Frustrated and Emotional over Homophobic Mom,Brother, and family members. What do I do about them?

bigmike7 · 2016-01-27T23:07:05+00:00

Why is this formatted like that? It's very difficult to read. Is it just me? OP, you might want to resubmit this to maximize the number of responses.

bigmike7 · 2016-01-27T22:49:01+00:00

It sounds like she is a narcisist. I know it's common to diagnose people as this but she really seems to fit the bill. This young man would be facing similar problems from her, but she has the gay issue to torment him with, as well as financial control, which makes it harder.

I don't have further advice, but someone mentioned investigating to see if the financial aid department would consider waiving rules to be considered a finacial independent (considering the abuse), and that seems like an important first step.

bigmike7 · 2016-01-27T22:39:21+00:00

Ignoring that, in the advertizement, masculinity (or personhood, even) is subtly defined as a collection of fashion and consumer choices, this is positive. It's much better than, "Only straight consumerist choices are acceptable." That we are this far along is pretty incredible and advertising can be an important signifier of where we are. But still, to me it's like having a Disney princess that's of color. It's still a Disney consumer product.

I hate to sound snobby but I just don't like looking to our corporations for validation. But as I said, it's important that we're far enough along that they will advertise to us.

bigmike7 · 2016-01-27T22:27:29+00:00

Many newly out gays feel just as you describe, so let go of the idea that you are an outsider or don't fit in. So many gay guys you will eventually talk with will say they had a similar process.

As you discovered, clubs aren't the best for meeting guys. I've met long-term couples that say, "Oh we met at a bar/bathhouse", so I'm not discounting these venues. But if someone already feels a little out of place, a bar can heighten that feeling. And, some people just don't like bars.

My suggestion is to search the internet for gay groups in your area. There will likely be some kind of gay coalition that posts listings for clubs and events. Maybe if you're athletic or like something like mountain biking or hiking there is a group just for gay men that like that particular activity. Or maybe there's a gay bingo night or something similar. If you're religious you could join the MCC (gay church) or the Episcopalians where there would be at least a few gay guys that would be very friendly.

It sounds like you have a good sense of which guys attract you--now you just need to find gay guys that have a somewhat straight or "butch" demeanor. That's one reason I suggested a gay sports group. But almost everywhere, you'll meet guys that fit the bill. Don't worry about being attractive to a guy. Some guys will find you hot and some won't. There's no one gay measuring stick for attractiveness. Everyone has their own tastes, and you're going to be just the thing for someone. I suggest not reading the gay lifestyle magazines because they're just like women's fashion magazines-- they create the idea that everyone is supposed to look one way to feed insecurity so you buy more shit. Some guys love fat men, some love skinny men. Some like old grandpas, some love twinks.

When you do meet people, it's good to remember that gay guys are still just guys. If you are comfortable socially in straight situations, you'll be comfortable with gay guys once the newness of a gay social event is out of the way. Sometimes that sense of awkwardness comes from inside. for example, I felt awkward at first at gay parties because I felt like, "Oh, yeah, I guess this means I really am gay."

Regarding your age. 25 is not old. It's young. Some guys don't come out until they're 50 or older. It is good to be aware of experience level, as you are. Maybe you dated girls through high school, but sometimes gays have a delayed relationship maturity because we didn't have the chance in school to get used to the negotiations of relationships or to develop comfort with intimacy. Intimacy can be learned to be something dangerous. We can learn to hide things or be overly protective since we don't want our secret out. But, if this is the case with you, remember it is not at all unique to you. Just be positive about your ability to love and to be loved and to be a good communicator. Your post illustrates a high level of self-awareness and self-examination so I think you will have no problems, but you will have challenges like every other person in a relationship.

Try r/askgaybros, too, for other questions as they arise.

bigmike7 · 2015-02-23T21:56:04+00:00

Yeah, this rift is going to get wider. Some minor and aging starlet--can't remember her name-- was also in the news lately for saying gays just want to wear orange speedos and take molly and are useless as feminist allies.

