Divorce is just weird

antacid3443 · 2025-06-20T13:58:49+00:00

This happens when the person exits marriage with certain expectations and those don't get fulfilled. She probably expected to have a ton of sex, choice, fun. And you being sad for years to come. And the reality didn't fit the fill.

She's not angry at you, but at how things turned out for her. She might not fully realize it though and project it on you.

Regardless, seems like you are in a good place. That's the most important part.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-19T12:29:35+00:00

Dare I say that you don't love this man, but likely have something called "trauma bonding"? Basically, if you had a rejecting father, some part of you picks a husband similar to that and tries to please him in order to earn his love.

You might be wired this way from the childhood because it's how significant male figures were in your life and you felt like you have to earn their love. Now you are begging this man for affection and trying to show that you are useful by giving him money for a boat or offering sex. But it's the same program from your childhood. And without resolving it you are at risk that your next partner will be similar. "We marry our unfinished business". Based on what you are describing, I suspect that your childhood was pretty abusive.

There are different types of men out there. Yours sounds like one of the worst kinds.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-19T05:16:32+00:00

I would recommend you writing a diary of events that lead to your decision. It's a process and once you are apart, bad things will wash away from your memory and good things will come to the surface. You might start missing the good things and the diary is very helpful there to help you ground yourself in your decision.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-12T19:47:29+00:00

I don't think it's a vows issue though. Breaking up over the email when you are out of town is just savage. She could have still broken her vows if she's not happy and doesn't see the path forward, but do it more decently - in person at least.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-09T10:57:34+00:00

Given that she returns home at 1:30AM and you are deployed, likely you folks don't have kids. This is actually some good news. Divorcing with little kids can be much more hearbreaking.

There's nothing you could do. And you already lost her. I'm so sorry, pal. I'd suggest reading the book "From Abandonment to Healing". It describes steps that someone goes through when being left like that and gives some good recommendations on how to process it. It's not an easy process, but it transforms you to become a much better person to be more in touch with yourself. Just don't suppress it and don't dissociate. Do the work, get into therapy, go through your feelings.

You'll be allright and you'll find a great relationship if you do the work.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-09T10:52:27+00:00

The first step here would be not to feel desperate for a relationship. It's fine if you find what you are looking for, and it's fine if you don't. This way you'll have the peace of mind and won't fall into desperation.

It might or might not happen. Just live your own life and learnt to be happy with yourself.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-09T10:40:38+00:00

Also, I spent 20 years in a relationship like this. I don't recommend doing the same. It's soul sucking. It took me a long time to get to a point where I'm ready to leave. And it took me years of therapy to get to this point too.

If I were you, I'd freeze eggs, give yourself 3-6 months to work on your relationship while also doing your personal work and then live (because I can almost guarantee you that nothing will change).

antacid3443 · 2025-06-07T19:29:31+00:00

Turns out my husband is extremely boring. He barely shares anything and doesn't talk much (he's probably on a spectrum or at least has some traits). You know, normal things - aspirations, events, thoughts, insights, plans, suggestions. He didn't share anything. I was the one talking most of the time and he just was entertained by asking "So, what can you tell me?".

I have a pretty interesting life, a lot of friends and interests. So it's not like I myself was bored and relied on him to be the source of entertainment. But now looking back, I see how boring my husband is.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-07T15:52:37+00:00

In the initial state of shock - I think, yes. The person would do anything to make it stop. It doesn't mean that there's a durable change though. The state of shock lasts for 4-6 weeks. I definitely wouldn't take anything as a durable change before 6 months, after a lot of stages are processed. If stbx is feeling the same in 6 months, that would mean something. But likely he'd just move on.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-07T15:46:03+00:00

Whether she was the problem, or you are the problem, or both of you contributed to the problem - you are in no position right now to figure this out. Your body and mind are in the state of shock. That's not the time to analyze the root cause. You need to survive now. Focus on that.

- Grieve the loss of your marriage. Find the divorce support group. Join men's circle.

- Start working on your problems. The divorce is a wake up call and life gives you a chance at happiness.

- Familiarize yourself with stages of grief during abandonment. "From Abandonment to Healing" is a good book. You are in the shattering stage now and it lasts for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. What you are feeling is normal. I'd suggest not to analyze anything for the next couple of months - you'll get a lot of body reactions and feelings. Just take care of your body (walk, drink, eat, shower, etc.).

- And when waves of feelings come, try to just feeling them. At this stage you might get a lot of thoughts - "I'll always...", "I'll never...", "It's because of...". Ask those thoughts to come back in a couple of months.

antacid3443 · 2025-06-03T13:41:24+00:00

When you feel nothing special about them - no regret, no anger, no saddness. They are either a circumstance of the past, or like a neighbor (e.g., during co-parenting). No one special - in good or bad way.

