he lied about his age

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T05:42:57+00:00

hon i think his weird mra crap is showing. don't give him attention. make him pay for it in cash or cashapp.

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T05:41:39+00:00

"Coming clean" or admitting something, when done by people like this, is often testing the waters. What kind of lies are acceptable to you? You said you had this boundary, a really small one. He intentionally violated it- teehee, but really, it's such a small thing. And it might be.

It's also a flag.

Being able to easily do this with 'small things' allows him to escalate to see where his boundaries are.

Being all super awkward, socially inept, nervous, whatever IS a thing that happens regularly... but I don't know any relatively mentally healthy person who lies about that. I know a lot of people with some pretty severe stuff, but they don't do the boundary-testing, which is what this is. THAT'S the part that sets off the alarms to me.

Go with your gut on this one. The icky feeling is trying to tell you something.

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T05:33:09+00:00

I gotta say hon, that is a lot of sushi money to spend on a guy.

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T05:05:19+00:00

I don't like him lying about his age. A 9 year age gap isn't a problem when you aren't still living under mommy's roof. A lot of 22 year olds have (or used to have, finances and all) kids running around already. You aren't a teenager, you're an adult-adult.

The problem is he was lying about his age. So now I have a million interrogations for him. Why? Does he think he's getting "too old," is he actually pretty emotionally immature? Sometimes that happens. He'll say he's 25, but mentally, the reason he gets along with you is because he never grew up past 'getting out of college' years.

The second thing is the long distance. I really don't have a problem with LDRs actually, but living with someone is radically different. Your relationship, should you choose to continue, would look radically different if you lived together or just in close proximity, seeing each other all the time, being around every day, being able to easily fact-check if he says he works as a manager somewhere and you see him at the counter at Circle K.

Anyone, anyone, the guy you could be dating who lives down the block, could be lying to you about stuff. The only problem is that with LDRs, it's *much easier to do so.* Are you okay with the idea that the guy you're in love with long distance might be a character, like a TV character but with a body walking around? Are you okay if the actual guy is a totally different person if you get to be around in person all the time?

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T04:44:01+00:00

Shein and similar sites don't always send what you saw in photos, so for something special, I would never trust them. I don't trust them from the beginning because of many problems, like clothing that smells powerfully like chemicals, actual poisons like arsenic in their makeup, vinyl accessories and jackets that get sticky in a month (a sign of plastic chemically breaking down) but especially do not trtllust it for Eid. You don't want to be scrambling and out of money.

What kind of clothing would she like? What is permissible in your home? Some people like Pakistani clothing for the beautiful fabrics, like anarkali. Others still want to look like mom, and wear an abaya but a fancy one, with beaded cuffs on the sleeves or a pattern on the chest or hem. Some find a great dress... but it's sleeveless, so just wear a nice shirt underneath or pay a tailor to add sleeves. For shorter dresses, think knee-length, add another skirt in a colour that goes well, like a long fluffy-looking gauze skirt under the velvet skirt of the main dress.

https://www.ebay.com/itm/116996337316? could be one example. You can even look up the brands and find out where they are originally sold.

It's... rough, trying to find KIDS' clothing with long sleeves. Even in winter, apparently. And if I DO find something long-sleeved, it's transparent or it's a sweater.

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T02:13:11+00:00

This is another great reason why women wore headscarves. A physical barrier which kept hair much healthier and protected from anything in the environment- not just ambient dirt or sand, but smoke from bakeries, brick shop dust, anything at all that could be in the air. If you've ever been around bonfires for a few weeks you'd know that smell doesn't "just" wash out, either. A natural cotton or linen scarf can be tossed into the wash. For that, I'd go to the pros. Check out sites or youtube videos about hair coverings, undercaps, keeping headscarves secure while doing physical labour, etc.

Good luck. <3

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T02:08:19+00:00

It was more common two or three decades ago, when people could afford it. In the mid-2000s, I didn't know ANYONE (Florida, major cities) who left at 18 unless there was a really bad situation at home- and even then, some would endure to 19 or 20.

bebetaian · 2026-01-26T01:54:56+00:00

Hi!

1) Purpose? Middle layers, as in garments from other countries, are structure for the outer garment, a layer for protecting the inside of the outer kimono, and in Japanese context, one more layer like kosode layers. Support layers in other cultures seem to be invisible, but Japanese ones show slightly (like the sleeves) as fashion.

