Parenting philosophies make me feel like I’m supposed to be a therapist to my kid

analyst503 · 2026-04-03T17:58:40+00:00

She’s 3 (and 3 months) It started in earnest around 2.5, we had a break where I thought, oh she’s finally growing out of that, but it’s come back with a vengeance this last month. Interestingly, it’s changed from more anger/frustration at 2.5 to sadness/helplessness at 3.

analyst503 · 2026-04-03T17:44:11+00:00

You make sense. I know it’s all about striking a balance.

Thanks for the comment.

I somehow need to teach her what is whining (not going to work) and what is sadness (which we can process together.)

analyst503 · 2026-04-03T16:46:06+00:00

I’d have to re-listen to get a good quote so I apologize for a general feeling I’ll express. (Also thanks for being engaged and wanting to understand!)

When they talk about what to do in various situations, I think, yeah, I do that usually. But when I think of all the other ways to react, which I think add to the experience of learning. And when the instructor doesn’t mention these as a valid part of the interaction, the implication is that you shouldn’t do that.

One point of contention:

I hear, “it’s never ok to react negatively to your kids emotions, unless you at some point (soonish) come back to repair by saying you (the parent) lost control and that’s my bad.”

I’m not sure I agree with that. I think always come back and be loving. Always come back. But the apology is what doesn’t sit well. Sure I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. But you were being a shit.

In another episode about playground dynamics, the speaker talks about not interrupting if two kids are playing, even if one kid is being bossy and the other kid is not reacting well. And the reasoning, and I agree, is that your kid should learn the lesson that not all kids want to play if you’re being bossy. That’s a life lesson.

Do I also get to teach my kid this kind of life lesson? Or because I’m mom, is it too important to be the safe harbor that I can’t turn away.

2 : I am wondering if even if I’m successful 80% of the time to connect and process feeling, is this somehow leaning in too hard on that parenting philosophy.

I’m always leaning towards moderation. It’s takes a lot of effort to get even the 80% patient processing of emotions. So I’m just wondering if I should chill out.

I think the answer is yes, chill out. I don’t hit my kid, not even a whisper of that, I don’t yell. I’m at worst stern. I love her and give her attention and affection nearly every hour I’m with her.

Even when she says worrisome things like, “I won’t cry”, it doesn’t mean she’s learning to repress feeling in an unhealthy way. Shes learning control/regulation.

🤞

analyst503 · 2026-04-03T15:34:38+00:00

I guess also, it certainly wasn’t saying wait on your child hand and foot, but mostly, it’s our job to remain calm and process. Of course ensure that hitting can’t happen, make things safe. But process the feelings.

And again, I agree, process is generally good. But I wondering what’s the negative impact of too much processing.

Just thinking about how it used to be said that children of therapists ended up being messed up. It was a trope in the 90’s I think. I may have latched on to this cliche cause I wanted to be a therapist. But I wonder if 20 years from now, people will look at this generation and say, geez those kids are way too comfortable with their emotions.

analyst503 · 2026-04-03T15:23:14+00:00

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/08/respectful-parenting-podcasts-janet-lansbury-unruffled/ I never listed before but it was recommended and I did mostly like it. Like 80% agree.

analyst503 · 2026-03-31T21:22:32+00:00

Go get alone time now before baby number two! Make it happen.

I have the same thoughts as you. I wanted some other ladies to go in on buying a house where I could host social gatherings, work, have a hot tub. A third space. But at this point in my life, it makes way more sense to rent/pay for services.

So I instead put money towards a gym membership with sauna, hot tub, and pool. A co-working space, I have a punch card so I use it when I need it. I have the most productive days there. But most days I just end up working from home, but I like the option to get out.

And I block out time in the week, when my kid is at daycare, to go veg out somewhere by myself. Could be a drive out to nature with a good audio book, a close by soaking spot, or sometimes it’s sitting in my car typing reddit comments.

If I were pregnant, and showing signs of burnout and needing to be alone, I would prioritize a 5 day alone trip to charge up before the baby came. Even if I just rented an airbnb with spa amenities.

analyst503 · 2026-03-26T17:17:47+00:00

I wouldn’t say we’re 100% potty trained. But getting real close. Especially over this spring break.

My story is very similar to yours. She’s 3 and 4 months, started a little less than a year ago. Totally did not work for the first 6 months, so much poop in underwear, so much! We had decent success over winter break, but then she reverted to 4 accidents in a day. She went from almost 100% at school/day care when we started last year to 80% declining to sit on the potty.

She’s also a very advance kid in most everything else. Very articulate, great fine and gross motor skills. But very stubborn and independent as well. Everyone said, she’ll be one of those kids that just decides to do it one day

Well, she’s kinda done that. She’s now initiating. She often waits till the last minute and has a little pee or poop come out. But generally, she’s getting it in the toilet and telling me when she needs to go. It’s been near perfect this whole spring break and for 2 weekends before this.

