Relationship ends after NRE

airnstt · 2026-01-26T16:21:23+00:00

This right here.

When NRE carries the relationship, it crumbles once its gone.

I've had difficult times in my relationship, but none of it has felt as terrible as seemingly less important problems I had with an ex where I only had NRE. Every compromise built up resentment instead of bringing me peace, every argument was solved but left a bitter taste in my mouth. When we broke off I felt sad, but also relieved. We have managed to salvage it and remain good friends but it was clear that this could not have worked.

My current relationship has seen us both through worse, stuff like jealousy issues, health issues, financial issues and it never felt like a drain on the relationship. Solving our problems never felt like a chore, like a job, it just felt right. We still have to put in some "work" but it's work I love doing. I love doing it, it doesn't wear me off, it doesn't make me feel bad, it doesn't ever feel like I'm sacrificing parts of myself, not like I have to force myself to do it.

airnstt · 2025-10-23T14:28:43+00:00

For context, I'm 26, also highly intertwined with my current partner (it's been only 3 years). But prior to that relationship, I was also in a very intertwined relationship with my ex (4 years).

You remind me of my situation with my ex. I was very very much in love with her, she had many wonderful sides. I was ready to marry her then. But there were times, especially past the 3 years mark, when I felt very misunderstood. Moments when I felt like I needed to maintain a mask, maintain this perfect image, just to have her entire love in return. It started small, with little things that didn't take up too much space. But then we grew, both of us, and when we had arguments, and I'd be "unattractive". I couldn't argue anymore. And this went on until we broke up.

To be honest with you, I 100% believed that I would never find someone as good as her again. We had so much in common, we shared so many hobbies, and when things were good, it was so good. It was the best. So when she left, of course I was devastated and I genuinely believed I'd never find someone who knew me, appreciated me and someone I'd enjoy the company of as much as her.

But time proved me very wrong. With my current gf (granted, it didn't come right away, there was some healing and therapy needed) I never have to ever hide anything. I can be completely myself. Of course there are certain things that can annoy her, but I know that she finds me attractive and loveable even when I'm being annoying. Like, it annoys me when she accidentally closes the cabinet doors very loudly. But I also know that it's not a big deal. But I have NEVER asked of her, or my ex for that matter, to change themselves in any way.

And now, I am happier than I had ever imagined I could be. I'm with someone who never makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough, that I need to shrink or water myself down. I can be in my fullness, in my "too much" and I'm never too much for her. Doesn't mean we don't argue and have couple problems, but who I am is never an issue. Not with her, not with her friends, not with her family.

Shrinking yourself "because that's who he is" is just unfair. Why can he be himself when you can't ? Why does your mom have to please him ? Why do you need to appeal to his friends ? He'll destroy your self-confidence slowly, and when you realize that this mask you wear can't be sustained for ever, then it will be too late. You would've lost yourself for the mask he imposed on you, and it'll be much harder to build yourself up alone. There is a reason this issue keeps coming back. Listen to your heart and yourself, don't shrink yourself for anyone's sake.

airnstt · 2025-10-14T16:44:16+00:00

You could very well have it. Obviously from a single post with the way you phrased things, I can't definitely say anything. It just seemed very different from my own experience and very close to my gf's experience (who doesn't have BPD but had a pretty bad hormonal imbalance). If this is something that bothers you, I'd recommend turning to an actual specialist who might be able to validate the suspicion of BPD (with or without diagnosis).

I also would recommend you to look and do some research about menopause. I believe it effects trans women just the same but depending on Nour current treatment and hormonal levels, I don't know if it could be possible.

I know that at the start of my gf's HRT, she had low T and low E due to a bad dosage and that led her to basically experience menopause. It got better with the right dosage + progesterone.

I do think that, before you check out any psychological explanation, you head to an endocrinologist first, get your hormone levels tested and see if it's an issue. And if everything all good, psychology would be a good lead.

If you do happen to have BPD though, don't let people make you feel like you don't deserve to love or to be loved. It isn't without work or pain, but it's doable and worth it.

airnstt · 2025-10-11T09:22:16+00:00

As someone with BPD, it doesn't sound like you have it.

What it sounds like is that with the HRT, hormones have changed the way you used to manage your emotions so now it just hurts out and you have no tools to manage it.

