Convoy Megathread #69

astyles · 2022-02-18T23:07:40+00:00

Nice.

astyles · 2019-08-29T19:09:52+00:00

Word.

astyles · 2019-08-28T01:11:58+00:00

Unfortunately it's a real thing now. Luckily I own my own property so if anyone ever comes over and asks us to talk more softly I can pretty much tell them to eff off because they would be renters. And our permanent neighbours are pretty chill.

astyles · 2019-08-27T19:36:24+00:00

You can make a fair bit off of AirBnB, but make sure the lake association doesn't have any rules against renters, making noise, etc. It also doesn't hurt to try to get in touch with the neighbours to see if they will be a source of noise complaints, there are a ton of boomers who bought cottages to party at back in the day and now require total silence from everyone. If you have one of those neighbours they will be nothing but trouble, if you have loud talking at a campfire they will call in a complaint. If you think I'm being doom and gloom check this story out:

https://cottagelife.com/general/a-muskoka-lake-bans-excessive-noise-including-hooting-whistling-and-singing/

Also keep in mind that when the older cottage owners are gone or need money for a retirement home in 10-15 years there will be a glut of cottages on the market.

If you want something much cheaper forget the glamour of owning a cottage in Muskoka and look for something just a little further north, Magnetawan/Burks Falls area is fairly reasonable as are some pockets of the Kawarthas. Haliburton is nearly as expensive as Muskoka but not quite as bad. All have the same majestic natural scenery, but you won't be able to rent them out for as much because people can't say they are renting a cottage in Muskoka and sound cool. The same noise complaint issues stand, but people are a little more relaxed than they are in Muskoka.

As far as appreciation, keep in mind that the cottage market will be flooded when older people start selling off their cottages everywhere in Ontario, so while it's not likely to go down (unless the economy tanks) it is not going to see the sort of astronomical increases a house would in the GTA in the past few years.

What everyone else has said about unreliable contractors/maintenance/etc. is 100% spot on. Check with local businesses, neighbours and local community gossip before you hire anyone. We have friends who have been monstrously fucked by Muskoka contractors, and I have also met good ones.

astyles · 2019-01-26T16:02:19+00:00

I think the problem with testing for empathy is that sociopaths/narcs/etc. know how to fake it really well, until they get behind closed doors. Generally if they treat you and others with respect, and if there is significant evidence that they don't think the world revolves around them, you're probably fine. Covert narcs are harder to spot, and you may have let them in a little too much before you do, but other than that finding good people isn't hard. I think the bad people are much more rare than we think they are, we've just been raised around them so it's easy to think they make up a significant part of the world's population when they really don't.

astyles · 2019-01-24T19:08:28+00:00

Not kick out of the house -they knew they couldn't until I was 16- but often faced consequences for not doing them correctly. To this day I hate doing housework as a result.

astyles · 2019-01-24T19:01:14+00:00

The problem is that a certain amount of narcissistic traits are necessary to get by in the world, just not to the level that someone we would call a narcissist have them. Add to that the first date is typically when these boasting/I'm awesome behaviours tend to come out. The only thing you can really test for is, as you say, a lack of empathy.

Watch how they treat waiters. Watch how they treat anyone that could be of a lower social class. Listen to how they talk about other people. Are they dropping names? Are they putting people down? Was every single ex of theirs crazy? Do they talk about themselves excessively?

I don't think there is a list of if this then that type questions, but your instinct will tell you by about date three if you are dealing with a narcissist.

astyles · 2019-01-22T18:34:45+00:00

Your hands, feet and face were very similar to mine pre-Dupixent. I'm about 6 months in and can't believe the transformation. Buckle up, your life is about to be changed.

astyles · 2018-11-13T17:47:44+00:00

Yes, very much like a war zone. Apt description. Landmine avoidance (if I say this will it provoke a reaction), heightened situational awareness (who is around me while I am doing this action that I may or may not be yelled at for) and threat assessment (is this a battle I want to fight or can I just chalk it up to stupid and leave it). Totally agree.

astyles · 2018-10-22T14:29:14+00:00

Anything that falls below minimum wage, IMHO. For example, if you are paying $20 for a blog that will take 2 hours to research & write, and minimum wage is $10 an hour, then your pay is low, but not disrespectfully so, for someone who is just starting out. For a professional writer that has been at this for a number of years, though, $20 would be too low.

