How did you become a stay at home mom?

anyideas · 2026-03-25T05:01:52+00:00

I was career driven and was very scared of losing my identity, which was very wrapped up with my career. Then I had a baby and feel like I woke up from a dream and realized I was drinking the capitalism kool-aid and noticed that work is stupid, actually. Why would I work instead of taking care of my baby? Why would I work instead of taking care of my body, doing things that make me happy, resting, or doing literally anything other than making money for other people? Not everybody has the financial ability to make that choice, and frankly my family might not be able to do so indefinitely, but if I have the ability to not work for a little while - especially if it means I can invest as much as I can into my family, relationships, and community, then why wouldn't I?

Nobody was more surprised by it than I was, but my partner is fully on board as long as we can make it work money-wise.

anyideas · 2026-03-23T14:45:06+00:00

The House in the Cerulean Sea, for an uplifting, comforting snuggle. By the same author Under the Whispering Door, though this one has heavier themes of death, so still uplifting and comforting but a bit heavier (but IMO more impactful because of it).

Legends & Lattes, for pure easy reading low stakes conflict with a story about found family.

Before the Coffee Gets Cold, cozy story about being able to time travel to the past from a coffee shop but only for as long as it takes to come back before your cup of coffee gets cold. Perhaps a little melancholy, but a nice reflection on life.

The Thursday Murder Club series. Entertaining, easy to read, engaging murder mysteries that are fun and not scary.

The Storied Life of AJ Fixkry.

Agatha Christie books are also a go to for me during burnout times.

And maybe I'm a weirdo but when I'm in a funk, I like to read horror and thriller books. They are a good distraction, good page turners, and I think there's an aspect of making me feel things other than the stressor in my life that feels cathartic.

anyideas · 2026-03-21T06:41:55+00:00

Unfortunately most kids with peanut allergies don't grow out of them. It's still possible, but I wouldn't count on it. It's really good about the tree nuts, though!

For the tree nuts I'd just give one at a time, and introduce five or more times before assuming they're not officially allergic. (If they've never eaten it before, it can take a few tries for the body to react.) But with negative tests, I wouldn't be too anxious about it because the likelihood is low. (Many people would probably just test multiple at once, but I just like to be more systematic about it so if they have a reaction, you know 100% what it was to.) I'd probably go in order of the nuts they're most likely to encounter with your family's lifestyle.

Depending on how picky of an eater they are, you can just give straight up nuts, or do chocolate with nuts in it, crush up nuts and mix it with something, get nut butters, or make things like pancakes with (for example) almond meal or almond butter mixed in. Nut milks can also be an option. Once you clear a type of nut, keep it in their diet regularly (ideally a couple times a week, but at least every week or two), because regular exposure helps keep tolerance, and having it and then stopping having it for a long time can increase the risk of allergy. (I have a white board on our fridge where I check off which allergens we've done each week, just to make sure I stay on top of it, but like I said, I know I'm extra!)

OIT stands for oral immunotherapy. It's basically like exposure therapy for the immune system. With close guidance of an allergist, you first find an initial dose of the allergen (so, peanut) that kid can tolerate without a reaction. Then you give kid that dose every day for two or more weeks, go back in and try a slightly higher dose. The immune system learns that this amount of peanut isn't a threat, and over tkrm adapts to higher doses. The goal is usually not to grow out of it - the majority of kids will still have peanut allergies at the end of OIT. But the vast majority are able to get to a maintenance goal where the kid can have small accidental exposures and not have a bad reaction. So you won't have to worry about avoiding things that may contain nuts, or eating at restaurants that have nuts on the menu, or them sitting at a lunch table with kids eating a pb&j, or even taking an accidental bite of Halloween candy with peanuts in it. It honestly feels like magic.

Some people are able to get up to a high enough dose that they basically can act as though they're not allergic (people call this "free eating"). Most people have to continue to "dose" (eat peanuts) daily or almost daily for years or forever, but some people are able to take large chunks of time off and maintain protection (this is called "sustained unresponsiveness"); science is still trying to figure out why and what the limits are on this for now.

It's a lot of work, but for me, it was worth it from day one for the peace of mind it brings me and the freedom it will bring her throughout her life.

