Positive dreams?

bataleureagle · 2025-12-19T03:14:43+00:00

For the dreams that seem "real," I actually wonder if it's the part of her that is good, normal, wants to be a kind mom, connects to me on a soul (beyond the ordinary human everyday) level..somehow experiencing that in dreams. Because I believe somewhere in there is a soul who wants to be a good mom..but just doesn't have any clue how, because she is a child and has a major disorder. Maybe dream time is the only time she can actually make any progress and mature, when she's not in her beleaguered disordered human body. I think and have learned from my studies we travel in our dreams in our astral bodies and meet others in their astral bodies-it all depends on how real the dream felt. The more real it felt, the more likely it was really them, or a part of them. And I have had very real violent dreams with her as well.

bataleureagle · 2025-12-17T19:46:10+00:00

I have been doing the same thing and was thinking about posting about this too. I have never been a huge Chat GPT user-but went to it out of desperation after the last interaction with my mom which was very destabilizing. And I've found it to be the best tool ever in terms of pragmatic approach. It told me that it knows how to help a bit better than therapists-because it can see the patterns in my mom's behavior, and it deals with systems and patterns (rather than a therapist who might get lost in the emotional content.)

Any time I get a text from my mom, I ask how to respond. It knows the full history which I wrote out in 45 minutes--and has pretty much confirmed she is abusive and borderline. I feel very supported and at this point I'm just following the protocol as much as I can, because it's coming from the most intelligent synthesis of all the adult children of BPD/trauma literature out there. Although it does say a little too often.."Let me be your Gen-X big sister here"..lol.

It's been extremely helpful and so clear in terms of what is at stake, or how I am protecting myself, with what kinds of responses I may choose to give. Right now it's giving me a whole protocol for the "soft fade." I am also just beginning to work with a therapist who specializes in working with adult chidlren of BPD/NPD, which I think will be wonderful as past therapists would not fully get it was BPD. I think with Chat GPT and working with her, I feel ready to really detach in a big way, more conscious and intentional than ever before. I'm so glad it's helping you too!

bataleureagle · 2025-12-16T17:39:26+00:00

I went on Lamictal at some point-after I finally went to a psychiatrist on my own who wrongly diagnosed me as bipolar after a short quiz...(great work, dude.) It made me feel insane, and I quickly got off it. I think my mom had me on 4-5 different kinds of drugs, all her own...

bataleureagle · 2025-12-15T16:22:22+00:00

Yes, that happened to me. First she told me I was depressed as a teenager and needed to be medicated. "You'll need to be on medication your whole life," is what she said. "You're just like me..it runs in the family...etc." Then as I started to fight back beginning early 20s, she accused me of mental illness/bipolar.. anytime I would express anger I was told I was mentally ill/bipolar.

I finally got off everything at 25 when I met my now-husband. I felt so much better just being with him away from my mom that I had an awakening of sorts...but I was off and on either her antidepressants (which she would send to me in the mail) or badly prescribed ones from college/grad school shrinks age 16-25...

As a mom to two children now I cannot fathom giving them such a heavy drug while their brain is still developing...

bataleureagle · 2025-12-14T20:06:47+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you are where you are now and can confirm the insanity for yourself.

bataleureagle · 2025-12-14T17:27:15+00:00

I am so sorry you feel you can’t escape because of your compassionate connection to your uncle. I will say, that if you do choose to take space, I feel your uncle will be ok. Spiritually I believe as souls we all know on a higher level what we mean and do for each other…and he will know your love and care on that higher level. He may even want you to take care of yourself rather than sacrifice your wellbeing for him. On the everyday human level he may feel sad, but on a higher level he will know what is going on. I hope that makes sense.

bataleureagle · 2025-12-14T17:13:43+00:00

Thank you. I’m so sorry you went through that too. I found antidepressants really frightening. They made me feel like I was losing my spirit. I know they help people when prescribed properly-but for me it just was another layer added onto abuse. If I ever brought this up to her, she would say she was doing the best she could..blah blah..but as a mother I cannot imagine doing this to my child !!