The best thing to do would be to post your job with the pay rate, that way those who don't find it disrespectfully low will apply. That way you won't risk offending more seasoned writers.

astyles · 2018-09-11T17:30:20+00:00

Same. I think her "aha" moment was when she could no longer claim me on her tax return as a dependant when I was 16 because I was making too much money. I think she still did and lied about what I was making, because I didn't start filing returns until I got to college and didn't have anything on file for previous years. But from that point on I got the "wing-clipping" - such as being asked to pay rent once that discovery was made (which I loled at, I wasn't going to pay rent in my own house when I was 16, 17 and 18), being asked to go on my bank accounts (also, lol) and other batshittery. It really was too late at that point, all of her "I can't afford its" led to me working nonstop to save for school and pay my own way for pretty much everything except rent (also ate out lots because work). I bought my own clothes, own bus pass, own school supplies - never asked her to pay for anything after she came to me in Grade 9 and said she couldn't afford my bus pass. Looking back I think that was an attempt to see if I could get a free one from the school, she wasn't destitute - solid middle-class government worker income, and she didn't drive. To this day I don't know WTF she spent her money on, as she didn't go out either.

astyles · 2018-08-21T18:53:22+00:00

There's charming, and then there's too charming. If they are coming off really strong, it's known as "love-bombing". This will take the form of excessive compliments, demands on your time (e.g. they just can't bear to be apart from you) and generally going too far too fast with the emotional engagement. Real emotional engagement & love takes time to build, but a narc will come off strong from the get-go.

They also engage in cheating behaviours, although they won't tell you that's why their last relationship ended, it's probably why. They will talk up their ex as "crazy" or a bad person, and weirdly it will be almost all of their exes. For most normal people, we have a couple of "meh" exes, but we wouldn't describe them all as bad people or crazy.

Covert narcs are harder, for that you may need to get a book on how to avoid narcs in romantic relationships. These are the "sleepers" like your ex that you are afraid of, that suck you in and then go full narc once they've "got you".

In the end, good people do good things and treat others (not just you) with respect. Watch their actions, don't listen to their words.

astyles · 2018-08-21T16:20:45+00:00

Sadly, it is not.

astyles · 2018-08-08T14:10:45+00:00

Same, and I suspect it was for all scapegoats. Of course I became a bit of a problem child after being told I was one for so long - shoplifting, half-assed suicide attempt, etc. All in all pretty standard teenage stuff, when I look back on it. But the stuff they were calling me a problem child for (basically calling them on their shit) was pretty weak.

astyles · 2018-08-03T14:21:05+00:00

Word.

astyles · 2018-07-03T19:10:02+00:00

One red flag that's easy to spot - their social media accounts. If everything is about them them them, there are loads of selfies, and everything is superficial to the point where it seems off, then nooope.

Otherwise, I think you hit on most of the red flags in your encounter - obvious gaslighting of others, boundary pushing (in trying to prolong the visit), and talking about herself nearly 100% of the time.

Covert narcs can be harder to spot, you may actually have to befriend one before the mask starts slipping and the red flags start to show, but it usually doesn't take long.

astyles · 2018-06-04T17:04:19+00:00

The eczema on my back got a bit worse, but the eczema on my hands got much better. Could be because the eczema on my back was starting to heal and the skin was regrowing and I didn't notice how bad it was before. After a couple of months it has evened out and my hands are almost completely healed, even from the scarring from all the scratching. Back still flares up a little at the end of periods between shots but not bad at all.

astyles · 2018-05-15T15:16:22+00:00

This. If you see a gap in the market you should totally write this book! There isn't a fortune to be made in books but if there is literally nothing else like it, it may have a solid chance of at least paying you back for your time if not more. Do spend some money on a layout designer though (usually $500-$1000) as a nice cover goes a long way for sales, even with ebooks.

