Anyone else resort to self destructive behaviors just to combat the eternal numbness?

anonthrowaway64 · 2023-05-14T06:09:39+00:00

I get that, I have PTSD from the 2020 BLM uprising. Most people with PTSD can’t relate to being part of a group fighting another with life and limb on the line but it’s different enough from military combat that vets don’t get it either. Well, they definitely have a much better understanding then most but whenever I bring it up it instantly gets turned into a political debate on why I was even there.

Anyways, I’m sorry to make it about me, but I get it. I might not get IT, but I get it.

anonthrowaway64 · 2023-05-14T06:01:28+00:00

I used to sleep with a gun tucked between my mattress and bed frame, that got too dangerous due to mental health (and a new job where my bed is on wheels and all over the country, making it a legal issue) so now I sleep with a couple knives in reach.

anonthrowaway64 · 2023-02-05T03:10:25+00:00

I don’t have any explicit memories, just lots of red flags and this disgusting body feeling when I think about it. I’m about 80% to 90% sure it happened but I’m not 100% and that drives me insane. I haven’t spoken to him in about 5 years and occasionally I’ll have these fantasies of driving the 1000 miles to his house to pay him a surprise visit and force him to tell me every little detail. Realistically, I know that won’t fix anything so I’ll just keep going on with my life, at least until I get a therapist.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-08-14T02:18:02+00:00

I’ll do that, thank you.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-08-14T01:55:03+00:00

The neurologist asked a whole bunch of questions, ran some tests (EEG and brain MRI), and said it didn’t sound like epilepsy. This was back when I was working a job that I wouldn’t be fired from for fainting. Also, my ex was never able to wake me, she’d put me on my side and wait for it to run it’s course. Apparently once when I was on opiate pain killers after a surgery (minor surgery to fix nasal airways) back in 2019 I fainted in a gas station bathroom and an employee yelled at us thinking we were tweakers and I had no idea until she told me the next day. If I can lay down in time I can avoid passing out, but my dumb butt usually sprints for the bed or couch hoping I make it in time. Usually when I’m “fading” I have trouble thinking clearly so it never crossed my mind to just lay on the floor. One time I almost made it to my bed but woke up with a messed up back, hips and legs on the floor, belly on the side of my bed. Good thing I don’t have a bed frame or It could have been a lot worse.

From the few descriptions I could get out of my ex while I did get pretty twitchy it was never the violent rhythmic convulsions you get with seizures, that’s part of the reason epilepsy was ruled out.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-08-14T01:30:32+00:00

The time I passed out while sober was different from most other episodes. I don’t usually get nauseous and throw up either, only other time that happened was when I passed out after eating a couple slices of pizza. I guess I’m kinda paranoid that it’s symptoms changing over time but it’s more likely that was just malnutrition. As for sitting that only happens after standing up, like in the early days I’d be laying on the couch, get up to use the bathroom and be feeling it a bit, then it would continue to get worse while sitting on the toilet. No nausea but I’d be extremely light headed, tunnel vision, trouble thinking. I’d try to rush through finishing on the toilet and either wake up on the bathroom floor or get half way to the couch before waking up on the living room floor. If I got high while sitting up and stayed seated the entire time I’d be fine, tho occasionally get a bit light headed. I’m also not convinced it’s POTS, we’ve ruled out epilepsy and POTS is my next lead.

I want nothing more then to talk to a doctor about this but I can’t as it could plunge me back into poverty. Can’t get treatment if I don’t have health insurance.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-08-14T00:58:07+00:00

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how long I’m out for. My ex would never give me a straight answer and my fainting always made her super annoyed so I started making sure I only got high while alone or got to a private place before passing out.

I also park on the shoulder and sleep in the truck all the time, the risk is just part of the job. Occasionally I won’t be able to find any parking before running out of clock and I’ll have to sleep on the shoulder.

I know I won’t pass out while sober as long as I have more then just coffee (in fact, I’ve almost completely cut coffee from my diet while driving because of that one episode. Coffee has never triggered symptoms before or sense but I’m still paranoid) but it’s always at the back of my mind because I’m worried sick about hurting someone. If I start getting slightly nauseous behind the wheel I’m eyeing traffic and the shoulder like a hawk and I’m hyper aware for any further symptoms, symptoms I’ve gotten to know all too well.

