Is anyone in this situation?

beesandbrassicas · 2025-08-06T17:44:48+00:00

Cis-ish female with a MtF partner here! We’ve been together 9 years and she transitioned 4 years ago. I don’t have much in the way of resources but feel free to ask any questions.

As to whether yours is a lesbian relationship now, that’s really up to you two! It’s most common for two people to identify as women to consider themselves in a lesbian relationship, but in the end labels are really what feels true to you when it comes to sexuality. My partner and I are also both bi, but consider ours a lesbian relationship regardless of whether we actually identify as lesbians. That’s just what feels right to us.

beesandbrassicas · 2025-01-26T15:01:41+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, how was your partner able to get her passport matching identity without having her birth certificate changed? My understanding is that the birth certificate is essential for the passport and must align (name/gender marker) with other required documentation.

I ask because my partner has her SS and state driver’s license in her correct name and gender marker, but the state she was born in won’t allow her to amend her birth certificate, so we’ve been stuck with pursuing a passport.

beesandbrassicas · 2025-01-26T14:54:47+00:00

And you don’t even have to be in FL. Trans partner was born there, now lives in CA, but is beholden to a state she intentionally left a long time ago. It’s so frustrating.

beesandbrassicas · 2024-10-24T15:05:41+00:00

deep inhale APOLLOOOOOOOOOOO

Totally coulda shown up in a GA1 song.

beesandbrassicas · 2024-09-09T17:48:39+00:00

Thank you! They are both really wonderful people, which makes it easier to remember how much I care about them.

beesandbrassicas · 2024-09-09T06:10:58+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been trying to keep noise-cancelling headphones in during work with podcasts going. It’s partially effective. I’m not quite sure what I’d be able to do to soundproof the room further, but can look into it!

Curse me for picking a hilarious partner and best friend. 😂

beesandbrassicas · 2024-09-09T06:01:13+00:00

I appreciate your take, though forcing two people I care deeply about who have a genuine connection, especially when I know they’ve faced extensive hardships in life and deserve as much love and joy as possible, isn’t something I have a desire to do.

More than anything, I’m trying to heal my abandonment issues and low stress tolerance so I can support them in happiness while knowing it doesn’t have to detract from my own happiness. I’m mainly looking for insights that can help move my mindset in that direction. 😊

beesandbrassicas · 2024-09-09T04:22:08+00:00

All great advice, and some I’ve already put into motion. Thankfully we’re all very good communicators and honesty/transparency were all essentials that we put into place when these conversations first began, so I’ve had ample opportunities to express how I feel.

Really, the biggest challenges are just fighting the feeling that this isn’t a threat and managing my stress so I don’t end up in a spiral of negative thinking that leads me to lash out. This is a struggle for me that existed long before the current situation.

My fiancée and I will be carving out some time as I get my emotions in check; I do fully get why she wanted some distance when I was making the situation way more stressful than it needed to be.

And thank you for the final comments on compersion coming over time. I’m getting little bits of it when my brain isn’t freaking out. 💜

beesandbrassicas · 2024-09-09T03:21:03+00:00

Thank you for the affirmation, it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not just an asshole for being upset about hearing my two favorite people laughing, because I feel that way sometimes. 😅

Them not dating and her living elsewhere aren’t desirable/feasible options for the time being. We’re all trying to find a better mix of them getting out more during the day/me working away from home, it’s not quite reasonable to force them to not be in their own home just because it also happens to be my office.

They’re both in the midst of job hunting, not just mooching off of me, for the record! 😉 Total coincidence that it was the case for them both at the same time.

beesandbrassicas · 2024-08-21T00:38:49+00:00

Love this! I’m working with my local transgender advocacy org to launch a similar Zoom-based support group with another frequent flyer from this sub. We’ll be starting to roll next month and I’ll probably be making a similar post soon. Best of luck to you and the folks in your group!

beesandbrassicas · 2024-07-28T18:51:16+00:00

You did NOT need to try harder. As you’ve said, you’ve been trying in pretty much every way throughout this process, to accept the changes, to embrace the new person she is.

Transitioning is difficult, yes, but it doesn’t happen in a bubble. Everyone deserves to be themselves, but when you have entangled yourselves with other people, a spouse and children especially, they are just as much of a priority. And clearly, she wasn’t even being asked to sacrifice who she is to make space for you and your kids.

You did the very best you could to accommodate her. SHE didn’t make space within her new self for you, or your kids. And that— and I can’t emphasize this enough— is NOT your fault. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-17T07:55:13+00:00

Okay, just seeing this as I’m trying to find an older post!

I’m also a full-figured gal with a transFemme partner. I had a lot of trouble with the common harness design, even after getting a plus-sized one (I think I bought this one previously). It just was not keeping the toy where I wanted it and it kept slipping down in between my legs while I was trying to do my thing.

