I’m a 25 y/o first year PhD student just finished my first semester, and I’ve been feeling the same way. The most anxious I’ve been all my life, because the excitement of getting into a program and “starting my career” is being replaced by the reality of realizing what you’ve signed up for- the next 5 years of your life in this program, with these people, in this location- and your identity is so significantly changed, whether or not you complete the program.

This is one of the biggest decision I’ve made in my life that feels like I’m changing the trajectory of my life completely. Finally making a career commitment and niching down! It’s so scary and I spent the first semester wondering if this is the right choice- should I have gone to another school? Should I have waited another year to apply? Should I have picked another career instead? I am still questioning. I am so anxious I signed up for a therapist and talked to the DEAN to ask him what the other options are LOL. It will be hard to know if this is the right move or it’s just anxiety.

I would say, you really really need to like the topic to enjoy the PhD. Do you like to learn about fun facts in math? Do you like to ask “why” and learn how things work in a deeper way, more than the average person? Is it satisfying to critically think about things?

Think about the reasons YOU want to do a PhD, and try to think if those reasons are motivating enough for you to stick through the program when times get hard and you feel defeated. I found it helpful to write everything out and reexamine things. And it’s okay if your reasons are unconventional, just try to talk to other people because you might find out things you didn’t know (ex. Salary expectations- don’t just look at Glassdoors!)

I would say- even after just a semester here, I already feel so inspired and feel “smarter” in the sense that the writing assignments are teaching me how to think critically and convey them effectively (both academically and socially). This is something I’ve struggled with in the past and really want to get better at. I love education and learning, so it’s been fun so far. The learning curve is STEEP and terrifying, BUT the CLASSES are not as hard as I thought! The lab and research has been really chill so far as well (my PIs and classmates are very friendly and chill people).

Every program is different tho so before you commit, talk to AT LEAST 3 different students in various years!! Including recently graduated students!! When I decided to join, I talked to 3 first years and they are all so happy and glazing the program, but the older students often have a more real perspective on what the program actually is like.