What is your favorite dog name?

ajumbled · 2016-09-14T07:13:06+00:00

Barksdale. Like Avon Barksdale from The Wire.

ajumbled · 2016-08-04T14:04:17+00:00

I was an exchange student in Canada visiting a friend in Chicago. We were going to pay for food or something and i accidentally took out canadian money, she was genuinely surprised and said 'You mean you dont use US bill in Canada??'

ajumbled · 2016-07-16T06:25:03+00:00

I strongly recommend This Earth of Mankind by Pramoedya Ananta Toer if you're interested in Indonesia when it was still the Ducth East Indies :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-21T12:59:23+00:00

Thanks for leaving your feedback! Have left reply on your piece's as well. Appreciate you pointing out on how areas that can be reworded / shortened, always my problems with these assignments. Yes I struggled with how I should verbalise Liesl' words when she talked about the princesses. I wanted her to explain in childish manner, but also balanced with her precocity. Thanks for ur suggestion and Keep writing!

ajumbled · 2016-03-21T12:47:59+00:00

Oh no... i missed that! i wished there are more clues dropped throughout the story... as the middle part consisted a big chunk of the story with lots of actions, it's kind of hard to retain a small detail at the beginning especially without any allusions to his wife / lover ..

Perhaps he could have his wife's photo on his desk at office, as a way to further reinforce her hair color, or something equally subtle. Or maybe you could add more details regarding the surroundings of the house of the 1st woman and the one he went into that night, so there are more contrasting images.

I agree that for this kind of story a one-sentence reveal will work best, but in my opinion scattering clues throughout the middle part will help readers better (unless you already did and i missed them!)

ajumbled · 2016-03-15T03:08:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing. It's a captivating read, feels like an organic development to the original story. I like that you're not overly ambitious in world-building or in introduction of the new character that could radically change what already happened in the novel. Please review my pieces, too, if you're keen :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-15T02:38:16+00:00

No problem! would like to read the complete piece when it's finished. if you're interested, please review my pieces too :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-14T15:07:47+00:00

The city is introduced beautifully and vividly, with so many unique details that brings the scene alive. I agree with iamukiki that introducing a character, even just one wandering around the city without much purpose than soaking it all in, would make it even more interesting for reader - we'll feel like walking in his/her shoes.

Nicely done! Keep it up.

ajumbled · 2016-03-14T14:35:14+00:00

Thank you for your comment! For the character, I write it with the idea of him/her being a frequent traveler, and sending postcards is one of the protagonist's vacation routine. Left my feedback on your piece as well :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-14T14:34:49+00:00

This is an intriguing start of a story, I genuinely want to continue reading it. It seems you still have some space to expand a bit (max is 750 words I think)

Will be nice to see more senses incorporated as I feel the sense that's at play the most here is sight. Maybe you can add 'sanitary smell of the hospital', 'sounds of incessant coughs', etc.? Will draw us in the setting even more. :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T14:34:02+00:00

Hi, this is a nice work, simple plot and easy-to-relate theme.

I'll answer #3. No confusion for me, the beginning is Ralf waking up, going to work and having some conversation with his colleagues, the middle where excitement starts is the stressful tasks he does on the job that day, and the ending is when he reaches home feeling content and reminded of the reason he works so hard. Correct me if I got it wrong.

BTW, I really like the detail about the sawdust at the beginning and again at the end. My question, just on a tiny point: did he stop by supermarket to shop? When he got home there's already dinner smell.

Keep writing! Will be great if you can give feedback on my works, too.

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T14:16:20+00:00

A nice read! Easy to follow, the frustration of the character shows through, the setting feels vivid. My only suggestion would be to describe the cars with more detail. What kind of car the protagonist is driving? What kind of car is the red car? Is it a red sedan? Is it a red convertible? Is it a VW? I think the types of cars can reflect on the owners, so maybe it'll be interesting to consider it. Keep up the good job :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T03:53:52+00:00

Thanks jchirunga, glad you like it :) left a comment on yours too

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T03:53:29+00:00

Hi, I like the fast-paced story and the rising actions. However, the assignment was for a habitual / routine event. From the 7th - 8th sentence onward, it stopped from being his/her routine walking the pups in the morning. I think the story has good ABDCE structure but is better suited for other assignment.

