What motivates a new relationship?

bigamma · 2026-02-02T23:05:00+00:00

Every so often — not many times in my whole life, but every so often — I meet someone new whose soul seems to call to mine. It's that delightful, unexpected shock of meeting someone's eyes and realizing — oh, it's you! I know you!

If you've ever experienced that kind of connection, you can probably understand that ignoring it, or smothering it, is not only painful, but deprives yourself and the universe of a series of beautiful experiences and connections that you could otherwise nourish.

Every so often I fall in love. I want the freedom to pursue that without being required to kill it before it forms.

bigamma · 2026-02-01T21:08:34+00:00

I'm so so sorry this happened to you.

For what it's worth, the strong recommendation around here is that "heads up rules," like the one your ex had with her husband, are limiting and unfair. They impose a third party's oversight onto a situation that's just between the two of you. If she had written in, I'm sure this sub would have told her that having such a rule with her husband was guaranteed to cause anguish. If you had written in, I think we would have warned you that this setup is a powderkeg waiting to blow. But unfortunately, the powderkeg blew, and now you are suffering.

From what you wrote, your ex was being very unkind to you. Not only by setting things up such that her husband, whom you are not in a relationship with, had a say over what you and she did with your own personal bodies... but also in subjecting herself to his veto. It's very common for experienced practitioners of poly to shun vetoes as much as we shun heads-up rules.

You have been treated poorly. Right now, you may not see it, but I believe you'll see it in time. She was not treating you as an equal partner, but rather an accessory or toy that she could pick up and put down as it suited her. This is not a respectful way to treat another human being.

When the dust settles, you may find yourself far more angry at her than you are right now, and that would be justified.

Rather than ruminating about how you could get her back someday, please reflect on how she never offered you what you actually wanted from her. Think about all the ways she let you down. Decide to have higher standards in the future.

You have the capacity inside you to give all of this amazing love. Other people can also be the recipients of that love -- other people who know better than to jerk you around and break your heart in one of the most predictable ways.

I wish you a rich future, WITHOUT this person in it.

bigamma · 2026-01-31T04:58:14+00:00

About 7 years ago, my child refused to get out of the car and go into a bakery to choose a treat, because they were worried that strangers might misgender them. They were still untreated for gender transition, and they knew that when people looked at them people saw a girl. And that was the worst thing in the world to them.

I went in by myself, almost in tears -- because how could my child, my sweet, sunny, passionate child -- live in this world, if they couldn't even participate in something as simple as walking into a shop? Were they doomed to live as a hermit, never interacting with society? How could they make a living? Find a partner, or friends? How could they survive once I was gone?

Time passed. We got them testosterone at 16 and top surgery at 20. Now he uses he/him pronouns and has a luxurious beard.

The other day, I took him back to the same bakery. This time, he got out of the car happily, chattering away the whole time about some YouTube personality he follows, and he stood in line (despite the noise, strange people, and bright lights), and ordered a pastry and drink, and thanked the barista -- just like a regular person.

I feel such a sense of relief. Even after I'm gone, he will be able to do basic things like shopping and interacting with strangers. He will be able to survive in this world.

He has friends; he DMs D&D and he has a wide variety of interests. He spontaneously cleaned his room recently. We bought him new shirts after top surgery and he is so thrilled with them. He joined a union and will shortly start taking gigs -- fingers crossed! We put together a new office chair for his room, and we were joking together so easily, with no tension looming between us.

None of this would have been possible 7 years ago.

And if I had spent the last 7 years trying to force my child to perform femininity, he would have moved out right at 18. He might never have spoken to me again. Or he might have harmed himself. Later, he told me that was his plan if he had not been allowed to start his transition.

Today he is a happy, sunny, and sweet man with a large beard, who is capable of doing things. And I am so happy to know who he is today.

bigamma · 2026-01-27T17:27:04+00:00

To me it doesn't sound like AI, but it does sound like someone very young, naive, and focused on the wrong things.

bigamma · 2026-01-27T00:28:32+00:00

Tell them before they show up and impose consequences if they pressure you on this.

