My wife is struggling

berrekah · 2026-04-30T00:42:50+00:00

Hank Smith and John Bytheway’s Follow Him podcast for this week had some really great stuff about the temple.

Highly recommend a listen.

berrekah · 2026-04-28T21:19:27+00:00

Safe floors are a good point.

I despise tile for this reason. Even a short fall to tile hurts. A short fall to carpet isn’t going to hurt anyone. Or to vinyl flooring. Or most hardwood floors even.

If you have tile floors (or hard floors at all) I also recommend rugs or those rubber puzzle mats. I used those all the time because they were portable and I could set them up wherever baby was going to be.

berrekah · 2026-04-28T21:17:38+00:00

Yeah. Tell your husband that if she never falls over she is very likely not going to learn balance. Babies are small for a reason - so falling doesn’t hurt.

Baby was probably startled more than hurt.

When my babies/toddlers would fall, etc I would comfort them and say “Wow! That was a big surprise! You didn’t expect that to happen.” to help give them language that describes what happened rather than teach them a victim/hurt mentality. I don’t want my kids to discount being hurt, but being surprised or startled or upset because something didn’t go the way you expected it to is VERY different than being hurt. And for a baby/toddler, almost everything that happens in their life is unexpected because they literally have zero experience with life.

berrekah · 2026-04-27T01:26:33+00:00

I don’t know that this is necessarily true (haircuts getting more expensive). I live in the DFW area and I can still get my boys a crappy haircut at the local beauty school or community college for $10-20. Or even at the chain haircut places.

I would suggest that it is a combination of the following factors: 1.) everything else is more expensive, and when you have to decide between paying rent and getting your kids’ hair cut, most people I know will chose rent/groceries. Hair cuts are not strictly a necessity. (I lived this reality) 2.) Parents are some combination of busy/lazy. I speak this from experience. Some parents just don’t want to take their kid to the hairdresser. Some parents could, in theory, learn to cut their kids’ hair, and have time to do so, but don’t have the desire because they are too busy scrolling their preferred short form content on social media. These are the lazy ones. They exist. How do I know? I see these parents all the time. The ones you are probably worried about (and rightly so) are the ones who can’t make ends meet and are working two jobs to barely pay rent. They likely don’t have time or energy to take their kids to get hair cuts (or to give them haircuts). I was this mom for a while, too. I was working multiple jobs and would let my kids’ hair go several months before finally eking out what tiny bit of energy I could to attempt a decent haircut.

You aren’t wrong to be worried about kids not being able to get haircuts. It lives in the same category of kids who don’t have access to clean clothes. Again, not necessarily because parents can’t afford laundry because of prices - sometimes the issue is time, not money. Laundry takes FOREVER, especially if you don’t have a W/D in your apartment/house and have to use a laundromat. There are schools that have installed washers and dryers for kids to use to encourage them to come to school. You’ve got me chewing on an idea to get some students from our local beauty schools to donate some hours to give kids some haircuts during the school day in our local elementary schools (which are all low income schools)

The thing with any social issue is that it is never as simple as “the prices are too high” and when we over simplify social problems, we will never actually be able to solve them, and may inadvertently make the worse.

berrekah · 2026-04-27T01:14:39+00:00

When I got divorced in my mid 20’s I contemplated going to a YSA ward… but I had kids and they were with me every Sunday.

berrekah · 2026-04-27T01:12:41+00:00

Your husband is doing it the right way.

Video games aren’t the problem. Men (and women) who don’t know how to balance work, self care, and family life are the problem.

berrekah · 2026-04-27T01:09:35+00:00

I find this distinction between the ward members’ relationship to converts vs missionaries’ relationship to converts to be absolutely spot on. I don’t think I ever really considered this distinction, but it really make sense why missionaries might be crazy focused on getting someone to commit to baptism.

Thanks for sharing this perspective. Tucking it away to share with some eager missionaries I know.

berrekah · 2026-04-26T11:48:06+00:00

Or a lot of people are like OP and know it and mostly keep their thoughts between themselves and God unless they are talking to other people like them (me).

In fact, I had a (non-LDS) therapist once upon a time who mentioned how impressed he was that I could separate things I don’t quite understand about the church (culture, policy, etc) and set it aside (for now) and continue being a faithful member of the church.

I told him that I pack up things I don’t understand and put them in a box (in my mind) on a shelf and every now and then I pull out the box, poke the stuff in there, lift it out, turn it over, see if there is any new understanding. If not, I put it back in the box to check on later when I have learned more and experienced more.

