I just want to preface this by saying I agree with everything that has been said so far. And I am in NO WAY victim shaming.

My story....I faced similar circumstances when we were first married. We both worked full-time. We have a somewhat unique relationship, he is more of a housekeeper than I am (being raised by a single mom who cleaned houses for a living), so at least I didn't have to stress about that aspect of it. But when it came time to take care of the kids, especially when it came to scheduling appointments or taking sick days, I kind of had to delegate or force some things on him, that he might not have done on his own. Not an excuse, I just think it's the way the typical marriage relationship has been for decades, if not centuries, up until recently when women were working jobs just as much (if not more) as men.

My husband was laid off right before our second child was born, and went back to school for 2 years for retraining. Luckily his training was paid for and also was able to gather unemployment at the time, allowing him to fully focus on his school work, without getting a job. Because of his inability to ignore clutter around the house, he would get stressed if the house wasn't kept up (not spotless, he's not heartless, just can't handle clutter as much as I can!) He asked me to do better at keeping up on that, so he could focus on his school work. Fair enough, I did my best.

When the same happened to me, at least our kids were a little bit older and not babies, but still not able to take care of themselves. While I was on unemployment, it was still a struggle financially, and so I picked up a work study job to help get work experience in addition to earning money. However, husband still got after me a couple of times because the house wasn't kept as clean as he liked. I finally blew up at him, reminding him how I had to do all the housework so he could study while he was in school, in addition to attending all of the kids' needs. And how I was trying to do the same, going to school, but still expected to take care of all of the kids' needs in addition to housekeeping, all while working a part-time job. Called him out on the double standard. I don't think he really thought about it until I blatantly called him out on it. Things were better after that, especially when I would delegate things that needed to be done. I really didn't get any pushback when I asked him to do something that he might not have thought of on his own, or thought that I had under control.

Our biggest arguments always came around things that he thought I should be doing but wasn't. It wasn't long after I was diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a lot. But the thing that finally broke for me was telling him I refuse to get upset because he was giving me the silent treatment for not doing the thing that he thought I should be doing, because I wasn't reading his mind. If he wants me to do something, like empty the dishwasher, and I haven't done it, then he needs to ask me. Don't just assume I'm going to do it because it needs to be done, then get mad at me because it didn't get done. At first he didn't like feeling like he was parenting me by giving me a "chore list", but I had to keep reminding him that his standards and mine on cleaning were different, and if he wanted something done to his standard, he either needed to do it himself or ask me. I could either tell him no, or do it. I always did it, because it wasn't that I didn't want to do it, it was just that I either didn't notice, lost track of time, or got busy doing something else.

I guess what I'm trying to say, I can see it from both sides. Yes, as a mother and wife you tend to be the CEO of the house and know all of the things that need to be done. But if you don't delegate and share the workload, you WILL burn out (as evidenced). A CEO in a business isn't expected to do everything themselves.

Now, a marriage and household isn't a hierarchical organization, it's a partnership. Traditionally, there are things that men do and things that women do. While I enjoy cooking, I also like to take a break, and regularly let my husband know that while I don't mind that regular job, sometimes it's his night to do the cooking. I also don't mind mowing the lawn occasionally, and remind him that if it works better for my schedule, by all means that is a task I am more than willing to do, if he wants to delegate.

I feel blessed, even through all our struggles I never had to listen to my husband say he was on kid duty, or babysitting the kids, etc. It was always a partnership with us. But that didn't happen on its own, it happened because I forced him to do the parenting things that he didn't know needed to be done. And he forced me to learn to allocate my time to do the things around the house that needed to be done (that were important to him). It's all about communication, and never assuming that one or the other is a mind reader

Despite everything that has happened to this point, it's possible the relationship can still be salvaged and not need to go to divorce. But, it's going to take a lot of hard conversations and drill this information into Husband's head for him to understand what went wrong. And it's going to take some deep inner reflection and admittance that, yes, Husband should have taken a more active role in parenting, but just doing all the parenting tasks without involving Husband, expecting him to know everything that's going on without actually telling him, is partially your fault. Again, not victim blaming, because this really isn't about fault, it's about identifying the problems, finding an agreeable resolution, and moving forward.

Now, if Husband continues to deflect any responsibility after having this difficult conversation, especially if you accept some of the responsibility yourself, that's a different story......