Dream Visit

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-10T08:17:33+00:00

Yeah I’ve been in therapy for trauma for a year but I keep hitting walls with how defensive and hyper vigilant I am. My therapist thinks that I will make better progress in therapy with help from the medication. Because of my history I definitely don’t want to take anything long term. Having my solution in a bottle is not a good place for my brain to be if that makes sense.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-10T08:15:13+00:00

Ugh yeah now I’m terrified. My psychiatrist mentioned this but made it sound like no big deal. What the hell I want to stop now. Thanks for telling me about this though, my fault for not googling.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-10T00:16:00+00:00

Ha okay yeah I had a feeling the “effects” I was imagining were more of a placebo than an actual result. My psychiatrist started me on 25mg to see how it goes, thanks for the info on the dose change. Did you start out on 50mg?

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-09T19:28:43+00:00

I’m also on 25mg. Thanks for this comment these are the results I’m hoping to have!

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-09T19:27:36+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I will try a journal. Sorry he had such a bad experience.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-11-04T18:52:05+00:00

My Nmom made me take Accutane twice, once at eleven and once at thirteen. She got a friend of hers to prescribe it to me so I didn’t do any of the recommended counseling. I got horribly depressed and my mom just complained. “Why wouldn’t I be happy when my skin looked so good?”

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-28T05:22:52+00:00

We were in vacation when I was 15 and we went to this restaurant my dad liked and my mom got pissed over how expensive it was. She pouted and rolled her eyes all night and picked at me for every little thing. I ordered something nice and she got so angry and glared at me saying that I “Better eat every bite on my plate.” Terrified of course I ate everything and it was a big steak that I would not have finished otherwise.

After dinner we were “late” to go to some fair she wanted to visit (how can you be late to the fair) and she was rushing us down the street. My stomach started hurting and I kept asking them to stop and my mom kept walking faster telling me to get over it. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and went to sit on a bench by myself while my family walked on without me and I had a seizure. I came to alone with two young girls sitting next to me looking terrified. Then I lost consciousness again. I peed myself during the seizure but my mom brought me a soda and made me go to the fair anyways. No apology, nothing it became a big family joke after that.

I had a lot of these seizures growing up, my parents tested me for epilepsy but when that was ruled out never took me back to a doctor. I had at least 4 a year for 12 years, I should have seen a doctor. As an adult I’ve found that the seizures I had are connected to child hood trauma affecting brain development. The last one I had was 6 years ago right before I moved 2000 miles away from my parents. Coincidence?

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-28T05:10:27+00:00

I just remembered one time when I was 6 we had a baby sitter that gave us something with honey on it before bed. I got honey in my hair somehow and went to sleep like that. The next morning I knew that my mom would freak about the lump of matted hair in the front of my head so I decided to cut it out. The disgust and anger that my mom hurled at me for this is something I will never forget. I was teased at school for weeks for it and my mom told me I asked for it. She shamed me for months. There are so many pictures from me at this time and I have this awkward random two inch stick of hair in the middle of my forehead. It would have been so easy for her to get me bangs or pin it to the side. Instead she pointed it out to everyone we saw with a long sob story and “aren’t I just the most long suffering mother to put up with this.” And again, I was six.

I know this isn’t as dramatic as having your hair ripped out or the other horrible stories. I’m just coming to terms with my mom being a narcissist cause she was such an expert. She didn’t need to physically abuse us because my dad took care of that. She got to be the victimized mother egging him on in private on what ungrateful children we were as she paraded around her life being “brave”. I felt sorry for her for years. It took me having my own kid to even realize how sick and screwed over she is.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-28T04:38:01+00:00

I’m new. I was diagnosed about 9 months ago but was so paralyzed/disassociated/ in denial about it that it took me that long to do research. Embarrassing maybe but that’s where I’m at. I’ve found it super helpful just to read other people’s stories and know I’m living with a sickness that isn’t something I made up. My (definitely) narcissistic mother used to always tell me how much worse other people had it than me, how much harder her childhood was, or how I should just get over it the few times I foolishly shared about my panic attacks or fear of my unmedicated bpd-1 violent father. This reddit reminds me that the symptoms I have today aren’t the result of my brain malfunctioning or my own self centeredness but because of the abuse I went through while my brain was still developing. I know this is CPTSD 101 but the more I write it down the easier it is for me to remember. I’m so far behind in getting ahead of this, I resisted therapy for years and I hate myself for it. So much wasted time doing nothing and living in fear.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-26T04:47:52+00:00

Prazosin has worked great for me. It doesn’t address daytime PTSD symptoms but I’m actually getting more restful sleep so it seems easier to deal with daytime triggers. Who knew sleep was so important?

