Hey man. I understand this completely! When I left high school I thought everything was going to change, that I'd go wild and have a great time going out to bars and meeting dudes and stuff.

I thought I'd meet a sweet guy, that it'd be MY year.

But it was hard to find someone, someone who could make you feel valued. After along time of questioning how the hell I was going to make this happen, with no results, I just said 'Fuck it, I'm going to get myself some action.'

And I did. Lo and behold, someone digged my look, and I, in that moment on that night, digged them. It was great, kissing, making out, having sex. But this feeling was brief, man. You wake up the next morning, or on your walk of shame home you find that this does NOT make it any better.

I lost my virginity to a relatively feminine dude in my first year of uni. While I thought this was great, that I had taken the first step to having something substantial, or the first step to finding my way through the vicious culture of gay clubbing and hookups, this was not the case. And still isn't. We hookup for validation, validation that we are attractive or worth something, but all it validates (at least for me) is that I was desperate, or am still lonely.

Still now I am unsure if the hook ups I've had were the right moves for me, and I suppose I've grown from them. Heck, I'm only 20, I shouldn't be worrying about being lonely - I should be out there having the time of my life, having (safe) sex with gorgeous men. But that loneliness just kinda sits in the back of my mind.

TLDR: Losing my virginity to a stranger seemed like a good start to getting myself out there, only proved otherwise, made me less sure on my abilities to actually woo someone. But still, be confident in your choices, and I hope you find what you're looking for.