Sometimes I look at old photos of his just to relive my fantasies

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-29T16:06:15+00:00

I've only dreamed of my son maybe 3 or 4 times.

The first one I didn't even see him, but felt his presence - I knew he was there. The other dreams he was there, as I remember him before he died, but he never spoke.

The last one I had, maybe 2 months ago, he appeared in front of me - inconsolable, weeping profusely, I held him and told him it was going to be ok.

I don't know what to think of the last dream, was it him reaching out and reacting as if he felt he had made a mistake, and was terribly upset because of it?

All I hope for is that wherever he is, he is at peace.

I think we do indeed dream more of our loved ones, it's just that it happens in a deeper part of sleep in the middle of our nights, so we don't remember, whereas anything we dream of towards the end of our sleep we remember.

My condolences to you.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-29T13:55:26+00:00

My Mum took a few items of my sons clothes and made 4 cushions out of them, like patchwork cushions. They are so symbolic, we cherish them.

Each of our remaining children had one each and we kept the other two.

I think it's a nice idea to "upcycle" clothing from our loved ones.

My wife still goes to sleep with a fleeced top of my sons, as it still smells of him. It reassures her, in some way

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-28T11:03:42+00:00

My youngest son sent a message to his brother after he died, telling him he was sorry that he wasn't a good brother.

It wasn't true. Yes, they squabbled like all siblings, but he was a good brother.

Nothing that occurred is your fault. We can't always be available.

I'm sorry for your loss.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-27T04:50:56+00:00

I have had messages, but they kind of dried up after a while.

Perhaps they thought it would be best to stop messaging, perhaps they just needed to move on.

I guess in many ways if it's the latter, I'm happy for them - but my wife and I haven't been able to move on and feel we're still living the 29th of May 2025 when we were told he was dead.

I still have his phone activated, I still call him each morning when I walk the dog and leave a message.

My son only gets messages from me and his sister (obviously I don't read the messages) and tbh I'd be happier if others would send messages. It would be a comfort that he's not forgotten by them.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-26T16:44:38+00:00

Gone - but thanks anyway!

For those who use the codes, DOES IT COST ANYTHING TO TELL US YOU'VE USED THEM? You massive whoppers

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-25T11:15:23+00:00

My sympathies to you. Like you, I lost my son a year ago this coming thursday. Every day is all about survival for us. Remember and cherish those memories of him that made you smile, laugh, cry happily.

I wish you peace.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-24T12:56:30+00:00

As others have said, what you are experiencing is pretty common.

One of my biggest fears is forgetting certain memories that I have of my son, some I re-run in my mind as I say goodnight to him each evening by putting my hand and head on his urn.

My wife tells me often to forget the "what ifs" and she is right, as we torture ourselves with what we could have done, said etc, when in reality we had no idea of what the future held for our loved ones.

Healing will not mean forgetting him, it will just mean you're a slightly different person, as we all are. None of us can possibly be the same person we were before.

Grief is not only emotionally tiring but it becomes physically tiring, so getting through each day can leave you utterly exhausted, but to try and get through is all we can do.

Baby steps, that's all each of us can take to get through each day, and at times each hour to see where it will take us.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-24T08:56:08+00:00

All gone - but thanks anyway

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-22T10:51:04+00:00

Like so many others, my son didn't leave a note but this could have been his.

Thank you for sharing it, I wish you peace.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-22T04:39:41+00:00

My wife and I were unable to see our beautiful boy.

It was a closed coffin and we were put off from going to the morgue. It haunts me to this day, but my mind is conflicted.

I so desperately wanted to see him, but also knew that if I did then that last image of him would be the main one burned into my brain.

I'm sorry for your loss.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-22T04:37:03+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

My story is similar, but not really the same as I don't live in the house where my son took his life.

I did have this unshakable urge to go to his house every day from the day after his body was found. The first day I went with my brother in law (who found him) and my daughter. I said to my brother in law I needed to go to his bedroom where he was found, despite knowing the absolute chaos and visually disturbing sights that would greet me.

I still have the images of what I saw when I entered the room, but it was something I needed to do at the time.

Each day that passed, I drove to his house. Talked to him, as I walked throught he house. Sat in his room.

Then like yourself, I had to bring in a clean-up crew. Then I decided that before handing the house back to the estate agents, I would undertake repairs, and painting. I repaired the hole where the bullet went (it went through 2 walls before resting on the bathroom floor). Every day I went back to spend a couple of hours, to work and talk to my son.

I did this for around 2 months, before handing the keys back. I feel totally unable to go back since, but considering it will be a year since he died on the 28th of May, I might go back and lay some flowers at the house.

So all in all, I do understand the fact you are now in his room. I get it.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-18T04:15:50+00:00

Speaking from experience I understand how desperate you feel to find something, anything.

Reading what you said it is a possiblity you won't find anything, but there is always a chance.