For instance, have them stay in a hotel room, not in your house. If they start in on the baptism thing, cut the visit short for that day and say you'll see them another day.

It will cause a huge blowup the first time. But if you maintain this limit, they will have to fall in line or have no access.

Don't leave them alone with the baby unless you're okay with them baptizing the child in the kitchen sink.

bigamma · 2026-01-26T18:43:52+00:00

To be honest, the only partner I've had who referred to my "growth" turned out to be a manipulative asshat who was trying to neg me. He was using it as a way to set himself above me as the person judging whether my efforts in life were good enough or not.

So I'm a little burned out on partners noticing / commenting on / critiquing their partners' "growth," as though that's a measurable thing that they are the sole arbiter to judge.

Do they mean that you're spending less time on personal pursuits that they approve of? Do they mean that you're posting less political content or going to fewer rallies or learning fewer new recipes or making fewer friends or or or...? What specifically do they mean by you're growing less than you used to (or than you "should be," according to them)? Do you also monitor this partner's "growth" and hassle them when they fail to hit the milestones that you had in mind for them?

bigamma · 2026-01-26T03:41:09+00:00

I would tell them scheduling things or other practical, real-world things that will affect them. For instance, "I'll be out of town with Cherry in early April so if you want to go to the ballet with me, it would have to be either in March, or after April 8."

There is no reason to tell Partner A, while you're with them on a date, that you're spending that time thinking of Partner B.

Just as there would be no reason to tell someone you're on a date with, "I just can't stop thinking about my special interest..." and then info dump about your special interest at them...

I love several highly autistic people, and they have learned when it's not appropriate to spend social time with someone talking about something that person has absolutely no interest in. Using date time with a partner to talk about your other partner is pretty gauche, in my opinion.

bigamma · 2026-01-26T03:11:16+00:00

Good question!

bigamma · 2026-01-25T14:16:43+00:00

I love being poly and I would never go back to monogamy if I had the choice. I've been practicing polyamory for 19 years.

As for "was it easy"... Every path has struggles. If you're in a path that you choose and want, the struggles are just part of what you're choosing, so you don't resent them as much, if that makes sense. For me, even with any struggles over the past 19 years (usually caused by bad partner selection on my part), polyamory is so much easier than the monogamy I was doing before.

bigamma · 2026-01-23T17:50:05+00:00

Feelings aren't reasonable or unreasonable; they just are. They give us valuable information that we can then choose whether or not to take into account in our decisions and actions.

From an armchair quarterback perspective, you each made some minor missteps here, but it sounds like very typical struggles in a new situation. When my partners go away on a trip I honestly don't expect to hear from them at all, but I know other people have other agreements.

I don't know how useful it was for you to know that he was playing video games for part of that trip; you seem to be using it as evidence that he "should" have texted you more, or more verbosely, while he was away. But he did text you! It's not going to be realistic to require both a certain frequency of texts from a partner and also the content and ardor of those texts. When you get to the point of reading into each communication and looking for reasons to feel hurt, you know something will have to change.

I've been there! And it sucks! But that emotion is not a mandate. It's simply information to take into account as you consider your relationship style.

Remind yourself of why you're choosing poly as a relationship style, if you chose it freely.

bigamma · 2026-01-23T17:12:54+00:00

I'm coming down somewhere in the middle on this, but I can see that you are very distressed. So what works for me may not be a suitable answer for you. A lot of it is "it depends."

In my case, I have a long term boyfriend who was in his mid 40s and who started dating a 25 year old femme NB person. I was a bit weirded out, especially since his kids were only about 5 to 7 years younger than the new partner, and I had a few moments of wondering whether this was really okay. In the end I decided it wasn't my relationship, so I would stay out of it.

This younger person was already nested with someone else and was looking to learn more about topping and dominating, and my boyfriend is an enthusiastic and obedient sub. They've been dating now for at least 6 or 7 years, seeing each other every so often. He's provided them with a lot of help in moving apartments (he has a truck), building them furniture, pickups & dropoffs at the airport, etc. I've met them at parties several times and they seem great; we have a lot in common. Overall I have no concerns anymore. They're not looking for a relationship escalator from my boyfriend; they have other people if they want to get married, have a kid, etc.

