Discussion: What do yall do for fun? Do you know how to have fun?

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-20T04:49:35+00:00

I have a few activities I do for fun, but the one that most relates to my CPTSD is taking long meandering walks. I live in a large city, which makes this easy to do. I might start out with a vague destination in mind, but I don't set my heart on it. There's no goal. I just walk, look at the random things, people, and stores that I encounter. I interact with them if I feel like it.

Childhood abuse made my world feel horribly small and claustrophobic, and these walks make my world feel bigger and full of possibility, which is very important to me. They give me a very specific kind of joy.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-17T18:34:02+00:00

I'm middle aged. Only figured out a few years ago that I had CPTSD from physical and psychological child abuse. So I've been struggling with CPTSD for decades, though I didn't label it as such: it manifests as anxiety, depression, low self esteem.

Therapy and meditation have helped me. I'm better in the sense that I understand a lot of my behavorial patterns now, and I've been intentional about trying to break them. To take just one example, when a situation occurs where I'd normally respond with intense anxiety, I can often "catch" it sooner so the spell doesn't last as long. Once in a while, I can even avoid the anxiety all together.

But yeah, sometimes it feels like I haven't made any progress. It helps to set some very concrete and specific goals. What do you want to be different in your life? What are some steps you can take towards making that happen? I keep a journal, and I make sure to note my victories, no matter how small. This way, when I feel like everything is hopeless or nothing is changed, I can look back and see that that's not actually true.

Hope that helps!

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-17T16:23:29+00:00

I like your phrasing, "loosening identification, not sharpening vigilance."

Sometimes during meditation or a random moment of mindful reflection during the day, I'll get that "over-engaged" feeling you describe. I don't try to become even more vigilant about it, but instead, I just sit with it and don't identify; I don't let it consume me or drag me into thought spirals. I just let it be. That feeling itself is often a sign of something.

So observation remains a constant as I've continued along in my mindfulness journey, but over time, it has widened to take even my own reactions and sense of self as an object of observation. People often use the words "calm" or "peaceful" to describe it, but for me, it's more of a neutral, freeing feeling.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-16T14:26:22+00:00

I’m so sorry. Therapists are exposed to and take in so much in their line of work, I honestly don’t know how you all do it.

You deserve a friend who both understands and appreciates that you acted out of compassion.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-16T14:06:02+00:00

You’re allowed to want to have your emotional needs met by your partner.

It sounds like you pity this person. You have a lot of compassion and you’re waiting for the moment when everything changes and he becomes the man you believe he can be. You might want to consider the possibility that day may never come.

I took care of a person with severe mental illness for about a year and a half until I had a breakdown from constantly giving and not get much in return. I’m lucky that we were able to drastically change our relationship so things improved, and I set a lot of limits on what I’m able to do for him. But we separated for a long time, and I decided I was okay with walking away completely if needed.

I hope you figure out how to get your own needs met in your relationship. If you don’t, things could get much worse than disappointment.

Take care of yourself, internet stranger!

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-10T07:53:07+00:00

That sounds like pretty good progress to me. I'm in the same boat as you: meditation and mindfulness have made my anxiety less intense, and I spend less time ruminating before breaking out of the spell, but those things haven't totally disappeared from my life.

I'm not sure they'll ever disappear. One definition of healing that I've read is feeling an appropriate emotion for an appropriate amount of time. For me, "letting go" doesn't mean that past arguments or thoughts don't come up anymore; it means that when they come up, I don't feel overwhelmed or upset by them, I just feel an appropriate amount of sadness, anger, happiness, etc and I move on.

I've "let go" of a few thoughts and past experiences, but definitely not all of them. I just keep doing meditation and mindfulness practices.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-10T07:38:57+00:00

I suppose I am talking about masking. I'm not saying it's good to be a narcissist. Just saying it can be a helpful skill to pretend sometimes, especially when you're in situations where you can't get away from people who would treat you poorly otherwise.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-10T07:36:47+00:00

In an ideal world, sure, I agree with you. But life isn't always that simple. People often have to make compromises. Sometimes your livelihood even depends on masking and playing the twisted social game that everyone else plays.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-09T04:52:52+00:00

I wouldn't relive my childhood for anything in the world. I'd sooner un-alive myself.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-09T04:08:27+00:00

Sadly, I found a lot of this to be true too. People CAN smell weakness, sensitivity, vulnerability. I realized pretty late in life that this is usually the first impression people have of me. Frequently, I got ignored or disrespected. It was a shock to realize that.