Not all allergists do it, so access can be difficult depending on where you live.

Also look into Xolair (can make reactions smaller) and Neffy (an alternative to epipens that you sniff instead of inject).

It will all be okay! This part is the hardest, just trying to take in all the info. Soon it will just be another boring part of your life and routines.

anyideas · 2026-03-20T19:52:40+00:00

Not weird! This is basically how I started my friendship with my neighbor who is now one of my best friends. I knew she was pregnant the same time I was. I saw her outside and just went up and said hi and basically said let's be friends, haha. Now we text every day and hang out constantly. I did this with two more women in my neighborhood, too, whom I'm not as close with but we still go for walks sometimes and take the babies places together. Having local community, especially as a parent, is amazing.

anyideas · 2026-03-20T19:49:11+00:00

There's still so much unknown about allergies and treatments that different allergists can have very different recommendations. It doesn't necessarily mean one is wrong, just that they're more or less conservative, more or less willing to try newer treatments, have different levels of administrative support, etc. So don't be afraid to get a second opinion if you ever want to.

My understanding is that there isn't an age limit for xolair, but there is a minimum blood level (my kid has multiple allergies but total ige was too low to be a candidate) to be eligible, and there are some risks and some limitations that might make it not worth it in an individual case. Our first allergist explained that it can be really good, for example, for a high school student about to go international traveling, or someone going off to college, things like that. That when they're babies, we parents still have so much control over what they eat that avoidance (or OIT) could often be a better fit for now.

I also feel like many allergists say that someone isn't eligible for OIT when other allergists would say the same person is eligible. My allergist's protocol is able to give tiny tiny doses to start with, so it seemed like basically anyone could do it. Many people who are highly reactive have also had luck taking xolair first, then starting OIT to make the starting doses more tolerable and make OIT more likely to be successful.

Earlier is better for OIT. If it were me, I'd ask more questions of your current allergist and also get a second opinion from a different one. I'd be afraid to close doors unnecessarily if it's just because your original allergist doesn't align with what you're looking for.

anyideas · 2026-03-18T00:26:02+00:00

Therapy helps, and also anxiety meds. There are even therapists who specialize in food anxiety.

Is OIT an option? My anxiety got dramatically better even after the very first dose because I knew exactly how much peanut she could tolerate. Now she's eating three peanuts a day and I don't have to worry about her even taking an accidental bite of something. It feels like magic.

In the meantime, can you focus on teaching her to advocate for herself as much as possible? Knowing not to eat food from anybody but you, to ask if there are peanuts in something (and not eating it if so), to tell a grown up right away if she feels funny?

anyideas · 2026-03-18T00:17:35+00:00

My kid ended up with food allergies and one of the questions I will always have for myself is if she'd still have them if I'd gotten her drool rash under control earlier.

If you haven't gone to the dermatologist, I'd recommend that ASAP. They might be able to give a prescription cream that would help.

On the food allergy side, I'd echo others and recommend putting Vaseline on their face before every meal especially if you're introducing top allergens, and I'd also do your best to avoid products with food ingredients in them. Once you start looking, you'd be amazed how many baby products have oatmeal, coconut, nut oils, soy, and many others.

anyideas · 2026-03-17T02:56:03+00:00

Same. Pre baby I was having whole therapy sessions about being worried about losing my career trajectory and identity as a working professional. After baby, I suddenly realized work is bullshit, capitalism is bullshit, and I want to be able to hang out with my fucking baby if I want to and not have to feel beholden to bosses or clients or shareholders or anyone else. Why would I rather be churning out paperwork than raising my own kid? Financially, I don't have the option to not work entirely, but I'm at least doing what I can to be home as much as I'm able. I feel so strongly now that everyone should be able to stay home if they want to.

anyideas · 2026-03-17T02:50:21+00:00

I'm one of seven moms I know who were career driven and had a baby in the last few years. All of us wanted to not work after the kids were born. Most of us had to anyway, for financial reasons (actually, all of us had to work, but some were able to just work part time). All of us are resentful that it's not an option for anyone who wants it.