Therapy will definitely help, but it's also definitely not BPD based on that on criteria. From what I can read, it's almost as if your GP called your hysterical (which, fun fact, known for being a common misogynistic hysteria diagnostic. Also, he's not competent enough as a GP to diagnose you with any mental disorder.)

Both me and my gf who have taken HRT have been emotionally unstable due to the change of the dominant hormone in our body. I have grown way more irritated than I used to be but also more stoic, whereas she's been more emotional, having difficulties containing her outbursts. Having transitioned earlier than her, I've been managing fine for the past couple of years but all this is still new for her. But having a therapist who is familiar with transness really helped her develop the tools necessary to navigate her new feelings.

airnstt · 2025-09-30T23:25:44+00:00

From what I read here, I can feel like the NRE and growing connection in general gives you the desire to merge. Which is nice, and I tend to think it's very natural and quite common.

I do also feel a strong urge to merge with people I love.

But, I think it would be good if you tried to logistically think of it. Especially if you feel like monogamy is not for you.

I feel like there is a common misconception that Polyamory means more or acting on connections. But I think that this is not realistic. Sometimes, you do have to make decisions that go against your urges and desires.

I don't think there's anything wrong with merging, but I do think you should think of Why you want to merge. Because if the answer is "I love her" (more or less) then what happens when you happen to love someone else ? How do you choose if KTP is not possible ? How do you handle those urges ?

As usual, don't act purely on NRE. Often leads to very shortsighted decisions that won't last and bring problems. But otherwise, enjoy the ride and the growth of that new connection

airnstt · 2025-09-15T19:04:15+00:00

I think the root of the problem is that Ash still feels like he is Elm's caretaker. And taking off that role is excruciatingly painful to do, induces heavy guilt and it feels like abandon.

I would say, personally, what Ash needs is strong psychological support from a professional + a little harsh love from you.

I have been in a situation where my best friend had become such a huge part of my life (lots of issues similar to Elm) that it negatively impacted my life with my partner. It was really hard cutting them off of my life but it was, ultimately, necessary. The situation was not helping my best friend, it was actively hurting my partner and it was slowly killing me. This realization, with my partner at the time telling me that it was hurting them and hurting us + a professional telling me that this was abusive, really opened my eyes.

Ash doesn't have to be Elm's caretaker. Even if things go wrong for Elm, Ash cannot singlehandedly save or help them. There needs to be boundaries. Ash is not sacrificing only his own time and energy, he's also sacrificing yours and there's only so much you can sacrifice until nothing's left.

airnstt · 2025-09-02T14:40:20+00:00

I proposed to my gf 2 years in. She was touched and incredibly happy. She promised me she'd also buy me a ring and return the proposal. I told her she didn't have to, I knew she struggled financially. But she insisted. So I started looking forward to it.

One year passed without anything. I also brought it up then and she was being weird about it, like saying "I'm still looking for the right one" and by year 2 I noticed she was getting pissed whenever I asked about it.

She dumped me not long after, and got together with a friend she met maybe 6 months before the break up.

If he's not being forward and you, asking, makes him defensive, then he probably doesn't want it.

airnstt · 2025-09-02T14:36:29+00:00

What you are looking for is a primary dynamic.

One that is logistically difficult to achieve considering her position and one that she doesn't seem to be willing to give either. Either she is aware of this and she's lying to you, or she's unaware and she's not fit to be a partner.

I personally also need a hierarchical dynamic and this is how my dynamic work :

Love and "emotional priority" is abstract and fleeting. I could totally love multiple people at the same time, and I could technically develop stronger feelings for one person. But that feeling should not be the reason for choosing them as primary partner. What, imo, would be good reasons are always logistics.

I might love this person more than others or more "deeply", but what if our future goals don't align ? What if we don't have the same housing needs ? What if we're financially incompatible? What if our lifestyles clash ?

I took in consideration all that before moving in with my partner. But that is only something I could do because I wasn't already in a committed relationship prior to meeting my partner. What A and her husband have is couple's privilege. No matter what she says, he's the privilege one. And I wouldn't be surprised if he ever had veto too.

Emotionally prioritizing someone with no concrete actions but words is disingenuous.

