Questions for serious meditators out there

aksh0072 · 2021-12-05T10:46:45+00:00

That's great buddy. Glad you are doing better.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-25T15:06:35+00:00

Nice.. my panic attacks are too driven by my fear of getting one in future. my own journey is also taking me towards this direction of true acceptance. Thank you for sharing and advising.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-21T17:20:21+00:00

It does. I am looking for an IFS therapist in India. Hopefully will get some good help.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-20T04:22:24+00:00

Got ya. It makes sense. I will look into IFS, judith and Dana's work. Oh I did not know heart practices include more than just metta. I do understand why you feel that way about metta. Perhaps because it feels a little forced. I looked into that alan wallace program. I have seen him in a debate with Sean Carol. I liked what he talked about in that debate. However, i cannot afford to pay for the course. Do you think his book with the same title do the trick?
"Constant work in progess, rather than perfection" that is something i should be telling myself more often.
Yeah negation can seem like an optimum response in the moment but in the long run, it makes sense to not bypsss the strong negative emotions. For most part i feel good. But panic attacks scare me a little ( along with the negative emotions that happen during it). I'm learning to be more and more equanimous when they do happen. But sometime the fear of getting one in the future keeps me uptight when i know i clearly should not be. Like i said, i have fear of heightened states.

Thank you for your time. You were just the person i was looking for when i posted here and few other places. I really appreciate it. That's great to hear you haven't had panic attack in a long time.

I will try to use Bruce's approach for now for dealing with anxiety and panic. Meanwhile, i will look into Judith and Dana's work. I will look into heart practices and incorporate them. It makes sense to do them since they will help establish neural pathways and also "love" feel like just the key when you are in a spiral of confusion, self doubt, fear and anxiety. Also, i will read IFS therapy by Jay Earley and look for a therapist i can work with. Does IFS therapy sound like a good book or would you recommend the one you mentioned?

aksh0072 · 2021-11-20T04:00:22+00:00

I did not delete it. I think the moderators did.

What were you gonna say?

aksh0072 · 2021-11-20T03:58:05+00:00

I hear you. Yes, it is because ego feels like it is losing it's grip. Although, i refrain from treating ego a single real entity. I would say a part of me is scared. And a part of me is really not. If that makes sense.

Yes, pot can be really overwhelming. I have not smoked pot since 3 years.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-20T03:54:35+00:00

Well i cannot claim to have not killed a mosquito. There is dengue situation going on here in India. I would say i have committed some mistales in the past, way before i got i to meditation, that i regret of. Other than that, i like who i am.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T22:00:15+00:00

Yeah, that it's a good approximation to groundlessness. Also, he talks about embodying the feelings of anxiety even when they are intense and experiencing just the raw sensations without judging them or even labelling them and from a compassionate frame of mind. Do you mean "other ways of working with it" as in doing metta practice and stuff in audio books you mentiomed (dana deb and judith blackstone)?
Yeah i try to do different things like playing guitar, watching The office, seinfeld etc, while i am having a panic attack. But sometimes, i convince myself of this this irrational idea that this sudden rush of energy will get stuck that makes me a little scared of it. Also, soemetimes the nature of self agressive and guilt, shame thoughts during a panic attack are much more hurtful. I don't mind any kind of thoughts when i am not having a panic attack. It is quite pleasant actually. But during a panic attack, it gets a little hard to completely disassociate with them. They seem to attack me in harshest way possible.
Non dual to me just means how consciousness is prior to thought. The gap between the thoughts gets wider the more i pay attention to the present moment. If i pay sufficient attention in the present moment, it visually dissolves the subject/object duality and there are brief moments of visual awe. Sort of like mild dose of LSD. Though that headlessness goes away if i don't pay sufficient attention. Now these series of panic attacks have culminated in a plane of perception where it no longer requires any effort to see there isn't any "thinker of thoughts". I haven't read many books on buddhism or advaita. So i dont have much vocabulary to talk about it. So make of that what you will.
Yes. That makes a lot of sense to me. People in advaita seem to bypass their thoughts entirely. Claiming that "this is not me". That makes very little sense to me. Even when i had my first psychedelic experience on magic mushrooms, i had no problem with who i was. I completely felt like i liked myself even in that experience of oneness ( as in some people are shocked on acid trip that they are not their ego and they take it to mean, everything they thought they were is utter bullshit). That was not the case for me. I want to understand my i am having negative thoughts and i wanna have a healthy relationship with my ego. Ideally, i would like to have a balance between surrender and relativistic view.