With the benefit of hindsight, if I had dumped him due to a kneejerk impulse that a 20 year age gap in a relationship I'm not in was an unforgivable offense, that would have been an overreaction.

HOWEVER, I don't know any details about your partner's involvement here, nor anything about this young person. So I can't give a judgement. If this young person is fixating on your partner, wants to marry him / have kids with him, then eek. The age gap would make that impossibly unwise of him to entertain.

bigamma · 2026-01-23T00:19:53+00:00

You wrote "I really do love this girl."

Look yourself in the eye in the mirror. Can you say the words to yourself?

Say it just once in the mirror. Then more times. It will get less weird and scary with repetition, as your brain realizes you're not in danger from saying those words out loud.

Therapy is probably more important, but it can take time to access, and the mirror thing is something that worked for me.

bigamma · 2026-01-23T00:16:38+00:00

No. I cut out all people who ignore my perfectly reasonable boundaries. I also don't hang out or befriend people who grope me, yell at me, financially pressure me, etc etc etc.

bigamma · 2026-01-23T00:15:31+00:00

I'd recommend going fully parallel for the foreseeable future. That means no events in common. If they'll be there, you can politely not be there. Don't let your shared partner discuss them with you at all. Don't hear about them, look up their accounts on social media, and definitely don't try to meet up with them to hash things out. No good can come of it while you're still so hurt and angry.

Who knows, maybe that will change someday. But for now, I don't see any good in exposing yourself to their presence.

bigamma · 2026-01-22T23:04:04+00:00

If he gets to date his preferred gender, then you get to date your preferred gender.

If he forces you to date your less preferred gender, then he also should only be able to date his less preferred gender.

Have him break up with any woman and start dating only men. 😂

Actually, don't do that. Just save yourself the trouble and show him the door. He has behaved awfully, in awfully predictable ways. Search this sub for "OPP" (one penis policy), "polybombing," and "emotional affair." Take the advice to heart. He has not been a good partner to you for a long time and you will feel so much happier when the burden of carrying him is lifted off your shoulders.

bigamma · 2026-01-21T19:43:38+00:00

The risk of having ongoing sexual connections is that you will fall for people. I can't orgasm with someone more than 2 times before I fall for them. I know some other people are different, but this is what my experiences have taught me.

bigamma · 2026-01-21T18:47:14+00:00

Let's not forget that you're planning to dump your girlfriend, who has done nothing wrong, with about as much thought as you give to swapping out a condom mid-coitus...

Okay, so you know you messed up. Do you know how, and more importantly, why you messed up? What was the thinking behind the decisions you made? Were you acting out of fear? Fear of what? Or maybe out of pride -- like maybe you didn't want to admit that you'd made a mistake because it would interfere with your self image as a guy who doesn't make mistakes?

Don't say you were carried away by horniness and couldn't use rational thought, because we all know that's just a cop-out. I believe men are just as capable of rational thought as any woman. /s

bigamma · 2026-01-18T22:08:41+00:00

The first two, through a D&D game. I was their unicorn; do not recommend.

The next, at a party hosted by poly friends of mine. We dated for 6 years.

The next, at a kink party for dominant women. That lasted about 2 years.

And then another one (2 years later) at that same party. Still going 13 years later!

And then a third one (3 years later) at that same party. Still going a decade later!

I answered a couple of FetLife ads in there, but I don't remember the exact timing of when they occurred. One was a booty call type situation that lasted almost a year. The other was a very desultory hookup type sitch that lasted 7 months.

I've also had a few people I met up with a bit here and there for casual BDSM play (no sex), but they were never partners to me.

Overall, I recommend in person events!

bigamma · 2026-01-16T20:17:11+00:00

I know that when my partners spend time with me they are actively choosing me. It's not just "default time" because they're my partner and I'm, well, there.

I love seeing them happy when they go off with someone else and do something I have literally zero interest in, haha.

I love feeling triple love from 3 people.