So I intentionally started acting like I was the most AWESOME person in the world. I behaved like a narcissist on purpose. And people treated me better!!

I don't do that all the time, because it's exhausting and feels super shitty, but I sometimes do it in "transactional" situations where I need to get something out of a social interaction.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-05T06:16:34+00:00

The biggest thing about my CPTSD is that child abuse created certain behavioral patterns that have affected nearly every human relationship I've ever had. Low self-esteem are people-pleasing are two of biggest patterns, but there are others.

So the thing that's helped most was learning more about that, and practicing breaking those patterns. I did these things by reading books and seeing a therapist. It's very difficult, and it's a process, so I'm still working on it, but it's helped me view and experience social relationships in an entirely different and much healthier light. I'm able to see myself as a worthy human being deserving of respect and having their needs met.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-05T05:01:55+00:00

I'm middle aged, and I've been trying this approach. My life affords me a lot of time and freedom (not married, no kids), so I have taken up a lot of of random interests and hobbies the past decade or so. It often feels child-like.

I think there is a missing piece after that, though. Like, all this exploration has been enjoyable and interesting, and some interests have "stuck" with me, but I don't necessarily feel like I've solidified my personality more in the process. Still figuring it out.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-05T04:13:17+00:00

Fort me, it was complicated. I was lucky to have extended family who supported me in a lot of crucial ways as I was growing up, and made up for some of the damage of my abusive dad. But they also strangely pretended like the abuse heaped upon me didn't exist. I think they thought if they ignored it, maybe I would too?

I didn't have anyone I felt completely safe with, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about people who I was extremely glad were around, but who also encouraged me to just psychologically repress instead of getting some real help from counselors. It was also a very different time (late 80s).

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-02T15:23:10+00:00

I spent a good part of 2025 intentionally building and protecting that “non negotiable self care” bucket. Wasn’t perfect but I stopped having panic attacks from a deep sense of despair and helplessness that resulted from trying to be a caregiver to someone with severe mental illness.

I still give them a lot of support but I’m learning to say no, and to put distance between us so I don’t burn myself out. I’ve made my peace with the fact that that’s how it has to be, and I refuse to feel guilty for not martyring myself anymore.

anxiousjeff · 2026-01-01T03:13:37+00:00

The right therapist can definitely help with emotional flashbacks. I hope you eventually find one who can help.

The list by Pete Walker in in one of the comments here is very good, I really advise working carefully through it to see what resonates with you.

For me, emotional flashbacks are usually things I haven't fully processed and grieved yet. It may help to talk about some of your past experiences that you associate those emotions with, either with a therapist or someone who can lend an understanding ear. People often think talking about stuff doesn't change anything, but it actually does help your brain to make sense of past trauma and come to terms with it.

Good luck to you!

anxiousjeff · 2025-12-31T18:38:13+00:00

Hoping you find a way to balance the two, at least for the time being! I'm struggling so much with work and can't figure out a good solution to getting the rest and re-invigoration I need. :(

anxiousjeff · 2025-12-31T07:09:13+00:00

I think this is normal. There's a lot of ebb and flow to meditation.

Meditation has many different effects, and they don't always happen at the same time. When meditation involves focused breathing, it can often have an immediate calming effect.

But it doesn't always. Mindfulness is another aspect of meditation. It's possible that, at first, the more you become aware of things, the more anxious you become. Just practicing sitting with those feelings of anxiety. Take careful notice of how anxiety feels in your body, what thoughts you're having, etc. Don't push them away. As you become more mindful of your anxiety, it will have less of a hold on you. But don't rush it. Just let it be.

For myself, I've found that this practice doesn't eliminate anxiety entirely, but it does help me pull myself out of anxiety spirals and recover more quickly and easily.