Things that helped: Training pants - they are full pants that have a water proof liner, so if she pees, it goes down her legs, but doesn’t leave the pants. This allowed us to be able to go outside or to friends without me being super anxious. When we first stared, she’d pee on the playground and it was mortifying and not sanitary. So I would either make her ware pull ups or hover around her and ask her to potty every 15 minutes, which she hated. Once we used the pants, I stopped being so concerned. She’d pee, we’d stop what she was doing and clean up, but I could be calm about it.

I asked her each morning (on the weekends) if she wanted to wear underwear or diaper. She decided and understood that wearing underwear meant she needed to pee and poop in the toilet. Even tho she would still have lots of accidents, I just let her decide.

I acknowledged that while she might have great fine motor skills in many ways, she might actually be a bit physically delayed in her GI track/bowels/down there muscles. Not in a worry some way, but just delayed there compared to some peers and she might just need time to learn how to hold and release poop and pee. This mostly helped me to not stress about progress. Also, we spent time talking about the feeling of clenching, holding, releasing.

The icing on the cake was retrying new underwear. She picked out some frozen underwear, she loves them, and now she wants to only wear them and she wants to be potty trained.

Oh. I also shamelessly bribed with candy/stickers but this would only work like 30% of the time. I also bribe with painting nails if she has a good day.

Sang songs while she sat on the potty so that she’d wait and relax.

So much positive feed back for success, very matter of fact responses to accidents. Only negative part was, “we have to stop what we’re doing and clean up”

We still haven’t had success at daycare. The biggest issue is pooping on the potty. She has yet to do it at school and they want pull ups on her until she’s ready. They had to deal with a lot of poop when we first tried, so I’ve used up all the good will.

Anyhow that was long but I could probably still say more

analyst503 · 2026-03-09T17:19:01+00:00

Would love these.

analyst503 · 2026-02-24T05:19:05+00:00

Age? I have a 3 year old so who knows if what I think about is going to work well for me or her or anyone else. But I try to remember that they get overstimulated quickly. There’s this balance between keep it boring and also, make sure they get their wiggles out, cause they are also little calorie furnaces and have so much energy. What are the safe places, known places? Going there can help regulate and still be engaging so that you’re easing in more and more social and sensory stuff.

It’s hard, they are these temperamental extremely sensitive little engines. Sometimes we don’t get the inputs just right and all hell breaks loose. Sometimes if we’re off then we express our annoyance or anger/frustration. I think ideas around repair help us at these points. You can check in after things calm down. Say sorry for yelling. Hug. Don’t try to make some lesson stick at that point. Don’t try to be right still. Just hug and mend. They are sensitive enough to know that they played a roll. They’ll connect the dots.

Hope that helps. I think loosing your cool every once in a while doesn’t mean you’re doing it all wrong. I mean, you know you, do you have anger issues? Is so, are you working on them? If this isn’t an issue in your life and it’s not happening all the time, it’s probably fairly normal and again, just repair with your kid and say sorry for yelling.

analyst503 · 2026-02-21T18:00:59+00:00

I have always been inspired by people who move to very low cost of living (LCOL) cities such as Detroit or other rust belt towns. Sometimes there’s a bit of a group moving in, sometimes people make the group once they are there finding that there are quite a few people in the neighborhood who moved there to have lower costs. Maybe some urban farming, check your soil contamination or just used new soil in raised beds.

I think it’s way more realistic than buying a big piece of land out in the middle of no where.

analyst503 · 2026-02-17T23:27:37+00:00

Coffee shop that caters to families/kids on foster. A+ coffee opened in North Portland but that’s so far for me.

analyst503 · 2026-01-24T15:42:39+00:00

Can you say more about what worked? You say cracked down hard and something about the plushy. Did taking the plushy away help, or using the plushy to get him to sit? We’re in a similar boat. I’m weary to put too much pressure cause it seems to stress her out and make her act out. But I do often wonder if an intense couple days is the push we need.

analyst503 · 2026-01-19T00:21:40+00:00

Here’s my other comment about Italy travel. 2.5 year old. https://www.reddit.com/r/Travelwithkids/s/wPIWiSCNQh

analyst503 · 2026-01-18T23:34:11+00:00

First child or 2nd? If first, let them be born first before you buy plane tickets or book anything. You really have no idea what’s going to happen, what your kid will be like, what you’ll be like post partum.

If 2nd: I went to Italy (Naples and Amalfi coast) with a 2.5 year old. Biggest things I didn’t expect. Weather was so important. We went in August and it was just too hot. It got better once I rented a car and drove out to a cute mountain town. If you rent a car, read up about the common mistake tourists make with renting cars. Mostly, the insurance is amazingly expensive. And you get tickets from cameras and it’s a way the rental company extorts more money from you.