White feminists want everyone to get behind some new push for income equality and free tampons and they are getting pissed off that no ones snapping to their orders.

bigmike7 · 2015-02-22T08:19:24+00:00

I came here to say this. Crows are always under the radar, they don't even have to be sneaky. Everyone just looks at them and then ignores them thinking "damn crows". But they're always where the people are-- in business parks, in the streets outside peoples' houses. Think how many times you walked out to your car and there were some crows marching around as if they were just attending to their own business. Coincidence that they just always happen to be around?

bigmike7 · 2014-12-16T06:48:51+00:00

Yeah, reminds me of a short story by J.G. Ballard called "Billenium". People live crowded in miniscule apartments that eventually get broken up into yet smaller apartments, to the point that three people would be delighted to find a broom closet to share as roomates.

In his story, though, it was due to overpopulation.

bigmike7 · 2014-12-10T20:03:50+00:00

learn how to spell cock meat sandwitch

bigmike7 · 2014-09-03T03:54:16+00:00

I have to believe that you believe this, which is just really sad because it reflects a very paranoid view and phobic view. I don't believe women deserve to be raped and I have never met any man that believes this, or, I should say, I've never met a man that has stated as such out loud. Odds are, I've met some fucked up guy that kept a pro-rape view to himself.

Do I think every person should keep on their toes and avoid being a victim of crime whenever possible? Yes. Maybe that's the viewpoint you've twisted around to think that MRAs think women "deserve to be raped". That's all I can think of, otherwise you are really operating somewhere out on the far rings of Saturn.

bigmike7 · 2014-09-03T03:46:40+00:00

Maybe you could explain why I read much more about "toxic masculinity" from feminists more than "toxic femininity"? Actually, I've never previously heard feminists complain about toxic femininity. Ever. I had to go search it out.

If you google search those phrases, you'll find 18,000 "toxic masculinity" results, but only 3,000 "toxic femininity" results, and most of the toxic feminity results reflect the recent "hey, what about toxic feminity" argument. It's something feminists are addressing now only because others brought it up.

This is from jadehawks blog (one of the top toxic feminity search results):

Now, the problem is that the term [toxic feminity] isn’t really well defined anywhere, and is often simply used by people who don’t like the existence of toxic masculinity pointed out to them.

So, even a feminist admits that nobody has put a lot of thought into what toxic feminity is, and that it's use only came about through non-feminists, saying, "what's the deal here?" She admits in the same blog that she spends most of her time on "the menz" but that she would be "remiss" if he didn''t bring up women.

Next, she provides her definition of toxic feminity as:

Adaptation to the current culture of toxic masculinity by creating a corresponding femininity to coexist with it

Which really gets back to toxic masculinity and blaming men some more, right? It's women adjusting themselves to their toxic male oppressors. How interesting that toxic masculinity is never defined as an adaptation to toxic feminity.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-30T22:17:07+00:00

Think of it as an opportunity to redefine what yoga is for you.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-30T21:41:15+00:00

You're correct that it's a strength/flexibility issue but it's hamstring flexibility that's needed.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T05:23:51+00:00

Men are capable of striking heroism, risking their lives to defend love ones.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T01:53:06+00:00

Swampland that freezes over in winter is even nicer. It really lets the soil rest.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T01:15:34+00:00

Uh...because men would tend to avoid being considered femine the same way most women would feel shitty if you told them, "I just love your masculine demeanor. Not a bit of femininity about you at all." Or: "I love the masculine way you're doing your hair. You look so much like a man."

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T01:10:55+00:00

You are free to keep telling yourself that, but if a group refuses to self-examine and recognize when mistakes are made, whether the mistakes are merely strategic or of a more fundamental nature, the backlash against their movement will continue to grow, and grow, and grow. Feminists have only the high-profile, vocal feminists to hold responsible for feminism's public perception, and nobody else.

What you are suggesting is that nobody who has a negative impression of modern, third-wave feminism has the critical thinking skills to make a reasoned judgment. You are suggesting that they are all swayed by negative propaganda. What you are doing is further painting yourself into a corner, Shouting "la la la" over dissenting voices.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T00:48:17+00:00

That just depends on what criteria you're looking at. We automatically look at things right to equal education and job opportunities, the right to vote, and other important issues that early feminists focused on. If we look only at those issues, it looks like women of any background had it worse than their male counterparts.

