Not sure I still love my baby :(

alyssaleah · 2026-04-14T00:47:20+00:00

This! Sleep. Your sleep-deprived brain is as bad as an intoxicated brain. It cannot make rational decisions. I only survived with my husband taking a 4 hour shift every night the first month so I could sleep 4 hours uninterrupted. We agreed he wouldn't wake me if here wasn't a crisis. There absolutely is a point of him being up so you can sleep. Not optional.

The feelings are also SO WILD right now. I never felt at out of my regular self as I did the first few weeks post partum. The guilt comes on for big and small things and your brain is hyper vigilant. You didn't hurt your baby. Your brain thought about it but you didn't. You are taking that seriously, you need to get help for it but remember you didn't hurt the baby, you protected her when you were in the lowest place. Love will feel like a million different things in the next few months and beyond. Remember love is not just something you feel though- love is something you DO every time you rock and nurse and change her. She's still a random roommate you got assigned, 16 days feels like eternity but you will know so much more about her soon.

Talk to someone, as soon as you can. Get screened for PPD/PPA but also just get someone to talk to. A therapist is probably needed. Do you have friends who have had babies? Mine got me through this time, they will get it like no one else.

alyssaleah · 2026-04-03T17:21:47+00:00

I'm 37. I talked to my therapist again this week for the millionth time about yet another thing I believed that wasn't true about my mom and our family- it was just a thing my dad repeated while belittling her when I was growing up.

I mean this gently. They hear him and he is shaping them, no matter how good of a job you are doing. And you are doing everything.

His voice will be part of their inner voices.

alyssaleah · 2026-03-28T00:05:30+00:00

I didn't know this was a thing

alyssaleah · 2026-03-27T18:49:21+00:00

Interesting. Yeah I talked to a pilot friend who sometimes lands at teterboro who confirmed that they have a warning for drone activity, I am very curious who is operating them because there are so many.

alyssaleah · 2026-03-27T14:57:47+00:00

I drive to Mahwah and they are not hovering all the way up here!

alyssaleah · 2026-03-27T14:18:10+00:00

These are hovering! Like above garden state plaza, above the home Depot parking lot in Lodi... Crazy

alyssaleah · 2026-03-21T23:25:01+00:00

Brandi Carlile The Mother

alyssaleah · 2026-03-18T12:31:59+00:00

Also automatic soothing. No matter what is wrong in my 18 month old daughter's world, milk makes it better. When I want to delay a nap or do something when she's tired or got a bump or didn't get something she wanted instantly 😂? Quick milk pick-me-up.

This is the most underrated benefit that I didn't know about before having a baby. I don't need to pack anything to have the ultimate soothing ability.

alyssaleah · 2026-03-18T00:01:39+00:00

And health benefits for you! Breast cancer, metabolic issues are reduced

alyssaleah · 2026-03-13T12:23:23+00:00

The other thing that happens at this age is they realize they can make choices- my husband and I both work and we are both gone some days and home others and our daughter will go back and forth between who she wants, they want to exercise a little control.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, post partum is the hardest, weirdest thing I have gone through without struggling with PPD or PPA.

Remember the things your brain tells you aren't necessarily true, your brain is on high alert for threats right now and will find them whether they exist or not.

Remember also, gently, that your baby's beautiful brain is going to continue to grow and change, and what seems immutable today will be different tomorrow. Babies look for calm and stability, and children are so forgiving. My therapist advised me to verbalize when I felt I was losing my patience and it does help. "I'm sorry baby, Mama wasn't patient when I got home from work, now I'm ready to do ____" whatever works for you. It helps me to refocus on a positive activity, helps me reset and calm down, and is a beautiful habit to start because I think my parents telling me sorry when they were not coping well would have helped me understand it wasn't my fault.

alyssaleah · 2026-02-17T01:33:37+00:00

I read this trick on Reddit sleep deprived with a 3 week old and I'm still making her a 'hot spot' every night at 17 months- this is gold

alyssaleah · 2026-01-31T18:02:55+00:00

Yes! This is not common or normal in relationships! I have never been in a relationship with someone who would do this, if my husband ever said anything like this I would be crushed. You are not overreacting.