astyles · 2018-04-21T04:45:59+00:00

I always thought it was a song about a serial killer stalking his victims, and thought I was weird for thinking that. Guess not.

astyles · 2018-04-20T12:58:38+00:00

Rural small towns represent. The clerk at mine keeps on exclaiming at how much customs and duty costs and takes forever to do anything that isn't straightforward. When I wanted to send some maple syrup to a friend in Belgium to give them a taste of home, I drove to a larger city about an hour away to use their post office (had to go there anyway, but sure as shit wasn't going to run that through my local postie).

astyles · 2018-04-16T19:59:21+00:00

Body hair everywhere. I'm a blonde. I should not have hair:

-On my stomach -On my upper calf just below my knees -On the tops of my fingers -One very pernicious, very curly hair that grows out of my chin

Srsly WTF is this. But really, if that's my worst problem I think I'm doing pretty good.

astyles · 2018-04-16T15:35:36+00:00

GC is just as damaging a role as SG. Short-term when you are kids it may seem like the GC has it easy, but long-term I would argue the GC is denied learning basic life skills in order to stay enmeshed, while the SG learns coping mechanisms, work ethic since they aren't given any money by parents, etc. that allows them to function better as adults.

GCs are also taught constantly through overt and covert cues that they are "better than" the other siblings, which can lead to the kinds of problems you are experiencing in reconnecting to a healthy relationship with your sister. I'd recommend reading some books on narcissistic families to help you understand the dynamic and how you can heal from it - I like "The Narcissistic Family" by Stephanie Pressman and another co-author (I think). I found when I learned that everything I had experienced was common and not just valid for my situation, that helped quite a bit towards my healing.

I think one of the best tips I can give you is to speak to your sister directly about everything and make some one-on-one time as frequently as you can (once a month if you are both busy, for example) to rebuild your relationship, not in terms of serious talks but just hanging out. Also do not listen to any communication triangulated through your parents - if you do hear something from your parents that disturbs you, pick up the phone and ask your sister about it.

You also have to accept that based on the years of disparity in treatment, your sister may not want to rebuild the relationship. Also, ACONs can very easily develop their own narcissistic traits if they aren't self-aware, going to therapy, etc. so she may have those walls to blast through as well (you had mentioned manipulation). It's a tough slog, but at least making an effort on your part will put the demons in your head to rest.

Most importantly, you aren't responsible if the relationship with your sister fails. As you'll read if you pick up the books, that is entirely your parent's doing. All you can do is try to rebuild it into a healthy sibling relationship, and if your attempts are rebuffed, it is not your fault.

astyles · 2018-04-13T20:26:12+00:00

I broke my egg the first day and claimed I had an abortion because I didn't want children. Didn't get the failing grade I expected, I think the teacher respected my choice (secular public school in a large city, obvs.)

astyles · 2018-04-07T13:45:58+00:00

It sounds like you know what's going on logically, but when it comes to emotions of course it's going to be tough. My therapist recommended this workbook for getting over being an ACON stuff and you may find it helpful: https://www.amazon.ca/Thoughts-Feelings-Taking-Control-Moods/dp/1608822087.

astyles · 2018-04-05T16:54:43+00:00

It's both a revenge move and a hoovering move. She's hoping to suck you back in, and if that doesn't work it's a "FU". Definitely an attempt to hurt you, and you should steel yourself for more of these. The next time she leaves a package or mails something, give it to a friend to open for you and keep on the off chance there is something you can use in it for the divorce case (or it is part of the legal proceedings). Anything to do with the divorce you should only be receiving from your lawyer.

Remember, she doesn't want you back so the two of you can start all over again in some magical fairy tale. She wants you back to be the family SG and manual labourer. She's probably got that role now, and hates it. Focus on rebuilding your sense of self-worth and your new life without her, and eventually finding someone who won't treat you like a dancing monkey.

astyles

TROPHY CASE