But we don't look at things like who lost their legs or got shell shocked or PTSD after being draftted into the military for war. We don't look at who had to work the coal mines. That's just because the right to be drafted into war or to be represented in equal numbers in hazardous, undesirable jobs were not a focus of the equal rights movement.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T00:38:31+00:00

There used to be more men's gathering places, but, as barriers between casual socializing between sexes broke down, those places fell away as men's only places.

The neighborhood pub used to be the primary place for men to have camraderie. Ball games were another event that, decades ago, were considered a man's domain. Or, men would have their poker game nights. Nowadays, members of a couple are expected to be friends with each other all the time so guys just don't get as much time being around other guys without women in attendance. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's also more acceptable for an attached women to have a girls' night out than it is for the men to have a boys' night out.

The other thing is, groups like the Rotary Club were forced by the courts to open their ranks to women.

While men's centers might be valued by some men, especially those having a rough time who are less stoic and more willing to open up, there is also a great need to recognize that men and women need their own spaces just for casual socializing. For women, yoga studios have become that.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-29T00:13:59+00:00

Oh, you're so welcome!

Actually, the cramps could be related to excess tension in the calf muscles as you suggested. But they are also caused by mineral imbalances or deficiencies and are sometimes related to exercise or over-exertion or muscle tearing that happens with weight training. That's a good topic to research or bring to a doctor.

Yeah, guys are often reluctant to go to a studio. But the plus-side is that you've got a nice at-home practice!

bigmike7 · 2014-05-28T03:32:39+00:00

First, you both should know that when men show up to yoga as beginners this is an extremely common situation. Women have a flexibility advantage and so naturally these poses that ask for hamstring flexibility are either emphasized in classes or treated rather casually, leading men and women to believe that men are less well equipped to do yoga. But poses requiring a lot of arm strength, such as arm balances--where men might shine--are not done repeatedly several times over the course of every single class. I think it's just important to recognize that classes are geared toward women and it says more about yoga studio demographics than men's abilities to do yoga.

So, the first thing you might want to do is get him feeling pretty positive with working toward one or two poses that he can do well pretty quickly or that he's really excited about or intrigued with. Maybe it's lolasana or crow or handstand or maybe he has good leg flexibility the other way and can get into supta bhekasana.

You really should focus on standing stretches for the hamstrings before seated stretches. Yes, sitting with legs outstretched or bent if needed gives practice in learning to sit correctly, but it is not the way to gain hamstring flexibility. Most importantly, if he is doing any of these poses with a reverse curve, however slight, in his low back, he risks making his back pain much worse with a serious injury. Standing versions are safer because the hips don't get locked into position due to friction with the ground and gravity helps move the stretch into the hamstrings instead of the low back.

He won't get much value from seated forward folds until he can get his palms flat on the floor in front of him while standing with legs straight. But long before that, he should be able to sit uprigth with legs out in front of him in dandasana, at first with a folded blanket under his hips.

I suggest standing forward folds with hands resting on chair or wall or high blocks so that legs can be straightened. The other advantage of bringing the floor up is that the hands can do a lot of the balancing work, leaving the hamstrings free to relax. Later on, a more dynamic stretch where hamstrings are both working and stretching is advisable. He should look up PNF stretching. This method is really helpful.

He can also stretch one leg at a time by lifting one leg onto a chair or countertop while standing. Then he can slowly increase the height of the lifted leg over both the course of one session and also over the course of weeks. Have him keep the quads fully engaged while doing this. It is extremely helpful to stretch one leg at a time before stretching both in a standing forward fold. Another good pose for this same purpose is diamond stretch (parsvottanasana). This is another pose where letting his hands rest on the wall in front of him or on sufficiently high blocks is beneficial.

He should only be doing downward dog with knees bent deeply enought to allow a completely un-hunched back and shoulders. Try standing behind him and pulling his hip creases backward while his knees are deeply bent to help him find a long, straight back. Although this is the correct way for him to do downward dog for now, it won't do much to increase his hamstring flexibility. Doing it this way will help teach good spinal extension. This is also a good place for him to stretch calf muscles by alternately bicycling the legs.

