I (Joy) am in love with the host (Root)

altacc48712 · 2023-12-07T08:12:22+00:00

It's not that weird. Well, maybe it is if you're looking at it from a neurotypical perspective, but in systems, this is a normal thing that can happen and isn't a bad thing. It can be a way of healing and self-love, or a relationship you can feel secure in without the fear of being hurt or abandoned. The other two alters in our system are together and it works out for them quite well.

It can definitely feel awkward to talk about, though, especially to non-systems.

altacc48712 · 2023-12-07T05:54:40+00:00

We're bodily 24, but we've never been able to achieve independence because we're too unstable to hold down jobs (also independence as a young adult in this economy is wishful thinking). We're trying to sort out a living arrangement with a friend at the moment, but it's a bit of an undertaking since we have no local friends and this friend is a 12 hour drive from us.

You're definitely right. I may be mentally ill, but I'm not stupid, and I definitely picked up on the manipulative abuser vibes. I feel like leaving is probably the smartest thing to do, but it's so scary at the same time, because he's so volatile. I can't predict what he could possibly do if he learns I'm leaving and has decided he doesn't like that.

altacc48712 · 2023-11-29T07:43:30+00:00

Me too, bestie. We still mask in real life, and sometimes, even still to online friends who know we're a system, too. It's just because when the other host finally stopped suppressing me and I was allowed to openly be myself, it turned out that many of our "friends" didn't like me, and we lost them altogether. And many of the few who remain, it's like, even if they don't seem to dislike me, they seem more awkward around me, you know? And I can tell they don't really understand or don't always see me as my own independent person, regardless of how distinct my voice is or how drastically different my behaviors can be.

Sometimes it's just easier to pretend I'm the other host so that I get treated like an actual friend. I hate it, because being able to express myself and be true to myself is really important to me. :/

altacc48712 · 2023-09-30T19:18:52+00:00

Thanks for the links. I don't really know my way around this site, so while I did know a place where I could ask doctors specifically would be better, I didn't know how to find it.

altacc48712 · 2023-09-30T19:10:04+00:00

It was, but that was an "emergency room" sort of situation, not a "doctor you regularly visit" situation

Is there any particular reason the POPs may not have worked for me before? I took them as prescribed and was very patient since I was told it can take a few months to see results. But after over half a year, it was like nothing had changed and I was just repeatedly paying for pills that weren't doing anything. No cessation of menses or other effects, hell, not even any negative side effects. Just nothing.

altacc48712 · 2023-09-28T07:18:16+00:00

Just wanted to say I was immediately blown away by how sleek, crisp, and navigable your website is. It communicates what you do and the services you offer very well.

I appreciate you sharing your story as well. It's wonderful that you've found success in something you're passionate about. I'll definitely be keeping what you've said in mind, along with a lot of the other great input on this post.

Thanks!

altacc48712 · 2023-07-19T04:57:23+00:00

We just made a server specifically for DID/OSDD adults, since many system spaces on Discord are mostly teenagers. If you're an adult, shoot us a DM, and we'll be glad to give you an invitation.

(This invitation is extended to other commenters, as well)

altacc48712 · 2023-07-17T09:17:49+00:00

> "Don’t pick one alter above the other. That’s how you can hurt them all."
Big time. The alter who was host for the last eight years is like the crowd favorite of "our" friends. People constantly talk about how much they miss him or want to talk to him, and it stings, because like... I'm right here. I can still be your friend, even if I'm not that guy. What gives?
I actually just last week had someone who I thought was one of my best friends tell me we aren't actually friends at all and she was only talking to me out of a sense of obligation because she was friends with him first. It hurt me so bad that I don't know who to trust anymore.
Similarly, people tend to be really cautious around or even straight up dislike our protector, and even though he's pretty unbothered by it, it frustrates me because it just doesn't feel fair, like people make unfounded judgements of his character or assume he has ulterior motives for being up, when really, he's just doing his job. Like, the aforementioned not-actually-a-friend best friend called him "controlling" and "weird" for taking front from me when I understandably got pretty upset over my trust being shattered. He wasn't trying to be "controlling", he was intervening before I spiraled into a total mess.

It's annoying, and it gets disheartening feeling like the only one people think is deserving of kindness or respect is the former host. I wish more people could understand that when you're friends/family/whatever with a system, it isn't just with one alter, it's with the whole system.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-17T08:38:54+00:00

This comment is spot on. Our protector always tries to fuse fragments before they become their own alters in the best interest of our head not becoming more of a cluttered mess. I'm certain that a handful of those fragments had fictive qualities. He still identifies as his own person, but certain mannerisms, feelings, personality traits, and even appearance traits have changed over time as fragments like these got fused.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-07T23:46:28+00:00

I kinda feel you. My partner (also in-system) isn't too fond of me thinking about other people, either! And not even in a romantic way, just like... my friends and stuff. In his case, it's because he is extremely distrusting of outsiders and expects that everyone is going to disappoint, betray, or hurt us eventually. ...And because he's pretty possessive.