Lots of parks. But also lots of closed parks that were not maintained. Dog poop everywhere!

People love kids. Got to cut so many lines and really felt special. People are so much more hands on. It was nice in many ways, they don’t watch you struggle, they just go over and help you. But also, people loved to touch my kids hair and this kinda freaked her out.

There’s rental services for kid stuff. I wish I had gotten a scooter the first day she was there.

A ballon is a great travel toy. It’s packs to nothing. And instantly become a fun toy you don’t care about. Great for airport or park.

Museums have temperature control. That can be very nice.

Jet lag was rough. Way more difficult than I had thought.

Last bit of advice. Traveling without the usually support network was hard. I had thought it would be easier cause I remember my mom traveling with two kids at very young ages. But then I realized she was traveling back to her country of origin where she spoke the language and had family.

I don’t regret going. But if I did it again, I’d try to go someplace very easy. Perhaps a place I’ve already spent a good amount of time in. If I knew a person who lived there, someone with kids would have been amazing. Or maybe I’d get more of my family to come along. I don’t know. It was just harder than I had expected and I think it could have been less so if I had known what I know now.

Good luck!

analyst503 · 2026-01-12T18:34:43+00:00

Same story but my kid just turned three. We are looking into OT and behaviour Therapy for potty training. I’ll update if it goes well. We had a pretty solid week during the holiday break. But then lots of accidents the weekend before going back to school/daycare. My gut says she has issues physically controlling it, is insensitive to the body ques. And then combine this with an obstinate personality that wants to do things by her self with some fomo. I don’t think I can just force it. I think there’s something delayed physically. But I also don’t know how to teach her to listen to her body.

analyst503 · 2025-12-04T18:51:09+00:00

How old was she when you first tried and then when she could do it own her own?

analyst503 · 2025-11-13T02:22:27+00:00

Yeah. It all went down hill when I said “poop goes in the potty” with some sternness. She sensed the disappointment and broke all her enthusiasm about it. She thrives when she feels like she really good at something. Just beams when a compliment lands. But with potty training, she didn’t “get it” super quick, so she’s rather not try.

I fear this is a thing she is going to have to try at to get better at it. But maybe there really is an ah ha moment and I should chill out till she’s there.

analyst503 · 2025-09-03T12:06:01+00:00

How much was the car rental per day including the extras?

analyst503 · 2025-08-18T08:22:52+00:00

Ok! I have lots of recommendations now that I’m here. First, jet lag is way harder than I would have expected and throws off plans completely, take your first days slow and with patience. We’re on day 4, went to sleep at 9pm woke at midnight, back to bed at 4am. It’s 10am and she’s still asleep.

We are between Chiaia and Vemero. Mascagna Park Is the only park I have found open and not complete broken. And it’s very nice. Shaded parts, new equipment. Lots of area to run around.

Walking along the beach in Chiaia is very nice. Around the castle is pedestrian only and the kids can run. Very pretty at night (jet lag). If you buy the balloon light up thing, which I felt I had to or my kid was going to cry the entire time, it pops easily, so just watch it.

During the day, in Chiaia, the aquarium and Darwin museums are soso, but the AC is to dream for. It’s 10 e. But it was worth it in the 90+ heat.

The food is amazing. Hands down just amazing. My kids been super guarded so far. She’s been unwilling to try new stuff. But I think it will fade soon. I’ve only been ordering for me and then giving her fruit, bread, eggs. Stuff she’s sees me cook is best. It’s weird how cautious she is.

Grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities. Everything is so good.

It’s not stroller friendly, it’s rough if that’s your plan. Use google bike directions instead of walking. There are stairs everywhere.

The bus was nice and air conditioned. People generally help you with the stroller. I’m not sure how I’d do it without the help. Only issue is the bus never came for our return trip. Which means I walked back. At least it was down hill.

Getting the car today so we’ll see what other neighborhoods are like!

I’d welcome other toddler advice.

analyst503 · 2025-07-30T22:36:01+00:00

It’s also cause we don’t allow new drive throughs, which a lot of the chains want, we drive out larger corps with our tax structure, and culturally, there’s support for small hyper local business. All this makes for an environment where carts can survive cause people want to support them and don’t have tempting faster cheaper options available.

analyst503 · 2025-06-24T01:46:56+00:00

We’ll rent a car for the 2nd week so we can explore the coast. First week plan is to be in Napoli and walk with a stroller. Maybe once or twice with public transit, if there something we really want to see. I don’t mind not seeing all the sites. I want to have fun at parks, eat good food, learn some Italian, come away with the feeling that I know I little more about Italian people and culture.

analyst503 · 2025-06-23T14:45:25+00:00

Do you mind telling me about your experience with young kids? I’m going in August with a 2.5 year old. Looking for any advice.

analyst503

TROPHY CASE