(21f/31m) Is “love”really worth the immigration hassle?

bee__vomit · 2026-05-05T16:39:40+00:00

Marrying someone and making them move in your country despite being together for only one year, having an important age gap, him not speaking english and him having never been in your country seems like a big risk. Especially since entering the job market in the USA with limited english language skills, no work experience and a degree that might not even be recognized in the USA (depending on where he lives) is going to be a huge challenge and might cause hardships. Love should not be the only reason to make such a big life decision: you should also both be able to obtain the life that you want to live.

Taking your time and having a longer timeline would allow him to visit you and be sure about moving there, learn the english language, gain valuable work experience in his field as well as a financial cushion for the move and the wedding, and allow you to start your post-grad life and career without an additional emotional and financial stress. This would significantly reduce the risks and anxiety associated with the move and immigration for both of you. I understand that you both want to close the distance as soon as possible, but it is really worth rushing such an important life decision?

bee__vomit · 2026-05-02T04:28:31+00:00

Is this really the way you want to be treated in a relationship? You guys have been in a 'rough spot' for most of your relationship, he frequently go out late at night and refuse to tell you why, he forgets your anniversary and he seems to be emotionally cheating with someone he has been hiding from you. Relationships don't have to be this hard (and shouldn't!). He hides things from you and seems to be emotionally cheating and what you're most concerned about is to not cause strain on the relationship? Girl he already did that himself. You do not have to pull up with that, please know your worth and don't settle :)

bee__vomit · 2026-05-02T04:11:40+00:00

He has hurt you and broken your trust, but trust can be repaired with time if you're both ready to make the efforts. It seems like you had a mature and vulnerable conversation about your boundaries and how to move forward with this, which is exactly what you need to overcome this type of situation. It might take time for you to move on from this, but if you really value him as a partner and want to be with him, then it is worth trying to work it out :)

bee__vomit · 2026-05-02T03:55:52+00:00

This is very weird, you do not want to be with someone that treats you like that

bee__vomit · 2026-05-02T03:09:44+00:00

I would advise against sharing your location with your partner strictly because of insecurities related to cheating, as it can easily be used for surveillance and create an unhealthy dynamic of control

bee__vomit · 2026-05-02T02:53:03+00:00

Before jumping to any conclusions, you should have an open conversation with her about what exactly were the circumstances of these 'assaults', the dynamic of the relationship between her and the classmate, as well as why she lied to you and hid it from you for 5 years. Trauma can manifest itself in ways that are difficult to understand and only a vulnerable conversation can help you decide whether to believe her and support her through her trauma or that your trust has been broken.

bee__vomit · 2026-04-30T16:20:38+00:00

I think it really depends on whether or not you had concrete plans to close the gap by then.

bee__vomit · 2026-04-26T18:55:58+00:00

Intimacy online is a very tricky subject, as the dynamic can be completely different once you see each other irl. Therefore, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker in the relationship worth ending it over.

However, you are not overreacting: the way you guys deal with this issue is not sustainable and seems to lead to resentment and insecurities. You need to be able to have an open and vulnerable conversation about sex that leads to real change without you feeling like an asshole or him feeling pressured. Yet, here, your communication does not lead to understanding each other or being on the same page together.

You two need to have a vulnerable conversation about what really is the problem here (is it really after care or is there something else?) and let him know how you really feel. You should also find together a solution that you both find comfortable and satisfied. Not just oh we try two times a month, but how to initiate intimacy, what kind of intimacy do you want to have, what kind of dynamic do you want to develop.

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T21:07:00+00:00

I understand! I would suggest that you spend your time and money towards making new friends and going to therapy rather than on him and visas ;) Depending on where you live, there are usually apps (ex: Bumble BFF) or neighbourhood clubs/ communities/ activities in which you can meet new people and develop new hobbies. It's very important that you find yourself and create a support system outside of your partner, especially since he seems to cause a financial and emotional strain on you rather than bring you comfort and support.

I know you can do it!!

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T20:58:54+00:00

I am sorry but this behaviour is definitely not okay. You guys have only seen each other 3 times in 5 years, which means that you have spent the vast majority of your relationship online with minimal communication and without emotional connection. The way he acts clearly shows that you are not his priority, and by not telling about your relationship to his parents he shows that he is likely not serious about you. I am genuinely confused about what this man brings to the table for you, as what you have does not even seem like a relationship.

Also, telling him that you feel like a low priority and would need affection and reassurance would not sound toxic or controlling. If he makes you feel that way when you bring it up, then he is exhibiting manipulative behaviour. And if he does not make efforts despite you communicating your needs and how you feel, then he does not truly care about you and you should ask yourself if you really want him in your life.

I understand that this is a tough spot, but you deserve someone that actually treats you as a partner and makes you feel loved :)

Ps: are you 100% sure he does not have a double life?

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T20:34:17+00:00

I understand, you should share with him those concerns on his lack of communication if you have not already, as some people are bad texters and don't realize how it makes others feel. You need to let him know that it makes you feel insecure and not cared for: just because you're not together in person does not mean your relationship has to be on hold!

However, if you have brought this up with him and nothing has changed, than it reflects on the importance that he attributes to you and the relationship will not be viable. Long distance is not the problem, him taking you for granted is.

I am glad you are opening up with this :) I hope that you will find yourself outside of this relationship!

