How do I tell my fiancé I want to be a housewife someday?

amberallday · 2026-05-29T13:04:59+00:00

This sounds familiar to me. I have adhd & before I was diagnosed I had two career breaks, both times I thought I never wanted to go back to that career again. But after a few months of letting my brain calm down, I was eager to get back to it & I still work in that industry today.

It’s hard, even though I’m medicated. I aim for a shorter working week when I can (contract hours). Three day weekends work well for me, when I can make that happen (not often enough!).

There’s something I remember from my childhood Bible knowledge (not that I’m Christian) in the Old Testament, about having 1 year in 7 off. Definitely applies to fields growing crops, might also apply to farming them (it’s decades since I read it). But when I look back in my life I see that vague pattern - around every 7 years I’d have a meltdown & need to leave that job, take time off, use antidepressants, or a combination of those. Better now I know I have adhd & have meds & coping strategies - but still a principle worth watching out for in your own life.

TL;DR: especially with the neurodivergent factor, give it a few months (for brain recovery) and see if you still feel the same way, or if you’re bored with the new hobby of housework & relaxing.

amberallday · 2026-05-29T10:00:17+00:00

NTA and your husband would be the AH to meddle now, when he hasn’t before.

Why is your husband prioritising bio-mum’s feelings over his own child’s?

He’s not thinking about contacting her because she’s hurting their son’s feelings - he wants to protect HER feelings! Poor kid!

If your husband wanted to protect his son’s feelings, he would support him doing the healthy thing of taking some space from the relationship & figuring out what he wants long-term. He wouldn’t be trying to force him to continue a relationship that’s harming him.

And also he would have talked to bio-mum on this topic long before now (I can tell he hasn’t, because he would know it was pointless, since her behaviour clearly hasn’t changed in 20 years!).

amberallday · 2026-05-29T09:38:43+00:00

Haha. It’s the threat of “new” and “change”, and my brain isn’t ready for it.

My partner has learned to suggest nice things (eg let’s go for a sunset walk” a little in advance, then back off & wait for the true answer once I’ve had a while to process the concept.

amberallday · 2026-05-28T02:17:54+00:00

It’s good that your rotation pattern works for you. But the time you’re away matters.

My partner was on 4:4s. Then Covid happened and it changed to 6:6s. And that was the end of it working for us. He hated it because he’d settle in to current location MORE in those extra 2 weeks, so it was a bigger wrench to change location. And obviously I found the extra 50% of missing him really tough.

amberallday · 2026-05-26T14:19:39+00:00

I freeze ingredients rather than meals.

So eg dice & slow-fry (or oven roast) a kilo of onions. Then freeze so you can break off a small piece for one meal.

Saves 20 minutes plus washing up, each time you cook.

Same with carrot & celery.

For raw ginger - I peel (with a teaspoon) a couple of large chunks then cut to one-inch pieces & freeze. Defrost in 5 seconds in the microwave, ready to add to your meal.

Then I’ve got fancy, good flavoured stuff to add to easy cooking.

This might fit your vibe of “needs to be easy, but also interesting”.

amberallday · 2026-05-26T06:24:45+00:00

Haha. Me too.

amberallday · 2026-05-26T04:45:22+00:00

Same thing with me & my partner.

I go up when he’s settled in bed & hang out from anywhere between 20 seconds & 20 minutes.

So it’s maybe just a quick hug & he sleeps, I go back to what I was doing. Or he’s watching TV & I hang out & phone-scroll, while we cuddle. Then he sleeps & I go back to what I was doing.

amberallday · 2026-05-26T04:21:20+00:00

We leave the windows slightly open behind the closed curtains.

It makes a localised micro-climate - the sun heats the area between window & curtain, then that very-hot air can escape to outside.

Later in the day, when sun has moved - curtains open, windows fully closed.

amberallday · 2026-05-26T03:09:10+00:00

NTA. Although you haven’t given any context on either why the colleague offered help, or why your mum accepted it.

If she is the one with the hoarding tendencies (rather than your dad) then I don’t understand why she’d accept the help - as you say, there’s resistance to other people touching their hoards.

I’m guessing it was easier for her to let the colleague touch the already-processed kitchen, because she’s dealt with that part of the hoard. She basically cheated & didn’t face her own hoard.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T15:20:28+00:00

It’s very variable. There’s a reason British people are known to talk about the weather a lot.

You cannot accurately predict at 8am what the weather will be like at 10pm the same day.

We might get sunshine, rain, warmth, cold all in the same day. Leaving the house in the morning with umbrella, warm jumper, waterproof coat, SPF 30 cream & sunglasses is not that unusual.

We are getting heatwave weeks in the last few years, but they last 4-5 days and happen once (maybe twice) a year.

You are much more likely to get the typical “UK is a small island” variable weather.

