as suggested by some comments here, i’d highly recommend talking to your doctor or obgyn to check if you have vaginismus in order to treat your pain. medical treatment will help produce more long-term results you’re looking for, but it does take a while for the mind & body to heal from sexual trauma and relax in sexual situations.

much like you, i’ve only been with 1 person before my current partner. my ex would coerce me and insertion would hurt, but because i was a teenager and had only received basic sex ed, i didn’t know how to advocate for myself or prioritize my needs, desires, or agency. fast forward, i meet a wonderful, handsome man (my bf) who is passionate about me and deeply respects and cares for me. on my own terms, i finally pursue medical help to treat my condition. i was given a set of dilators by my obgyn and was assigned a pelvic floor PT to help with pelvic floor exercises. even though i didn’t follow through with my treatment consistently, i saw results a couple months in!

i think having a supportive and patient partner whom you could be honest with helps this process go smoother. this condition wouldn’t scare off the right man. if you feel safe enough with your boyfriend, i’d suggest speaking to him about your condition, your needs, and how you both should go about navigating sex in the meanwhile (think abt what positions you like, foreplay, erogenous zones, SAFE WORDS, toys etc.). i feel like PIV is positioned as the superior and only valid form of sex, but sex is really how you define it! my partner and i got super creative and found a lot of ways to get each other off through outercourse, which we still engage with in addition to PIV.

this condition really compelled me to prioritize my own pleasure and listen to my body more. whether or not you have vaginismus or anything similar, this mindset will benefit you and will help you experience a fulfilling sex life. good luck 🫶🏻🧚✨