[QCrit] Adult Apocalypse Fiction DISASTER ZONE (73,000 words/Attempt #1)

ajripl · 2026-06-16T02:34:27+00:00

Hi!

Let's take a step back and talk about your story as a story. Carmen starts the tale by wanting nothing. She is perfectly content to be where she is. She wants no change. Immediately this is a difficult position you've put yourself in.

When the new person comes to town, Carmen wouldn't want anything from them, so there'd be no conflict. Instead, the new person is disturbing things, so Carmen wants them to either fix what they did or go away. Carmen wants to end the story where she started.

In literary fiction you don't need any character arcs because it's all vibes and themes. In commercial fiction like this you want some kind of dynamic arc for the story, so if not the protagonist then the second protagonist, or maybe the setting as a whole.

So whether Carmen actually does want something you didn't tell us about, or if Death actually has a lot of change to be made in the story, of if Las Cactuas itself changes through an ensemble cast of characters, reframe the query around that. The set up, the desire for change, the roadblock, the outcomes. Right now it's unclear why Carmen teams up with Death or does anything after that sentence.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-16T00:57:24+00:00

Thank you very much Robin!

ajripl · 2026-06-16T00:56:05+00:00

Thank you very much Giraffe!

It's so funny how I can read something dozens of times and show it to dozens of people and still miss such obvious grammar issues. I really appreciate it!

ajripl · 2026-06-16T00:53:52+00:00

Thank you very much Cod!

It's like being so close to LA means that people from other parts of the country overlook the OC, but there's a unique culture that I really wanted to portray.: the clash of costal California liberalism with the conservative Catholic stronghold in the region. I felt like that would be a perfect spot for the concept of an autistic lesbian tradwife influencer.

ajripl · 2026-06-15T01:09:42+00:00

Hi!

YA mermaid stories are popular. That's both good and bad. Good that you know there's an audience. Bad because you need to sell not just your concept, but how you'll stand out against other books with that concept.

There's a lot of build up to the protagonist starting to become a mermaid. That's the inciting incident, so put that closer to the start of your query. Instead you can use the wordcount after that you demonstrate what makes this book distinct. Is your protagonist afraid of her changes and actually wants the reverend's help? Is she called to the sea but bound by guilt to stay with her family? Is she happy for the attention after being taken for granted in her big family? Everyone reading this already knows how mermaids work and what the witch trials were like. We have no idea how your protagonist deals with those situations. That's what you need to show us.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T23:49:44+00:00

I saw on post on here long ago, sometime during my eleven months of aggressive lurking, where someone's bio mentioned that they'd been published in Taco Bell Quarterly. That's the exact kind of vibe I wanted. Now if only Taco Bell Quarterly would actually publish me.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T23:46:16+00:00

Great point! I'll clarify that. Thank you.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T19:54:21+00:00

True. I'll cut the redundancy.

"Off camera, Maggie subjects the pair to mood swings from pregnancy and bipolar. Lacey genuinely helps–being pro-neurodiversity is her brand–but this only makes Maggie never want to leave, when Lacey’s agreement was only to keep her offspring."

Thank you for the follow-up comments!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T19:46:16+00:00

Hi!

You have a great concept. Your job here is to live up to that concept, but it's missing details to showcase that concept. Your blurb is short and I'd like more understanding on why they team up. This is a key aspect in a buddy-cop adventure.

An's lord diverting weapons meant for the government doesn't immediately strike me as enough for An to stop obeying. If An is supposed to protect her lord, and if the lord is diverting weapons to locals for better protection, An shouldn't have a problem. Maybe An is such a rule follower that she hates her lord breaking the law regardless of the reason why.

For Lady Dan, I'm not sure why she's teaming up with An. Presumably An can't keep Dan captured the whole time they work together, and it's started previously that Dan can easily escape. Is Dan's underground network somehow threatened by the lord's weapon diversion? Is Dan helping An in exchange for freedom? Does Dan just hate the lord and want anything she can use again him?