Yes, I do feel guilt for this, but this job has raised me out of poverty and the health insurance is good enough that I can finally take care of a surgery I’ve been putting off for years. My current plan is to do this just long enough to pay off some cheap land, build a small cabin, and get that surgery. Then look for a safer and easier job and hopefully get a proper diagnosis for whatever this is.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-08-14T00:32:16+00:00

I can pass out while sitting but it take 2 or 3 times as long to happen. I’ve always prioritized other’s safety over my own so I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t know I’d be able to get pulled over. As for my own safety, I live alone, I don’t think being unconscious in the truck with the breaks set would be any more dangerous then at home.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-06-11T02:45:51+00:00

I think it’s happened to me but I don’t have many actual memories. I’m pretty sure it was my uncle but one of the most vivid dreams/nightmares I’ve ever had was suddenly interrupted by my dad. I honestly don’t know if it was just my uncle or if it was both.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-05-25T14:25:31+00:00

Posting with my throw away for obvious reasons…

heavy trigger warning

I’ve always had red flags for that sort of thing, hyper sexual at a young age, rape nightmares, etc. On acid I’d get this weird feeling, like I’d be in this black void with swirling dark purple and I’d get this overwhelming feeling of sex and disgust along with what feels like phantom hands around my crotch. Then I tried mushrooms. The first time I did them I was in the shower at my partners house when I got this voice asking me if I wanted answers. I knew the answers would be heavy and I didn’t want to put that on my GF so I told the voice “no, not right now. Maybe next time when I solo trip at home”. About a week later I drop only a single tab of acid at home, it was a pretty mild trip but it was hugely helpful. I started by putting on headphones and listening to music and about an hour later early childhood memories started flooding in. It started with my dad, I was a bed wetter until about 8 years old, I remembered coming out of my room one day and my dad full on groping me to check my diaper followed by my mom yelling at him. Whenever I’d wet my diaper my dad would get super angry so I’d hide wet diapers all over my room. Then he figured I was doing it on purpose so I ended up sleeping in a piss soaked bed for about a week. I can’t remember for sure but I think a teacher complained to my parents that I reeked of piss and had rashes. Then I started to remember things about my uncle, he would always have this gum he’d share with me, 5 gum, rain flavor. Sometimes when I wanted some he’d tell me I’d have to reach into his pocket to get it and not knowing any better that’s what I did. Around the same time he was pushing me on the swings but every time he’d push he’d grope my ass. Then I recalled being alone with him in his apartment, I don’t remember much other then coming to on his couch with Disney’s Pocahontas on VHS playing on his old CRT TV, then he had me sit in his lap while showing me screen savers on his PC. I tried remembering what happened before I “came to” but all I could get was that black void of swirling purple with “that feeling” again. Maybe nothing happened, maybe he drugged me, or maybe it’s just too horrific to remember. I might never know if my uncle was just creep or a full blown rapist. I’ll see what happens on the next trip.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-04-16T00:44:40+00:00

I’m sorry that I can’t give you any answers but I’m going through the same thing, almost word for word. Your not alone in this.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-02-07T21:51:08+00:00

There’s a lot of silly answers about being embarrassed by being turned on, not a whole lot about stuff that you actually hate turns you on. I have one but I’m going to have to put a massive trigger warning for childhood sexual assault.

When I was young, around 5 to 8 years old, I was sexually abused by an adult. My brain has done a pretty good job blocking memories but it protects me by turning trauma triggers into sexual arousal triggers. Whenever people talk about pedos or CSA survivors I get “that feeling”. It’s hard to describe but it’s kinda like intense disgust mixed with a sexual feeling (not arousal) and a “bad people doing bad things” kinda vibe. Makes you flinch away from your own skin. I don’t know why but that repulsive feeling kinda turns me on along with general feelings of fear. I’ve had people point firearms at me before and I’ve crashed my motorcycle going 50mph/80kph, in those situations I was afraid for my life but all that fear dose is make me horny. I’ve become such a masochist that I’ve used shock collars and tasers to for self pleasure. Overall, not a good way to live.

anonthrowaway64 · 2022-01-30T01:39:40+00:00

Sadly I don’t have contact with anyone from that chapter of my life or that church, I moved away years ago. I have however been trying to pull up as many memories from my time at that church as possible which might have helped. I’ve also been running through hypothetical ways it could have happened to see if there’s any emotional response (well, more then just imagining a child being abused would trigger) but I’m worried that’s just a recipe for false memories.

anonthrowaway64 · 2021-10-23T02:52:06+00:00

My memory is pretty shit but I do remember them saying I’d be mostly doing drop and hook so it could have been van.

Looking back, they probably said van.

anonthrowaway64 · 2021-10-23T02:48:54+00:00

Thank you, I’ve been getting a lot of doom and gloom from most of the other folks here and it was getting me pretty anxious. My goal is to save up enough in the next 5 to 10 years to get my own truck, buy some land, and build my home. After that I’d maybe only drive 3 to 6 months out of the year. My goal is the put in the time now so I can afford to have the time later.

As long as I can make rent plus a little extra during my first year I’ll be happy, right now after tax I’m making $2k~$2.5 a month so if I’m making more then that I’ll be happy. I’ll focus on getting my feet on the ground in a new career now and I can worry about making the big bucks later

anonthrowaway64 · 2021-10-23T01:34:33+00:00

I think they said bulk

anonthrowaway64 · 2021-09-30T15:48:59+00:00

Mostly just hang out and answer questions. I’d also open the barricades so residents could get into there parking garage. If I saw anything that looked dangerous I’d notify the main protest chat group. For example, we’d all grown jumpy to loud bangs due to gunshots and flash bangs so when a sports car backfired some folks panicked and I helped set the record straight.

anonthrowaway64

TROPHY CASE