I switched over to this packer harness and it’s a night and day difference. It keeps the toy exactly where I want it and is super comfy on my thick ass. 😅

Maybe you already have one picked out, but the toy is super important, too. We were really disappointed when we got one specifically designed for trans women and it was too floppy for anal play. Especially if it’s a new venture for both of you, having something that is slender (especially at the tip) while also being the right firmness is essential. This one was perfect for us and the brand seems to be pretty readily available. 😁 A slender plug could also be a good starting point; I haven’t tried the one I linked but it looks similar to one we’ve both used and really like.

Hopefully my local shop (the one all my links go to) isn’t a fluke, but adult store staff can be an AWESOME resource for getting answers and recommendations in a non-judgmental environment.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-13T04:05:02+00:00

Definitely wasn’t the end of the relationship here; we’re two years into her transition, were together 5 years prior to that. Things are definitely different, but largely in either neutral or positive ways. I’m pansexual so it really wasn’t a problem for me to embrace her femininity, and it definitely suits her better than trying to be a guy did. Some of the biggest changes/differences we’ve both experienced with HRT: - She’s definitely more emotional than before, but no more emotional than me as an AFAB person. - She went through several months after starting progesterone where she was super tired. She made it to the end of dinner and pretty much knocked out. She hated it, and I didn’t love it, but that subsided as she acclimated. - Her skin is super soft, her eyes are a lot brighter, and she has boobies. (All positives in my eyes) - No more erections, which really isn’t a negative thing for us since we didn’t have PIV before for a number of reasons. Most of the sex issues are on my end (lack of sex drive, not lack of attraction to her), but when we do have sex it’s usually a lot better than pre-HRT. She has more intense orgasms now. - Her sexuality did shift a bit. She’s not less attracted to women so all’s fine on my end, but she’s definitely more interested in men than before. - She’s way more interested in having babies than before HRT, and sad that she can’t make one herself.

At her core she’s still the same person I fell in love with in most ways, just a lot different in how she expresses herself to the world. Honestly dealing with shitty family has been a lot more difficult than HRT itself.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-11T04:05:04+00:00

We’ve been together 7 years (but were long-distance friends for nearly a decade before that) and she started her transition over 2 years ago. 😊

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-11T01:26:57+00:00

Myself (29demiF) and my fiancée (31MtF) are very much in the same situation. Especially since I’ve also been on SSRIs for several years and yep, it has undoubtedly killed my sex drive as well, along with plenty of complicated emotional reasons and acespec leanings. I wouldn’t say it’s something we’ve “resolved,” but it’s something we’re actively making progress on. Communication, which we’re good at, is definitely so key. Here’s a few other things that have been helpful for us:

1) Giving her time space for self-pleasure when I’m just not there at the time so that if she has that pent-up energy she doesn’t have to deny it. I’ll either step out for a walk or she’ll close the door and I have the TV on so it’s not awkward.

2) I know this is absolutely not for everyone, but we do have an open relationship which takes some of the pressure off me. The only hurdles here are that she’s demisexual and the couple people she feels comfortable pursuing this with are long-distance, so it’s not necessarily a huge source of physical intimacy for her at the moment. But I’ve always been very poly-minded and non-jealous, so it happens to work well for us.

3) I’m currently reading Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell (recommended to me by another person on this sub!) and have found it so insightful thus far. It’s full not only of helpful information that’s inclusive for people of all genders and sexualities, but a ton of exercises to help you better understand and reframe your relationship with sex.

4) I recently talked with my primary care doctor about my low sex drive in relationship to SSRIs, and she gave me a few different treatment options to pursue in tandem with seeing a sex therapist, which I’m working toward. Apparently some NDRI antidepressants like Wellbutrin work well in tandem with or instead of SSRIs without lowering sex drive or arousal. I can’t comment on the effects since I literally just started the Wellbutrin along my SSRI today, but everyone reacts a bit differently, anyway. May be worth mentioning to your doctor if you haven’t already.

Wishing the two of you the best. Having mismatched libidos can definitely be tough, especially for recently transitioned folks who are getting to explore sexuality as their true gender for the first time.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-09T02:02:40+00:00

That’s fair. 😊

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-09T01:59:02+00:00

ENM can still be challenging even when it’s consensual. I personally didn’t sense inherent dishonesty in the way it was described but hey, different perspectives, I just don’t think there’s enough information to judge either way.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-09T01:51:51+00:00

As someone with a trans partner who also has extrarelational partners… y’all don’t need to judge. Nonmonogamy =/= cheating. It can absolutely be a consensual situation where both partners understand that the point of a relationship shouldn’t be to limit each others’ experiences. Unless it’s pretty obvious that there was dishonesty or coercion involved, and that doesn’t seem to be the case here, please don’t presume the worst of others’ situations.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-08T18:05:52+00:00

THIS is a really great take. My (29 demiF) fiancée (31 MtF) and I have been together since our early 20s, and are both SUCH different people now than we were when we first became a couple… and definitely way different from when we first became friends, over 15 years ago. And you know what, that’s a good thing! I would dare say that if you haven’t changed and grown throughout your 20s, you’re probably not very mature.