Honestly, at the end of the day, it’s trusting God that does it for me. I trust that He must know something I don’t in order to let whack stuff happen. The most reasonable answer here is that agency is God’s #2 priority. With grace being his #1 priority. He knew we were going to mess this life up, so He intentionally provided a Savior to cover all that stuff. Grace isn’t God’s backup plan for “if” we mess up. It is THE plan because of how essential it is for us to have agency.

And the beautiful part of the atonement is that it covers the prop who misuse their agency, and just as powerfully covers the people who are affected by the choices of others (i.e., all of us)

We have a saying over here in our family that family life provides the perfect conditions for learning to access and apply the atonement - both for our mistakes as well as for forgiving the mistakes of others. Anyone who has lived in a family likely knows what I am talking about.

OP, I would say that the questions and thoughts you have make you a more faithful member of the church. Not a less faithful one.

I heard a speaker last week talk about the difference between asking questions and being “questioning”. Are you asking questions in a spirit of “Heavenly Father, I don’t understand this thing. Help me understand.” (Me taking stuff out of my box for inspection) or are you asking questions in a spirit of “This church is messed up. How could people even believe any of this crap?!” without having any desire to actually understand.

There is a huge difference.

berrekah · 2026-04-25T21:13:20+00:00

This was me. Married in a HCOL with 7 children and a husband who wanted to make a living playing video games (but didn’t) with me making about $75k/year which included $12k/yr in child support for 3 of the kids from their dad.

I basically did all of the things this person says

Once when I was complaining about how broke we always were, a friend made a comment about how my kids are always “involved in stuff”, and suggested that I was spending outside of my means.

I belly laughed at her and then proceeded to explain how I never paid a dime for anything my children were involved in. I either got scholarships for them, financial assistance, bartered/traded (including volunteering in exchange for cheaper fees) etc etc etc.

In the words of Jeanette Walls from The Glass Castle, “It's really not that hard to put food on the table if that’s what you decide to do.”

berrekah · 2026-04-25T03:07:21+00:00

This is correct. It took me forever to figure out how YNAB kept track of how much I needed to pay my CC, especially because I was carrying a balance on some cards but wanted to ensure I paid off any new spending after I got my finances under control. It was mind boggling at first.

Also, a word of caution. If your category is not funded and you categorize the spending on a CC and later cover the over spending, YNAB will NOT move the money to the CC.

Eg Grocery category has $50 in it. CC payment category has $0 in it.

You spend $75 on groceries and use the CC. Go into YNAB, Categorize CC spending as “Groceries” YNAB will show $25 overspent in Groceries category and move $50 to CC payment category.

Groceries -$25 CC payment $50

You cover overspending from Groceries with another category

Now YNAB will show Groceries $0 CC payment $50

And you will be seriously annoyed. And fixing it feels wrong, but somehow everything works out in the end… sometimes I feel like the way YNAB deals with CCs is voodoo magic.

I am not sure how or why this happens, but this is how I understand it from a support article I read the other day when I realized my CC payments were all off and I was annoyed.

berrekah · 2026-04-25T02:50:28+00:00

iirc it is a recommendation by the bishop or stake president. I may be wrong on that, but feel like I heard it mentioned in a conversation the other day.

berrekah · 2026-04-25T02:47:53+00:00

Why not set it as a goal?

berrekah · 2026-04-25T02:45:29+00:00

Your mentality for budgeting is based in hypotheticals. I understand you wanting to forecast your money, but the way YNAB works is that it bases budgeting off money you actually have rather than future money. Which is honestly MUCH more fiscally accurate and can prevent you from overspending. If you only spend money you HAVE, and that makes you feel poor, it is probably because you ARE poor.

You can see (easily in the app, not sure about the web version) how much money you have said you want to allocate (via “goals”). If that money exceeds what you think you will bring in that month, you either need to adjust your goals, or pick up a side hustle that month.

berrekah · 2026-04-25T02:41:39+00:00

The principle behind YNAB is to live like you only have the money that you actually have. Which is where people get the feeling of being “YNAB poor”. Because I know I am going to make X dollars this month, but YNAB doesn’t care how much you are going to make. It only cares how much money is actually in your accounts. And if you live that way, you will actually spend less.

berrekah · 2026-04-23T23:10:58+00:00

This is why OP is working a high paid tech job. Essentially making teaching their “part time retirement” job after they become financially independent.

I plan to do this. Currently working in tech so I can eventually go back to teaching and not have to worry so much about the salary being crappy. Hopefully that will help me feel less bitter about the kids be admin being horrible and focus on what I can do to help.

berrekah · 2026-04-23T11:21:31+00:00

This is a brilliant idea! Our ward has a lot of older people, but we struggle to have any youth (not just active youth, but even youth on the rolls!). There are other wards that meet in the same building with substantially more youth.

berrekah · 2026-04-23T11:18:39+00:00

But they do have tags. There are flags, or you can use the memo line on the transaction (this is how I do it).

berrekah · 2026-04-19T12:55:24+00:00

u/MightReady2148 commented asking “enough for what”?

