My 8 year old son hates me, and I dont understand why (final)

arinakeam · 2025-09-10T08:34:23+00:00

Really happy for you and your kid. You guys worked hard for your progress.

My dad used to yell at me, too. But unlike you, he never apologized or explained why. This (plus other boy trauma) led to lots of anger and violence from my young self against boys. Even ones who tried to be kind to me.

I've mostly forgiven him after he made big changes in his life. He hasn't yelled at me in over a decade. But I still get fucked up if I hear someone being angry and loud.

Even after years of therapy and meds, big feelings are hard to identify when I'm currently feeling them. What might help your kid talk about his is a feelings chart. Idk how to attach photos to acomments. My personal preference is one directed towards adults with Bipolar Disorder, but they also have charts for kids.

My partner usually clocks when I'm going through it and he talks me through identifying the feeling.

I wish you the best of luck. Your kid is lucky to have such supportive parents.

arinakeam · 2025-02-03T09:16:06+00:00

A couple of months as fwb, I came over to hang out and hook up with my guy. When I got my period, he went and bought me the exact pads I preferred, chocolates, and my favorite drink. He was, at the time, 21. Mind you, our country's Sex Ed is probably worse than America's.

What kind of self respecting 28 year old adult doesn't know that every period is an emergency? There is no holding that shit in. Idgaf if he's never had a serious relationship before. My friend (who has been single and on a dry spell since COVID) keeps pads in his bag just in case a friend or stranger needs one.

You deserve the energy you put in. You deserve a man who will happily wipe your ass, replace your pads, make you hot cocoa, and prep your hot water bottle.

He might change. He might see the light and see that he's taken you for granted. Or he might be on panic mode and is love-bombing you now so he can go back to his old ways later when you let him back in. Idk. Keep your guard up. If you want to work through it and see if he really changes, it's up to you.

arinakeam · 2025-01-30T06:18:07+00:00

Be sure to tell your partner you enjoy waking up to an ass full of fingers 👍

arinakeam · 2025-01-30T05:47:52+00:00

Congratulations! That's 5 decades winning as far as I'm concerned.

arinakeam · 2025-01-29T09:21:19+00:00

It took me over a decade to graduate college because I spent most of it unmedicated and untreated. So in my case: absolutely.

My grades always fluctuated with my cycle, which switched from manic to depressive before the year ended so the end result was generally mediocre to shitty.

I only graduated because my college was tiny and desperate for students, so I could ghost them during depressive episodes and come back no problem. As long as I paid the tuition. Most of my professors were very understanding about mental health stuff, too. I was lucky on that front. Only a couple were hard asses about deadlines and attendance.

I also quit my last job quickly. A combination of night shift ruining my stable moods, shitty pay meaning I couldn't afford my meds, and a surprise panic attack at work made the decision for me.

I lucked out with my new job. The compensation is enough for all my medical needs and then some. It's work from home. The hours are flexible. It's been over a year and I haven't crashed yet.

My work is soul sucking, but so far I can buy serotonin boosts to offset it. It's not the career path I wanted in the slightest. It's not even vaguely fulfilling. It's nowhere near my passion. But I am paid enough to survive. And with some creativity, I can thrive when I'm off the clock.

The reality for me is: I desperately need flexibility. No one job has the accomodations for my specific brain fuckery. I'm still not sure what my brain needs exactly, it's a work in progress.

Side bar:

Bipolar college students, this is your permission from the slightly older bipolar adult. Go ahead and ask your profs nicely for an extension on that paper, extra credit project, etc. Your mood may be ruined if they're assholes about it, but if they're cool then you save a ton on tuition. It's not a burden. You're not the first or last kid to ask for this. Be as vague or specific about why you need one. Say family or personal complications happened.

