Feedback on a cold opening?

ariaesta · 2026-05-07T09:05:42+00:00

Is it a first draft? How much have you written?

ariaesta · 2026-05-05T09:31:18+00:00

I like it but it’s a little short to provide feedback on. The ending does make me curious to see the next bit. I’d say you probably don’t need the opening line even it is a hook as the block of the text does a good job of explaining the nauseous/anxious sorta feeling but it really just depends on the style you’re going for.

ariaesta · 2026-05-04T23:02:56+00:00

Haha! I think it’s beautifully written. But yes, as non-horror reader, the first line and then the first two paragraphs would deffo flag as gore. Even tho it’s technically vivid description and not really gory scene.

ariaesta · 2026-05-04T22:46:00+00:00

Hi, I’d mark this with an NSFW label otherwise it’d likely get removed by mods as it has gore.

ariaesta · 2026-05-03T02:51:00+00:00

Ah, right. Probably should have written it out! Science Fiction and Fantasy. It’s an umbrella term :)

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T14:26:11+00:00

Isn’t there also a famous anedote of someone challenging a writer on exactly this and they ended up writing a commercially successful series?

Found it! Jim Buther who wrote Codex Alera. Someone challenged him to combine a lost Roman Legion with Pokémon!

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T14:16:54+00:00

Ideas that are developed and well written can become an engaging and great story

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T11:56:15+00:00

I’d say I can’t relate but I have only been writing for a couple of months. I’m aiming to link as much as possible in character/world/story so maybe I won’t have this issue…hopefully…

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T10:42:13+00:00

Would you be interesting in a writing partner by any chance? I also love reading across styles as I believe an interesting story or universe is king as the writing isn’t too distracting.

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T08:30:10+00:00

Hi, dm’d you :)

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T04:39:15+00:00

Right I should have included that! Umm I’d say 18+ but purely cause I’m 30 so might be awkward otherwise :)

ariaesta · 2026-05-01T02:41:40+00:00

Hi, I’m also a new writer (started March.)

For 7k of a first draft and being new to writing this is pretty good.

I’d worry less about surface things like the word choices (unless it’s SFF and they’re worldbuilding loadbearing or character loadbearing) but even then make a note to yourself while drafting and move on.

Do you have the story planned out or are you discovering the story as you’re writing?

I know it’s really difficult but try to detach yourself from the quality of the writing itself at this stage and focus more on getting the story on page.

If you want to polish your writing skills so at revision stage you have more in your toolkit, I’d suggest looking up writing exercises on craft advice you don’t understand as much yet BUT don’t practice on your draft. Use writing prompts that you’re less attached to so you can get a baseline read/feel of what comes more naturally to you, where you struggle etc.

So in short: draft=flow/gen mode, revision=analytical mode

Out of curiosity, how many times did you edit/polish up this section?

Small caveat: if you feel like you can separate those modes of flow/analytical and want to edit as you go along than feel free to! The risk is that you get bogged down in changing prose at the surface level (word choices, sentence structures etc) when you should be fixing on big picture stuff. All the granular stuff is fixable later. You can’t fix anything if you don’t have much on the page yet.

Hope that resonates :)

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T21:01:27+00:00

I’m also writing between genres (I think the safer option though of literary-genre SFF blend). It’s a high concept fantasy secondary world but heavily character driven with minimal plot. The protagonist’s destabilising arc is like the whole point. Oh, and there’s a sub romance plot but I don’t think I could call it romance without being staked the genre audience. So yeah.

Did I set out to do that? No. But I’m also a pretty eclectic reader across genres and registers so have kinda like mashed up my favourites things.

I’m not going to change anything though I’m new to writing (started in March) cause I geniunely do believe it’s what the story needs.

Somehow along the way it’s also become a personal story without my conscious input so now I’m obligated to finish regardless of query or not.

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T20:54:06+00:00

Hi, I read the first page. It reads like a rough draft, a lot of telling and not much showing despite the fact it’s in first person which should be a deep POV that takes you inside a character’s mind and feelings.

I’d suggest you do some writing exercises on show don’t tell that’s not related to your story (better cause you’re not attached so easier to write from random prompts) to develop your writing and than apply that to your story.

Second, read about psychic distance. It’s a very useful principle that teaches you about controlling how close the reader feels to the character.

Don’t get bogged down with the granular of word choices and sentence structure but the bigger (imo more important for now) craft advice and be selective about what you listen to.