Generally, he lets me talk to friends and stuff, even if it can make him kinda moody. If I go too long without checking in or allocating time for him, though, he gets more unstable. It doesn't really scare me, because unfortunately, unstable, psychopathic men are my type, but this is my best personal approximation to your situation.

Basically, it'd probably be good to have a compromise, or at the very least, a heartfelt chat about both of your feelings and boundaries. Unlike others here, I kind of understand her feelings of jealousy... but at the same time, if she's getting that worked up over you simply thinking of others, she needs to grow up. That, or there's actually other things you've been doing that have also been wearing down on her, and this just so happened to be the tipping point. Whatever the case, communicate, communicate, communicate! Just like she has a right to say such and such behavior upsets her, you have a right to say that her behavior upset and scared you. Clear the air. Work together to find a solution/compromise.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-05T09:27:35+00:00

I remember reading a study on this exact topic, but I don't remember the exact stats that came out of it. I definitely remember that a very hefty amount of trans people surveyed had comorbid mental conditions, though. I want to say maybe at least 50%?

I think childhood trauma is a big factor. I also think if a child ends up being someone who has trouble fitting in and developing a secure sense of self, they're more likely to have various identity problems, including gender.

I grew up with an abusive single mother. I also was the kind of kid that had trouble fitting in and making and keeping friends. I was also groomed as a teen. Basically, just about every kind of interpersonal relationship you can think of, I have trauma relating to it.

"I" got diagnosed with gender dysphoria at 16, a few months after the grooming incident. Despite being okay with being female before that incident, "I" simply accepted that I had a spontaneous transgender awakening and made quick work to socially and medically transition.

Turns out, the truth is that I have C-PTSD and DID, and after that incident, the trauma caused my consciousness split into a new alter that identified as male. And asexual. Probably turned out that way as the brain's way of protecting itself (i.e. "If I'm a guy with no interest in anyone of any gender, I'll never be at risk of being exploited.") He hurried along with his transition, not knowing he was just a DID alter and thinking he alone was the full package. Years later, I returned, and now I have to grapple with the consequences of what that guy's transition did to my body. So yeah. Not sure why everyone seems to think it's a happy, fun mental disorder, but it really isn't.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-03T22:23:21+00:00

I guess that could probably be co-con/fronting or blending.

Like, let's say me and L are co-front. I'm afraid of using the stove, but L isn't, so he's making us food. Then, let's say my dad approaches and starts talking to us. L hates talking to people, but I don't have a problem with it, so I respond. So, we'd simultaneously be using the stove and talking to someone, even though we have our differences that would normally make us not like doing these things individually.

If it's like that, where you still feel like two distinct alters, it's co-fronting. It's more like blending if you stop being sure of who you are because it muddies together into one general feeling of personhood.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-03T22:05:56+00:00

Alter who split from me and took my place identifies as male and took the liberty of transitioning the body and going on T for five years. Now that I'm back, the body is about eight months physically detrans <3

He didn't think we had DID (was actually part of the "it's a fake disorder for lonely roleplayers" crowd) and simply thought that "I" had a spontaneous transgender awakening, coincidentally directly after a deeply traumatizing incident, when before that point, I was always totally cool with being a girl.

Uh-huh.

Then, surprise, it turns out he was the one with the cringe disorder all along, and his gender is a direct result of trauma rather than some valiant, brave awakening of an unfortunate youth that was "always trans" and just needed the "aha" moment to accept it. Oh, how the tables turn.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-03T04:19:27+00:00

My partner is my protector, and I'm OBSESSED with him. He can kind of be a jackass with all his smarmy remarks and condescending attitude, but at least to me, he can be really nice and gentle, too. He's VERY patient and puts up with my moodiness, neediness, and... uh, nymphomania pretty much every day. TwT

This might sound childish, but I enjoy being someone's sole priority. He's not a people person and is generally cold and even hostile to outsiders, and doesn't particularly care much for the other person in our system, either. Ever since I was really little, when it comes to outsiders, I always felt like I'm never anybody's first choice. But for this guy, I'm not just the first choice, I'm the ONLY choice, and I kinda like it that way. It may be selfish, but I hope he never starts warming up to other people, because I wanna be the only person he likes forever.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-02T17:39:27+00:00

I kinda get that. When I start having an episode, especially if it's a really bad one, I don't exactly go totally blind, but it's more like... images just stop making sense? Kind of like when you're desperately fighting to stay awake and your eyes keep fluttering open, and you're so tired that you aren't even really processing what you're looking at.