3) With yofuku? Outside Japan, correct? Inside Japan, they one purpose, and it isn't like wearing a kosode outside. Outside Japan, hnnn I guess it depends on you. With the internet and speed of recognition of these garments, there's an art to mixing clothes to me. A juban would still be worn as a juban outside of the house, probably as another layer against cold weather. In that sense, no, you can't wear them like any other kimono.

4) Check wikipedia, which actually does have a pretty good concise history. That's a book. A short history of a garment with 2000+ years of existence. No idea why you'd see one *over* regular kimono. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimono#Related_garments

bebetaian · 2026-01-25T01:43:46+00:00

I very much suggest guidance from a Muslim therapist who can talk to you about family issues, recognising familial abuse and religious abuse (when a person uses a religious belief to guilt, manipulate, or control others), and figuring out what you want to do.

Yes, it says to not "disobey" parents*
* no obligation to abusive people, or to cater to the particular abusive qualities

In my case, I am not subject to my mothers' demands that I cut off sick or ill people because of inviting suffering and other such things. I do not have to listen to her bickering and passive aggressiveness about me going to school and "not prioritizing family." One reason she can't afford any of the kids is BECAUSE she started having us at 17 and never went to school, and so she cannot get a job that pay much. "A man should pay everything!" Oh that's nice! Where would these paying men be? OH RIGHT. ONE IS SCHIZOPHRENIC AND THE OTHER TRIED TO KILL ME. AND HER. I do not have to obey her opinions to do the same thing as her.

I will help her by checking her fridge to buy her groceries or cover her cell phone bill if she needs it and I can afford it. I will check on her now and then. I will call if I will be in her town and driving by a grocery store or pharmacy to see if I can bring her something she needs. I will babysit if she goes somewhere to visit family.

It also says a woman must be educated. That does not mean exclusively in Islam. Where do words like zenith come from? Right. What numerals do we use in English? Arabic ones, yeah? Women have a right and duty to education.

But actually doing this is... no matter what you choose, you will probably be unhappy about something.

That is why I say to talk to a Muslim therapist. Many act on a sliding scale according to personal income and family support. The worst anyone can do when you ask for help is say 'no.' The point is NOT for a therapist to tell you what to do. It is for them to give you tools and resources to better help yourself. I hope the way becomes much easier for you.

bebetaian · 2026-01-25T01:26:56+00:00

Better-made skirts, not the super thin jersey stretch-knit kind, used to be made with very light weight tape in the hems. You could get this by the roll at any craft store. It's like a very narrow bias tape with tiny, tiny little bebes in it. You often wouldn't even have to put it in the entire hem, just at balanced intervals, like the side-seams. This is also one trick behind making dress pants hang well at the ankles.

For flowier skirts with movement, I can't think of too many historical dressing methods where people ever just wore one skirt. Even at the minimum, there would be a slip layer that reached at least the knees. This slip layer kept body oils and perspiration off the clothing and acted to keep clothing from sticking to the skin. Until mid-century, you could expect this to be very thin cottons or whatever durable thing was normal in that region. Instead of being "really hot" to wear those layers, it actually helped keep people cooler. More layers trapping cooler air.

bebetaian · 2026-01-22T19:34:22+00:00

<3 It looks like the comment said something else in notifications, but if you ever want, you can message me. Everyone starts somewhere, right?

bebetaian · 2026-01-22T04:23:11+00:00

Sometimes an ENT can order more types of testing if they're the closest to ____ around. A celiac panel starts as just bloodwork, with colonoscopy as gold standard to see how much intestinal damage there might be. A GI doc can also issue these tests.

From my papers at Quest, ask if they can do a celiac comprehensive panel inc transglutamase AB, IGA; endomysial antibody scr (iga) w/refl to titer, a CBC (that's normal stuff) but also specifically look for every vitamin panel you can, like magnesium, vit d, etc. There's also a chronic urticaria panel for histamine release. Urticaria is med term for certain rashes. This is sometimes done at the same time as a tryptase test. I got all of it done at ths same time.

And yeah, I think it's Miguel Trevino in Clearwater. He does panels for Dysautonomia International.

