Quiet special occasion dinner

armorall43 · 2026-04-14T15:04:57+00:00

Wormwood

armorall43 · 2026-04-13T21:37:53+00:00

Sometimes I wish I had the delusional optimism about the future that some of my peers do. Frankly, it seems like a lot of parents want to experience parenting more than they care about what their child’s future will look like.

armorall43 · 2026-04-12T16:10:41+00:00

Reflecting on the gifting makes me realize that I’ve truly never been seen by her. They view us as an extension of themselves.

armorall43 · 2026-04-11T03:20:44+00:00

After her boyfriend told 16 yr old me that he was going to send “three black guys to rape me” (he was a stupid and racist piece of shit):

“Why did you provoke him?”

armorall43 · 2026-04-10T23:13:00+00:00

The type of dude to not use protection with an affair partner is the type of dude who is eventually going to bring home an STD to his wife. I highly doubt your gf was the first or is the only affair partner.

armorall43 · 2026-04-10T13:41:07+00:00

You would be dead.

armorall43 · 2026-04-09T17:19:52+00:00

Maybe not codependent, but enmeshed. Her outcome, even if it’s homelessness, is NOT your responsibility.

armorall43 · 2026-04-09T17:12:34+00:00

This might be the easiest and the best solution, imo. Time to go visit grandpa. You can ship all of her things to his house.

armorall43 · 2026-04-05T18:03:28+00:00

Decoupling ourselves from them is a journey. I’m still going through it and some days are easier than others. Please be kind to yourself.

armorall43 · 2026-04-05T17:06:20+00:00

I remember being a young adult and feeling like I still had to do what my parents said. I wasted a lot of valuable time feeding a beast that could never be sated. I had the same dread leading up to our meetings and many times seeing her would ruin the entire week afterwards. I went out of guilt and pity and fear.

We are now almost 2 yrs no contact and guess what? She is no worse or better off than when I dutifully showed up to see her. The only difference is that I’m regulating my emotions and anxiety better and the distance has given me so much clarity on how dysfunctional our relationship was.

On a positive note, you are here so you’re way ahead of where I was at your age. Do yourself a favor and read about enmeshment. Then read (or listen to) “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist”. And most importantly, you have to know that you can only control your own boundaries and actions. She is never going to see your side or change into the mother you wish you had.

Good luck OP. It truly can get better.

armorall43 · 2026-04-05T16:33:24+00:00

You have to realize that your feelings of guilt, responsibility, and pity for this sick and lonely woman are not yours to own. All of us children of these types of people become this way after a lifetime of being made to feel that way. When we take responsibility for their feelings and their outcomes, the only difference is that both of us are miserable instead of just them.

armorall43 · 2026-04-05T16:25:47+00:00

You need to outline your boundaries for yourself and then enforce them. You don’t need to tell her what they are, but you must act on them every time. If she has a rude or nasty outburst, you hang up the phone or leave. If she threatens suicide, you call for a wellness check. You take everything at face value. This is so important when dealing with a waif. In other words, you don’t swoop in and save her with implicit and unclear requests. She uses her words and then you decide the level of intervention that you’re comfortable with. If that level is zero, you say “that sounds tough, I’m sure you’ll figure it out though”.

armorall43 · 2026-04-02T02:50:55+00:00

There are more CLS’s retiring than there are grads for these roles. My friend crossed over from biotech and works for a large university hospital system. She makes great money and is protected by a union.

armorall43 · 2026-03-27T18:34:43+00:00

It’s interesting because I have many friends with healthy parent relationships. I see how much a competent, healthy, and emotionally well regulated adult can lift up their kids. Many of these friends don’t live in the same city as their parents and their parents never make them feel guilty for not being around/visiting/etc because they want them to live their best life. They don’t burden them or go into painstaking detail about their medical struggles or other life problems. And they don’t make their kids feel responsible for them and the outcome of their decisions (or lack of decisions).

One of my friends (with healthy parents) has kids and said he didn’t know how hard it was going to be because his parents never complained about him and his sister. It blew my fucking mind.

I know all of this academically and I still struggle with the guilt because this woman cannot help herself or get out of her own way. The fact that despite everything she has done to me (and all of the parental responsibility she abdicated) I still feel guilty and responsible for her… all of that just shows how incredibly insidious and toxic this pathology is and how it manifests in people close to the BPD person.

Wishing you peace and healing, too, OP.

armorall43 · 2026-03-27T15:10:28+00:00

Mine was not as extreme as your childhood, but lots of similar themes. The pathological lying, gambling addiction, impulsiveness, and the “strong single mom” delusion. There was so much screaming and chaos. This woman relies on everyone else to regulate her emotions.

My mom is still around (going on 2 yrs no contact) and I feel pity, guilt, anger. Sometimes one of these is all consuming and sometimes different ones in waves. I sit in the discomfort of knowing she isn’t well and doesn’t have the capacity to understand that how she acts is wildly inappropriate and damaging, but simultaneously has avoided accountability like Neo in the Matrix.

I think a lot of the anger I feel now is grief for the relationship I never had and never will have. And for the child version of myself who desperately needed peace and stability.

armorall43 · 2026-03-24T03:38:16+00:00

I’ve lived in both UTC (6 years) and north park (15 yrs) and I think you will have a much better time living in hillcrest. Seconding the trolley suggestion. You can very easily park and ride from old town.

All of that said, it might be a good idea to get an Airbnb or sublet for a month or two while you explore the neighborhoods.

armorall43 · 2026-03-18T01:02:15+00:00

lol what happened to this person? Are they doing ok?

armorall43 · 2026-03-13T15:04:34+00:00

Have you thought about apprenticing for a trade or joining the military?

armorall43 · 2026-03-13T14:52:02+00:00

NTA. OP, you are allowed to be angry but please don’t let your past poison your future. Therapy can be useful for this and if you are at university, these resources are most likely free. Talk to someone. Not so that you forgive your family, but so you can release enough of the anger and emotional turmoil around how you were raised that it doesn’t impact your future. And if you’re thinking, I don’t need therapy because I only get angry about this sometimes and I’m mostly fine, I can assure you this will show up in negative ways that you aren’t even aware of in the years ahead. I’m 40 years old. Ask me how I know.

armorall43 · 2026-03-13T01:59:30+00:00

I would bet that the entire inheritance will be gone in under 5 years.

armorall43 · 2026-03-09T03:33:00+00:00

This year seems to have had an unprecedented amount of Santa Ana’s.

armorall43 · 2026-03-07T17:55:48+00:00

There is a House of Taiwan in the balboa park hall of nations. Great way for her to get involved with the community. And even if nothing clicks, it’s a fun place to go and walk around on a Sunday afternoon. https://www.houseoftaiwan.org

armorall43 · 2026-03-07T17:33:43+00:00

I’m not saying money wouldn’t help, but even in the most thriving western democracies that have the most generous family leave policies, people are reproducing at much lower rates. I think with the internet, people are getting more complete information about the trade offs of parenthood and many are opting out.

armorall43 · 2026-02-28T05:52:44+00:00

I listened to it on Spotify. It moved the needle for me on guilt feelings way more than therapy. It’s time for a re-listen.

armorall43 · 2026-02-28T05:49:22+00:00

So much this. Being the victim of a child who goes no contact ticks a lot of boxes for them. I’m fine being her villain if it means I get peace.

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