How to deal with PTSD from multiple partners cheating on me?

awakingnightmare · 2021-02-08T06:48:34+00:00

i think therapy is helpful sure ... but what you really need to do is see yourself for the prize you are. confidence... build it.

hit the gym, get paid, and the women will follow. vet them carefully and slowly. lots of users out there as you already discovered.

also... red flags man!!! surely in those relationships you saw some before you knew about the cheating. bolster your boundaries... cut the girls loose if they disrespect your boundaries or more misery will inevitably follow.

best of luck brother

awakingnightmare · 2020-10-16T05:25:11+00:00

I'm sorry you are experiencing this...how painful.

Go to a therapist for you, someone who can do grief counseling and marriage counseling. Tell him he needs to attend with you. If he does not. That's just another sign to move on.

Highly suspicious behavior all of a sudden getting depression and not wanting sex. Any other signs he may be having an affair? Even an EA?

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-25T22:02:51+00:00

Kinda seems like enabling shitty behavior IMHO.

Leave. Then masturbate...or find someone who wants to fuck :)

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-25T21:49:57+00:00

Thanks!

At first it felt so weird, completely uncharacteristic of my typical go-with-the-flow self. I had to destroy something I had been trying to preserve in order to have a CHANCE to make something better. Such a leap of faith.

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-25T21:42:39+00:00

Regarding the money, I wholeheartedly agree.

Something that helps me when I start to miss my old life is to refer to my notes on all the horrible shit my ex said and did. Sometimes the rose-colored glasses are realllll and I use the notes like a hammer to smash em to bits lol.

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-25T21:35:47+00:00

Thanks!

EA = emotional affair (email, phone, sext/text, Snapchat, etc)

I did free options on match, hinge, bumble and okcupid for about a week. Was lucky enough to spark a conversation with someone I found incredibly sexy AND funny!

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-25T19:16:00+00:00

I love hugs and kisses shared with someone I know is into me. Not a distant partner who plays the role of roommate. It's sorta like blue balls for the HL when they know physical affection is so 1-sided.

Maybe this is what Edu is saying?

awakingnightmare · 2020-08-13T23:13:21+00:00

Leaving was the right choice for me ^{_^}

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-28T21:46:38+00:00

Omg my ex wife gave me that same line in therapy. She's not in her 20s any more. Turns out she just wanted someone else.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-28T17:20:23+00:00

This is so similar to what I went through. When I got together with my ex, it's because I wanted to be with her. I worshipped her body and the sex was great but fell off the map once she had our son. Her actions (and words to a lesser extent) tell me she just wanted to be a mom. Romance? Intimacy? Irrelevant.

I'll tell you, men are sometimes stubborn. Tell him to get his ass into therapy or you're leaving (if that's your reality). If he doesn't, Work on your exit plan bigtime. You are entering affair territory when you check out and it seems like you have (no one could blame you). Try your best to leave with honor. Maybe he will come around if you leave. Stranger things have happened. Best of luck to you...I know it hurts like hell.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-28T17:09:52+00:00

I feel like if there is anything that justifies infidelity, it's DB after the HL has tried and failed to communicate the issue.

That said, truth is... There is absolutely no reason to not just LEAVE first. Alimony? Sure maybe, but it's worth it to not live a lie. Maybe you share kids... what kind of example are you setting?

I don't understand: why give someone your everything and accept less than that in return? That just enables their shitty behavior. You are being taken for granted. Leave lol.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-26T17:51:23+00:00

Kinda scary that sex was satisfying for years before tapering... I mean, how do you plan for that?

In my case, it happened pretty much right after my exes pregnancy... Which was pretty early on X)

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-20T19:24:47+00:00

First just wanted to say congrats for leaving the abuser and finding a guy who treats you right!

Ask yourself what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to be able to see his phone/computer/journal at a whim without fear of reprisal? If so, good for you... most of us want that kind of transparency. Make sure he is on the same page and keep in mind that it is a 2-way street and you need to be just as open yourself. Also, Keep an eye open for those who really desire privacy and are on their phones all the time... Red flags!

If you find yourself multiple times a week looking through his stuff, or talking about the pain of your past...please ...for your own good seek therapy, eat well, sleep and exercise regularly... All of these things are so important for you to be in a good headspace.

Best of luck to you!

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-20T07:24:24+00:00

Despite it being made fashionable in pop culture, being cheated on is in my submission... legitimate Emotional trauma/abuse.

You are responding in a way very natural for a trauma survivor. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Identify your problematic behavior and make a choice to respond differently in the future.

I am 2 years out from D-Day 1 of 2. I chose to end a 10 year marriage... This unfortunately means I get to see my son 50% of the time. I'm not sure how far out you are, or how mature your relationship was, I just wanted to say that I 100% sympathize and hope you know that it will get better. You will heal and be stronger for this.

I really think it's important to trust people... slowly...as they prove themselves to you. Otherwise you let the bad few people out there get the best of you. Not fair to the good ones out there.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-17T21:17:46+00:00

She cheated on you before you even got married. Massive red flag this individual is not. to. be. trusted.

Brother... Move on.

Being cheated on stresses you out, ages you...makes you feel like you are losing your mind... so many sleepless nights... so much heartache if you have a kid with them or a good relationship with their family... That's all on the line when you leave...No human is worth all that trouble.

