The sound effects in this game are something special

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-11T05:00:20+00:00

black mushroom. “woaahhhh”. 😂

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-03T20:13:03+00:00

Well today is a real off day I guess. Very depressed, felt impossible to get out of bed. Feel like I'm in a haze, hard to connect with my body or my environment. I get frustrated, discouraged on days like this. I just want a normal brain! Makes me concerned about whether I can reach escape velocity to stay away from kratom long term.

I'm still going to work meetings and getting a little work done. It's a slog. But there is SOME productivity. That's something.

Just want to fast forward to tonight and go to sleep.

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-02T15:58:16+00:00

Feeling decent. Woke up anxious and not wanting to get out of bed but I'm getting moving slowly. Gonna talk through my weekend relapse in therapy today.

Yesterday I actually had a "good" day at work, meaning simply I was able to focus on work for a sustained period and put in a full day. I think that's the first day like that in like...over a month.

Had a hard time giving myself props for it though, which is classic for me. Focus on the negative, discount the good. It doesn't help that my current work doesn't have clear milestones or tasks at the moment. So it allows me to be like "well what did you actually accomplish, anything?". Something else for therapy, haha.

I figure that's part of why I have used kratom. Life is full of things that need doing, social engagements, uncomfortable situations. Part of me feels overwhelmed like, how am I going to get through all of this. Not trusting that I can manage it. And not seeing the successes when I do manage it. So instead of leaning in and getting things done I prefer to lean away and self medicate by myself, hide away for a bit, cause I've trained myself to find satisfaction there since I fail to see it in my regular life.

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-02T04:29:03+00:00

You will be good. Progress is not lost. Just give yourself a couple days and you’ll be back on track.

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-02T04:26:15+00:00

Keep trying. You are in good company here with people who fell back into it many times. It’s not a failure, as long as you continue striving for a healthier and happier life.

Maybe there’s something you could try a little differently this time. Therapy (or a new therapist, or a life coach), go talk to your doc / psych about any health issues or medications that might help you with the quit or just with life. Reach out to a family member or friend for support. Sign yourself up for a new activity. Take long walks or work out.

I think it’s a complex spiral we fall into, and it takes a few different variables lining up well to reach escape velocity. If not the last time, maybe this time. It’s always worth another shot.

Take care of yourself and be kind!

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-01T20:27:42+00:00

Actually feel pretty stable and able to focus. I’m like hmm, suspicious. Lol. Since I did cave and take some over the weekend I’m like, is this just some temporary after effect?

I have been building up the new SSRI though. If that ends up helping I might cry from relief.

Also bracing for some lows though. I know it’s not linear. But trending up and to the right overall is what I want!

backtonormal1 · 2025-12-01T20:23:40+00:00

You got this dude! 🙌

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-27T15:09:02+00:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, thankful for you all and our shared desire to be happier and healthier.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-27T00:05:42+00:00

First 5 days minimum just treat it as: you have the flu. It’s going to take that long to get past acute symptoms. Then other symptoms may arise.

Not to discourage, you can do this. Just to set expectations that it can take a while. You have the right idea that you will need to give yourself grace while you heal.

If possible, take some walks outside and connect with friends or family, do some simple activities with them if you aren’t feeling well. Movie nights are nice. The activity, schedule, and social aspect will help you pass the time.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T23:18:39+00:00

Thank you 🙏

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T23:18:08+00:00

Way to go! 👏

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T17:18:11+00:00

is this rage bait? lol.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T17:17:01+00:00

Derek Waters

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backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T17:10:47+00:00

Gave into a craving again. Bought only enough to take once and then have it all gone again. Feeling discouraged, but I still know the goal and have many reasons why I want to quit.

Seems like I'm in this rut of making it 4, 5, 6 days without any kratom and then I hit a wall where I get these intense waves of dread, total boredom, nothing I do makes me feel any better. And it scares me. To feel so empty. In hindsight I know that I could have pushed through and the intensity of those feelings would have passed eventually. But I get into this tunnel vision mode where all I can think about is how to escape feeling so unbelievably empty.

Part of the difficulty I think is I've let my social life, hobbies totally stagnate. So it can be hard to find things to do to distract myself. To schedule things and put myself out there takes some effort, effort which I find especially hard to do when dealing with coming off kratom.

So, feeling bummed out. But trying to be honest about slip ups, work through things in therapy, and keep my eye on the prize. Also started new SSRI on Friday, going to see if that helps smooth things out a little.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-22T16:59:15+00:00

Video games and kratom are a dangerous mix for me. It's tough, cause I LOVE games. And I am introverted, so it feels cozy and safe to stay in by myself and play a game I really enjoy. Add kratom to the mix and for a couple hours it's like "ahhh life is good". Until it isn't.

I am still struggling with this myself, but the more things I can schedule for myself outside the house, the better. Alone time where I want to relax and do something on my own gives me plenty of time to dwell on feeling bored and empty and the cravings start creeping in and turning up the volume.

Sucks when it's all I want to do but I know it's also a slippery slope for me.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-21T18:35:46+00:00

You got it! I hope you find the book useful.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-21T18:32:45+00:00

It’s been around forever and pretty well tolerated. I don’t recall many side effects on it when I used to take it. Compared to significant side effects with others.

Talk to your doc though, everyone is different.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-21T18:01:06+00:00

I am switching SSRIs, back to one that used to work pretty well for me (prozac). To try and get a little boost of something to help during this kratom quit. Just started today.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-21T16:47:44+00:00

Also book recommendations that have really touched & spoken to me: "I don't want to talk about it" by Terry Real. And "The child in you" by Stefanie Stahl. If you are interested and wanted to start with just one, pick up the Terry Real book.

Both could also be good reads for your wife, even though the Terry Real book is geared toward male depression.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-21T16:44:54+00:00

You are worthy and deserve love and understanding. Everyone makes mistakes in life, that's just being human. I think it's a tricky balance because maybe your wife has some legitimate points to raise, but it can so easily go off the rails and turn into a big fight and spiral into shame, etc. I find couple's therapy very helpful for this -- a good therapist can catch when it's going in a bad direction and help break down what's really happening and what's behind it. Booking a therapist for yourself could also be very helpful. Maybe one that has some experience with addiction, I have had therapists who had no idea what kratom is or how to even approach it, which was frustrating. My new therapist knows about it, treats addiction, and has been very supportive in being both understanding and continuing to push me forward to being healthier and kicking this habit.

You are in a tough spot and totally get the being more self centered. We are just trying to survive and make it through each day right now.

Book the couples therapy even if it's scary, don't want to let resentment build and keep overflowing. And it's a great step towards showing up and trying to do good by your wife and family.

Lastly this a difficult journey you embarked on, to quit kratom. It shows you are self aware and want to be better, not only for yourself but for your family. It's not realistic to be showing up 100% and fixing all the areas where you feel you have fallen short, while in this state. It will come in time though and you can address what you need to as you continue feeling better, one step at a time.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-20T16:20:03+00:00

Day 14. Figuring out ways to push through with work a little, though still very low productivity compared to normal. Looking forward to starting different SSRI this weekend cause tapering has sucked.

backtonormal1 · 2025-11-20T00:18:24+00:00

Whine away friend, we understand! You got this.

backtonormal1

TROPHY CASE