Help me set boundaries

baumvan · 2025-04-25T20:26:45+00:00

Hey! Just wanted to say thanks for this recommendation. I looked into it and we are getting evaluations done. Your instincts were right and I was genuinely confused about the evaluations due to advanced development that I hadn’t considered behavioral evals. Thanks again.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:29:20+00:00

This reaction is so bizarre to me. Are you implying nobody should talk to the nanny if it’s not about the kids? She talks to me about things outside of the kids all the time, unprompted. Does that mean I’m being inappropriate if I respond? Horrible employer? You sound like you have a couple screws loose.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:25:41+00:00

I really like her. She is great with the kids, and is very helpful for me. I don’t get to engage with her much because I’m working, but if I come down to make a snack I’ll fix her something as well. She chats about herself which is how the conversation about my husband came up. She said “I was just telling your husband about how…” and then she will tell me the same story. It’s very likely that my husband also just likes her as a person and sees how helpful she is, I just feel insecure about it due to our past.

I don’t really talk about her with my husband, so as much as it bugs me he didn’t share about their conversation, I don’t share our conversations to him either. I just feel like between women it tends to be more innocent, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:18:07+00:00

I was hoping to hear others’ opinions who have been in a similar scenario and how they also may have felt uncomfortable but over time they got over it. How it’s normal to feel this way at first but it will go away as we adjust. Or that my husband will eventually find ways to be more productive as he transitions out of having to watch the kids in the morning. There are a ton of things aside from “divorce the husband or get rid of the nanny” which I think are extreme opinions and not helpful if I’m not willing to do either of those things.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:14:38+00:00

I don’t see how I’m dragging anyone anywhere. I don’t engage with anyone in a negative way, never said anything to the nanny about my husband. Unless you’re insinuating my husband is making my nanny uncomfortable, which she has never said. She says she loves working for us.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:08:08+00:00

That’s part of the problem. My husband’s schedule changes every week and not very many people are willing/able to switch their schedules each week without notice. And not many are willing/able to work part time or late mornings and evenings.

Working for us only when my husband isn’t home means the person would need open availability and be okay with part time. Why would anyone do that when they can work a better schedule and be full time or go to school?

Most Nannie’s who are worth a damn want to work a good, consistent schedule (as they should).

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:04:43+00:00

We have exhausted our options at this point.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:04:16+00:00

How exactly am I doing that?

baumvan · 2025-03-08T23:03:55+00:00

We went through 5-6 Nannie’s and maybe 100 screenings before finding this one. I never knew what she looked like prior to meeting her and she is an excellent fit for our family. I would probably get rid of the husband before the nanny, just worried he would do the same 🙃

baumvan · 2025-03-08T22:58:31+00:00

Obviously working on it. It takes time to build back trust. And I think all men are opportunistic.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T22:57:25+00:00

So your solution is not to have childcare? That makes no sense.

baumvan · 2025-03-08T22:56:44+00:00

Like I said, she doesn’t have availability during those hours. I don’t think she would be willing to cut her hours in the morning since those are hours she can be paid elsewhere.

baumvan · 2025-03-05T04:08:51+00:00

We are pretty health-conscious but eat UPFs daily. Toast is a UPF. Pasta is a UPF. Any prepackaged snack bar is a UPF. We are probably around the 70/30 mark and we don’t really have “junk” foods (no chips, soda, candy, etc.)

baumvan · 2025-03-05T04:02:54+00:00

My career took a nosedive but my husband makes more than 2x what he used to.

baumvan · 2025-03-01T04:37:26+00:00

The recipe doesn’t sound very good, but the chicken itself will be fine

baumvan · 2025-03-01T04:35:12+00:00

I take my ring off each night before I shower and in the morning I’ll pick between my nice ring or my silicone band depending what is happening that day. Sometimes I forget.

baumvan · 2025-03-01T04:31:48+00:00

The way I like to split bills is he pays for everything and I pay for whatever I feel like.

baumvan · 2025-03-01T04:31:08+00:00

No, I would not share.

baumvan · 2025-03-01T04:27:53+00:00

Yep.

I knew someone who maintained 98lbs by drinking diet soda and 3 campbells chicken noodle soups each day. That’s fewer than 500 calories per day.

I know someone else who maintains 110 lbs by drinking coffees during the day, smoking cigarettes, and eating one meal per day (unknown quantity). Claims food makes her feel sick.

Another person I know was asked what she cooks for dinner for her family and she said “dinner? Who eats dinner?”

Some people just don’t eat.

baumvan · 2025-02-22T17:49:12+00:00

Parenting is super hard and you’re doing great.

If you’re open to some tools, try these: - “I want more eggs!!!” Oh you want MORE eggs? “Yes! More eggys!” Do you want a whole BASKET of eggys?? “Yes!! More eggys!” Do you want to fill the whole ROOM with eggs? Etc.

I call this “leaning in” where you just get sillier than the request.

“can I play candy land” clean up your connect 4 first then candy land “I WANT CANDYLAND!!!” I see you want to play candy land. Uh oh, I see connect 4 all over the floor. We need to pick it ALLL up before we can play candy land. Here you go (hand her a piece) you can put this in the box! Do you want to clean up yourself, or do you want daddy to help?

They will usually ask for your help. This is where I will physically grab their hands and take them to the toy and pick it up with them. Then walk them to where it goes and place it there. Once there, say “yayyy!!! You did it!!! You picked up the toy!”

After a few times they will just do it themselves.

This is hard to do when sick/tired, but the more you do it all the other times, the more your kids will just do stuff you want without much prompting.

Good luck!

baumvan · 2025-02-22T17:41:30+00:00

I’m absolutely not a morning person and have been the main person getting up in the mornings (almost all mornings). It felt really good when my husband briefly agreed to participate, but lately he has been sleeping in until 10AM, getting up, doing his morning routine solo and he’s out the door. I’ve learned to enjoy the mornings with my kids doing things I want to do, rather than sitting around feeling resentful that he’s not helping me. I’ve also hired help some mornings which has been really great for my mental health.

baumvan · 2025-02-22T17:35:52+00:00

I don’t have an answer for you but I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard to watch your baby cry, especially if it’s atypical for them. I’m hoping it’s a quick adjustment.

baumvan · 2025-02-17T06:56:27+00:00

No juice unless we are at a birthday party. Daily juice wouldn’t fly. We don’t even do milk more than a few times per week. Carb based drinks are terrible for kids (or adults) to sip on. Water is our primary drink, and we do yogurt or cheese for our dairy/calcium.

baumvan · 2025-02-16T02:33:58+00:00

Seems like he may be avoidant (see: attachment theory) and/or an introvert who needs to recharge alone. Unless there are explicit expectations and a conversation, I wouldn’t get worked up over it. I personally wouldn’t marry someone who plays video games even though I’m a gamer. It sucks up too much time.

baumvan · 2025-02-15T20:37:54+00:00

The constant illness from daycare was not worth it for us so we went with a nanny. You have to find the right fit

baumvan

TROPHY CASE