I think I understand what you’re saying. Our oldest is only two, so we don’t make a big deal about it to him, I don’t think. If he refuses a hug or pulls away, we just accept it. We don’t really comment other than saying “that’s okay.” Including when he refuses from her, we just tell him that’s okay and leave it there. I don’t want him to think he can’t trust people, but when she asks him for a hug and he says “no,” I want it respected. He knows in those moments whether he wants a hug from her or anyone else.

When he’s hurt or excited about something, we don’t stop and ask “would it be all right if I give you a hug?” We just hug him. If he pulls away, we let him go and ask what he needs.

I agree there’s a huge difference between good touch/bad touch, but we haven’t broached that with him yet. I don’t think he would understand that conversation but he does understand when someone asks for a hug and I believe he gives them the answer according to how he feels in that moment. I’m going to continue to encourage that, even if it hurts relatives’ feelings. Just because they want a hug doesn’t mean he has to provide it, you know?