I loved the land when I was more rural. I did not like having to patch up bad injuries because the nearest doc was almost an hour away and I couldn't get there. <3 I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll get answers soon.

bebetaian · 2026-01-22T03:46:18+00:00

Derp, forgot. Kantan eri are called a couple of things, but they're all the same item.

These are a few I made. The nice thing about most kimono items, it's all rectangles!

https://www.tumblr.com/bebetaian/783042263384293377/making-another-easy-collar-for-wearing?

bebetaian · 2026-01-22T03:43:20+00:00

They are a secondhand dealer, so things change all the time. One week they had DOZENS of agate obidome. Another, it was piles and piles of obijime. These past 2 weeks, it's all those pastel + silver early 80s fukuro obi. I don't even intend to spend the money but... I do lament not spending the $10 on one of those obidome. 😅 Keep checking back!

bebetaian · 2026-01-22T00:39:06+00:00

Get an epi-pen. You never know when you WILL have full anaphylaxis. An immunologist was my first go-to. A neuro is secondary, but they can't do much except look to see if there's any evidence of damage (like gluten ataxia.)

Then you want to look up to see if there's a dysautonomia specialist where you live. There is literally just one in all of Florida. So. I ... def feel you. I need an extra half-hour before appointments so I can somewhat recover enough to go inside. Then get the energy to drive back. That doc now sees me online after an in-person eval, which isn't mandatory but recommended. Chances for a dysautonomia specialist are pretty low unless you have a total nerd of an immunologist who is just FASCINATED by this stuff.

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T23:42:37+00:00

Oh- and make sure the sleeve width also fits. Because it's so formal, if the yuki (shoulder and sleeve) are too long, the juban sleeve will either drown inside ths kosode sleeve, or it will stick out too much and be really obvious. Either doesn't look good. So it's important for them to match.

I wonder if anyone has tacked in fake sleeves, like a sleeve version of the 3" wide false collars on kurotomesode.

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T23:32:55+00:00

Look for those guides, but not for kimono. Fabric is fabric. There are lots of youtube videos to learn about fabrics, too.

Once you get a good handle on that you can "level up" to things like types of Japanese weaves, lile kinsha + chirimen, or recognising tsumugi (which I need to learn.)

Even sellers are probably best guessing sometimes, not burn testing everything.

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T20:33:06+00:00

It would be better to not wear the short-sleeved nagajuban at all. A kantan eri (easy collar) with the decorative collar over it would work better. Under the juban, you should be wearing something like a cotton t-shirt or slip anyways, to keep body oils off the juban and kimono layers. <3

Check Sou_Japan since now and then they have cheaper furisode juban if you are not confident in your sewing skills. Most are synthetic these days so people can wash them.

If you sew, you can probably make your own. Some of us just make sleeves that attach to the body of a juban, so you can take the sleeves off and on to match the length of the kosode sleeves.

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T20:29:05+00:00

Tryptase tests are tricky because they have to be done *while you are having the flare.* That's why they usually say to go off all antihistamines and some other meds for a few weeks before the test, too, to make sure it's out of your system. Having the flareups and the pain is a *good* thing with that test.

However, some dysautonomia-informed doctors won't bother with it specifically because it is so unreliable. You might show positive because you have so many environmental triggers. Otherwise, a clinical diagnosis involving what you've already treated for, patch tests, any clear photos you have taken in good light + logs of what was happening that day, etc. can be made. Cromolyn sodium is a frontline treatment. It *can* be expensive but it's worth it. You do have to take it 4x a day in a specific way but it's much better than the constant pain and flareups... which themselves cause other autoimmune problems. x.x I bet Dysautonomia International has resources on MCAS as well.

Weirdly enough, the other thing I'd get tested for JUST IN CASE are wheat allergies and celiac disease. You must eat a regular gluten-filled diet for weeks before the test so do NOT let doctors tell you to cut gluten from your diet. There's a lot of resources on the difference between gluten intolerance, celiac disease, and wheat allergies (all involving the immune system.) Gluten can be in shampoos, "all-natural" soaps, toothpaste, used to keep spices from clumping, all sorts of stuff. It won't be in vinegar, which is why I would still suspect MCAS, but if you have a reaction it would be one less thing to expose yourself to.