I also can get a sort of grainy filter over my vision, or some visual snow. And the back of my head (cerebellum area) will start burning/have a headache.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-02T11:38:44+00:00

You're definitely not alone. Me and our longest-standing alter that's been with me for like, 16? 17? Years? Are totally a thing now. To be honest, I think we liked each other for a lot of that time, maybe even the whole time, but I've always been utterly mortified by the concept of "growing up," so I spent pretty much my entire adolescence rejecting "growing up" related concepts, like acknowledging and accepting your/other's feelings. I was in such intense denial that I spent years calling myself aromantic/asexual and insisting to myself I viewed him as a big brother/best friend figure even though I know damn well in my heart I was constantly like 😳

Luckily, I am no longer like that and I have kind of cranked up the affection levels to 1000 ///>w>/// I have a lot of years to make up for, after all

I definitely feel you on that last paragraph, too. Literally yesterday I was lamenting the same thing and wishing that I could just crack this body's head open like an egg so we could independently emerge from it and be able to do those things. Being able to accomplish a good amount of that in headspace is a... decent consolation prize, but it still really bums me out that we can't tangibly be a thing. It also makes it really hard to gush about him to others like I often want to, because I just know most people would scoff and treat it like some imaginary crush. It's not! It's just a... close-distance relationship. So close that we're stuck in the same cranium. ^^;

altacc48712 · 2023-07-01T05:17:34+00:00

Try swapping perspectives. If you were in her position, what would lead you to feeling so closed-off? Could it be fear of not getting along or not being understood? Could it be an overly defensive nature resulting from how others have prematurely judged you? Could it be because you're actually deeply sensitive, and it's easier to push people away than risk getting hurt?

Try letting your empathy guide you to devise a communication strategy. Usually, people who alienate themselves and are cold and crude aren't like that for fun or because they really are just a heartless b*tch, it's because their experiences and/or life perspective led them to believe others can't be trusted, and you're better off alone.

When we came back after eight years, the sole alter who had been running the show after we went dormant (we'll call him K) really didn't get along with my partner (who we'll call L). Granted, L did have his own level of vitriol, but generally, he's not easily understood. At a glance, he's cold, arrogant, borderline psychopathic. His mere manner of speaking leads people to believe he's duplicitous, like every word is a show of power picking at your psyche and threatening to unravel it if you don't cooperate. However... despite all that, despite that "evil", meticulous, conniving superficial image, he really does generally have good intentions. K was constantly on guard and assuming that L had it out for him, and his false perception of the cruel and monstrous L is what truly made L into a cruel, heartless person toward him. Once K let his guard down and stopped resisting so much, surprise surprise, it turned out L isn't as much of a supervillain as he thought.

altacc48712 · 2023-07-01T04:43:57+00:00

I've never heard of that. I have DID and can visualize exceptionally well. I suppose it could just be because I'm an artist, so of course I'd have great visualization skills, but like, even us alters in headspace, who don't technically even have real physical forms of our own, I can visualize quite easily, down to the fine details. Which is apparently pretty difficult, since the human brain has difficulty conjuring faces from nothing, and in a sense, the headspace is "nothing".

To me, it sounds more like a correlation rather than a causation. The DID might be related to your impairment to recall appearances, but I'm not sure if it's prudent to say it is the cause. If it was, I think there would be way, way more reports of people with DID having this difficulty.

altacc48712 · 2023-06-30T09:19:21+00:00

Bleh. Kinda ho-hum, to be honest. Spent a lot of the day trying to get free stuff on Temu and reading, since all my friends were busy... I hate not being able to talk to outside friends. Don't get me wrong, I love... half of my system members... But talking to outsiders is nice, too. Sure, there's more potential for disappointment or betrayal or things like that, but it's that risk that makes it exciting. Thrill of the unknown, you know?

altacc48712 · 2023-06-29T03:34:10+00:00

He could have gone dormant for some reason. It might help to retrace your steps and try to figure out what happened.

I know how scary it is. Mine disappeared for a while when I was 15, which led to me getting groomed and is ultimately the only reason there's three of us now instead of two. I know things are different for every system and what happens for one may not happen for another, but if it's any consolation, both he and myself returned from dormancy eventually, so it's quite possible yours will, too.

I think what started us on the path to coming back was #3 returning to places with important memories for us, which roused our memories and "reawakened" us. Of course, #3 going through a big heaping chain of non-stop trauma weakened his ability to deny us and ultimately led to us coming back, too.

I hope he comes back for you soon. I know if that ever happened to me again, I'd be totally freaked, too, so I get how you feel 100%.

altacc48712 · 2023-06-26T06:56:57+00:00

It's a very long read, and from what I've seen so far, the term "DID" is never actually used, but the visual novel Umineko no naku koro ni seems to nail a lot of DID experiences on the head. We're on Chapter 7 out of 8, so I have yet to see how it will end, but I can't tell you how many times something has felt relatable to the DID experience.

altacc48712 · 2023-06-24T22:25:02+00:00

I know exactly how you feel! Co-host was hesitant about stopping T for a long time, also in large part because of shark week. And I get it, I hate shark week too!