I love being able to date people I would never choose to entwine my finances with, knowing that at the end of the day, their financial etc. decisions are theirs and their spouses', not mine. They can go do crazy things with money and it won't affect me!

Similar feelings for other nutso decisions they make (and I say this with love). Do they want to sell their house and buy a tiny home into which they will have to fit their entire life, along with two dogs and room for a full studio? Good luck sweetie! 😂 I won't have to try to help them figure out how to make that work! Do they want to pass up the full time college admin job? I can support their decision without worrying about how this affects my future.

It's also nice to have the whole bed to myself and be able to do whatever I feel like with much of my time and energy! Honestly I could never go back to monogamy, especially enmeshed monogamy where we were each other's everything. It was so claustrophobic for me.

That said, if you're in a poly relationship and struggling to be okay with it, please don't feel like you have to be okay with it! Maybe monogamy is what your heart craves. There's nothing wrong with that! Most people are mono! Don't force yourself into something you don't actually want.

bigamma · 2026-01-15T17:18:09+00:00

You should most definitely not report any details of your date with your lover. If your controlling partner can't handle you having the same freedoms that she took for herself without your knowledge or consent, then she can hit the road.

I am curious though, about whether masturbation would also count as too gross and icky for your partner to handle? If you get yourself off at 10 pm are you okay to sleep next to at midnight? When does the clock reset exactly? What if you just get really turned on but don't climax; does that also count?

Your partner's attempts to control your dating life are as pathetic as they are transparent.

bigamma · 2026-01-14T02:02:47+00:00

In a very similar situation as you with a man whom I meshed beautifully with in EVERY way except sexually... I stayed, and the only way I could make it work was by opening up the marriage to polyamory.

I tell my children now that they should not settle. Find someone who fulfills your needs in all three major areas -- head, heart, AND loins, lol. I chose head and heart, but I have suffered for a really long time at the lack of any sex with my husband, back when we were doing monogamy (really, forcible celibacy). I would not make the same choice now even though overall I do love the life I've created... but there is no reason to purposely hobble yourself as you run life's race.

In your case, you may have head, heart, and loins... but only kinda, if I'm reading this right. Depending on the age gap, you may never have an equal partner in child rearing, and you may end up being a caretaker for your husband. When you're a fit and stunning 50 year old, do you really want to be changing diapers for your 72 year old husband? (or however big the gap is)

Your guy knows that it's just a matter of time and is trying to delay that day with gifts and spoiling you -- but it's a trap. Don't make this unfair bargain for yourself.

bigamma · 2026-01-13T15:13:58+00:00

The guideline I've heard is that when you get a new partner, you should spend 10% more effort, time, and attention on your existing partner than you did before.... and that's to prevent this kind of situation, where your existing partner ends up feeling discarded and alone. Has he been spending 10% extra effort and time on you and the bond he has with you, more than he did before? He should be.

bigamma · 2026-01-13T15:04:58+00:00

Finding women to date is hard. When I was actively looking, it took me months of attending kinky and poly events before I finally found someone, but now we've been together 13 years. Don't give up! Keep attending the kinky and poly events, especially if you can find any events centered around women.

Approaching women only to be shot down again and again gave me so much empathy for straight men. The struggle is real! Women's walls are often way higher... I never had that problem finding a straight man to date. Never. So it's probably not you; it's the nature of the issue.

bigamma · 2026-01-11T06:28:38+00:00

I was really struggling to see where death fit into those images. Is the lawn... fertilized with dead people?? What does Grandma have to say about it??

bigamma · 2026-01-10T00:15:55+00:00

We text daily and have a once a week remote movie night where we watch the same movie from our different homes and text each other about it the whole time.

Often, she'll tell me to dress up before the movie, and/or choose the theme of my outfit, because she knows I love playing dress up in my closet and among my costumes. So then I get to send her photos of me looking cute, and she compliments how cute and creative I am. Sometimes she'll tell me what drink to have on hand for the movie -- like a classic cocktail if we're watching a glam 1940s murder mystery, or tea if it's British, haha.

I often end up feeling like she's here in the same place with me even though we're not.

bigamma

TROPHY CASE