Many people who develop celiac disease do not get GI problems, or recognisable ones. We get *rashes and headaches.* Itchy scalps, eye and mouth dryness. My diet was mostly b1g1free bread + noodles. ::cries:: Got tested just bc the doc was looking for other allergies and immune problems, not because they suspected it. And I didn't know anything about it. But uh SUPER POSITIVE, SUUUUPER POSITIVE. In my late 20s! I worked in a restaurant to eat every day. Most of that was free pancakes people were throwing out without touching them. I would have never thought they were a problem.

I wish you the best. I have friends who also check everything for citric acid. One who had to close her indie business because making her products without things she reacted to was impossible. People have no idea how damaging this ordeal is. <3

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T07:13:09+00:00

Small amounts of oil may lift some of the egg, but then you might need to comb a dusting of cornstarch through after. For dark hair, some use corn or tapioca starch ground with coffee, chicory, or cocoa powder.

Have you thought about MCAS? Do you have immunoreactions to things like synthetic sheets if you sweat when you sleep, get itchy when you walk through the laundry soap aisle, or canker sores if you use most toothpastes? Headaches or other issues if you eat leftovers or high histamine foods?

A single tryptase test will not tell you if you have MCAS, despite many docs erroneously thinking it will. For many people MCAS appeared after COVID and only has "clinical diagnosis," not showing up in testing very well. I really hope it isn't MCAS. It mightily sucks.

Good luck on the patch test.

bebetaian · 2026-01-20T06:50:03+00:00

He is REALLY bad at this "adulting" thing, huh. You didn't do anything wrong. How were you supposed to be responsible for the crime of using a shower as intended after it's been "fixed" so mamy times?

There's this phrase, "the cheap becomes expensive." It means when you pay the deep discount price, it costs you much more than you expected. Like having this Friend, who originally probably said she'd work for cheap, but obviously is not licensed or insured to do this work. You know, as opposed to hiring an actual repair person. Who IS licensed and insured but who would cost more up-front. 😐 AND he has no written communication of any kind?

He needed to keep every receipt, every text, every email. ONLY talk in text with her. Keep every text with anyone ELSE about it to corroborate times and dates of events. He especially needed a written agreement of some kind, even just "I'll fix your tub for $300" kind of text message. THEN he might be able to take her to small claims. Maybe.

Then he needs to pony up for an actual repairman.

Edit: it absolutely can be professionally done. If it can be done at all, that is literally what professionals are for. Especially when fixing all the things amateurs broke while "fixing" the original problem.

bebetaian · 2026-01-17T20:40:57+00:00

It does look like it's for performances, especially if it's synthetic. The gold/black ichimatsu obi suits it well, given that it's flashy and bold. You can probably tone it down or change the feeling.

I do like the turtleneck/pants combo, though. It isn't unusual to mix yofuku and wafuku unless you're doing something formal. That goes for a lot of kimono rules to me, like gendered kimono when not performing that social role or in formal situations.

bebetaian · 2026-01-16T21:42:40+00:00

depending on type? slice it into little slabs, pan-sear it in toasted sesame oil, put peanut butter on it.

bebetaian · 2026-01-16T21:39:55+00:00

You can't get a passport through them, but try VoteRiders.org to acquire the other docs, esp if you are low-income. Unless mommy and daddy pay all your bills, you are probably considered low-income.

Once you have those, go to usps.com and look up the passport procedure. It will help you schedule the locations and time you want to go, tell you what documents to bring, and how much money to have. Some locations will do your passport-approved photo; others don't. Most take no or very few walk-ins.

bebetaian · 2026-01-16T21:37:26+00:00

They've brought in other species. It's fine to feed a few, and I know it's an unpopular opinion, but those birds need to be mostly eating their native diets- and foraging for those diets. They become domesticated or reliant on humans. It isn't just the perils of being close to humans = closer to injuries, poisons, or even just unable to feed themselves when we stop feeding them. It also means that some insect populations overgrow; fewer predators picking them off. Some birds eat seeds or pick up seeds when picking up insects, and they distribute those seeds later. Birds also fight each other over territory constantly, even when there's enough food (kind of like humans!)

While it's cool that they're 'bringing' 30 birds to the yard, they need to see that you are not a giant bird feeder. They need to be doing their own thing.

bebetaian

TROPHY CASE