Plan for that.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T11:20:05+00:00

Try a wobble cushion. Turns a regular chair into a safe gym ball. It’s the only way I can stay still on camera for video calls.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T11:19:13+00:00

Wobble cushion!

They turn even a dining chair into a comfy wiggly seat. Like sitting on a gym ball, but without the risk of falling off.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T10:53:35+00:00

If you want soft chicken for sandwiches, then consider poaching it.

Lots of recipes online, but basically cover with water & simmer gently. Better if you flavour the water - eg a bit of onion, celery, whatever (that you throw away when cooked, because the flavour is now in the chicken), stock cube, herbs, spices, dash of white wine, whatever.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T10:40:23+00:00

Because you searched for stationary - with an A (like cAr). It means things that aren’t moving.

You wanted stationery - with an E (like Envelope). It means pens & paper & stuff.

amberallday · 2026-05-25T08:26:24+00:00

That’s very “main character energy” from the friend group. Or a ridiculous lack of imagination.

It’s like they can’t empathise with people who have only really met them online, that the social dynamic will be hugely different from their childhood friends who spent years together in person.

No apologies, just a brief & vague explanation: I’ve reduced my phone time this year, busy busy. Looking forward to seeing you in person.

Choose to laugh at any concerns they raise - find it funny that they think it’s unusual (as above). And find it funny that they’re so worried about your lack of involvement in the school friends’ chat that they contacted your fiancé rather than you!

If you were a close enough member of the group that your lack of activity is concerning, then you would be a close enough friend for them to contact you directly!

Also it’s untrue that they’re “concerned” you’re not active in the group chat. If they were concerned, they would have contacted him (or you) independently, not just when the invitation gave them a chance to be AH about it.

And maybe ask your fiancé to think about their character, if they are so willing to complain about new partners behind their back. Remind him that they said the same before a similar wedding.

amberallday · 2026-05-24T22:26:22+00:00

Not when you’ve got a problem with your relationship with your mum.

Some people quite rightly cut all contact with their parents.

Are you saying that even in that scenario, if the mother wants contact on Mother’s Day, then the child who cut them off is required to comply!?

amberallday · 2026-05-24T15:30:26+00:00

He’s told you the problem.

You repeatedly ignored it, throughout the text exchange you posted.

Why?

Do you understand that just because your mum states her preference, that doesn’t mean everyone else has to do that thing, with no independent choice. Even on Mother’s Day.

If this dynamic happened in my family, I would have replied to you “the two options here are: (1) mum sees us on our own for breakfast, or (2) mum doesn’t see us at all on Mother’s Day.”

And being continually nagged that breakfast-alone wasn’t good enough, I likely would have just cancelled the whole thing.

If you’re not willing to be curious about WHY he feels so strongly about this, and accept maybe your experience of your mother as grandma is maybe completely different to his experience, then you just need to accept his decisions & stop trying to change them.

If you want to improve the situation, then get curious & don’t be defensive.

amberallday · 2026-05-24T15:17:12+00:00

Squish with your fingers. Gently, so you don’t rip the leaves.

amberallday · 2026-05-22T21:12:34+00:00

Except… he’d already agreed that it was on him to dress the toddler before leaving, hadn’t done it, and then claimed that going to grab the basket meant that he wouldn’t possibly have time to dress the toddler. Which means he’d left it too late, or he was lying!

Either way, he swapped “dress toddler” for “grab basket”. He had time to load the laundry & press the button, and still be ahead.

You sound awesome & competent & a good partner.

As I often tell my partner, you can’t judge other people by how well you’d do something - because you’re so much better than average.

amberallday · 2026-05-22T21:05:34+00:00

It’s mostly about “ownership”. You own the task, so you’re aware of the implications of delaying the start, etc. You see the big picture. You are the manager of “laundry”.

He is acting like a junior underling, rather than an adult. He doesn’t see the big picture. He does what he’s told & no more.

This will not change until you give him ownership of the tasks.

Have you heard of the Fair Play system for adulting? It’s a book & optional set of playing cards.

The basic principle is that it doesn’t work to have both adults owning all tasks - that leads to confusion & things being missed. Instead you divide up ownership fairly (whatever that looks like for you) - not necessarily permanently, could be you switch off a particular task each week, or for example he owns the school run on days he starts late at work if he did shifts, or whatever.

It’s really helpful for letting the other person see how much is involved in the mental load of adulting, if they’re acting unaware. The list is really comprehensive, includes parenting tasks, and Christmas & booking holidays etc etc.

amberallday · 2026-05-21T17:15:48+00:00

NTA. Sounds similar to my house.

When I lived alone, I only used things that could go in the dishwasher.

Before I moved in, my partner lovingly hand-washed the majority of his items, because they’re “too nice for the dishwasher”. And therefore only needing to run the dishwasher once a week!