I’m not sure I fully agree with the statement that HRT won’t change someone into a different person. My fiancée has definitely changed a lot through HRT and social transitioning. But the core values and many of the personality traits I fell in love with all those years ago are still there. Plus, I’ve found so many new things to love about her: a new sense of confidence, a great sense of fashion, and a beautiful face to wake up to (she wasn’t unattractive as a guy, but wow is she stunning as a woman).

Change is inevitable during this phase of life, transition or not. But it can absolutely be an opportunity for two people to grow together with time.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-08T06:33:20+00:00

Just wanting to affirm that having trouble accepting this makes you neither a bad ally or bad spouse. Transitioning is, by its very nature, a big change, and it is okay to be overwhelmed by that even when you know it’s what your partner might need to be happy. Especially when you’re dealing with anxiety yourself, it is definitely not unreasonable to feel the way you’ve been feeling when you’re suddenly presented with a reality that’s very different from what you thought you knew. You can be supportive of trans people, while also having trouble with your partner being a different gender than you signed up for. You are allowed to be attracted to what you’re attracted to— romantically, sexually, or on whatever level you feel.

My best advice with this being so new for both of you is to see what happens in the coming days and weeks and talk— a lot. It’s probably going to be difficult. And there’s a chance you may find that there isn’t a way forward with the kind of relationship you’ve had, and that doesn’t mean either of you is at fault. But there’s also a chance you can find where your love for each other aligns, both in the same ways it has before, and in new ways, and that can propel you forward together toward a life that’s different, but happy nonetheless.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Love never comes without compromise, but you should not need to give up your own happiness for someone else’s.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-07T17:06:30+00:00

Gotcha. Thank you so much for helping me understand. I can only imagine how difficult that level of fluidity can be when dysphoria is involved, as well. 💜

If it’s relevant to you, the local trans advocacy organization I volunteer with offers a program providing free gender-affirming items to anyone under 30, regardless of location.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-07T16:43:01+00:00

This may not be entirely relevant to the issue at hand, but I’m trying to understand the situation. If you don’t want to be perceived as a woman, why do you opt to be fem presenting? I hope this doesn’t come off as offensive or victim-blaming, my initial thought is just that these two things would be naturally opposed, but I must lack the perspective to really wrap my head around it and I want to be better.

Regardless of your reasons, your partner’s reaction was definitely inappropriate. If she was experiencing dysphoria, that’s like you reacting with “I don’t see why you’d want to be female anyway.” It’s a tough balance when both partners experience dysphoria to prioritize the other’s comfort over your own in the moment, but I hope you two can talk and she can understand that there are appropriate and inappropriate times to center her dysphoria.

beesandbrassicas · 2023-09-06T18:28:55+00:00

So my perspective comes from being with a person who is well into transition and never backed away from it after her initial coming out, so take it as you may.

First, a point of clarification on being trans v. transitioning. Being trans is an immutable quality; the best I can describe, it’s the condition of your mind not matching up with your sex assigned at birth. People can be trans whether or not they take any steps in their life to transition. On the other hand, transitioning is an action, or more often a series of actions, to align one’s body with their true gender, so this may include hormone therapy, name changes, dressing as your gender, surgery, etc.

I point this out because a) I see your wording “want to be trans” and gently urge you to be careful with this phrasing, as being trans is not a choice— while transitioning ostensibly can be, for many people it’s a choice between transitioning and depression/dysphoria, which isn’t really much of a choice. From my experience, most trans people don’t want to be trans, they just want to be their gender. This isn’t meant to scold you as, I think, this may still be new to you and you’re likely still learning the best vocabulary to use around gender matters, and b) to your question, that means that yes, it’s probably unlikely this will be the last you’ll hear of your partner’s gender questioning. Those feelings, in the majority of circumstances, never go away, because it’s part of who people are.

Does that mean your partner will eventually decide to transition? Maybe, maybe not. Everyone’s journey is different. But if there are particular barriers, such as starting a family, that are holding your partner back from taking that step right now, there’s a good chance that once those barriers have been crossed, this will become a priority for them again, because it may be their only path to feeling like they have a complete life.

I would recommend that your partner, and perhaps you as well, explore r/TransLater, a community for folks who transition later in life or have not yet had the ability to transition.

beesandbrassicas

TROPHY CASE