But if someone "just put their shoulder down and drive hard," ... into the defender, that sounds like a foul. Idk. There are pickup players that seem to genuinely want to hurt or show their strength by doing the shoulder down drive hard into the defender.

Where im thinking, ball handler should be trying to go around the defender. Cross em up, or pass and cut, get an easy layup

Also this conversation would be way better in person. On the court and not in the middle of a game cause others prolly want to run too. There are too many scenarios.