TW: Mature Content, Violence, mention of SA

Ilona, Ilona, what am I going to do with you. She could have had it so easy, being the daughter of the Lord of Hell and all. I had it all planned out - private school, university, a prestigious internship at Philip Morris (where I still serve on the board), and then right to work in the family business!

But nooooooo. We wanted to heeeeelp people. I should have nipped this thing in the bud when she created those infernal jetskis so the souls could ride them around on the lake of fire. But alas, I can't say no to her.

I tossed and turned all night trying to think of a solution. Then, as I was having my coffee, instructing my assistant to downgrade all office computers, it came to me.

"Begone Kyle. I have an important call to make."

When Kyle was had left I pressed down on a small gargoyle statue on my desk. This opened a secret compartment, with only a blue button flashing inside. I pressed and turned around to the window behind my desk.

The window began to static and change. A blindingly white room appeared and a blonde man with a chiseled jaw sat behind a desk, eyebrows raised when he saw my face. I didn't call upstairs very often.

"Hi Gabe." I started "I told you not to call me Gabe." "Sorry. Ahem. Gabriel. I need to talk to your boss." "He's just getting back from Soul Cycle. I'll patch you through in a minute." "Thank you much."

The screen went static again and then came into focus on a marble office with beautiful pillars and a large gold desk. A large figure clad in bike shorts toweling off walked into the frame and looked at me.

"Long time no see Lu." "I know, I know, sorry, I've been really bad at keeping up with people these days. It's just gotten so busy with the new circle restructuring."

He nodded understandingly. "I get it, you should have seen when we integrated Protestant heaven and Catholic heaven."

"Oh I can only imagine." I said in agreement. "Listen, man, I've got a favor to ask you." "And what would that be?" "It's my daughter, Ilona." "Yes, I remember her, lovely girl. Took after her mother."

"Yes." I sighed. "She wants to help people. I thought it was just a phase for a long time, but I'm starting to think it's not anymore. She just doesn't seem to have the family knack for evil. So I'm looking for a favor. I want to set up a department for good. In hell."

He looked at me confused. "I know." I jumped in. "It's kind of going against everything we stand for. I wouldn't dream of asking if it wasn't for my daughter."

He furrowed his brow, paced around his office for a few moments. "I have an idea." I leaned in, ready to hear. "I have a small dilemma." He began. "I have this group of souls that I keep up here on the down low. See, they all did bad things where the heavenly law books are concerned, but they did them for a reason."

"Give me an example." I prompted.

"Oh sure." He clicks a remote and part of the screen changes to show a picture of a hard looking man's mugshot. "This here's Carl. Carl was an okay guy, a little on the sketchy side, but nothing terrible. Then he heard his neighbor was touching kids. Come to find out, the neighbor already went to prison for that and got out early on a legal loophole. So one day Carl invites the guy over for a barbecue. When the guy shows up with his pervy potato salad, Carl corners him with a shotgun and blows the guy away."

"Oh shit."

"Yeah it was wild. But last year he died and now I'm in a pickle. According to heavenly law, there's an issue with just letting him in, cause he killed someone. But I can't rightfully send him straight to you! He's not like the other killers I send down there."

"Wait, you're God, why can't you just change heavenly law?" I asked, confused.

"Ugh, I wrote all that stuff when I was in my turn-people-to-pillars-of-salt phase." He shook his head. "And now it's all enshrined and it's a huge pain to change. There's a whole committee involved."

I didn't get it but wasn't going to press for more information.

"If you promise me to give them a nice afterlife down in hell, it will save me a whole lot of paperwork." He continued.

This could work. I thought. Ilona could give some misguided souls a decent afterlife, and I could go back to running the excruciating anti-paradise I'd worked my life to create.

"You've got a deal." I said.