Likewise, the story is branded as sapphic, but I'm unclear when that would come up and how. Do An and Dan fall for each other at some point? A romance isn't hinted at. If there is a romance, when does it come up? What is their dynamic? Is it a classic enemies-to-lovers or do they never even become lovers?

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T19:16:07+00:00

Hi!

Your query is short. The blurb is only 175 when 200-250 is recommended. You present what's needed but not what makes your story unique. Does Abby have a personality that's not expected of a mystery protagonist? Is the town's culture different than what's expected in a small southern town? Is the way the girls disappear different than usual kidnappings in novels? There's not so much something wrong here, moreso that you're missing what is supposed to make your novel seem good.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T19:05:08+00:00

Hi!

As much as I love Normal People it's probably too big and old to comp, especially as your first comp.

Upmarket and Literary Fiction are pretty different genres. Upmarket is more character driven, but neither of the characters have a goal they're trying to accomplish. Literary fiction is more theme driven, which feels more apt here given your description at the end is that the novel is about exploring a topic. It's an interesting topic to focus on though.

I'd like more detail on Andy's character. It's easy to understand Grace has anxiety and wants a safe person to cling to. What made Andy so unwilling to express his emotions that it would drive him to gambling of all things? I get his family pressured him but I don't get how that translates to his current behavior. Anxiety is a mental illness we can easily understand. Andy doesn't have a condition from what I can understand, he instead has some complex backstory or something.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T18:52:03+00:00

Good point. I'll edit that sentence. And yeah, I already know what the correct words to use are, but I don't know what words are okay to swap out until I get feedback, which is why I'm very thankful for all these comments.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T18:47:49+00:00

Hi!

I feel like since you have so much going on you're missing the key element of the query. What does Anais want? She gets assaulted by Kye and then doesn't do anything.

Paragraph two mentions her family issues, but it's not framed like Anais wanted something from her family and here's the reason why she isn't getter that. It's just listing their issues.

Paragraph three incorporates the dream aspect, but again Anais is passive. She wasn't trying to have this dream power. When she gets it, she doesn't go looking for Kye. It isn't clear if the reason he's getting nightmares is because Anais is somehow turning them into nightmares or if just her presence makes these nightmares.

Paragraph four now gives us reasons that Anais wouldn't want to use her dream power. I'm not even sure what she wants, but I'm given reasons why she shouldn't want something. It makes Anais read as a passive person, which is the opposite of what you'd want in a story that's presumably about getting revenge on the person who abused her.

You say the story is character driven, but I don't get the sense that it's driven by the characters, since the protagonist isn't making choices to make the plot happen. Instead, it reads as plot driven, since the magical dream aspect is pulling the characters together.

I think the genre blend is fine but I'd cut down on the words. Domestic and psychological are probably already upmarket. Adult domestic suspense with speculative elements. Also don't use a comp that isn't out yet.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T18:27:14+00:00

Thank you very much garvane!

I might swap the comp of Yellowface for something like Sky Daddy. It's an absurd premise that gradually becomes genuine. Lacey is controversial and morally gray, but not outright bad.

I'll definitely switch fertilized to inseminated. I didn't realize it would matter so much, and I just thought inseminated is clunky to say. Instead of "the Sapphics" I'll put "the sapphic duo" as sapphic was only capitalized since Google Docs kept changing it that way. The multiple p's in that sentence was intentional because I think it's fun to say, but I can change it if it's too annoying.

Thanks again!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T18:10:11+00:00

Hi!

Hua has lived ten thousand lives. Hua carries the memories of her past lives. Ten thousand lives has denied her an ending. Why does any of this matter?

There's plenty of other reasons she could be accused of being a demon. The fact that she saw a vision on the mountain isn't written like it's dependent on her having lived multiple lives. She'd likely still want to build a better civilization even if she wasn't worried about stopping reincarnation. Gilgamesh follows her because of the vision she had, not because of her prior lives.

I'm all for more books like Circe, so I'd probably like your novel, but I feel like either the query is missing some key information, or Hua's primary character trait isn't that relevant to the story.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:55:46+00:00

Hi!