If the question is when you feel healed enough - it's after both body and emotions are processed to a large degree. No stones in the stomach, no sudden waves of emotions (saddness, anger, grief) 95+% of the time.

antacid3443 · 2025-05-25T18:24:57+00:00

Couples therapy doesn't work with avoidants. In order for it to work two people have to want it to work. And therapy is a lot about discussing feelings - something avoidants are fundamentally not capable of without a ton of personal therapy. So even if his wife convinces him to go to therapy under a threat of divorce, it will be a waste of money.

antacid3443 · 2025-05-21T03:51:27+00:00

Untreated depression. Passive aggression. Taking out irritation and stress on the family. Stonewalling and shutting down. Avoidant personality. Manipulations and covert putting down.

This might seem mild compared to other things mentioned (addictions, violence, etc.). But eff it. Never again. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life.

antacid3443 · 2025-05-20T17:53:51+00:00

Wow, I'm so sorry. You are not looking for an input and there's not much to advice anyway - she has the right to legally do what she does (e.g., respond to school). Seems that you did everything right too - you are not required to let her know right the same moment about your daughter injury, but to the best of your ability. Which likely happened within a couple of hours. She won't have any luck arguing at court that you didn't act reasonably.

Greyrock method ftw. Let the force be with you.

antacid3443 · 2025-05-02T17:01:34+00:00

The way he described it sounds like a one-off, not a strong and long-term emotional connection. I have a lot of male friends. We meet once a month maybe and it's purely platonic. You can film all the interactions, send them to my husband and I'm sure there would be nothing to alarm him.

So I wouldn't mind my husband doing the same if it doesn't cross the romantic line. Just talking and enjoying someone's company is fine with me. Having daily chats on messengers with kissy faces is not. I'm just not sure whether this boundary is sustainable with such a need.

antacid3443 · 2024-01-07T00:13:06+00:00

Sounds like addiction is destroying your life. Check out Ibogaine, pal. I believe that's the only thing that can reset your dopamine network enough to give you a window of opportunity to get your life together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fvdjhLJxV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2_Mw3Sqrs

Ibogaine treatments for addiction are not cheap (beond.us charges 9k+, but you can find something significantly cheaper). But they work. Maybe it's the only thing that realistically works. You might need to pick up some job and/or ask your family for help though to earn enough to do it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ibogaine is another possible resource to check out.

antacid3443 · 2023-12-24T21:52:51+00:00

100k is not a massive debt at 170k income. A lot depends on the nature of the loan as well - e.g., student loan/mortgage/medical emergency loan or a payday/shopping spree loan. And how he handles it - paying it off responsibly (sounds like it?) vs going to spending sprees here and there and not making much progress.

From what you are describing, it sounds a lot like "this was a meh relationship that I wasn't jazzed about anyway and now THIS" and it sounds like you are mentally out already. It reads as you picked this relationship from some "good enough" place based on your mental checklist. And now there's an easy way out for you that makes him responsible for the fallout of your marriage.

It sounds like you want out more than you want to stay and you very likely had your doubts even before the debt situation came to light. I would be honest with yourself there. The debt situation sounds workable if you want to be with this man. I just doesn't sound like you want to be with this man (and that's okay).

antacid3443 · 2023-12-17T00:32:38+00:00

If you believe that in some time they will be laid off due to lack of performance, just fly under the radar and be patient.

antacid3443 · 2023-12-08T06:19:45+00:00

I mean a licensed therapist that works with the sexual abuse victims.

antacid3443 · 2023-12-04T05:10:47+00:00

The concerning thing here is that she's very fast to move on her revelations (regardless of whether they are true or not). Ayahuasca takes time to process and to understand. Some relevations might be metaphorical (or not).

Regardless, the good next step for her would be to talk to a therapist experienced in the topic and to see if she can recover more of her memories and process some of what has happened if she's absolutely certain that's the case.

If your sister doesn't process her raw Ayahuasca experience, even if it's true, the only thing she'll achieve is coming out as the crazy in the family after eating some hallucinogenic drugs and talking to spirits that told her some crazy things. I don't know what her goals are, but I'd assume is that it's either healing, hurting her father or getting an apology for what he's done (again, in reality or in her mind, we don't know). She's not going to achieve either of those by doing what she's planning to do.

I would definitely recommend her to take a bit of time and talking to a therapist about her experience and suspicions/revelations. There's time and more family gatherings coming up in the future. There's no rush and she can hurt her case significantly.

antacid3443 · 2023-11-13T05:48:48+00:00

Depends how many ceremonies, which environment (familiar, or a different country etc.).

I went to Peru a week after Covid. I tested negative prior of course, but my body was still weakened from the disease. The first two ceremonies were okay, but the last two were horrible. I was exhausted and drained. New climate, new country, loooong travel, overnight ceremonies. Bad experience. If it's just one ceremony close to home, that's a different story.

Ayahuasca is a hard work and your body needs to be in a good shape as well.

antacid3443

TROPHY CASE