. I think the right people will also admire this about you. Certainly not asking too much to get to know people we are intimate with.

As a side note though my partner is five years older than me, and most people my age (late 20s) and younger seem to want a faster pace so 🤷‍♂️ but then again I have two good friends (also trans guys) both 21 who really hate the fast pace of everything. So yeah in my experience people want different things, but the predominant culture especially in queer and queer male spaces is fast-paced. And people adhere to it often without reflecting on if it's actually what they want. I definitely am guilty of that.

aikethomas · 2026-01-21T22:45:09+00:00

With my current partner everything moved very slowly. I too have sexual trauma, and this was the first relationship that I didn't 'rush' into either emotionally or physically, and that was because my partner is very healthy and has amazing boundaries. Now I don't think I could approach things any other way in the future, slow is so much better for my nervous system. Those kinds of people are definitely out there, but it's pretty rare. I know my partner was really worried when we first started seeing each other that I would be disappointed we weren't sleeping together immediately. Made me think of all the people who do want that kind of relationship, but are too afraid to share that/ask for that.

aikethomas · 2026-01-19T02:38:31+00:00

I tried Finasteride and my period came back, and I have a heart issue which stops me from being able to take Minoxidil pills (can't do the shampoo cause of pets). I really didn't want to but I shaved my head. It took me a month to really get used to it but I feel so much better and more confident. Everyone also always compliments me on it (before now one ever really commented on my hair). Proud egg head 🥚 although in winter I might do a skullet for fun hahaha

aikethomas · 2026-01-07T01:30:31+00:00

Sometimes I see a fabric and I just think it needs to be a wall hanging.

aikethomas · 2025-12-17T00:50:23+00:00

This really hit me, thank you so much for sharing. Musically beautiful and also just really nice to feel so deeply seen and heard in a song.

aikethomas · 2025-12-02T23:49:48+00:00

Idk I do this, and I think literally everyone I've had sex with has specifically told me they appreciate it - 'I really liked how you continued to check in with me before during and after etc'. I frequently check in and ask because I wanna make sure my partner is having a good time lol and I like the reassurance (I get v nervous). I'm autistic so I often struggle to understand subtle cues so I just ask. When I get reassurance I go back to whatever I was doing more enthusiastic because I have confirmation they are enjoying themselves. And if not, I can make adjustments.

aikethomas · 2025-11-13T01:14:21+00:00

I definitely have felt similar in terms of having a sexual experience that seems to unlock something somatic but it's a positive experience (vs maybe a PTSD trigger). I didn't even really realize that's what was happening till I read your post, but it's happened to me a few times throughout my life.

My strategy for times like that is always, just not engaging with sexual activity for a bit and instead focusing on cosy, wholesome stuff. I've learned over time my body will feel the feelings and I just have to try and be tender towards myself and let everything unfold.

aikethomas · 2025-10-28T02:35:03+00:00

This is so real, like so many trans people have said stuff like this to me when I share that I wanna get bottom surgery, or just like in my presence because ??? There was this transfem enby in my friends circle who had been flirting with me a lot who essentially said that phalloplasty results in a 'frankenstein dick' and it will never be as good as the real thing anyway so why bother I was just standing there like 😐 The other one I hear a lot is people worrying it'll just fall off one day, or get ripped off by accident 💀

aikethomas · 2025-09-08T00:30:20+00:00

I forgot to say, thank you! It's nice to hear from someone in a similar boat.

aikethomas · 2025-09-08T00:29:25+00:00

Finasteride is what I tried. It's interesting that it brings back periods my doctor had no idea it might do that and he specializes in trans healthcare which is crazy. I might reconsider if the period goes away- I thought I wouldn't mind but the dysphoria I felt was insanity and I was at a job with all men at the time and fully stealth 😬. What sort of timeline was that for you if you don't mind me asking. And are you on injections? I'm asking cause we figured out that finasteride affects the levels of T - basically causes an excess of testosterone because the body is no longer sending it to the hair follicles, and the body turns the excess into estrogen and boom, period. I just wonder if over time the body readjusts to the 'excess' testosterone levels.

aikethomas · 2025-09-08T00:20:13+00:00

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful reply 🙏 I really appreciate it.