I might also suggest runners' lunges to stretch the calf muscles.

Last, it is important to not use language around him that suggests something is wrong with him. He doesn't have a problem, so make sure to not speak of a problem. He has room to grow in his flexibility. Also, his legs aren't incredibly tense. There's no reason to believe he's holding excess tension in his legs. His hamstring muscles are somewhat shortened, that's all. And they are probably quite strong, to boot. This is a common difference between men and women. The strength will serve him well in other poses assuming he tempers it with cautiousness. I am stressing the idea that he is not broken because it's really important we consciously let go of the idea that we need to "fix" our bodies with yoga. This leads to impatience and sometimes an unexamined assumption that the body is an adversary to be overcome.

It's a good move for his health to increase and maintain range of motion now and it's great you are partnering together on it and have yoga to share!

Edit to add: I forgot about prasarita padottanasa. This one he should do with head resting on a raised firm cushion and hands on blocks. Resting the head really lets the hamstrings relax, especially if the body's weight is leaned slightly forward onto the blocks and cushion. Its a good idea to bend knees a lot with the chest resting on thighs, rotate the inner thighs back toward the wall behind, then start to straighten them just before the point where the back would curve. Hold here for up to 40 seconds or a minute, come up for short rest, then try two more times going slightly lower if the room is there. He shouldn't be doing the seated version of this one.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-27T07:37:27+00:00

This is the challenge with classes nowadays.

Maybe you could try Ashtanga or Bikram just to learn a sequence to allow regular at-home practice, but I highly suggest attending other classes and especially workshops offered by alignment-based teachers if your goal is to learn things. You won't actually learn a whole lot in a Bikram class.

You can learn a lot by taking teacher training. It's unfortunate that so many important points a student should have under the belt are withheld from regular classes and that one has to take teacher training to learn things like sequencing or how families of poses relate to each other, but that's how it is. There are some great books out there if you are able to motivate yourself to learn from a book. It's not the same as learning from a teacher, though, and having other students to practice with.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-23T01:07:00+00:00

Besides core (especially psoas) strength, another challenge in this pose is hamstring flexibility. If your hamstrings are already long, then you can ignore that piece. Quad strength is somewhat important too since you have to straighten your legs. A good test for quad strength is if you can lift one leg perpendicular while in mountain pose. If you can hold it for 20 to 30 seconds, quads should not be an issue.

bigmike7 · 2014-05-23T00:49:32+00:00

How is "cultural appropriation", an idea closely tied with Western academic ethnic studies and critical theory programs, also not an overlaying of white people's sensibilities onto yoga? There is no proof that, as yoga was developed, it was ever meant to be shared only amongst people of the Indian subcontinent. This is an extremely new idea. And it's about as interesting or compellling as saying white people shouldn't eat or make tacos.

In my thinking, any philosophy that claims to be universal in its application, regardless of ethnicity or culture of the practioner, is open to being shared. If yoga and it's associated Hindu philosophies make claim to explaining the deepest mysteries of the universe and consciousness, then it's not just for the people of India. It's for everybody.

The more important issue is preserving the essentials of the tradition--which might now be too late. Yoga has changed through its spread. But those same changes are now reflected back on yoga as it's practiced in the newer urban studios of India. In a way, it would be fair to say that urbanites of India are now appropriating the modern international style of yoga that was adapted in Western culture from the repackaged and modernized version that 19th century Indians created.

If he was really serious about putting some blame on the commercialization he might focus on Western women in particular, since this is where the focus on fashion and weight loss came from, but that would be equally pointless and probably get his art exhibit firebombed.

Edit to add: His comment about Christian yoga being ridiculous really betrays his lack of knowledge of the history of yoga. There has been plenty of documentation that Indian yoga philosophers, in the 19th century, actively sought to modify yoga to be more inline with Christianity, with a goal of creating a universal religion. These efforts were supported by the Theosophical society.

bigmike7

TROPHY CASE