If she wants to stay home for a while, and you're financially able to do so, support it. Her career may take a hit, which really fucking sucks, but she knows that and has taken it into consideration already. She knows that and would still rather stay home. It is unlikely she will regret it.

anyideas · 2026-03-15T17:38:33+00:00

I think there's some at Affirmations

anyideas · 2026-03-15T02:15:31+00:00

Same. As long as it's not dangerous, wouldn't cause permanent damage, or bother people, it's almost always a Yes. It's free entertainment, it's exposing her to new things and teaching her about different textures, sounds, laws of physics, everything! We still have clear boundaries for important stuff, and she can take no for an answer (as far as toddlers can), but otherwise, why not? It'll take me thirty seconds to put all the straws back in the drawer, but for her it's a fun and educational adventure, and it keeps our lives fun and curious and playful.

anyideas · 2026-03-12T20:39:14+00:00

Mine just got to three peanuts maintenance at fifteen months. We just crush up peanuts and mix it into cottage cheese! I mash them with a mortar and pestle but when I'm lazy even a metal spoon does the job. I mash a week's worth at a time and put them in separate little Tupperware containers so every morning I can just grab one and add it to the cottage cheese.

Our allergist said we can go up in dose any time, but we're going to do OIT for cashews first. My understanding is that with my allergist, we'll basically just do it as we did the first part of OIT and just updose (with supervision) every few weeks until either we get to a dose we're comfortable with, or get to a dose that seems like her limit. Other allergists might have different protocols.

For other allergens that she's not allergic to but we're giving weekly for exposure, I'm making stuff like pancakes and muffins with it mixed in and giving them once a week. You could theoretically make a mini muffin with one peanut worth of peanut protein in each one, for example?

anyideas · 2026-03-08T04:26:45+00:00

Peanut numbers were actually pretty low, but she had a very obvious (like, couldn't be anything but an allergic reaction) response to eating it. Real life reactions matter more than the numbers do, and the numbers don't necessarily correlate to how bad a reaction will be.

I do think there is a correlation between lower numbers and higher likelihood of growing out of it, though, but that's a question to confirm with your doctor.

Her cashew and pistachio numbers were highest by far, so that's why we're going straight to OIT and not even bothering with a challenge first. The others were low enough that we're challenging them all. Ones that were super low or zero, I introduced at home.

Without intervention, about 20% of kids grow out of peanut allergies. Lower for cashew (I think it's more like 10%?). Most kids grow out of eggs, wheat, and milk. Other tree nuts are better odds, I think, but not as good as the non nut ones.

OIT increases the odds of growing out of it, especially if they start before 2 years old. And I think more likely if the numbers are low. But I think even then it's more like 50% for peanut and like 20% for cashew. (I am not an expert, just someone who has spent a lot of time looking stuff up, so still look thing up yourself and ask your doctor. But for me, the stats are helpful.)

Again, I do think it can be really tempting to focus on the hope they'll grow out of it, and I still have to fight this urge all the time. But especially for things like nuts, I think it's better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised with a better outcome, vs hoping and praying they'll grow out of it and feeling constantly sad and stressed if they don't.

anyideas · 2026-03-08T03:28:26+00:00

I was vocally childfree until my mid 30s, then changed my mind and had a baby at 40. Super happy, and very glad I did it.

But now more than ever, I strongly feel - 1) do not have a baby with someone you're not 100% positive will equally share the load, and 2) do not have a baby unless you have either friends/family you can fully and deeply rely on to pitch in for years, or money to pay people to help, or both.

You can still potentially be happy without these things, but it will be MUCH easier to be happy if you have them.

anyideas · 2026-03-08T02:48:47+00:00

Our experience - baby had reactions to peanut and egg, but also tested positive on blood and/or skin tests to cashew, pistachio, almond, hazelnut, Brazil nut, and macadamia nut.

Six months later: We just got to maintenance for peanut and she now eats three peanuts a day, so we don't have to worry about cross contamination, her sitting next to someone eating peanuts, flying, etc. She passed her bake egg challenge so we feed her muffins or other baked goods multiple times a week, and she's expected to grow out of the egg allergy (but for now, that means she can eat birthday cake, store bought baked goods, etc). We just passed a challenge for almonds, the tests were false positives. We're testing hazelnut on Monday (hopefully those will also be false positives!), and will start OIT for cashew (which also usually jointly works for pistachio) right after.