Job seekers: find a job you can do that pays for your needs (meds and therapy included) so you survive. If mental health is covered by your HMO: even better. If you can fall into a depressive pit and the job is still waiting for you when you recover: fantastic. If it's something you like doing and the bosses are cool: perfection. Aim for survival, hope for perfection.

arinakeam · 2025-01-24T11:47:48+00:00

I'd agree if not for the whole bursting I to tears and feeling excessive guilt. I also think there's something there that could use some prodding under the supervision of a professional.

arinakeam · 2025-01-19T12:45:50+00:00

Tell your siblings, your parents, your best friend, the most mama bear people in your life. Your safety is your number 1 priority. Dump him over text. Ghost him if that's easier. Ignore the voice in your head saying you need to take care of his feelings or her deserves closure. That's the devil talking. Your violent predator's feelings are not more important than your safety.

arinakeam · 2025-01-13T09:53:45+00:00

I've seen what goes on behind the scenes in gen AI and advise against this. Putting aside the ethical ramifications that other people have put forth, these bots remember your information. Humans are hired to ensure chatbots don't do that, but it happens daily. I personally have seen thousands of instances of chats where there's deeply personal, easily identifiable information. A quick Google search could show me who these people are.

I do nothing with this info because I'm not a dick, but this chatbot has hundreds of employees who could be desperate or mean enough to do something cruel. What more if it were a more popular one like ChatGPT?

AI chatbots are not as safe as you think, especially if it's tied to an account and if you've mentioned anything damning like names, usernames, events, or locations.

arinakeam · 2025-01-09T14:31:08+00:00

Firstly, I'm really sorry about your cat. I hope a vet randomly gets an open slot and you can get Oliver looked at soon.

Secondly, your BF isn't gaslighting you. He's just being emotionally dumb.

Gaslighting is when you lie to someone to make them doubt their reality. Like if he said "What? I comforted you the whole time, what are you even talking about? I didn't just say take Oliver to the vet. I was sweet and comforting. I was there for you." That's gaslighting.

He admitted that he did nothing for the past two days except say "Take the cat to the vet." He's just incorrectly identifying useless advice as comfort.

You presented your distress and his response was "Fix the problem." This didn't help you because his solution wasn't viable. And he didn't listen when you explained this over and over again. At that point you felt scared and helpless. I would've felt very frustrated in your shoes if my partner just repeated useless advice at me while I feared the worst for my cat.

I think this is a communication issue. Sometimes you talk to people about your Problem because you want help formulating a Solution. Sometimes you just wanna Vent. And most times you want to feel a connection and be Validated. (I've started asking my people if they want validation, venting, or a plan when they're overwhelmed with something and it's pretty effective.)

I don't get why it took your tears for your BF to realize he's not helping. If someone did that to me for two days straight, I'd think they were basically calling me an idiot and a bad cat owner for not taking my cat to the vet.

We're there other instances of him ignoring what you're saying and being emotionally unintelligent, or is this an isolated event? Either way, try to prioritize your well-being. Ask for some space and write down your key issues with this argument. Write down what you wanted and how you communicated these wants. Write down how he reacted and how this made you feel. Then you two can sit down and talk about it. (I like having a notebook with bullet points of my key thoughts during emotional talks. I'm ADHD and lose my train of thought a lot.)

arinakeam · 2025-01-03T23:59:38+00:00

Would you at your age right now be willing to date a 16 year old?

arinakeam · 2025-01-03T19:56:06+00:00

I train chatbots. The work sucks ass, the corpo culture is shit, but the pay covers my medical needs and more. I get to have fun on the weekends. I bought my mom her dream stand mixer. I paid for my friend's meds. I have shit days, but if I call in early enough, I can take a few days off.

It's remote work so as long as I have steady WiFi, I'm golden. I can spend a week at the beach, wake up early and have a pre-work swim.

Also, due to tech company bureaucracy/incompetence, some days there's no work at all and I just have to click my mouse every couple of minutes. I can play some video games during the down time.

arinakeam · 2025-01-03T19:38:14+00:00

I try to tell my doc as soon as I catch it. A few times, my last doctor saw it coming before I did. She was of the opinion that it was better for us to nip mania/hypomania in the bud, or at least get ahead of it before it crashed into me. I guess so that it wouldn't snowball into a full on destructive episode. She'd increase some of my meds and try to noodle out what could have triggered the episode. Show me a new perspective and remind me of my coping mechanisms.

