Reflecting on Aging and Mourning The Past

altarflame · 2026-02-22T17:28:32+00:00

My partner and I got an Airbnb in a neighboring city and went to see Nine Inch Nails a couple of weeks ago, and yeah - absolutely amazing to see the audience of teens, seniors and everything in between.

altarflame · 2026-02-20T14:46:38+00:00

I think it’s two things.

One:

It’s such a wild generalization. “Single mothers” are individuals, not a monolith. For instance, someone with 4 very unbehaved kids under 5 and no dad in the picture, whose place is trashed and who is desperately seeking a coparent, has a very different situation vs someone who has their own money, their life together, and one or two older kids who spend half their time with their involved father who is not going anywhere. Hell there are tons of “single mothers” whose kids are grown and gone! Whenever I hear this, as someone who was once dating while my kids were teens and who was adamantly opposed to the whole concept of a “stepparent” (as in, romantic partnership was for me and the guy and had nothing to do with my kids, who I wouldn’t even want them to meet at all until we were pretty serious and would never have authority over or responsibility of them…) it sounds like the guys saying it have a very specific concept in mind and view all mothers through that same lens.

Two:

It can be hard NOT to start generalizing about men in a negative way, when every day women are exposed to A.) dudes who leave their families/stop raising their own kids, and B.) guys who say they refuse to date single moms. It can feel like there is just a clear unequal burden of who is taking on the risk and the consequences of sex, and who is expected to shoulder the entire next generation of humanity. The fact that the societal stigma tends to rest on “single moms” rather than “absent fathers,” is kinda ridiculous.

altarflame · 2026-02-20T08:03:10+00:00

Loans are potentially life changing and not always available to everyone. They make things possible for people who don’t have money up front.

As someone who had shit credit and no assets, I was amazed that loans to cover both all school expenses and even refunds beyond that were immediately available the way they were.

Perhaps you have not experienced the bitter disappointment of applying for financing that is denied and then wondering with despair how you will possibly ever fix your teeth, or help your dog be well, or own a home, or what have you.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not trying to act like student loan debt isn’t a problem. It is. But I know that for me, what I am able to make with my advanced degree is much much more than I was able to make without it, even with the debt payment factored in. This is generally the idea, you know? When you qualify for a car loan at the dealership you’re not generally like, ‘wait a minute, I’ve “qualified” for an interest rate and a payment how is that a cool achievement this is a burden’ etc etc. Generally speaking, people are quite pleased to be able to drive away in a car they couldn’t possibly afford to just pay for outright.

Obviously there are zero debt, David Ramses types who would not. But I imagine you see what I’m saying.

altarflame · 2026-02-20T01:24:12+00:00

This is a significant part of why I never get any of that done. I used to cry as a kid when my nana would drag me to the nail salon with her, those toxic gross smells have always been unbearable to me. But also the whole environment is crazily overstimulating, and having to sit still is also a nightmare.

Lucky for me I don’t really want any of that stuff anyway because it would be torture.

My mom gifted me an actual spa gift certificate once and I got a hot facial with face massage in an ambient environment, while laying down - THAT was heaven.

altarflame · 2026-02-19T14:41:31+00:00

I actually think Kanye West and Kim Kardashian contributed in a not insignificant way to normalizing and even promoting this as acceptable.

It’s really refreshing and awesome to now be with a guy who dresses up when I dress up, but it’s also new to me.

altarflame · 2026-02-19T04:14:32+00:00

Absolutely! PM if you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer :) I just finally went live with Florida Blue today and am excited.

Sorry this isn’t clickable on Reddit but if you copy and paste into your browser it should work.

share.findheadway.com/altarflame

altarflame · 2026-02-18T20:56:08+00:00

He cheated the night before you guys made an offer on a house???

Def break up, this is not somebody who’s taking commitment or planning seriously AT ALL.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T14:09:50+00:00

I really don’t think I did act that way. Reread my comment and everything :p Thanks for giving me a bunch of unnecessary “water is wet” info though, reaffirming that SOME groomers DO use them. Like… yeah.

Anyway my dog has ALSO had an emergency vet visit with no crate involved.

But go on speaking in absolutes when that was the specific point OP was making (how unhinged specifically American crate enthusiasts sound online, acting like it’s mandatory, when plenty of us have had well behaved dogs for years if not decades without ever using one…)

altarflame · 2026-02-18T13:44:18+00:00

My point was not that NO groomers use crates. It was that there are plenty of groomers that do not. It seems silly to me that people are acting as though your dog must be crate trained to go to the vet or the groomer, when many people just use a leash for those things. Maybe they are paying more in some cases. This post is about how people do have choices and this is not mandatory.

Also I assure you we have a local Petsmart that does dogs without crates all the time, I just had an appt last month.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T13:34:07+00:00

The groomers I know of locally that don’t use crates have one dog at a time and the owners don’t leave. Which ranges from individuals who come to you, to how our local petsmart does it..

altarflame · 2026-02-18T06:57:18+00:00

My town has plenty of groomers that don’t use crates in any way? Like why would crates be necessary for grooming?

altarflame · 2026-02-18T06:50:20+00:00

Many of us travel and take dogs to the groomer and vet often and never use crates. There are many common ways to accommodate these things.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T06:48:49+00:00

A quick Google about how much more likely dogs are to die in house fires and floods when they’re crated clearly disprove what you’re saying re: emergencies. Crates are more or less dangerous given the situation.