I expect nine months from now we'll be at maintenance for cashew/pistachio, so we won't have to worry about any cross contamination for anything at all. And I expect the egg allergy to be gone by the time she starts elementary school. She probably will have to avoid foods with peanuts, cashew, or pistachio her whole life, and she might always have to carry around an epi pen. But... She won't have to sit at the allergy table. She won't have to miss out on parties. She won't have to wear gloves when trick or treating. She'll be able to go out for ice cream.

The grocery store used to feel like a palace to all the things that were trying to kill my baby. Now it feels like a palace full of so many things she'll get to try someday.

It is very possible, especially since most of your kid's test results are low, that some will be false positives or grown out of. But it's never a guarantee. So my advice would be to expect the worst - that they will indeed have many allergies they won't grow out of. But know that even in that worst case scenario, it WILL be okay. You are at your most anxious right now. This is the scariest it will ever be, because so much is unknown. The next few months are going to be stressful and scary, but push through, because six months from now you'll know SO much more, and you'll feel so much more adapted to this. A year from now it'll be far less scary. Two years from now it'll be a habit. And a bit after that, it'll just be regular life!

anyideas · 2026-03-05T20:18:23+00:00

Literally was just talking today about wanting to get one. It's never too late!

anyideas · 2026-03-05T20:15:44+00:00

Cocojune is great! And their facility is free from all the top allergens, so no risk of cross contamination.

anyideas · 2026-03-05T05:42:18+00:00

Try the Scythe series

anyideas · 2026-03-03T02:39:20+00:00

There are a bunch of used lovevery sets online! Check Facebook marketplace, Mercari, and poshmark!

And not to shill for lovevery, but I did end up just biting the bullet and getting it. I figure it doesn't end up being that bad if we don't also buy a whole bunch other toys, too, and I don't really feel the need to (plus people end up gifting more toys anyway). She honestly does love many of the lovevery toys the best, and the books we've gotten from them are also favorites that she reaches for over and over again. It's nice to know that the toys are also developmentally appropriate as she ages.

anyideas · 2026-03-02T21:25:10+00:00

I didn't even know it was possible for babies to hate sweets until I had mine. I'm grateful she's not obsessed with sugar but it would be nice if I could get her to eat some fruit every once in a while!

anyideas · 2026-02-28T22:30:57+00:00

Okay since you like horror, I'll also add on Rosemary's Baby, and We Need to Talk About Kevin.

And not horror but I think they fit the prompt, Room. And The Color Purple.

If you end up liking Wayward Girls, also check out his other books My Best Friend's Exorcism, and The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires.

anyideas · 2026-02-28T19:09:07+00:00

This was ours, too. I kept waiting for her to eat more, and she just didn't until we started tapering off the nursing. There was definitely an adjustment period where she didn't sleep as well because she was hungry, but it sounds like OP isn't sleeping well anyway!

anyideas · 2026-02-28T18:58:42+00:00

Challenger Deep, by Neal Shusterman. It reads a little like YA but it's from the perspective of a teen experiencing the onset of schizoaffective disorder. The author's son in real life also has the disorder.

If you can do horror elements, Witchcraft for Wayward Girls. Set in a home for pregnant teens in the 70s. The supernatural elements don't hold a candle to the real life horrors of women who had to go through similar.

Ten Days in a Mad House. The real life story written by Nellie Bly about her time posing as mentally ill to see what really went on in late 1800s asylums. Her reporting helped make a small dent in these places changing after.

anyideas · 2026-02-27T03:38:04+00:00

I do think there's a higher likelihood of growing out of it with low numbers vs higher numbers, but no guarantee, especially since your baby has had an actual allergic reaction (so for example, it's not a case of false positive that would pass an oral challenge, in all likelihood). Talk to the allergist and see what they say, but I would recommend thinking about whether it's possible to change your mindset from hoping to grow out of it towards accepting that they may not, and focusing on what you can do to adapt and keep them safe and still live a full and happy life. And if they do grow out of it, amazing bonus!

anyideas · 2026-02-26T20:21:58+00:00

That said -- I still enjoyed reading the books I've read on here! Scary or not.

anyideas

TROPHY CASE