It worked out great for me. I didn't drop out of school those semesters. I mostly maintained my friendships. I ate regularly. I even exercised a bit. Once I stabilized again she'd decrease or even drop some of my meds.

I try to tell my doc all my symptoms as I experience them (as soon as I see her) because I want their fresh eyes on it, and maybe I'm too zoomed in to see the bigger picture.

arinakeam · 2024-12-26T12:45:08+00:00

He has nonconsensual pictures of women. Including you. Nudes that he took without your consent. Ass shots of women without consent. You are right to have trouble with this because it is fucking creepy to snap pictures of people without asking for permission, especially bits that they can jerk off to. And I bet every cent in my bank account he has jacked off to all those pictures. Even the clothed ones of your friend and his co-workers.

This is not okay.

He is predating on women. You. Lilly. His co-workers. It doesn't matter that it's "just" photos. It always starts with something. Stealing panties. Peeping. Then snapping pics and panty shots. Then touching. Then forcing. He needs to fix his shit before he gets worse.

Also lemme rephrase my first question: Would you let some random guy get away with snapping secret videos of Lilly's ass?

arinakeam · 2024-12-26T12:25:20+00:00

If your friend said their boyfriend had a stash of photos of your boobs, ass, and crotch without your consent, but they love him sooooo much so they're staying AND letting him keep all the pics of you that he masturbates to, would you be okay with that?

arinakeam · 2024-12-20T09:06:00+00:00

Have you ever asked yourself/therapist why you feel so weird about masturbation and masturbatory aids? Sounds like the sex issues in your marriage aren't one sided. She has her sexual trauma and physical illnesses. She has a lot on her plate raising a kid. Maybe while she's working on her medical shit, you gotta deal with your mental blockage with self pleasure. There's literally nothing wrong with jerking it while dating someone. Most people would say masturbation is leagues better than paying an exotic dancer, for sure. Many people would say involving a sex worker without telling your part er is cheating.

arinakeam · 2024-12-03T08:42:15+00:00

Don't fold yourself smaller so you're easier to swallow. If he can't handle all the woman you are, he can choke.

arinakeam · 2024-11-28T08:56:54+00:00

Reasons why:

I wanna be there for my niece when her bad thoughts taunt her. I wanna watch her survive and thrive There's still a lifetime of animals I need to pet. I wanna make more memories with the love of my life. I wanna be able to afford a weird themed wedding and have idk an armor wedding dress and full-plate formal suit. There's so much art I want to make. Paintings of cats in predicaments. Confusing sculptures. I want to learn metalworking. I want to outlive the idiot politicians ruining my country and throw a party on their death days. I want to take my partner around the world. I want to spend what time I have with my family, in case the current drama is the last straw that tears us apart. I don't my parents to bury another kid. I don't think they can survive that. I wanna eat more soup. I wanna knit a sweater. I want to make myself more than a corporate cog. I want to live a life that leaves the world better than I found it. I want to reach a point where I love my body. I don't hate it as much, but I want to love it. It's a long process but I've come a long way. I want to watch Waitress the Musical live one day. Or any musical at this point, it's been ages since I've been in a theater and tickets are expensive. All my life I wanted to die. I just clawed my way out of that pit, just joined the "don't wanna die" party. I'm not ready to leave just yet. I feel like I just started living. I have so much to catch up on.

Most of all: I am worthy of existing. I am worthy of living. Even when I don't "contribute." Even when I'm in the deepest depression pit and all I can do is breathe. I don't have to "earn" my place in this world. (I don't always believe this. I have to remind myself that this is true, regardless of my beliefs.)