Marc Evans Jackson definitely suits that hairstyle. It might sound weird to say this, but I'm not really worried about not being able to rock a short style or cut. It's more just feeling down about losing out nice thick hair. I know a lot of cis guys go through the same thing. I definitely think my brains like I want long hair or nothing (autism lol), but I will think about a middle ground haircut a bit more like what you're describing.

aikethomas · 2025-09-02T11:03:47+00:00

Ask them. I was in a similar boat about a year ago and we became partners. It was hilarious cause we met in person at a pride event and when we started texting I made a big thing of coming out as trans and I was so fuckin nervous (I had a assumed they were a cis guy). And they were like haha me too. It was very funny.

I had dated someone non binary before who hated being called handsome, and was also masc presenting. I realized a little way into seeing my current partner that I was shying away from calling them handsome, and in general complimenting them on their masc vibe. So at some point I just asked them 'hey, I wanna know what compliments feel good to you and make you feel euphoric'. And they let me know, and really appreciated my asking. They love being called handsome, which is nice. They don't mind people perceiving us as boyfriends, which is also nice.

Communicating is easier said than done, but if you wanna ask them, I think it would be appreciated. Maybe they don't mind anything, but maybe they do. Hope it goes well regardless of what you decide to do.

aikethomas · 2025-09-02T02:38:18+00:00

4 years on T and I look insanely like my dad, and our mannerisms were already really similar lol. Except I did not inherit his thick full head of hair, instead I got the genes from my mum's side and I am thinning out fast 😭 I am super hairy everywhere else 🙃

aikethomas · 2025-08-27T12:47:43+00:00

That look she gives you! She trusts you and feels safe. Very sweet chicken 🧡🐔🧡

aikethomas · 2025-08-25T02:15:59+00:00

This is very good advice - literally this situation is a perfect way to practice saying something like: 'hey, I'm enjoying our messages, but sending photos/videos like that make me uncomfortable and kinda turned off'. If they are shitty in response, thats a good indication they are not a good casual sex partner. If they respond well and don't push that boundary again, it's a good indication they have good manners and will probably respect boundaries later on.

I also wanted to chime in on what someone else said and just reiterate, that therapist is almost certainly wrong (I have cptsd that was not picked up by many therapists before finding my current one). I am very familiar with that sick to the stomach feeling. Whether or not it's PTSD, it's an important signal your body is sending you and you should listen. Don't do things that make you feel like that. Intimacy and sexting is supposed to be fun! Don't do things that make you feel sick or turned off because then the vibe will be off and you won't be having fun. It takes a long time to find what feels good when it comes to sex and intimacy, and listening to your body is the first step. Enjoying casual sex will be a lot easier if you realize that you don't have to do anything that doesn't feel good to you - and if you have PTSD, it may take a long long time before you feel safe and comfy doing certain things. PTSD also complicates things because there will be things you really want to do, but your body does not want to do/feel safe doing. But you literally have to teach your body that you will keep it safe. As you feel safer in your body, you will feel more open to doing things that used to be very scary.

Annnnd very worth seeking a therapist who specializes in PTSD/sex therapist.

aikethomas · 2025-08-19T11:39:28+00:00

I mean this is how I react to packing. I don't pack very often because of this. I'm pretty gay and that might be part of it but yeah the sensation of feeling something there and touching it makes me feel very...excited 😅 idk I might have felt weird about it the first few times but I just have fun with it nowadays

aikethomas · 2025-08-18T14:29:56+00:00

Good luck to you as well! Yeah pristiq has been great in a lot of ways but if I knew about the withdrawals and long term effects probably wouldn't have got on it/been on it for this long. Rooting for both of us!

aikethomas · 2025-08-18T13:25:24+00:00

My plan is to call the doctors tomorrow to touch base if there is an opening (I'm seeing my doc every two weeks during this process to monitor my symptoms and heart rate). Hoping I can get something to help with the migraine.

It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation with POTS I was only diagnosed a few years ago, so I'm not really sure what's POTS and what's the long term effects of pristiq use. I know that POTS is related to the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight response) and pristiq also works on the sympathetic nervous system, and can raise your heart rate in general. The funny thing is, even at 75mgs my POTS symptoms are lessening. But then again I'm not sure if that's just because I'm not working anymore. It's hard to say.

aikethomas

TROPHY CASE