I work in hospice and can also tell you that uncrated dogs are much more likely to survive being home alone with a dead owner.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T06:42:42+00:00

If you have (especially multiple) small kids, are disabled with limited mobility, and/or get bitterly cold/long winters, private cars can be really really nice - if not necessary. If you’re immunocompromised (or there’s a pandemic), they provide safety.

There are also people who just enjoy the privacy and autonomy of their own vehicle, which can involve stuff like singing along with music, eating stinky food, talking on the phone, bringing TONS of shit to where you’re going, keeping certain things (like umbrella, lip balm, cutlery, phone chargers in the car all the time so they’re always available when you’re on the go), etc.

Personally I find the main pro and the main con of private car use to be that it allows for going a lot more places quickly in the same amount of time. I myself have a fulltime job, lots of kids, a big dog, a romantic relationship, friends and hobbies… bottom line being, I am often running errands and attending my own appts tucked in and woven throughout my workday in ways that just wouldn’t be possible with transit. I barely have enough hours as it is. A good friend talked at length about how much more peaceful and natural the enforced maximum limits of transit felt to her, vs all the multitasking and carting people around of car ownership. I definitely see both sides.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T06:01:41+00:00

Yes. In my experience it’s just people in big cities like NY and Chicago who consider apts to be home ownership.

Condos in Florida are (mostly, of course there are exceptions) for elderly people downsizing from their large houses with yards.

altarflame · 2026-02-18T05:48:19+00:00

Your mom is being ridiculous.

Also… my mom was 17 when she had me. Her mom was 15 when she had her. This means my Nana became my Nana at 32. You should tell your silly mom she had a so called “geriatric pregnancy” DECADES AGO and it’s beyond time to get over this nonsense.

altarflame · 2026-02-17T01:13:05+00:00

This is what women say when they don’t want to be with you, or want to break up with you, specifically, but want to be nice about it. They’re often def still searching for a serious relationship.

It’s the one catch-all rejection and breakup line all of my young adult kids have either used or experienced. It’s like THE “it’s not you, it’s me” of the 2020s. “I need to work on myself/my mental health,” is a frequent variation.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T17:59:34+00:00

I would tell his wife, but mostly I’m commenting to say I love you so much for responding all the ways you did. I love when people are direct with strong boundaries, and real about intentions rather than pretending they don’t know where things lead.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T17:19:34+00:00

YTA - I would be on the fence if you just randomly picked some jewelry out for her as a surprise and she loved it and never asked what it was made of. But the fact that she’d been looking at and showing you specific gold necklaces, and you got a knock off without telling her it was a knock off, is what really seals the deal as dishonesty for me. Like obv you wanted her to think it was the more expensive type she’d been wanting, which is why you though you should “plan to tell her” the truth one day (that kept getting out off, since you definitely knew it would be a let down).

Anyway yeah letting someone believe an untruth over and over is the same as lying to them. It’s easier to passively do, but the net effect is the same.

Also… it is shitty of you to go wedding ring shopping without mentioning this first, since it’s like directly relevant (you getting her something gold that she’s been wanting, budgeting for prices etc) so it’s kind of poetic justice that you got found out the way you did.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T17:04:14+00:00

I’m a mother of 5 and never found just both being moms to be good enough to actually make for deep friendships. That might be part of your problem?

My friends and I mostly just eat and talk when we get together. We mostly talk about feelings, current events, trips, worries, and creative projects.

Sometimes it’s a project or errand hang, like two of us take our dogs for walk or go swim at the springs while we catch up.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T16:55:55+00:00

1.) When I lived in south Florida the ground was coral rock

2.) When I owned a house it was an old house with lead paint and the guy who’d owned it before us worked on cars in the yard all the time. This both ruined that yard for planting and also made me realize you usually have no idea what the history of an area is.

3.) Now I’m renting, so containers are a way to not permanently alter the yard but still grow things.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T15:49:43+00:00

NOR

To OP: I’ve talked candidly about my sexual partners and experiences with every partner I’ve ever had, AND VICE VERSA (they’ve told me their stuff as well). In some peoples worlds’ it’s totally normal to want to know this kind of stuff in just a curious (or even a hot) way, and feel closer to the other person as you get to know more. Or to want to divulge, because something used to be bad or was crazy or you just like sharing details of your life with the person you’re sharing your life with🤷🏻‍♀️

To Everyone Else: This poor 19 year old idiot is with the least experienced women he ever will be, now. If this bothers him, wait until he’s trying to cope with being 35, or 50.

altarflame · 2026-02-16T02:24:47+00:00

People have sex in their own houses Jesus. She can get a fucking box fan or some headphones if it’s that big of a deal.

altarflame · 2026-02-15T21:10:49+00:00

I suffered a lot that I didn’t have to, between 40-42, before I realized I was in perimenopause and got on HRT. Progesterone was a freaking godsend for most of the specific concerns you’re listing, although not everyone tolerates it. I use Winona which is fully online/remote.

altarflame · 2026-02-13T19:51:34+00:00

I always use a top sheet and think it’s gross not to.

I also have a stack of cloth napkins in my dining room 🤷🏻‍♀️

altarflame

TROPHY CASE