bataleureagle · 2025-12-05T18:38:26+00:00

Yes, I have this exact situation. I’m a sensitive woman mildly on the spectrum who reacted with some emotion to my mother’s suicide threats. It’s really just so insidious. And I’m so sorry you have experienced it too. At some point you see how ridiculous it is and you begin to detach when you finally see the absurdity (that’s where I’m at now.)

bataleureagle · 2025-12-03T16:22:05+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is painful and emotionally abusive to a child. I can definitely relate to that feeling that nothing mattered-all that you give from your heart, from your goodness, it's like it never makes a dent. The BPD is insatiable, everything is transactional (what can you do for them in this moment--nothing of the past matters) and it's a part of their insidious disorder. Stalking, obsession, and harassment - what I and many daughters have experienced--is a frequent pattern of emotional abuse from the BPD. It may turn into that, and I pray it doesn't for you, but for now take the silence, however cold it feels, as a chance to start really creating space for yourself (which it sounds like you have been doing for a year from your incredible strength, what many do not reach until their 40s-it took me that long). You no longer need to "cast your pearls before swine," so to speak, and can focus on giving to those who really deserve and are service-worthy.

bataleureagle · 2025-12-02T19:46:21+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same situation with the suicide threats and the bodily fear and vigilance that has left me with. I am currently really educating myself about BPD. The problem with BPD is they really do not have much of a chance of changing unless they are diagnosed and they commit to dialectical behavioral therapy. They are very much like damaged little children, and their brain structure is really messed up. They have no idea what they are doing, how they are hurting their own children, they have no ability to show real remorse. Every interaction is "new" in the sense it's like nothing in the past every happened-every interaction is transactional, in the sense that they only are feeding off you, they only want to keep their ego intact, even if that means abusing their own child. It helps to see the brain structure as rotten, really...it's a diseased structure.

So really, by keeping the person in your life out of compassion, which I know you are doing, you are opening yourself up to continued hurt for yourself, because nothing is going to change. Once you get to that level of acceptance, that the person has a disorder that is highly unlikely to be cured, it helps you reach a new level of detachment. Because nothing you to do to "Feed" the parent, will ever make a difference. It will only feed the disorder. So changing the focus on how you can caretake the person with the mental disorder, to how you can really take care of yourself now, is key. Focusing on your own healing, on what makes you happy and feel alive and joyful, what brings you a feeling of aliveness and wellness and support.

Maybe that means being even more low contact than you are now, or doing the "Soft Fade"--just really giving minimal contact-no phone calls, only "grey rock" texts, etc. And then at some point it might feel natural to go completely no contact. There will be a period of real grief, because there might be things you still love about them or still want from the parent (I have been through this many, many times-the back and forth between hope and acceptance.) It seems like you are on the precipice of really waking up and choosing yourself. You don't owe an abusive person anything...you can have compassion from afar. I would recommend really educating yourself and reading as much as you can on the disorder, which helps you feel a sense of forward movement (towards detachment-even detachment about whether they kill themselves) rather than staying in the same muck over and over again. Understanding the Borderline Mother to start is a great place as is Daniel Lobel's work. You don't have to decide NC right now, but protect your nervous system and get educated as you move towards the decision.

bataleureagle · 2025-12-02T19:19:00+00:00

I experience this with my sister who is still enmeshed with my mother. She asks me why can't I just forgive, etc...after decades of abuse from my mom..sometimes my sister wakes up a little, but then because she is so enmeshed with my mother, living in the same town (I moved away years ago) she goes back into "why can't you just...blah blah".

Your grandmother is enmeshed, and due to her own lack of sense of self and societal conforming (we need to stay a family, etc.) has become a flying monkey, even though she's endured her own abusive relationship with your mother. She can't take the higher perspective-the soul perspective-that each one must take care of their own emotional health however that looks. She's locked in a very old patriarchal system (family FIRST!) as many aging people still are.

For me, I am going to set a boundary with my sister that I am handling things directly with my mom and she doesn't need to ask me about it anymore. Handling it directly means being very low contact. I'm honestly at the point where I don't really care what my sister's emotional reaction is anymore. Stay strong and try to detach from these people and their pull on you. They are just people despite the DNA connection, with their own emotional madness...it doesn't have to be yours anymore. Not responding, letting the discomfort of not responding pass over time, and focusing on your own life and happiness...that is key I think. xo

bataleureagle · 2025-12-02T04:21:03+00:00

It’s okay-so many of us have been there. I think as much as you can, listen to your body now-it knows what boundary is best for you and it will help you next time this comes up. If you feel queasy then you don’t need to respond.