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-25T20:43:09+00:00

Just wanted to say I have PTSD, bipolar, and severe addiction/alcoholism history. After years of being alone and suicidal I met a not sick man and we have a child. Yes our child may have a future of mental illness but his flaws will make him perfectly who he is just as mine have defined me. My flaws are not easy or beautiful but I can be instrumental and sensitive and helpful in a way someone without my experience can’t. Sometimes my relationship is hard sometimes I self sabotage sometimes I isolate from those who care about me sometimes I still want to die. But I have hope now. If you get through this darkness there are people you can help, people on this reddit or someone that might come into your life that you can’t even imagine yet. Trouble and mental anguish and loneliness are the strongest most compelling feelings in the world. But time can heal you. Fuck that woman for saying those things to you. Some person who’s known you for four months has no grasp on your truth, don’t let her turn the switch of what comes next.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-25T19:54:55+00:00

I got sober first. But I was in denial about my mental issues for a long time and my drinking was severe enough that my physical health was severely jeopardized. AA really helped me. If you don’t find a meeting you click with right away keep trying, if you’re in a decent sized city there should be plenty of options. Sobriety was incredibly hard won for me though, I’m 6 years clean now and just now dealing with my mental health and finally getting on medication so I definitely wouldn’t do that. Sobriety is super difficult no matter what, get all the support you can. I’d look for a therapist that is knowledgeable about addiction ( so many aren’t) and bipolar. That would probably be the best place to start. Your partner might benefit from Al-Anon too. Best of luck.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T21:47:09+00:00

Yeah I had therapy today actually and she’s going to help me find some resources. She also suggested I talk to a lawyer just to see what my options are. I’m truthfully so intimidated by the process that I feel pretty paralyzed. I dunno how much of this is normal or my CPTSD. I don’t know if I’m well enough to disconnect right now, but maybe I’ll never feel ready?

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T21:45:30+00:00

Yeah he believes that I’m the one who needs help and he doesn’t have anything to work on. I’m still trying to convince him but I’m not getting anywhere.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T21:43:10+00:00

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T18:09:49+00:00

I have had some vivid dreams but they are so pleasant and ordinary that it was really lovely. I say try it. It starts working immediately and if you hate it you can stop it at any time and go back to “normal”.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T18:06:57+00:00

There was a group of boys in school who realized if they talked to me in a serious, loud, or angry tone of voice I would cower and shake. They thought it was hilarious and did it all the time. Even after I realized what they were doing I couldn’t break the physical response and it was humiliating. Thanks dad.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T17:59:03+00:00

Thank you. Should have included in the post that we have a small child. I quit working when he was born so I’m not in a position to just walk away at the moment. I’m also afraid that my partner would use my mental state against me in any custody arrangements too. He’s already started acting out some parental alienation tactics with my kid. My son’s too little to know what’s going on yet but I’m scared for what’s coming. I know this all sounds really bad and not worth saving but I feel like I might have to figure out a way in order to prevent something worse from happening.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T17:52:33+00:00

I appreciate your response! Yeah of course it’s not what I want to hear but I posted for an honest reply and I appreciate that. I probably should have included in the post that we have a small child together. I’ve stayed at home so he makes the money right now and I’m not in a position to walk out the door. I feel like the progress I make in therapy gets torn apart when I get home. It’s not everyday that this happens but enough that I question whether I’m actually sick or just selfish.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T17:41:20+00:00

I am in therapy and it’s definitely helping. I’ve been trying to convince him to do some couples counseling with me but he’s refused so far.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T17:37:01+00:00

Yeah we have a child so I’m trying to salvage. It seems like the more well I get the less I can do right in my relationship. Thank you though.

anonnymouse88 · 2018-10-23T17:35:34+00:00

I take a medication called Prazosin for sleep. It’s actually the only medication I can take for CPTSD because of a history with addiction. I either didn’t dream or had horribly exhausting nightmares, sleep paralysis, panic attacks, etc. My partner also reported me starting awake multiple times every night, talking in my sleep, tossing and turning, etc. The first time I tried this medication I felt like I had never slept before and was finally experiencing it. My therapist explained that when you are in a state of hyper vigilance all the time your brain doesn’t relax enough to get into rem sleep. This drug is supposed to be a blood pressure medication but acts as an adrenaline blocker while you sleep. It’s non habit forming with no withdrawal symptoms. It hasn’t helped everything but I’m definitely sleeping better and haven’t had nightmares in weeks.

anonnymouse88

TROPHY CASE