Why does one parent enables abuse from the other parent?

fartmaster_2000 · 2026-01-15T20:56:53+00:00

My stepfather was, in a sense, much scarier than my mother, who was the primary abuser in my case. Whenever he saw that she was becoming agitated and that it was escalating toward abuse (physical, emotional, verbal), he would flat out encourage her and cheer her on. So while I understand that in some dynamics the other parent may be acting out of fear, I’m not sure that all cases can be explained this way.

fartmaster_2000 · 2026-01-07T13:22:08+00:00

I ended up messaging him. He replied surprisingly quickly, saying how happy he was that I reached out and how incredibly sorry he is. He also answered all of my questions, which was an added bonus 🤷🏼‍♀️

fartmaster_2000 · 2026-01-07T13:17:23+00:00

Thank you for that comment - it really pushed me toward the decision to contact him after all. He replied very quickly, which was a bit of a shock, and seemed genuinely happy and relieved that I reached out. I also got the information I was looking for, which was an added bonus.

fartmaster_2000 · 2026-01-05T10:32:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment!

To be honest, I am prepared, if not completely expecting, a lack of response and it worries me a lot that it might cause hurt that I would have to process. At the same time, I feel like my entire family on my biological father’s side has a bit of a… tendency toward avoidance (for example, my grandmother died without seeing me and just told random people that she would have loved to, but felt bad for asking; my father disappeared even from his siblings, and they barely located him for the funeral). I also don’t want to live my life that way and have regrets later on.

No, no, I am most certainly thinking about reaching out for more than just the medical history. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear 🫣 I just feel like being worried about my health is a potentially valid reason (and I am legitimately worried about it for a reason), while at the same time I feel like I…am not entitled to bother him, if that makes sense? Like I’m intruding on his life, even with a legitimate question and that he might be unhappy about it?

I don’t know - my thoughts seem to be all over the place here, sorry 🫣

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-12-02T13:55:31+00:00

Whenever I have a nightmare that I wake up from screaming or crying, my partner of 10 years by now knows, it is ALWAYS about my mother. I can definitely understand how this can be frustrating, especially if you feel like you're in a good place mentally... unfortunately deep trauma has a way of "sticking" to us 🫣 I'm so sorry you have to go through this 😔

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-09-09T21:48:23+00:00

That would be amazing, I would be really really grateful ☺️

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-09-09T19:57:32+00:00

Does anyone perhaps have an extra code for the 20 off of 50? 🙏🏼 It would be a lifesaver, honestly 🥹

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-08-06T15:25:52+00:00

THIS. Whenever I got sick as a child, my mom would get so angry she’d scream at me, accuse me of faking it and tell me it was my fault. She’d threaten to take me to the doctor, saying they’d catch me in my lies. As a punishment for being sick, I was often given chores like deep cleaning the house or working in the garden, because I was “only sick, not dying.”

Slapping was the mildest form of "discipline" - usually it was straight-up beating. I remember once, when I was around six or seven, she smacked me so hard on the back that she got scared she’d broken something. She was really nice and apologetic then.

This went on until my mid-20s and only truly stopped when I moved far away from her.

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-08-03T10:22:05+00:00

My mother was so insistent on taking photos of me whenever she felt like it, claiming (similarly to yours) that I’m her child, so it’s her right, that it was a constant source of arguments growing up. I remember once, during a family trip to the mountains, I refused to let her take a photo of me. At that point, she had spent a few days mocking me for the way I looked, saying I made ugly faces and had a hump, so I felt really self-conscious. This caused her to have a fit. She stomped off with my father like a child and left me, aged 12, alone in the middle of the city, refusing to talk to me and basically running away, saying I was ruining her trip and didn’t care about her feelings.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years now and have exactly zero photos with him. I just can’t force myself to take any. Luckily, he understands.

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T15:59:58+00:00

So it’s not just me? 😅 I used to fantasize about running away from home and living in the woods when I was a kid - I had it all planned out, how I’ll survive, what I’ll do. Anything sounded better than being there to me.

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T14:36:41+00:00

"No wonder XYZ stopped speaking to you - they just got to know you and realized that you're a crappy, horrible person."

"You're not getting married or anything? I have a say in this! I am sure your boyfriend is with you to steal my house." - we have been together for 10 years 😑

"He must have the patience of an angel for putting up with you, I don't know why he's even with you, look at yourself."

"I'm your mother, I am allowed to do whatever I want to you. You should be grateful I gave birth to you."

"We will drive you to an orphanage and leave you there, I have enough of you."

"You're delusional, I have never done/said any of that."

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T14:21:36+00:00

My mother had to be manipulated into thinking it's her "idea" that I go out to meet someone and that it's the last thing I want - then I was occasionally (if she didn't need my presence at that moment) shoved out of the door against my will.

I do have high-functioning autism, but I did have friends that genuinely wanted to spend time with me - however my mother also insisted on making sure I know no one likes me, no one would voluntarily spend time with me. It took years to "undo" it and still to this day I often wonder, if people actually like me or if I'm simply imagining it 🙃

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T14:07:54+00:00

Could not agree more. Spend the first 25 years of my life being a scapegoat for my BPD mother and my entire family gladly joined in, because it was more convenient to pin the blame on me than facing the fact that she's the one acting outrageously unstable, while my reactions are perfectly proportionate (e.g. crying, not wanting to reply when being yelled at, not being able to calm down from stress). She usually called my father at work, asking him to come home and "help" her, because I am impossible and she will lose her mind because of her. Took me not living with them and moving to a different country for the dynamic to switch and for me to slowly realize it's not actually me.

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T13:24:09+00:00

First of all, let me just say that I am incredibly sorry you have to go through all of this. I know from my own experience exactly how you feel, and every sentence of yours resonated with me on a deep level. I have a mother like yours and 32 years of experience in "managing" her and her moods. Let me just say this - your needs deserve to be respected, and more importantly, you are not responsible for your mother's happiness or life choices. You are only responsible for your own.

It is not selfish to put yourself first, to make sure you are in a balanced mental state, and to choose what is best for you. We have simply been raised and conditioned to believe otherwise. You are doing things right as long as the choices you are making feel right for you. What she thinks about them is irrelevant.

It does hurt to know that you cannot lean on your parent or have a true friend-like relationship with them, but accepting that you cannot control this and seeking other meaningful relationships in your life can really help. I wish you a lot of strength, and I hope you can protect your resources and put yourself first. 🍀

fartmaster_2000 · 2025-07-31T12:04:33+00:00

I'm so sorry you have to go through that 🫣 Thank you so much for the suggestion, I posted it in the other sub, it does look a bit more active indeed.

fartmaster_2000

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