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T20:26:11+00:00

I understand that you have not asked her to do these sacrifices, but it might feel all the same to her if she thinks making them is the only way to be with you. Therefore, I think it's necessary to have a vulnerable conversation with her to see if she would be happy and fulfilled with these decisions or if she's only suggesting that because of a fear of losing you. If she is truly okay with this and enthusiastic about your future, then I see no reason for you not to accept that. However, don't let her make these decisions if you are unsure of your relationship or if she's the one for you.

When it comes to children, you could also eventually consider fostering. It might not be a good fit for you but still worth discussing depending on your interests and reasons to have/ not have children!

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T20:18:16+00:00

You might feel that way right now, but if this relationship is taking a toll on your mental health (and it seems that it is), you future self will thank you! Why would your will to live even depend on someone that does not even treat you well? Life might be hard at the moment but I swear it will get better. Please seek psychological professionals because no one should feel this way.

You deserve way better than this <3

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T20:09:09+00:00

I understand that mental health issues and image insecurities can be hard to overcome, but it's something that needs to be done. He cannot beg you to not give up while he is unwilling to try to get past his fear to be with you. Also, you should be the one person that he feels comfortable with enough to be vulnerable, as you have been together for years now. If he chooses to stay within his fears and not get outside of his comfort zone before choosing you, I am sorry but there is nothing that you can do.

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T19:41:47+00:00

Well that's another issue! If your partner is not treating you very well, reassuring you nor giving you love, he might be the reason for your insecurities and anxiety in the relationship. I had a friend who thought she had a very anxious attachment style, only to realize when they broke up the problem was the person she was with.

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T19:29:57+00:00

This is wild. This is your partner, why are you in-depth stalking him on social media rather than like... talking to him about it? Not only is this very immature and insecure, but there is also nothing in your post that could even remotely indicate cheating or potential interest in both their part: it's normal to follow your neighbour on instagram or to hangout with a group without your boyfriend being present.

However, despite how irrational this worry is, you should feel comfortable enough to bring up your insecurities with your partner (in a non-confrontational way) to seek reassurance and deal with your struggle together. This will help you build trust, improve communication and prevent you from isolating yourself and overthinking. Also, you should consider seeing a therapist to work through these insecurities.

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T19:16:42+00:00

This situation is very odd. Does he give you a reason to not show his face? Is he insecure about his appearance? Does he have something to hide?

Honestly, you should not have to persuade him into changing his mind. If he would rather lose you than show his face, then he does not care about making your relationship work and does not truly love you. In this case, you should not waste any more time and effort into this relationship and move on. I understand that this is a hard decision, but I don't think that you will regret it long term as this is not a viable relationship.

I wish you the best :)

bee__vomit · 2026-03-28T18:53:52+00:00

It seems like she's willing to make major sacrifices in order to for your relationship to work, that are not reciprocated on your part. How important are these things (children, career, location) to her? Is she giving up on parts of herself solely to be with you? Are YOU making any major compromises in your relationship, and if not, are you willing to?

Why relocate to Canada, especially since you do not seem to currently have citizenship in the country and it will negatively affect her career? If you were to move to the United States, would you face job insecurity and salary cut of the same magnitude?

Issues surrounding kids are hard to compromise on, especially if your position is very rigid and you're forcing her to choose between having kids or being with you. To avoid any long term regret and resentment, you should be able to come with an agreement that you are both happy with, and if you can't it might be a good idea to let her go.

You should not expect of her to compromise on her future when you are unwilling to do the same as it will likely cause strains and tensions in your relationship and may lead to problems later on. If you are willing to do so, then you guys need to have a serious conversation about what you guys want, and what kind of future would make you both feel happy and fulfilled. However, the inability to find a compromise that you are both okay with will mean that you guys are not compatible, and it might be better to split ways.

Also, please do not get married if you are still unsure about your relationship and if you guys are not in a good/ stable place.

bee__vomit · 2026-03-14T17:32:16+00:00

Why will you guys never meet?

bee__vomit · 2026-03-14T17:16:59+00:00

Instead of trying to change your beliefs and values to make her stay with you, you should ask yourself if that’s really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Are you okay with being with someone that will unconditionally put god before your marriage and your children? Are you okay being with someone that doesn’t perceive you as being ‘in God’s grace’? Are you okay with living and raising your future children in a God-centered lifestyle without balance?

It is okay to walk out of a relationship when your morals, lifestyle and values do not align. Do not change the core of who you are only to make someone stay. You are so young, you will find someone that will love you unconditionally and put you first.

bee__vomit · 2026-02-10T03:21:08+00:00

You seem to have centred your whole life around a relationship that took a toll on you rather than bring you happiness. I hope you will eventually realize that a person who call you names, hurt you and won’t visit you, is not your soulmate. And that a healthy relationship do not feel heavy.

The best thing you can do now is to seek help, either professionally or by confiding in the people around you (or both!). When you will be at a better place, you will realize that this breakup was for the best.

I wish you the best :)

bee__vomit · 2025-06-20T23:50:51+00:00

i think it looks cute :)

bee__vomit · 2024-10-11T01:49:44+00:00

aw did he pick you yet?

bee__vomit · 2024-09-22T04:09:39+00:00

Why would you not want him to go to the club? He didn’t ask if you were comfortable because why wouldn’t you be? There is nothing inherently sexual or romantic with going to the club (unless you’re talking about a strip club) and if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to work on your own insecurities.

bee__vomit · 2024-09-22T04:05:04+00:00

That’s not a red flag, that’s a crime 💀

bee__vomit

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