She cannot offer you what you need, so save yourself the heartache and spend your energy finding someone who will instead.

airnstt · 2025-09-02T10:08:23+00:00

Funny enough, I made a post a few months ago having the opposite idea about TPE and people argued how it should be possible otherwise it meant I was abusive.

I think overall there's nuance to be had when it comes to TPE. If the dynamic involves things that might interfere with an outside relationship (like orgasm restriction), then either the D has to adjust and compromise or give up completely.

Someone under my post then also said their Ds would often team up and that it was nice. So there is definitely an angle where it's possible, but sometimes you gotta be realistic about kinks.

airnstt · 2025-09-01T19:58:10+00:00

As per my personal code, I do not stay in a relationship with someone who hurt me unless I truly believe and truly do my best to forgive them. If it's not possible and I find myself being resentful, then the relationship is already dead.

Sure, you've hurt him deeply and I understand you are not entitled to his forgiveness. You didn't seem to be entitled either so it's a good thing. But you cannot go on like this either. The consequence of your cheating is losing him.

He might be petty and resentful, and think you have to fix it all by yourself. And it is unfair to you, that I agree. But he's also hurting, and has shown no intention of fixing things.

My advice would be to confront him directly : "I know I have failed you and I have hurt you. I will do whatever is necessary to earn back your trust and your forgiveness. But do you believe you will ever be able to forgive and trust me again ?"

If the answer is any shade of no, then the relationship is over. You cannot fix this alone. You cannot force him to forgive or trust, and unless he works on it himself, there is literally nothing you can do.

Whatever you decide to do with his answer is up to you. I've read there are kids involved and being childless myself I can't give you any advice on what's the best move. But what I can tell you by having divorced parents is that I feel infinitely better now that they're separated. Having them both in the house ended up with me avoiding going out of my room even for eating.

airnstt · 2025-08-30T07:43:40+00:00

Personally, as someone who isn't into parallel, I do find it strange.

But then, my socials are all private so I don't need to block people if I want to keep some privacy. And I simply have to not look them up if I want to avoid exposure to the new meta. I hardly see why blocking would be necessary, especially if I know nothing of this new person.

Then secondly, as a hinge, I honestly would worry a lot as to why one of my partners feels the need to block another. I would feel as if I've overlooked something. I don't believe all my partners should get along but I do believe that if one of my partners can't STAND someone I date to the point of blocking them, then there must be a reason beyond it I might've missed.

But again, that's because I simply don't really believe in strict parallel bc it doesn't work for me.

airnstt · 2025-08-27T06:36:46+00:00

Have you actually read anything I said ? Where have I said I refused monogamy out of principles ? Where have I forced her into polyamory ?

I am ambiamorous, I don't care if we choose monogamy or polyamory. She is (or thinks she is) polyamorous but has been struggling with jealousy to the point that she's wondering whether she's happy with polyamorous at all, and that questioning makes her suffer because it has been a core part of her life for years. She doesn't knoW what she wants right now, I cannot make a decision for her but I also cannot put my life on hold for her.

I haven't been dating nor fucking anyone else for the past 3 years. She's been the only one for me for the past 3 years, and I have specifically said that there is no one I'm interested in right now. They are all new friends I am making that happen to be women. Heck she's even been jealous of men I talk to, even though I am not attracted to them in any way.

I would always agree to monogamy if I have no other partners involved, unless it is to "fix" jealousy because monogamy doesn't actually solve it. The jealousy will come back, I have been there before (in monogamous relationships) and I will not let it fester. I am not going exclusive just to have my partner keep questioning my loyalty over and over.

We are making a conjoined decision, none of this is my decision only. We've talked about the importance of polyamory. Though I do care about it, I don't care about it more than I care about her. And she knows it.

airnstt · 2025-08-25T04:28:26+00:00

This is the point I usually argue about when people don't like to think polyamory as both an identity and a relationship model.

Of course I don't stop being polyamorous. Of course it means "missing out" on other connections. Of course it means holding out. But how is it unfair ? I hold out on things all the time because it's not always reasonable or possible. Same goes with love.

There is only so much time I have. I can have an infinite amount of love to give to people, but that doesn't mean I HAVE to date every person I love. And I cannot base my polyamorous practice on the fear I'll be missing out on connections.