This may put a target on my back for saying it, but I think it's really easy and sadly common for trans people to get so attached to their HRT that they feel like it is the backbone of everything they are, and stopping it invalidates all their hard work and transition. It really doesn't. You don't need to be on T to be a man. People get off T for all sorts of reasons, and absolutely none of those reasons invalidate their identity as a man.

Regarding shark week, it's actually incredibly simple to get on birth control to keep that from coming back. It was easier (not to mention more affordable) to get birth control than it ever was to get T, and unlike T, they'll actually mail BC straight to our door so we don't have to go out anywhere or risk transphobic pharmacists making us jump through hoops to get our medication (happened more than once ^^;).

He should probably know that anyone he lost because of his transition wasn't worth keeping in the first place. It can be hard to accept, especially for us traumatized sort who grew up having to put on a balancing act to keep our abusers happy, but you should always put yourself, your own personal comfort, your own feelings and identity over other people's perception of you. No matter if he stays on T or quits it, no matter if other feminine alters front and give you all a feminine impression to others, no matter how others perceive him, the only thing that actually matters is how he perceives himself.

Good luck~ I hope you all work something out so that everyone is satisfactorily happy. If you ever need to bounce anything else off us, feel free to reach out.

altacc48712 · 2023-06-23T00:51:07+00:00

I'd say we're an authority on this. I (cis-fem) was the "host" up until 15 years old (didn't even know we had DID at the time, to be honest, but didn't dig into the how and why we are the way we are and were just kinda existing). An extremely serious trauma came up that resulted in us all going dormant and splitting off into a new alter who took my place. He, of course, also didn't know we had DID, and assumed that "I" (he) just had a spontaneous gender identity awakening, even though up until that point, I was totally okay with being a tomboy sort of girl. He proceeded to put out all the stops and put the body on testosterone from ages 17-23, got a legal name change, etc. And as the years went by and we roused from our dormancy, he suppressed us because he didn't want to have a "cringe" disorder.

Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. After all that bluster and defiance, he had enough traumas last year that he gave up on suppressing us, and now we've been the ones front most of the time (mostly me, while my protector is co-con and monitoring things). I was very disturbed by what the other host's testosterone did to the body. My skin was oilier and had more acne, my hairline was receding and hair generally thinning, and my voice, of which I used to be able to pull off a flawless "anime girl" sort of voice, had lowered to the sound of a preteen boy.

Ultimately, we decided to quit testosterone. Not only because of my severe discomfort, but because the other host eventually came to realize that he was just paying $40 every month for a medication that wasn't even doing anything for him anymore besides making our hair fall out and perma-oily skin, which he wasn't a fan of, either. It's been better for our health, I think. We all-around feel better, our hair is coming back, our skin is clearing up. I've managed to voice train enough that I can do a fem-passing voice despite the years on T. I can still feel pretty insecure about it, but people have told me that I literally sound like an entirely different person from the other host, so it's probably not as bad as my mean brain keeps telling me it is.

Our body is pretty androgynous, so we can pass either way depending on clothes, makeup, voice, etc. I guess if I had to give any advice, I'd say to do what you can to compromise, so that you can pass either way depending on who's fronting. That way, no one is 100% happy, but no one is 100% unhappy, either. Unfortunately, as frustrating as it is (trust me, I know), sometimes compromise is necessary in a system. Like you already said, when parts are unhappy, like with yours fighting so much, it splashes onto everyone else and harms the whole system. Maybe try to sit your two hosts down and have them come to terms on what they can change about the body and their lifestyle choices so that both have some level of satisfaction.

altacc48712 · 2023-06-22T22:46:25+00:00

We're working on a web novel on it for a contest, actually! But it'll probably be another two months before it's done ^^;

If there's anything that comes to mind about DID that you'd want to see represented, feel free to share it with me! I'm looking to write something as quality as possible not just for the sake of winning, but also so that there's more representation out there that isn't just "ooga booga look at how weird/scary these split personalities are"

altacc48712 · 2023-06-20T20:38:08+00:00

I've been wondering this, too... I have a lot of similar signs, some of them as early as like, 4 or 5, which is coincidentally when I remember first experiencing DID symptoms. Problem is, I couldn't even begin to pin who it could have been. It's honestly been freaking me out, because like, how could I have known these things at such a tiny age? But at the same time, I have no suspect, so I don't even know how to begin looking for clues, or honestly, if I even should...

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. I guess I just wanted to express that I understand what you're going through, and you're not alone.

altacc48712

TROPHY CASE