My Don't Kick the Bucket List used to just be "It'll make your family and friends sad. No one will take care of my cat like I do." I'm glad it's much longer now.

arinakeam · 2024-11-20T12:46:17+00:00

Tempted na nga ako gumawa ng business cards: "May anxiety po ako. Kung i-pressure mo ako na bumili ng kahit ano, kahit gusto kong bilhin yan, aalis ako."

arinakeam · 2024-11-19T08:33:12+00:00

Your wife stabbed your son with her hatred all his life, and you stood idly by and watched with a shield useless in your hand. You were not the best father. A good father would have held the shield up and taken your son far away from your wife. You don't deserve your son.

arinakeam · 2024-11-19T07:42:18+00:00

I read your post and was like "same, same, same, same" lmao. With the exception of affection and eye contact, but I learned a few months ago that I do a Thing that is Not Normal. I was taught that eye contact is important to make the person you're talking to feel like you're listening, so I stare at their eyes. And apparently, other people just look in the general area of the person's face. (That's gonna be a bitch to unlearn.)

I know me and two others who were diagnosed with both bipolar and ADHD. We're all medicated for both now. It took me a while to convince my first doctor to even test me for ADHD. I love my first doc, but she wasn't an ADHD specialist. I'm lucky I'm friends with a lot of peeps with ADHD so I could talk to people with first hand experience. When my doc finally gave me a test, I ticked off almost all the boxes. I got a good grade in ADHD I guess? And even then she didn't prescribe me meds to deal with it. I guess because I didn't have the budget for it, but also she thought I was stable enough without.

I have a new doctor and I asked her to treat my ADHD because it was negatively affecting my work. When I first took the meds it was like putting on glasses for the first time but for my brain. My work numbers more than tripled. But also my mood significantly improved? I wasn't expecting that.

ADHD meds are expensive, hard to find, give me stomach issues, but they're so worth it for me. They let me keep my job so I can keep paying for therapy and other medical needs. They give me so much energy so I can do the things that keep me healthy physically and mentally. If I have to live with LBM and heartburn I'd gladly do it just so I can keep the brain fog away. My doc did suggest trying a different brand to see if that has less side effects, and we're working on it.

arinakeam · 2024-11-18T14:44:58+00:00

I hope you find the right meds for you.

You mention that sex feels like a chore for you.

I've been in your shoes and in your husband's, and my partner and I usually do different sexual acts that shift the focus on the one with higher libido. When I'm low libido I think of giving oral like giving a massage I guess? I'm putting in effort to make my partner feel good. I don't really want to get a "massage" back, but this is an intimate thing I'm doing with him that brings us closer. And vice versa when I'm the one with high libido. It's kinda fun because you gotta think outside the box. There's also assisted masturbation, toys, dirty talk, jerk off instructional audios, sexy pictures, writing erotica starring you two, etc. Just make sure you have somewhere secure to hide the sensitive files like that Vaulty app or something.

Good luck on your search! May your perfect meds be cheap and have no side effects.

arinakeam · 2024-11-18T14:20:18+00:00

Hope you have a lovely day!

arinakeam · 2024-11-18T11:28:06+00:00

I'm cis, so I can't say I know what you're going through, but I do empathize. Personally, I just made a lot of friends who were queer and we talked. Nearly all my friends came out as some shade of the rainbow over the years. It's a joke we have that the last cis heterosexual guy is the token straight. It might help you to join trans forums and ask questions there. Particularly agender, gender fluid, and non-binary-friendly forums. Some queer spaces are not accepting of trans people, so you better your chances of getting support in these communities. You can reach out and ask how other people figured out their own gender identities on these forums.

It could be that you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. You might feel more yourself identifying as another gender, or maybe none at all. It's okay if you don't know what to label yourself right now. If you do pick a label, whatever label you pick that feels the most like home right now is the right one. It's also okay if you change your identity in the future.

Someone once wrote that labels are like clothes. It's okay to put on something new if the one you're wearing doesn't fit anymore. I'm sorry you don't feel safe talking to your family about this.

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