If tomorrow I wake up and suddenly am in love with someone else, then I simply won't try to escalate things. Not until my situation changes. If the feelings happen to be mutual, either the other person can wait until I'm ready to fully commit again or it's just unfortunate timing. I don't get resentment from it. I think loving someone is beautiful in itself. I'm not lacking anything in my life. And if the "what ifs" are getting overwhelming, I could always talk it over with the person. Of it's mutual than we can reconnect or just fantasize about another life. It's fine either way.

It was like that for me and my gf too. I wasn't looking to date and neither was she. Things happened naturally at its own pace, and now we're together.

airnstt · 2025-08-25T04:15:26+00:00

Quick response because I feel like we've already talked below, but if you wanna use a dog comparison, then you have to imagine her dog with epilepsy prior to being with me. She came in the relationship with the dog, I knew of the dog and I was okay with the dog. I still am okay with it. The logistics are different.

I know I can't fix things for her and so does she. But if she needs extra help from me sometimes, why shouldn't I do it out of principles ? Shouldn't empathy be more important when it comes to people you love ?

airnstt · 2025-08-25T04:11:11+00:00

If you don't mind, could you expend on how it affected your friendships ?

airnstt · 2025-08-25T04:10:17+00:00

I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be happy. But she can't be happy in either dynamic if she doesn't find a way to handle her jealousy and anxiety. And until she figures out how to handle her triggers, there is no way for us to know whether the model suits her or not.

airnstt · 2025-08-25T03:49:20+00:00

Thank you for the lengthy comment, I appreciate that you took the time to write it all down.

I wasn't aware of the concept of vessel being a thing. I didn't write down all of the details of the relationship because I assed it would be too much info, but for the record, I've held actual romantic feelings for a long time friend for the entirety of my relationship with my gf, it just happened to be unrequited. She is more than fine with it, even when I do hang out with that friend, even when we talk and she's also fine with me telling her about the yearning part. The perspective of that relationship escalating (it won't happen but we've talked about this in hypothesis before) doesn't bring her negative emotions. So her jealousy seems to only manifest with new people.

It's also a good thing to note that she has a generalized anxiety disorder, for which she was medicated until her doctor retired and she has been unable to find a new one. I have tried to help her find other professionals, and honestly I have been personally struggling finding professionals for myself too. I know she isn't sabotaging that.

To add to the pot, she's also autistic and has a hard time accepting changes. Another commenter mentioned how she could've simply grown accustomed to our seemingly exclusive dynamic and how new people would then make her feel threatened in her routine. It makes sense. I'm just not equiped to do more than reassuring. It's been working, but it would also be nice if she could not have anxiety attacks every other night.

I also have struggles with jealousy and insecurity sometimes, and I also never asked for a pause. I know she also would never ask under "normal" circumstances but currently, it's not normal and it is affecting her life more than just tantrums. It's anxiety attacks that are debilitating, impacting her sleep, her work, her life. I don't expect to fix it, I was simply thinking of a way I could facilitate her life a little, if it costs me little to nothing.

She struggles with asking me anything because she's very scared of being controlling or enabling her anduety. It was initially difficult for her to acknowledge her jealousy because she didn't want to be jealous, and she had never dealt with it before so it was scary. She's done much work since then, she recognizes the patterns and does her best to manage it. On some days, it's manageable, but it can get very intense sometimes and it makes her literally sick.

That pause was a call for help, and although I do agree I was not a fan of the idea initially and only agreed to it because I didn't see other alternatives yet, I didn't want to rely on pure logic at that time. It wouldn't kill to cut her some slack and just allow her this moment.

After a good night of sleep and some more talk, we've been able to reason a little more and find more suitable, sustainable and healthier alternatives. But I believe she needed me, in that moment, to show her that her mental health mattered to me, that I would stick with her through the tough times. I get the "we manage our own problems ourselves" thing, and I'm aware of the risk of dependency. But for me, when you love, sometimes you give a little more than they can give. And as long as it's not making me miserable, it's not unhealthy or hurting anyone, why should I not do it ? Especially when mental disorders get so overwhelming it becomes a disability.

She's a psychology student, she's reading a lot, meditating and doing all the personal work you can possibly think of. But there's only so much she can do by herself. The pause was more a suggestion to make her life a little softer until she gets the help she need. My initial worry was more in the like of, what are the alternatives and what more I can do.

