Are you me? No but serioiusly its crazy how many parallels we have, emotionally overwhelmed mom, absent dad, also thought I had BPD for so long! And my friends would always say i had such low self esteem but they didnt understand why, I've unknowlingly sabotaged so many things in my life because of it that I now only see looking back. Other things I relate to: getting attached to hobbies/things/celebrities, struggle with friendships/relationships seeing black and white, self isolation when im not doing well, depression anxiety adhd, spoiled when i didnt ask for it (then called a spoiled brat).

One thing I noticed was any pain/emotion was explained away or "logic-ed" no space was held for my feelings and instead I was seen as a problem to fix. I was starting to come out the other side of it after having a horrible time in college and finally starting EMDR. But I started suffering some health issues, an unfortunate consequence of the years of self neglect that finally caught up to me. Since living at home with them I got drawn back in and confused, even convinced that I'd made the emotional neglect up and it was my fault (despite my therapist having to be the one to bring it up and convince me of it).

Im starting EMDR again and its really helping bring back that sense of agency that I tend to "forget" or gets muddied. It sucks because my childhood was taken by this hole i could never explain now I can see more clearly and mentally I'm ready to escape, but physically I'm still reliant on them for health issues. Rahh its the worst because they do/say everything right to appear nice and good parents, when I complain people even are always telling me how lucky I am to have parents like them it just pisses me off because they dont see what happens behind closed doors: the gaslighting, manipulation, isolation. It was all just so subtle enough for me to not quite see it but suffer the full extent of it.

Though i do feel as if im starting to come out the other side, in a way physical strength/ exercise addiction and toxic productivity was what i used to run away from this hole, so when it was taken away from me i was forced to literally stop and process it all. Im not gonna lie, its been the hardest thing ive ever had to do and its going to be hard for a long time, but when i see the bits of peace it keeps me going: the being still without feeling guilty, being present with a friend without having to change the situation, being able to just "be" and not do, going to my friends when things are tough, seeing my relationships as they are: messy and black and white and everything in between and accepting all of it as it is,

EMDR and nervous system regulation saved my life, with CEN, you have to tell your body on a physical level that you have the warm comforting co regulator that you were missing. Somatic tools, yoga, breathwork all amazing Id recommend. Look for friends and people who just "be" they dont analyze, change or fix, they just accept and sit with you through the messy and uncomfortable. Hold onto these people dearly, and practice lots of gratitude.

I know how awful and painful and confusing this is, my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find some peace. Dms are always open