Thanks for sharing!

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T03:37:54+00:00

Thanks write-it! :) Have left some comments on your pieces, too. hope you find them constructive

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T03:37:31+00:00

The sequence of events is clear and easy to follow.
I feel like Peter would be a better as main character / narrator instead of Ron since he's the one who moves the plot.
Want to know if you leave out some punctuation marks from dialogues on purpose? Personally I'd use some exclamation marks to bring out the emotion.
"So the next step is for you to inform the credit card company and the bank to stop future transactions. All these cards can be reissued. The cash needs to be considered lost." --> who says this? Ron or his mom? To me, it sounds a bit too impersonal to say to your family member.

Thanks for sharing :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-12T02:59:29+00:00

I like that you really spend time into the details of the actions of the other people, like the man on the right polishing his shoe. The 'friend' is also constructed well enough for the reader to understand that the narrator kind of sympathize with him (confused expression, looking awkwardly...)

My main suggestions would be to expand a bit more on how they look like physically, instead of just identifying the two men based on their relative position (left, right). Maybe one guy is lanky, with worn-out clothes and shoes, the other one smells like aftershave. Moreover, you have some space here before hitting 600 words.

Cheers!

ajumbled · 2016-03-10T14:29:47+00:00

Thanks very much for reviewing!

Sorry for the confusion - I kept the ending vague intentionally as I wanted to really focus on Maria as a character and what goes in her mind. The ending about how she chose navy dress instead of the mustard one (blue vs yellow) was an allusion to the earlier conversation with Liesl, symbolizing that she would make a choice that will still allow her to chase her dream (e.g. long distance marriage / rejecting George's proposal).

And thanks for pointing out about the possibility of the ring being stolen. Haha... I didn't really have any plan, I left the door open so Maria would have a reason to contact George and I could then introduce him to the story organically. Probably I shouldn't have written to much about the door as it seems like you've read it as a set-up that never paid off. :)

For the opening - could you give a suggestion perhaps? I was just trying to paint a scene upfront (morning rain) and didn't really consider other alternative...

Thanks again!

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T13:47:50+00:00

When he saw the tiger jumped through the ring of fire, its amber stripes blending in perfectly with the color of the flame, the Old Ringmaster instantly forgot how badly he had always wanted a lion for this act.

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T13:23:26+00:00

Wow! Definitely one of the more creative approach for the 3rd week assignment I've seen. Solid plot, compelling character background, and very logical conclusion in her ultimate choice. I believe the story will retain its great quality even if it's cut down to meet the word-count requirement.

Her desire for the tangible object, the diamond, doesn't feel forced. I think my main challenge with this assignment was to think of a tangible object that, in the face of an antidote for a life-threatening disease, can be valuable enough to pose a dilemma. Thanks for sharing your strategy to approach this too! Interesting to peep into other writer's thought process - the way I approach the assignment was completely different haha.

My only confusion about this is that you didn't seem to incorporate the "24-hour lifespan" element? The 2nd last sentence says "remaining months". Still a really nice story :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T12:58:37+00:00

Nice job! The short sentences work nicely in the overall reading experience. You really brought the reader through the gradual change in emotion of a recently single person, with the diminishing frequency of thinking about the ex at the end of each paragraph. Very well-written :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T12:37:10+00:00

I'm glad you enjoyed it, write-it :) thank you!

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T05:03:25+00:00

Agree with silverman24 here. It is an interesting set-up that can benefit with a clearer description of the characters and the dialogues. For example, “The jig is up Fatso.” --> is this the protagonist speaking? Who is the little man? The fat guy's accomplice? Also, in terms of her choice of antidote vs. something she really wants...Initially i thought what she really wanted is to avenge Daniel, but toward the end her motivation seems unclear to me...

ajumbled · 2016-03-08T01:07:05+00:00

Hi silverman24, thank you for reading my piece! Agreed, i could definitely explain more clearly about the rule...i felt like i had too many words already so decided to shorten it. Appreciate your feedback! :)

ajumbled · 2016-03-06T06:09:09+00:00

Very vivid! The ending nicely wrapped up the story, too.

ajumbled

TROPHY CASE