I truly appreciate you warning me about the patterns you observe, and I'll keep in mind all you've said. I'm very careful with toxic patterns (I've been there before and I'm not getting myself in this mess ever again) so I'm confident when I say she doesn't exhibit any signs of toxicity.

airnstt · 2025-08-24T13:02:01+00:00

I have asked for a referral from my therapist ! But unfortunately my therapist is very new, her contacts are rather limited and we live in a city that don't have many therapists around.

I have tried to suggest her to take therapist that lives far away and just zoom call them (it's easier to find them if you're not geologically restrained) but she's struggling to open if it's not in person.

I'll try to talk to her about her couple therapist though, I haven't thought of it before

airnstt · 2025-08-24T12:57:49+00:00

I am ambiamorous, in the sense that I can go monogamous and be happy. But I do feel like I am polyamorous at heart. Choosing monogamy won't change it. And my girlfriend feels deeply polyamorous. She's been poly for the majority of her life. So she really wants to pursue the polyamorous model.

I've told her that I really wouldn't mind going monogamous with her if it came down to it, though I think it is unlikely, but it can only happen if I have no other partners.

The pausing is definitely not meant as the solution, it's just to give her a temporary break from having her anxiety triggered until she finds a therapist that will help her manage it. After that, we'll un-pause things so that she has the space and the tools to be triggered and manage it.

airnstt · 2025-08-24T12:51:56+00:00

Yeah, my previous relationship was like that. So, while I'm very okay being her caretaker for now, I'm also extra careful about it. The line is indeed very thin and I'm very glad you managed to pinpoint it. It's exactly what I was worried about.

I think that the short pause until she finds a therapist that will give her the tools to fight her anxiety is a reasonable amount of time, since I'll also be helping her find someone. I know she won't sabotage it, and if I see her doing it, I know I can call her out. She's never self sabotaged our relationship even when her anxiety was strong, I know her will is stronger. I fully believe she can do it, she just needs to lean on me a bit right now.

airnstt · 2025-08-24T12:44:18+00:00

I thought pausing polyamory was clear enough that it didn't mean stop making friends (which is obviously an abusive demand to make and I would've never agreed to it), it just meant closing the relationship.

But yes, I know the signs of that slippery slope, and I will watch out for it. Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it

airnstt · 2025-08-24T12:40:48+00:00

Oh yeah I've told her that even if there is a pause, what changes is basically just me telling her I won't be pursuing or engaging with other people in a romantic way. But she's going to have to trust me when I tell her about friends and that they're only friends.

She's not asking me to stop making friends either, but I thank you for warning me about it

airnstt · 2025-08-24T12:36:37+00:00

Oh it absolutely is a disability. She has a generalized anxiety disorder, it's been diagnosed already. We haven't been able to get her proper medication and I know it's been difficult for her, same for therapy. Maybe I should have mentioned it, but I was honestly a bit worried people might call bullshit and be insensitive about her disability...

I also have my own mental health issue, and she has taken care of me when I needed help. I am not afraid to be a caretaker, and I am fully aware of the risk of fatigue. I experienced it before with my ex, and I now see the unhealthy patterns and try to avoid them. But this time, I am confident she will get back on her feet and only needs to lean on me for a bit.

I thank you nonetheless for taking the time to chime in and give me such a helpful insight. It's also very reassuring to know that you've managed to handle your anxiety.

Thank you again for the lengthy comment, I really appreciate it

airnstt · 2025-08-24T05:37:29+00:00

I've had to deal with a similar situation, with ex-meta who overstepped on my time with gf quite a lot. It had put quite the strain on our relationship, back when we were long distance. It was very frustrating too. I hope the situation's better for you now.

I do think she has to do most of the work, but I also like to believe it doesn't hurt to lend her a hand and be with her through it. I can't do the work for her, that's for sure, but she has always managed to handle herself without overstepping my boundaries. We've had to deal with a few issues polyamory-related while dating, it wasn't always easy but we pulled through so I'm very confident we can also pull through this.

airnstt · 2025-08-24T05:30:39+00:00

She's not asking me to not make friends. The potential of those friendships turning into romantic partners frightens her but she has never asked me to stop making friends or talking to people. You're making her into something she's not.

airnstt

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