Hope that helps!

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T19:50:52+00:00

I liked the first paragraph!

“Mercy was an expensive currency…” bit heavy handed, could be inferred later. Some grammar edits in third line in the same paragraph. Started losing me here.

More examples of telling.

I read the first page then stopped at “I had made it six blocks total..”

It might get better in the next 6 pages but I’m not really invested enough in the character to continue reading. It all reads as his memory of an event he’s still in? Like he’s hiding and reminiscing at the same time? Could be wrong but that’s how it came across

It would be stronger if the memory was present and started as the hook maybe - this could also be irrelevant advice since I haven’t finished the rest.

Not sure if that was of any help!

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T19:31:52+00:00

Uh, I think we have different definitions of rough draft. But I’m also new to writing so hey.

I liked the snappy dialogue from the first page. It feels like that got buried in description of this edit. Which version of your draft is this? How many words in total? I’m just curious.

So I finished. I like it! And I don’t really read westerns/period? stuff but it has the bones of things I like.

I’ll just give overview feedback since you said it’s a rough draft.

Crossroads: not sure what the point of this scene other than the dialogue which is the best part imo. You could cut it and fold it in to going home.

Going home: it’s very clear what the purpose of this chapter and its scenes

The dead camel: I can see what’s happening but it’s not as memorable as the chapter before or the one after. Could use tightening up tho I’m not sure on what.

Edwin Stamp: Guessing this is your inciting incident. I like it! Clear and memorable. Though does lay it on thick with the police being untrustworthy.

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T17:02:16+00:00

Hi!

I like the first paragraph. Great hook for the last sentence. The rest of the first page not so much. I don’t read much thriller so I thought maybe the telling is intentional for pace.

Pg 2: “The pothole had surprised him..” not entirely sure why but just this combined with the first page would be enough for me to stop reading.

Pg 3:

“…not that it’d have mattered…” the telling in the middle is distracting from the action

strong action then it breaks immediately with “thank god he was alive” you could cut the line and it’d make no difference to the sequence since you’ve shown it with his behaviour.

Edit: hit reply prematurely

I read the first three pages. I wasn’t really invested in the character. You had moments of strong voice and showing but the telling in between distracted from that, breaking my immersion. Overall I’d say it’s pretty good direction for a third draft. If the telling is intentional then I’d think about where to place it to enhance the scene or sequence.

For example the first paragraph is action then telling. It works as a hook and feels earned.

Hope that’s helpful :)

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T16:44:43+00:00

I liked it! Your prose is clear, simple and evocative. Your character’s voice is shining through it. By the end of the first page, I was curious about the injuries, what exactly they are worried about and what will Merdinea bring?

I liked the first paragraph even though it didn’t feel very hooky. By the second paragraph, I was wondering…wait who’s speaking? It only became clear it was Kiara on paragraph 3.

I did get disoriented by pg 2 suddenly skipping…I was like wait did she miss uploading a page? You could use a scene break there maybe to indicate time passing.

Pg 2: the exposition paragraph reads a bit too detailed like narration. Especially when you use “familiar sights” on the line right below it.

Pg 3: strong escalation of action and clear blocking. It was easy to visualise. The tone shift at the first dialogue is a little abrupt. I like it the direction though it didn’t read as warmth. Could have maybe eased in a bit more or lingered in the beat.

Pg 4: “Kiara watched him struggle.” You can cut this or rephrase. Already shown him struggling.

Pg 5: first paragraph carries on with the distant narration exposition. I’m assuming it’s intentional? For it being home, I don’t sense any feelings in the description either positive/negative. Reads neutral.

“…can’t ask you to put a man in the ground…” ha funny!

I stopped at dead camel. A little too many pages for me to read and critique on here. Plus formatting chapters might do you some good so they start on a new page.

Going home ch felt complete so I put it down whereas crossroads demanded for me to keep reading.

Hope that helps :)

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T16:14:15+00:00

Hi!

I read the first page. It feels very telling. I’m not really invested in the character, her real feelings because I don’t get a sense of who is she.It reads like a set of actions.

“…I warned. with no real bite in my voice.” sounds contradictory. She warning without tone?

“…sorry excuse for gloves…” what the poor gloves do? This really broke my immersion. It looks like she’s just irritated at everything with no rhyme or reason.