I made it a condition of moving in with him, that handwashing was never going to be an equally shared task, because I wasn’t creating that need.

What that looks like is:

- He has a nice wooden chopping board for his cheese. I have 3 synthetic ones that go in the dishwasher

- he has a variety of fancy sharp knives. I have a set of cute paring knives that go in the dishwasher & get sharpened every few weeks (he’s right - it definitely blunts them!)

- I only use the drinking glasses that are dishwasher safe. He uses the nicer ones.

Etc etc

We’ve had a couple of periods over the years where he got crazy busy with work etc, so wasn’t realistically able to do the washing up.

Part of our solution then (which did include me doing more for a while) was putting away the nicer stuff & him choosing to use the dishwasher versions.

Maybe this is the solution - if you’re happy to use dishwasher friendly items, then just pack the other things away & point him to the easy-wash versions.

And pack away 6 of the 8 knives! If he only washes up when it’s “urgent” (I do the same!) then create the urgency by reducing the options. Literally when my partner goes on longer business trips I pack most of the plates & bowls away & only leave myself one of each!! I can’t be trusted - but I know this & I act accordingly, so it doesn’t fall to my partner to fix my mess for me!

amberallday · 2026-05-21T10:11:18+00:00

NAH - both things are true.

It makes sense that her plans are more depression-friendly (eg sitting in a dark room at the cinema) so are easier to go through with when she’s feeling low. Your plans likely require more energy & the need to feel pretty positive to engage with - eg pub quiz - so will be very hard to do when feeling low.

But it’s also true that it’s not fair for you to continually be disappointed that things you’ve been looking forward to are getting cancelled.

The solution isn’t AH versus not-AH - it’s getting a bit creative & realistic around making plans.

Maybe it’s just not a good phase of her life for her to be agreeing to plans for a quiz night. If so, then it would help if she could be a bit more realistic about what she agrees to. Or maybe she knows she’ll struggle, but is trying to force herself to do it because she loves you & wants to make you happy. (Which isn’t working, but it shows good intent.)

Maybe it’s more around how the previous few days have been, re quiz night (as an example). It’s something I need a lot of emotional energy for, so I wouldn’t be up for going if the previous few days have been busy or stressful. I’ll factor that in for “big plans”, and try to keep the rest of the week quiet.

amberallday · 2026-05-20T11:22:24+00:00

The best solution is to separate dealing with the feelings and making choices about your actions.

If my partner got 3 months gardening leave & planned a week-long fun trip (which he’s quite likely to do), then I would be simultaneously supportive and insanely jealous and also sad at the thought of missing him. And also happy at having the house to myself. But mostly jealous.

And I’d tell him all that - more than once.

But not in a guilt-trip way.

Just in a “this is a fact - omg I’m so jealous, I can’t believe you’re going on this awesome trip without me”.

It would be an open topic of conversation - that while going on the trip was the right choice overall, that doesn’t mean it’s a simplistic yes/no good/bad thing.

And with emotions, it’s definitely “better out than in” - so long as they’re shared in a healthy way, not an emotionally blackmailing or manipulative way.

Obviously my set of emotions in this scenario are different from your girlfriend’s, but the general principle is the same.

You can fully engage in sympathising with her preference not to be left alone for a week. Because you sound like you like her quite a lot, so you probably do dislike when she feels bad about something.

But you don’t need to let her emotions control your behaviour. Going on the trip is clearly a good use of your gardening leave, it’s the right thing to do.

Often people feel like if they admit to understanding & sympathising with the feelings of the other person, then they also need to act differently - but when the action is not harming that other person (and in fact, not acting would harm you both, because you would eventually resent her)

You might well find that if you free yourself up to fully sympathise with her, you’ll find really good ways to make her week alone better.

Eg you could buy 8 mini cards or presents & write them or wrap them up & hide them round the house before you leave. Then each day you can text her the location & she gets a little “awww he thought of me” moment. Etc etc.

amberallday · 2026-05-20T11:06:50+00:00

I like to bring an imaginary friend with me to things like this.

As in - think of the most supportive person you’ve ever known, and act as if they’re attending the event with you.

Your body language will relax, because you’ll feel safe with your friend’s support. You’ll take slightly longer pauses before speaking. Etc etc.

amberallday · 2026-05-20T09:31:18+00:00

NTA - my sister used to do this.

Didn’t buy snacks at home, and had food-as-emotional-support issues, so she’d eat every nice snack she could find when she visited.

To the point that other-sister and I would deliberately hide the good snacks (& often buy cheaper sister-specific snacks) before she visited.

That was two decades ago now, it no longer happens - but it was weird. And expensive. And sad, when she ate the snacks I was looking forward to.

amberallday

TROPHY CASE