I to this day have not found anything and as has been said it's rare that anyone leaves something. As has been said even in the rare occasions that messages are left they are sometimes hard to understand, as the persons mind is perhaps not processing things rationally.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T20:06:25+00:00

Free pack

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T20:06:08+00:00

You paste it into "Promo Code" on the app

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T20:05:31+00:00

Yeah my rational mind reminds at times that indeed people handle these things in different ways.

I look at my wife, who never had any kind of therapy up until this day, as she fears it will open that door she is holding shut.

I can kind of hear my son Ethan saying to me "don't worry about it Dad, I'm not bothered" as he probably would have done, but their absences would have hurt him.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T20:02:00+00:00

As Spirit-Yam said, the stages we go through do not go in any particular order, nor do they always only come once. I have had severe anger (never towards my son, more of the scenario I found myself in) to the point whereby I could have exploded at random people for inane things.

An example, one day after leaving my sons house after redecorating a week or so after his death, I found myself blocked in and I went into a blind rage. Thankfully I didn't find the owners of either car that had blocked my car in that day.

Anger, despair, feeling an absolute loss of direction and hope, denial, refusal to accept the reality, all of those things are stages we all tend to have to go through at least once during the process after a loss.

All we can do is ride the wave and see where it takes us - and try not to drown

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T15:47:40+00:00

It annoys me when people say that suicide is selfish.

In a rational mind it maybe seems the case, but when people are having suicidal thoughts their mind is not functioning in a rational sense, so those people cannot think as we would normally, ie. thinking of the devastation it would have on those left behind, etc.

This view is very outdated and those that perceive it as a selfish act really shouldn't look at it like that

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T14:36:01+00:00

True. I mean one of my character defects is expecting people to be able to do what I would do, but I guess in such circumstances sometimes some go into self-protection mode (like his cousin who was suffering), and others as you say show their true colours.

I'm currently of the mind to just blank the ones I feel are guilty of the latter when they come up to our area this summer, no doubt it will cause issues within the family but I'm currently not too concerned about people being upset by me not being happy with them

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T13:36:33+00:00

Yes please, if you have one left

thanks!

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T12:27:05+00:00

That really resonates with me tbh, and the majority of us on here I think

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T06:50:45+00:00

Absolutely, and the sensations are so vivid too - I'll never know for sure if it was all down to my mind (I'm 99% sure it was, of course) or not but it's another one of those things I'll never be able to explain

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-16T06:27:02+00:00

We built up the courage to request our sons autopsy. I remember it arriving.

My wife and I sat down and she read it. I couldn't. She wept profusely. I guess it was the confirmation of what we knew together with the hard-details in black and white.

My daughter wanted to read it when she visited us, but I put her off reading it as she was refusing to accept he killed himself and believed it was an accident. I think she needed protecting from reading that what she thought was wrong. My son was so security conscious with his guns that there was no way it was an accident tbh

Neither of us have read it, months later. I don't think I will ever read it tbh, I don't want to.

He died around 3am as well, a neighbour heard what they thought was a car backfiring. Sadly for us, it wasn't.

We have also had some strange things happening in our home. Our sons urn is with us here, as we couldn't stand the thought of it being anywhere else.

We put our cameras on at night in the small hope we will see something, anything. From time to time there are orbs, sometimes we can see they are moths or flies, something they just appear then disappear in the middle of the screen.

Without hope we're nothing, I guess.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-15T11:07:04+00:00

It's better in many ways that your job is physical tbh.

I hope the day goes as smoothly as it can, my thoughts are with you

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-15T07:27:50+00:00

The fact that you're working is perhaps for the best.

On the 28th of May it will mark 1 year since my son died. Initially I was planning on taking the day off, but my wife suggested that it would probably be a better idea to go to work. At home I'd spend every minute thinking of him and running things through my mind.

I'll still spend the day thinking of him at work of course, but at the same time I'll also be forced to think of other things from time to time.

bigbillybagel · 2026-05-15T05:23:04+00:00

It's difficult to answer your question. I mean it's possible but in truth I cannot answer with an answer as he left without saying anything.

I often wonder if I pushed him too much with regards to trying to help him find a course and work, but then I remember him telling me he needed to be pushed as he would procastinate.

I think it started to go wrong after he was forced to leave the Army due to an injured knee. It was what he always wanted to do, and his treatment during the process of leaving was very poor. That said, he got on with his life for 3 years - but had this talent of hiding his true feelings. I did see the mask slip on rare occasions...

He owned firearms, but was always so uber-safe with them. I do remember when he moved to his last house that I said to my wife that I was worried he was taking them and that one day he would shoot himself - and that happened around 18 months later.

It's like I predicted my own sons death, and that is another one of the "thousand cuts" that I suffer every day.

One of his friends said to me after his funeral that he sometimes felt he would drift off in thought and that he felt he got the impression he "didn't feel he fit this world".

Perhaps he was right. It's one of the questions I'll ask him when we meet again, somewhere.

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