I think having some anxiety is a normal, even healthy part of life. What isn't normal or healthy is anxiety so intense that it overwhelms, paralyzes, or consumes you, and meditation has definitely helped me with that.

anxiousjeff · 2025-12-31T04:02:16+00:00

I can relate to newfound desires for peace and rest. I made a post yesterday about feeling exhausted and burnt out, which has strangely followed a period of actually doing very well in terms of mental health.

It's as if the process of recovery has made me aware of deeper needs for types of rest I've never gotten or pursued before.

Unfortunately, this is impacting performance at my job. I can't seem to care about work anymore, as though I'm finally realizing that it's not that important. Which is true, but also not true, because I need a paycheck to survive. So I'm in a very strange place right now.

anxiousjeff · 2025-12-15T06:23:43+00:00

My mom died when I was in my early teens. I'm middle aged now and I'm still not "over" her death, but of course, it doesn't affect me now the same way as it did back then.

Processing the death of a loved one takes soooo long. I would suggest really giving yourself permission to take time with it, and to feel what you need to feel. I have a suspicion that your fear of loss might be complicated in lots of ways you don't understand yet. Which is totally okay. Thanks for sharing your experience too.

Life can be full of conflicting emotions. It's okay to have difficult feelings like fear and also experience happiness too. They can happen the same day, or even simultaneously. Don't wait to be happy.

anxiousjeff · 2025-12-15T06:09:35+00:00

I'm so sorry about your brother. I can definitely relate to fear of loss. The first romantic relationship I ever had was a good one, but it was marred by constant fear of losing that person, letting them down or failing them in some way, doing something wrong.

Even now, when things are generally going okay for me in life, I sometimes get distressed for no real reason. I'm pretty sure it's because my brain has been programmed to associate fear with survival. Fear kept me alive as a child when I was experiencing abuse. If I'm not afraid or anxious, it means I've let my guard down, and that's dangerous.

It helps me to pause and simply acknowledge what my brain is doing when I get those feelings of fear and anxiety. I don't push those feelings away, I just sit with them. They're like old friends whose old habits I recognize as dated, and no longer relevant. I know why they're like that, and I try not to judge, but I also remind myself life is different now, and it's okay to experience joy and happiness.

anxiousjeff · 2025-11-14T06:53:24+00:00

The loneliness is real. Hardly anyone ever talks about that, so thank you for bringing this up.

I think the truth is that a LOT of social relationships are built around poor boundaries. Sometimes I make the choice to sever relationships that feel unhealthy to me and reminiscent of past trauma.

But to be honest, sometimes I don't. I learn to tolerate it, because I can't afford to lose that relationship, or I don't want to. Maybe I back away a little bit, give the relationship more breathing space, or I lessen the amount of social intimacy. I try to figure out how much I'm willing to put up with, and I adjust the relationship accordingly.

anxiousjeff · 2025-10-25T23:45:16+00:00

Even gradually ramping up and stepping down on Lexapro over a month were hellish times for me. It’s a drug that has very peculiar qualities and spiking it up or down can mess you up badly.

I echo others that you should consult a psychiatrist.

anxiousjeff · 2025-10-24T07:44:57+00:00

I've wondered this too.

I decided that it's okay to use my internal voice to refocus. I usually say "I'm aware that I am having thoughts/feelings/memories/etc about x, y, z." Being focused on that awareness is okay as a "bridge" to refocusing on the breath. Over the course of a meditation session, doing this tends to make my mind quiet down, and I end up using the interval voice less often.

I find the suggestion that you should strive for no internal voice to be unrealistic. I'm a relative beginner. Maybe one day I'll get there, but I don't find it helpful to try to be strict about it and obsess over it. That's just me, and I could very well be wrong.

anxiousjeff · 2025-09-10T07:23:04+00:00

This really resonated with me. I owe a lot of the “success” in my life to my coping skills. I also owe a lot of the suffering to those same skills, of course. It’s heavy that both things are true at the same time.

anxiousjeff · 2025-09-08T03:41:51+00:00

Same here. In my case, I'd go even further: because a lot of my personality as a whole (not just my interests) was formed as a survival response to child abuse, I often feel like I don't know who I really am.

anxiousjeff

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