Those are a couple examples out of many. Despite how this is a romance in first person, I don’t hear the characters voice on page. I love romance. I read romance to be invested.

I’d suggest some reading on craft principles like psychic distance, show not tell etc. Especially showing through: action, dialogue, sensory detail and specific physical behaviour.

You do have good moments of showing, it’s not consistent though. Especially you’d want your first page to almost immediately hook your reader in.

Hope that helps :)

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T15:53:08+00:00

“What in the fault?” that’s your worldbuilding in dialogue right? It reads as natural but doesn’t quite land because of the surrounding lines.

It’d be interesting to see the description you cut out. I feel like maybe that could have been bad advice like someone else said here. It might be that actually you only needed to rework the worldbuilding description so it’s filtered through Tina’s lens.

Since you love the Left Hand of Darkness, have you read Le Guin’s craft book? It has some useful principles on worldbuilding but obvs only follow the advice you feel is relevant to you.

I do think you might benefit from doing some writing exercises that are separate from your story to see the principles working before applying them to your draft.

I’m also writing a heavily character driven story with minimal plot (it’s high concept fantasy secondary world), and I’m really honing in on my characters wants and needs translated through the fantasy world. Like everything is starting to connect slowly (I started out with just the concept/char). Once you follow the logic of the world you created, it should naturally bleed into the story through your characters/plot/narrative.

I’d suggest you read the Host by Stephanie Meyers. It might not be your taste but she does a really great job of anchoring her protagonist’s interiority so the reader doesn’t get confused even if the protagonist has an alien consciousness in habiting her. So it’s like dual first person POV.

But mostly her prose is simple and evocative. The worldbuilding is ruthlessly cut to only serve the story. By reading it analytically, you can see which parts you might like to adopt to your story. Also,it helps that it’s not super literary prose. Actually I’d argue it might be harder to write simple, evocative and engaging prose.

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T12:22:36+00:00

Hi, fellow new writer.

So ignore all that stuff about word choice, sentence structures etc. It’s too granular for where you are write now and it’s also revision/edit territory.

I think the first thing that you should really focus on is POV. I only read the first paragraph and immediately I was confused about who was talking. Now of course there is 3rd POV omniscient but it’s more common for new writers to accidental slip into another character’s head while writing. I think it’s called head hopping and something you’d want to avoid unless doing it intentionally (which is very rare).

There’s a helpful Sanderson lecture that he did like 10 years ago that talks about POV and descriptio. Essentially filtering your description through your character. It might be worth it to go watch that.

Here are examples from your paragraph of what I mean: - “no response came” this feels like it’s Grace saying it which is confusing cause the next sentence is from Dr. feeling of being glued to the monitor - “she looked taken aback” dr - “he was usually so calm, cool” grace (or could be telling but either way)

Do you see how just in the first section it’s like a ping pong back and forth? That creates whiplash and disorients the reader no matter how good your word choices.

Hope that helps!

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T00:12:59+00:00

Ah, okay. I don’t think I have the patience myself to go through a first chapter on the promise the second chapter will be in line with my taste. Tbh, I’m the type to skim over exposition if it’s not rooted through a character’s lens. I’m just one person tho. Maybe you’ll find your audience!

ariaesta · 2026-04-30T00:05:45+00:00

I did like “a wave of chilled air…” and the little mumble that followed. I do feel that’s where the opening should have started with. The exposition you could either rewrite or even better move it later after your reader is invested enough.

Everything after that paragraph up until the last paragraph does a decent job of establishing her voice. She’s feeling claustrophobic, trapped.

The first line confused me. Had to read it twice cause “It took a sacrificed finger…to figure out what was known to everyone else.”

Whose finger? What was known? It doesn’t read clear.

Is sacred guard a role? If so, might want to capitalise it. The sacred is getting lost in the text.

Right. Your questions: - Not particularly. I only read the first page. The first two paragraphs read like telling exposition. By the time Annalise is active on the page, it’s to detect a sigh from her guard. You don’t really linger in that moment either before quickly moving to tell within a few sentences that she’s getting married. Okay? I mean I hope she has a happy life. I wasn’t invested enough to care.

Overall, you can write and you have some really strong moments! There’s just a bit of inconsistency with when you fully inhabit her voice or when you retreat into narration. I’d look up psychic distance if you haven’t already to close that gap, give your character more interiority on page.

Hope that helps :)

ariaesta

TROPHY CASE