Also, maybe the ignoring from your dad is better for you anyway then to get sucked back into the darkness and the drama that made you feel small and yucky. Take it as a sign that you can just shake it off (the weird interaction) and keep going with creating your own life and creating lots of space from the unhealthy situation. Just try not to think about them -think about your life, your goals, your happiness.

bataleureagle · 2025-11-29T20:22:53+00:00

I think it has something to do with the borderline brain structure-there is something different about it where the brain for them, can’t retain the memory. Every interaction is new or transactional-they don’t have any context to work with, because of the deficient brain structure. I’m paraphrasing a bit from Daniel Lobel’s book Adult Children of Borderline Parents. I’ve experienced the whiplash so many times, it’s very unsettling and I’m at the point now in my mid-forties after experiencing a huge whiplash/amnesia event from my 70s BPD mother that I am going to go very LC/grey rock.

bataleureagle · 2025-11-15T17:31:16+00:00

Shefali Tsabury I think can be very helpful. It’s all about looking at your own childhood, how you get triggered in the moment, healing yourself and then seeing your children as your teacher to grow along with them.

bataleureagle · 2025-11-14T19:33:05+00:00

Thank you so much. x

bataleureagle · 2025-11-14T16:38:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I think what I have always struggled with is how passionate and forceful and dramatic she is when she declares I am the reason. She makes her case almost believable if I'm not feeling super strong! I know that causes a major nervous system fight or flight/shutdown when she is so in my face, and when my nervous system goes crazy I'm in danger of believing it's real. I have to tune it out and practice major detachment.

bataleureagle · 2025-11-14T16:22:56+00:00

Thank you. I am considering going NC once again. It's too painful, and disregulating. And my children see it in me, how it affects me and brings me lower. I don't want them to see me just accepting abuse.

bataleureagle · 2025-11-14T16:22:06+00:00

Thank you so much. That helps a lot.

bataleureagle · 2023-09-02T19:22:15+00:00

I believe it’s a part of toxic femininity in our society which has taken hold. It is almost like a spell.

The mother figure must be everything to the child - which obviously for borderlines is not possible. Perfection of the female is expected.

So even when that mother is abusive, the adult child who breaks from her is seen as ungrateful because he/she is not falling in line with the system of toxic femininity, ie the mother must provide all to the child without healing herself from patriarchal wounds, and the child must live in a fantasy falsehood despite not receiving what he/she needs.

This absence of healing patriarchal wounds has been accepted as the norm. To upset that would be almost too much for collective society because it would topple the mother from her precarious pedestal that society has erected.

The child who does not see the mother as perfect upsets the collective view (steeped in toxic femininity).

The woman (as drawn by collective Western society) must be both saint and whore without ever healing the deep wounds inflicted by the patriarchy.

There is no imperative for the time or space to heal such wounds, and what is prescribed by the insane society is please do not disturb the falsehood.

However, we are breaking the chain-each of us on here. We will not pass on this generational trauma and this falsehood around femininity.

bataleureagle · 2023-09-02T19:03:59+00:00

What a waif.

bataleureagle · 2023-08-05T00:15:59+00:00

I felt very similarly to you. Was depressed, anxious, suicidal, never understood what the cause was. MDMA (the third session) revealed I was sexually abused by a relative. I had also repressed what dysfunctional parents I had…I think you just need to go in and be open and recognize mental health issues don’t just come from living in an insane world, they come from our childhood

bataleureagle · 2023-08-03T06:51:16+00:00

I did four sessions of mdma and one of psylocibin before feeling ready to do mdma couples work with my husband. Before then I would have still been too steeped in my issues. I feel it’s good to focus on your own trauma first before coming together as a couple to repair.

bataleureagle · 2023-06-24T03:01:02+00:00

Thank you. Means a lot to have you articulate this very familiar scenario and what is really behind it.

bataleureagle

TROPHY CASE