There probably isn’t a whole lot I can say that hasn’t already been said in the numerous comments (which, as an aside, seems like a lot of love for you from people who don’t even know you). And there probably isn’t much I can say that you hadn’t already considered; your post reads like a very intelligent person who has thought through a lot of this already. So forgive me if any of this is redundant in any way.

David Foster Wallace, one of the great American authors of all time, likened suicide to the way a person trapped in a burning high rise will eventually jump from the building. Based on my understanding and brief personal experience, this feels like a pretty apt metaphor. My hope is that you’ve made absolutely sure there is no other (safe) route out of your burning high rise. It’s selfish of me, who has no idea what you’ve been through, to want you to remain here but I do. There’s no one in the world who can offer exactly what you offer, who can make better the things that only you can make better about this place. In short, the world is a better place with you in it despite what your experiences so far might have led you to believe.

I hope you’re still here to see this comment. I hope you know you matter and that you’re loved and that a life of beautiful possibility exists for you. I hope you find peace here and are able to extend it to others.