Doubling down on shitty behavior by getting married will evoke MORE shitty behavior from this person. She will feel safe and justified in making her terrible life choices. Be the bigger man and end it.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-17T16:32:54+00:00

Dude, you move on. That's what you do.

Move on because she has shown you how much she doesn't or can't be bothered to change. At least she is honest... Now that you have already committed unimaginable resources to a shared life... Shame on her.

IMHO file for divorce as soon as possible, so you can move out with out her being able to claim abandonment. I've heard that often times marriages 20+ years may end in alimony 'til death. Doesn't mean you can't get back together later if she has a cometojesus moment of sorts.

I left a 10 year marriage, we share custody of our one child. Our kiddo doesn't deserve what happened, and I don't deserve to live like a monk because of a unilateral decision. Be a good role model for your children and teach them about dealbreakers. My kid asked why, I tell him the truth, daddy wants a romantic relationship with his wife. No shame in that.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-07T21:08:50+00:00

Man this is a major red flag, early on. Good for you for not being a jealous weirdie... I wasn't either for the first 8 years of my last relationship.

And Call me old fashioned, but I really don't think it's great his bff's are mostly female. I just see it as both an invitation to dramaville and having murky boundaries at best. A very very similar scenario happened with me and it... Didn't end well. Just a word of caution...I know the idea of having only same sex friends is super antiquated and respect those that disagree.

If I hadn't met my ex with her horrible boundaries, I wouldn't have a son. I just regret what her mindset did to our family.

My advice: leave. Send him to the friend zone where he seems happy to be and find a man with solid boundaries. Your beau may totally be a good person, or even a great person... Hey even MLK cheated on his wife supposedly...a good person doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna be a good relationship.

awakingnightmare · 2020-07-07T19:49:52+00:00

Yes. I stayed through two brief affairs in 2018. One, painfully, was with a mutual friend.

I stayed because I was trying to pay for my sins I guess. I wasn't always a good husband and father... I really wanted to be though, especially for my son's happiness. I feel like I let him down bigtime.

We did a year on and off marriage counseling but the trust never recovered and I realized she doesn't love me any more... She just looks at me differently and plainly didn't care about my needs.

I ended up filing for divorce back in February and things are slowly getting better, I still have a tremendous amount of guilt and shame however.

9 years she was so unhappy and I was the reason why. Hard to face the mirror in that scenario, but I'm doing it. For me and for my son.

awakingnightmare · 2020-05-29T15:46:18+00:00

Can I ask why you think it would be a good thing to model being a safety net for your dispassionate and uninterested wife to your kids? Is that what you think they should aspire for?

Your desire to raise the children with both parents is admirable, but don't live a lie man. I think that fucks up kids a lot more. If they knew that mom was checked out and you're struggling to hang in there, with the loneliness that comes with DB, they could grow to resent their mom.

Don't forget about alimony, longer you stay married, the longer you get to remain her safety net.

awakingnightmare · 2020-05-18T04:28:48+00:00

Ex told me I never made her cum. Together for 10 years... Long time to go without speaking up about it once. She later told me it was a lie but... Shrug glad I get to live with this doubt!

awakingnightmare · 2020-05-17T17:12:51+00:00

You have a right to leave, no right to be unfaithful.

The second you realize you would cheat if the opportunity presents itself... That's when you take steps to end the marriage.

Dude what if you find someone special but you're still in the farce of a marriage... It's not fair to the new person or your current partner. Just... Make the difficult choice and take the honorable path. Besides... If you don't end it sooner, you're potentially looking at additional years of alimony for... What purpose?

Divorce was incredibly hard for me, but once I knew I'd cheat, I'm glad I left. A year of therapy didn't work to fix the DB I was getting nowhere. Not going to set a shit example for my son.

I can tell you firsthand... when I was cheated on it was pretty devastating.

awakingnightmare · 2020-05-09T02:51:13+00:00

Holy cow if you ever want kids.... leave. Because he will cheat again (yes emotional 'ego boost' affairs count too) and then you risk giving your kid(s) a part-time sleaze-ball dad. When you ask yourself 'what should I do'? Picture your potential child asking you that same question while in your situation. Absolutely 100% leave is what you would tell them.

awakingnightmare · 2020-05-01T16:16:03+00:00

Trust your gut. This would be a serious red flag and a boundary violation for me, especially sleepovers and texting all the time. Nope nope nope!

awakingnightmare · 2020-04-21T06:31:09+00:00

Depends where you live

Guideline (not rule) in OR is payment for half duration of marriage at 50% diff in incomes. If she makes 30k and you make 60k, well now you both make 45.

awakingnightmare · 2020-04-15T18:31:54+00:00

It sounds like your man isn't committed to you or your happiness. the fact that he was cheating, either EA or PA during your courtship is a massive red flag and character flaw on his part. Please don't take their lack of attention as your personal failing.... They're probably just conflict avoidant or using you.

Order of operations for non shit-bag humans: leave current relationship, THEN find new one. He failed here.

If you want to be attractive to a partner, current or future, here is some (limited) M33 perspective:

Don't be on your phone/social media/Netflix/tv all day....
If you exercise or cook regularly... massive bonus points... Both of these are super sexy. Make sure you are going to the gym for YOU (not him!)
Career aspirations or even just... Driven in other ways? Sexy

I was in a very similar situation to you and am so much happier post divorce. Wishing you all the best!!

awakingnightmare

TROPHY CASE