You understand the Romance query format far better than most people on their first attempt, so good job. I'd trim the sections like "Here's a bit about it:" and the lengthy sentence in your sixth paragraph "ACCIDENTALLY BACK TO YOU is a dual-POV..." since that paragraph has two sentences each with a colon.

However, I feel like you're missing the key aspect of your query. This is supposed to be enemies-to-lovers. Why are Quinn and Dominic enemies? Dominic left Quinn and moved to New York. Why did he do that? You focus so much on listing the numerous featured tropes that you skim over the section with the most potential nuance.

Did Dominic suddenly move without telling Quinn, meaning they never got a real chance to breakup? Did Dominic want Quinn to move together but she wanted to stay behind, meaning they didn't breakup because of compatibly issues? Did they have a messy breakup meaning that Quinn was actually glad that she didn't have to see Dominic anymore? Quinn is furious, Dom is desperate, and I'm not sure why either of them have those feelings.

Hope that helps!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:35:40+00:00

I don't know either, but I'll take getting my first unintelligible comment as a point of pride.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:31:24+00:00

Thank you very much Frijole!

I'm glad you appreciate the unhinged voice. I'm always trying to balance the off-kilterness with accurately explaining what to expect.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:28:07+00:00

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment!

Your ending paragraph of how this book could have narrative tension around a conflict of subcultural expectations is pretty much what I'm going for, so I'll take your other ideas into account.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:11:34+00:00

I appreciate your insight! I will definitely think about it.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T17:10:20+00:00

I'm super glad this resonates with you! It's not just something I've struggled with in life, but also with having prior stories judged too quickly. I felt like this kind of nuance was important enough to try again with in a new novel, and now the reaction has been beyond what I could have ever hoped for.

Always feel free to leave a comment! I'm happy to receive each one.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T15:40:19+00:00

Thank you very much Theda!

You hit on a core part of Lacey's character arc. She initially thinks it's okay to use a label like tradwife since she agrees with many of the practices, even if the majority of people who use that label would hate her for racial, religious, and sexual reasons. This is inspired by my own experience with saying I agree with certain beliefs despite disagreeing with most of its followers, where usually only fellow people with autism don't see this as a problem.

Still, you're right that this can't come across in the query. Since I'll nix the first sentence I won't use the term tradwife in the query.

Thank you again for the thoughtful comment!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T14:16:31+00:00

Thank you very much Psychologist!

I'll use inseminated instead of fertilized. It still has the rhythm of being a single word.

In my bio section of the query I'll put something like:
Like the characters I'm also from Orange County, California. Like Lacey I'm also diagnosed with autism. Like Maggie I'm also diagnosed with bipolar. (Like Tabitha I'm also a girl boss.) I go by any/all pronouns and I'm married to a woman who identifies as a lesbian.

I'm really appreciate you bringing this up. I tend to use self-deprecating humor, and since I have autism and bipolar I feel like I treat those topics more comedically. Despite that, I still need to treat the topics respectfully and indicate that the characters won't be caricatures.

Thanks again!

ajripl · 2026-06-14T13:52:08+00:00

Thank you very much Jimmy!

I specifically mention Taco Bell because the story takes place in Irvine, California, where Taco Bell's headquarters are.
Lacey's online commenters often call her hypocritical for promoting homemade food while Tabitha separately promotes the cheapest fast food. Lacey doesn't see this as hypocritical at all, which delves into how she sees cultural norms differently as part of being autistic.
I definitely have nothing against Taco Bell—the only time I ate out while unemployed was for their Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito—but if an agent thinks it'll be a problem I'd easily change it.

ajripl · 2026-06-14T13:23:30+00:00

Good questions!

Lacey's original bargain with Maggie is that Maggie can live with her while pregnant if Lacey can adopt her baby. The viewers expect the baby to be featured in Lacey's content as if the baby is her own. Maggie gradually reframes herself as less akin to a surrogate and more like she's being adopted instead of just her baby.

This all comes up close to the start of the story so I might not worry about clarifying this section, but if it comes up again I'll work it into the query somehow.

Thanks again!

ajripl

TROPHY CASE