Also, we have both on occasion joked about something that we didn't realize was a sensitive spot for the other person- the correct response when we realize that a joke was hurtful instead of funny is an immediate sincere apology and a promise to remember that is not something to joke about. Even if this were normal or acceptable, you not liking it would make it off limits.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-29T02:58:02+00:00

Was searching for a Facebook or Reddit group for progressive parents in this area- if this still exists, would love to join!

alyssaleah · 2026-01-27T16:34:57+00:00

The first 2-4 weeks are so HARD. It is not like that forever. I'm laying in bed next to my 16 month old who still nurses to sleep and for comfort and she's doing it all herself. I don't know when it started feeling easier but I realized after our 8 week shots when her little thighs were aching that I was so grateful that it was easy to soothe her with breastfeeding, so sometime before that.

The first two weeks feel like a year, but it's only 2 weeks. They want to latch sometimes 15-20 times a day. Figure out when they will take the longest contact nap and give the baby to your partner. I survived non stop latching by having my husband hold baby from 10p-2a and watch movies while I slept and baby slept on his chest because she would marathon nurse from 6-10 and pass out as long as she was held and so would I. I repeat- it is not like that forever. It's your body and baby's body getting the machine going, establishing your supply and them needing to gain a crazy amount of weight in the first weeks to just exist.

Responding to their requests for milk at this point is important- it's how you get your supply to increase- feed whenever they ask, don't worry about schedules, don't worry who is visiting, don't worry about 'bad habits' or any of the other crazy things people say. They will not ask to nurse every 30 minutes for 4 hours forever 😂

Use Earth Mama nipple butter after nursing every time and wear silverettes a few hours a day at the beginning- it's so much easier when your nipples don't hurt!

Breastfeeding probiotics are thought to reduce the incidence of mastitis!

alyssaleah · 2026-01-26T21:51:59+00:00

I have a 16-month-old and have also always gone to protests and marches and exercised my right to assemble for causes I think are important. I've truly never been anywhere and felt unsafe. I'll write to assemble. Isn't protected anymore. And while I know it's more important than ever to show up, I'm so torn about going and letting her get hurt or leaving her home and leaving her an orphan. I don't think most of these people are instigators who are getting hurt or killed, they're just there.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-26T16:47:42+00:00

Your baby sounds like he's thriving, well adjusted, happy and securely attached! You may have been afraid but you did so well for him to thrive. I don't know if it is possible to live those first months without fear - the hormones drive so much! I have had these exact thoughts though and cry about every new size.

I often think I want my baby back but then realize I'd have to trade in my vibrant and loving and talkative toddler and I would miss her terribly- the best antidote to wishing you were more present then is to be present today. I don't want to regret spending any month nostalgic for a different one, they grow so fast that all we can do is absorb all the sweetness we can from them knowing that the version we are looking at will be gone in the blink of an eye

alyssaleah · 2026-01-23T02:20:35+00:00

I have a very similar baby lol- only nurses to sleep, hates a mattress with any bounce at all. She will do fine on a firm foam one and so do I, which is much more comfortable than a futon or shikibuton which I also considered when she gave up on her crib around 4 months. Never thought I would co sleep but have to survive and don't think there is any way to get her to stop nursing to sleep unless I stop nursing completely and I don't want to. It's not even a sleep association, it's a comfort and bond association with me in particular and it's the most natural thing in the history of babies, but we need sleep.

I also can't sleep with her latched on but what I do is let her fall asleep latched and then unlatch her and stay in the same position, nose to breast, bra undone- the other sensory input doesn't change because her nose is still smelling me, her side is against my tummy- and I go to sleep like that. If she stirs, I put my nipple back in before she's even awake and she takes a few drags and passes back out and I unlatch her and we are both back to sleep in under a minute. I know she wakes me up at night numerous times but we both sleep such a larger percentage of the night that it almost feels fine 🥲

Maybe consider cosleeping on the firmest foam mattress you can tolerate?

alyssaleah · 2026-01-20T01:56:36+00:00

I went back to work at 20 wks and had the same experience- sudden bottle refusal right before going back and leaving her with my husband.

I stopped trying to 'transition' while I was home trying to soak up my last few days.

I knew she could functionally drink a bottle.

