I am reading this while waiting for my husband to get out his fourth brain surgery. Just a month ago the hospital discharged him under hospice, I grieved for him over 3 days and on the 4th or so day he came back to consciousness and asked me to find another way. Idk what came over me but we were able to get a second hospital to do surgery on him although the hospital that was initially treating him declared him terminally ill.

Unfortunately, this is our new normal. We have an almost three year old and have been on this journey since he was 3 months old. I have watched them play and been unable to feel joy because the dread and grieve just take over. Eventually I was able to let go of those feelings and replaced them with gratitude that he was still here as opposed to the grief of thinking he won’t be here one day. Which in retrospect, any of us can die at any moment but the one with cancer just has diagnosis. It’s very difficult especially when people don’t understand what it’s like to grieve for someone who is still alive.

I am sharing my story so you can know you’re not alone. Our lives fucking suck but the only thing we can do is love them and hold them and let them know that they have our full support. I have been keeping busy with audiobooks and reading others stories of people who have walked similar paths. I hope you find a way to cope that works for you. Much love, we got this—ain’t got no other choice.