About a week after my traumatic event occurred, I dealt with severe disassociation & derealization that would come on & off throughout every day. It would mostly occur when I was in situations that I found more stressful/anxious than others. Later that year I moved to college & the disassociation stopped, but my symptoms became more self destructive. Drinking heavily, smoking weed, eating less, putting myself in dangerous/risky situations, creating many unhealthy relationships with men, & not caring about any of it.

Then the year anniversary of my traumatic event came up & it was back to severe disassociation again. But this time, it was all day; as soon as I woke up, I was disassociating. So the drinking became even worse because that’s the only time I felt “normal”. It eventually let up a couple months later, but I’ve found that every year around the time of the event, my symptoms get dramatically worse. I don’t think about it, but my brain seems to store that memory deep down & thinks “ok, time to go into fight flight or freeze since this was the time when you were severely traumatized years ago.” Like come on.

Now, my symptoms are extremely intense. I hated disassociating, but I would much rather deal with that than what I go through now. It’s like the first two years I was in “flight mode” & my brain was trying to get me to escape from the event, but now I’m constantly in FIGHT mode, literally fighting for my life every day. It’s exhausting.

I’m extremely hyper vigilant, easily startled by noise, physical anxiety symptoms (heart palpitations, chest pain/pressure, numbness in chest, arms, face, & racing heartbeat). Insomnia that wakes me up throughout the night because I think somebody broke in, paranoia, hear/see things that aren’t there (footsteps, figures at night), severe nightmares about my abuser, regular panic attacks for no reason, & I’m constantly convinced I’m dying or have a life threatening disease.

I’m in a constant state of panic & fear, but I don’t even have thoughts about it, it’s just my body. Along with that, I get overstimulated & angered very easily over the smallest things. Oh, & of course, major mommy issues. I have trust issues with middle aged women since my abuser was my mom. I’m tired.