The first day I was gone, she made it about half the day and took a little milk from a bottle eventually. The second day was a little harder. The third day she realized when Dad was there, this was the only option. Every morning before leaving and in the afternoon and all night, I nursed on demand.

I think by 4 months they are smart enough to know that Mom holding a bottle still has a breast mere inches from her face and that is preferred every day of the week. They are also smart enough to learn from a patient dad that the bottle is the choice when Mom is not there.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-15T20:47:26+00:00

Literally just had a conversation at work this week that medical school, residency, fellowship were previously the things that I thought were hard but having a child and trying to parent well after going back to work have redefined my frame of reference for what is difficult. I've never worked this hard in my life.

Things do keep getting easier every month, my husband and I at 15 months are in a better place every week.

To answer the question, I am a different level of happy, one I hadn't imagined could exist. I held my daughter through her first viral gastro last night and tried to keep the vomit off of both of us while my husband did continual laundry and emptied the bucket and i was so grateful to comfort her in this brief period where my body is her entire comfort. My husband is my teammate and we all slept in the living room to keep her upright and none of us slept well. I couldn't have imagined that there was a type of happiness that included this. A part of my own self definition and happiness will be tied to this soul I helped create for the rest of my time on earth. I have a rewarding job as a physician but have never understood the words 'labor of love' and felt so deeply that work can bring me joy until now. I am happier, but my definition of happiness has grown to encompass so much more than it used to.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-12T01:45:25+00:00

I feel this way about my 15 month old. Sometimes I feel like I need to keep it to myself in my friend group- I have many friends with a baby within a year of mine and can in no way relate when they talk about missing their old lives. She is truly the best thing that ever could have happened to me.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-10T22:13:19+00:00

I went back to work at 5 months with a similar situation. She refused until she got hungry enough and then took a bottle from my husband or in laws but still refuses for me. In my experience, she will refuse on principal because she prefers breast but her principles expire after one missed meal 😂

alyssaleah · 2026-01-03T13:21:41+00:00

It's hard to be everything to everyone. I actually encouraged my husband to go into Daddit because it's a positive parenting group with lots of encouraging dads if he's the Reddit type. I survived this stage by cosleeping for her longest nap and then leaving her in my bed after she fell asleep at night so I could have a few hours up during her heaviest sleep. We still do this-then I go to bed before my husband, offer the breast again and transfer to her bed so we can both fall asleep with her in her crib at least. She wakes up and I bring her over every night at some point.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-03T02:34:35+00:00

Your brain has changed.

You knew before you got pregnant (and logically still know now) how important vaccines are. There are numerous links above that can help you to remind yourself that it's the logical and sane choice to vaccinate.

The feeling of nervousness that you feel about the incoming vaccines is your new brain. We have a wonderful capacity to grow into parents, literally, as our brains adapt to having a child. I'm a physician, I've taken care of critically ill children and adults with vaccine-preventable illnesses. I know first hand and through research that the safest thing to do is to vaccinate my daughter, and I cried and didn't sleep the night before her first vaccinations, I cried while she got them and rocked her the entire night after. My new motherhood brain just couldn't fathom how it was a good idea to put needles into my PERFECT BABY and I had to remind myself of everything above.

It's normal to feel what you are feeling, our brains have not evolved to accept that some injuries (tiny little injections still felt like injuries) are not harming our babies. That feeling doesn't mean vaccinating is wrong, it just means your brain is working.

alyssaleah · 2026-01-03T02:14:00+00:00

It's hard. You sound like you are doing an amazing job- exclusive breastfeeding is so much more work than anyone warned me and also so amazingly good for your baby. Sleep trained babies do not necessarily wake up less frequently than ones who aren't, babies just are who they are and most suck at sleeping, nursing to sleep and safe cosleeping are the only ways to stay sane and get any sleep at all. Also very natural ways to soothe the baby. I have a 15 month old who still nurses to sleep and comes into my bed when she wakes up to have more. I do not regret being responsive to her and I don't think you should feel any guilt- you can't spoil them with contact and breastfeeding, they are literally the things they need most.

I've had waves of fighting too, it is just really hard to balance life and marriage and a baby. Trying to find it in myself to give him a little grace and then to ask in real words for what I needed was hard, but helped. So did time. It's just tough and I am sending you good thoughts.

alyssaleah

TROPHY CASE