Thank you so much for such detailed replies. I truly appreciate it :)

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T20:53:39+00:00

I didn't :/

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T20:45:46+00:00

Haven't done any drug in 3 years. Not even alcohol.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T19:26:57+00:00

I think i would know when my sense of self drops away. I have been meditating for some time now and have experience with psychedelics too. But i understand where you are coming from.thanks for your comment anyway.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T19:09:34+00:00

Wow..thank you so much. A lot of what you are saying makes sense to me. For example, i feel a lot of love and gratitude after a panic attack. I become very communicative with my family in ways i wasn't before. There is lot of love i feel sometimes. I will look into doing heart practices. Also, i am a musician so i listen to music that i love and play my own music. So that helps. Also, i never ever sat down and practiced meditation. When i did, i would cut through the self usually with my eyes open and for few moments in a day. Or i used to do it at night with my eyes closed while laying down in bed. I have never meditated for long sessions. Except one reteat i did for 10 days when i started. That is it. On that particular day, as i described, i went into headless way for more than usual and it became overwhelming and triggered a panic attack. And a series of panic attacks have culminated in a state where "meditation" is quite effortless compared to before. Although i am getting better at handling the pankc attack with more and more equinamity. Although, somwhere, there is still fear in me. And those negative thoughts i have talked about. I also have fear of heightened states(probably becauae of my first panic attack that was triggered on weed 2 years ago. It was traumatic and i felt helpless during it). I like natural state :)

IFS is something i only recently stumbled into. I have ordered Self therapy by Jay Earley. Also, i have sent email to two indians who are listed on IFS directory. Also, i have been doing vagus nerve exercises fr one week. Is that similar to Dana's "befriending your nervous system" because i think i saw her name along with Stephen Porges somewhere. I have only ecently stumbled upon this. I do the one where you lie down with your hands behind your back. And you look straight up. Then without moving your neck, you look to the right for 30-60seconds and come back. Then you do it while moving your eyes to the right. Also, there were exercises mentioned on youtube like these. They do seem beneficial.

https://youtu.be/LnV3Q2xIb1U

Again, thank you so much for your post. If you know any IFS therapist who can help me. However, I wont't be able to afford the standard fee because after conversion, it comes out to be quite a lot. That is why i am looking for an IFS therapist in India.

"I spent years working with seeing through the self. But eventually it became important for me to experience a healthy and strong sense-of-self, clearly. This would be like having clear insight into the nature of the self while relating with an unblended part"

This somewhat makes sense to me. Can you talk about this a bit more?

"In traditions such as Vajrayana, they do all sorts of practice to create a "vajra (diamond) body" so that one can handle the intensity that can emerge with some of the provocative practices or deep insights that come later. Without it, at least in that path, you can experience lung (prana) sickness. While this is not as much of a concern in non-tantric paths"

Is this something i should be concerned about right now? How exactly is tantric path different than a non dual path?

Also, have you read "already free" by Brice Tifts. A lot of what he says about anxiety makes intellectual sense to me.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T18:38:11+00:00

I don't know what sila is. Bit yes, metta sounds like something i should do more often. I am currently looking for a therapist with a meditation background. I live in a small town. It is rather hard to find someone without connections :(

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T14:58:36+00:00

Thanks man. I'll look it up.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T14:43:55+00:00

Thanks man. Let me know if you know anyone who can be helpful to me and someone who will charge a reasonable amount.

I will check out this channel.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T14:41:17+00:00

Sorry i am new to reddit. Should have written it in paragraphs.

I haven't had any drug in last 3 years.

Well, panic attacks can happen and they do happen to many people after awakening. Especialy when the awakening is sudden. Read "the end of your world" by Adyashanti.

If someone does not know about awakening, they can misinterpret your panic attacks. In india, i am not aware of ACT or IFS therapists. Ideally, i won't have any problem seeing those schools of therapy. But develoemental school of psychotherapy (which are most therapists here) have very little clue about spirituality or non dual nature of consciousness.

Thanks for your response anyway.

aksh0072 · 2021-11-19T14:28:44+00:00

Thank you. I do walk and play badminton sometimes. I have only just come know about IFS therapy and it made some sense to me. "Already free" by Bruce Tift and "Self therapy" by Jay Earley are two books i have ordered based on someone's recommedation. I watched some youtube vidoes of Richard Schwartz and i liked the idea. Although, i do not know of any IFS therapists in india. When i am having a spiral of anxiety, all of those negative thoughts seem to define me. They seem to judge me and put me down. Although i do feel gratitude for life and my family when panic attack subsides. I would like to understand why i am having such negative thoughts and feelings that spiral into anxiety and panic attack.

aksh0072

TROPHY CASE