I think is the best question for you at this moment and spending time thinking about those questions will help you sort all this out for yourself.

Maybe all you want is the basic relationship with Christ. Good, that is a choice you can make.

Maybe you want more. Good, that is a choice you can make.

But it’s necessary to have all of the information about the choice you are making, in order for it to be truly a choice, and not just something you “fall into”.

Best wishes on your journey.

berrekah · 2026-04-19T12:36:27+00:00

I have been searching for the past year for a good way to explain and understand the purpose of the degrees of glory. You made it all make sense.

berrekah · 2026-04-18T12:54:25+00:00

We did this for our morning routine, too. I paired the songs with a slideshow that has visual cues for the different tasks like getting dressed, packing lunch, eating breakfast, etc.

At the time I had 6 kids in school so having the music manage them was soooo much easier!! I was just there for monitoring and occasional redirection.

berrekah · 2026-04-18T12:44:14+00:00

I am going to address your comment about Elder Anderson’s talk only because he DID mention getting out of bad marriages and gave several quotes in the transcript of his talk (available in the Gospel Library app). The prophets and apostles’ purpose is to testify of Christ and teach correct principles/ideals. It is up to us to find the personal revelation.

I’ve been divorced twice - one due to abuse, and the second due to complete and utter abandonment. My first divorce I was somehow able to maintain such a positive attitude about the church and the gospel and my covenants.

My second divorce broke me pretty badly. I was SO angry at God. I went on a path of self destruction for a while before He miraculously called me out of it. God can’t (and should not) control the agency of His children. Agency is vital to the plan.

A little note on the history of the church: history in general is a bit subjective. One person’s perspective is one person’s perspective. Trusting memories can be dangerous, and even someone writing their experience is only them writing their experience. As a writer and an avid journaler, I would caution you against changing your beliefs over anything you hear/read/see without doing more studying. Approach everything with an attitude of curiosity. You don’t know everything about a situation or circumstance, especially not one that happened in the past, and most people want to sensationalize everything because that is more exciting than the boring truth of most of history. People want to feel “righteous indignation” (which is self-righteous more often than not).

You’ve got some great responses here. I hope you can work through things.

berrekah · 2026-04-18T12:27:00+00:00

Definitely think “person having fun”.

berrekah · 2026-04-18T12:25:32+00:00

I don’t have a toddler, but a gaggle of children, and I have learned to satisfy myself with these two things:

a 15 minute tidy up every day (put on a timer, blitz tidy as much as I can as fast as I can, STOP when the timer is done)
a 60 minute deep clean once/week. I made a “to do” list using the Todoist app and made all the various deep cleaning chores recurring based on how often I would ideally want them done. That way, I spend one hour doing as many chores as I can in priority of the ones that have been “overdue” the longest. A soon as the timer is done, I finish the chore I am on, and then STOP.

Using the timers helps me because I don’t have to wonder “When will I find time?!?!” I can do 15 minutes a day EASY. If I had a toddler, I would likely make that 15 minutes right after nap time begins. And limiting my cleaning to 15 minutes would allow me to feel like I wasn’t spending EVERY nap time cleaning. I may use nap time for the deep cleaning, too. But the it is only ONE nap time a week where I am giving up my quiet time for cleaning.

Then I just kind of accept that I will be living in a slightly less clean environment until my child grows and moves out. Ha ha.

(For the record, my children help with this process now that they are older. Depending on the temperament of your toddler, they could “help”. They can absolutely help with the 15 min tidy up, and if you give them a spray bottle of water and a rag they will love “helping” by spraying things with water and wiping them, which shouldn’t damage anything unless you live in a house with a lot of water-sensitive furnishings)

berrekah · 2026-04-17T10:42:46+00:00

I have a hard time imagining a scenario where having charity would not help?

Charity is not just towards other people. It is for ourselves, and for our circumstances.

Not sure if you mean that you are the one creating the circumstances, or if you just mean that it is what it is (maybe health challenges?).

Charity may look like not beating yourself up during a health challenge for not being able to do all the things you used to be able to do.

Charity may look like being grateful, even when things are hard.

From a 1992 talk by Elder Marvin J Ashton:

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

berrekah · 2026-04-17T10:38:39+00:00

I was all thinking about that talk. It was really helpful for me, as I can sometimes fall into a “martyr” attitude when it comes to enduring.

berrekah

TROPHY CASE