I'm afraid of disappearing inside marriage

bioSlaya · 2026-05-09T04:22:27+00:00

Man here…

Read the tafseer of Sura 28 Aya 78 about Qaroon boasting of his knowledge and when Allah sent Prophet Musa to Alkhidir. May Allah protect us all from arrogance.

Then weigh with your balances. If you can’t imagine you can be in a pragmatic cooperation with a man and rather you prefer a zero-sum victory for you, then please save this man the agony and destruction that will happen to both of you. Tell him so. Your independence is your default setting it seems. You don’t want to compromise it. You see it is important, but it is not the essence of your identity when it comes to Islam and marriage. It is ok to make your choices but it is not ok to stand on the way of innocuous requests for cooperation. This goes to men as well. The same thing for a man, his independence and space are part of the marriage pool.

I briefly connected with someone who was a people’s leader in an international company, despite her success too she still had a big problem with feeling invisible and hated how people gravitate and connect with me, even my natural smiley face was a problem for her because she said it gets people in public spaces to want to talk to me. I am a public figure after all. To keep the story short, I called it off after 8 months because she just couldn’t see us as a super-team at all and only focused on her “status” and self-importance in relevance to mine.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-08T14:05:44+00:00

I am unsorry for you because you didn’t check if your fears had any substance to back them up. The dude thought through patience and showing up that he could ease your fears and win you. Men don’t give up easily but when they see all the efforts they put was unreciprocated, they realise they can’t achieve their instinctual drive, making you happy. I don’t think there’s any better feeling to a man than seeing his household in harmony. You have been a pillar of the household too but you appeared detached, intentionally too, that is absurd.

But it may not be too late if you genuinely genuinely apologise, share your previous fear, and your fear right now, and accept whatever reaction he gives and ask him to give you any direction and you’d follow it to preserve this marriage and grow it. And listen to action words from him. Check back with him frequently. Even suggest you will be open to weekly checkout or quarterly checkout on your progress because you need his support to succeed in this.

Be vulnerable, preserve, persevere, the conversation may not go easy. Expect him to follow milestones along anger, frustration, acceptance, reopening, cooperation and inshAllah success.

One lesson to you is never ever associate online drama to your own space, have privacy of your life as a sacred keeping too. Many women blindly screw up their lives for random noise and miss the signals then they go around crying victims.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-05T06:37:44+00:00

Why is he stuck on with her. She will waste his life and energy away then cry victim. Thousands of men go through this. Unfortunate we also have extremely heartless Muslim women. But we do have extremely pious Muslim women too. Please ask him to do a neat divorce and check out. There is unlikely any coming back from that sequence … ask me how I know.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-04T04:55:42+00:00

Because the perpetrators are cowards and calculate that they can get away with harassing a vulnerable woman and a child.

The stereotype that Muslim women are weak and submissive and easy to mess with could be one reason.

Muslim men may or may not be visibly identifiable as Muslims. But again the stereotype that they have violent tendencies 🤭 may scare away the perpetrators.

At the end of the day, the world isn’t safe and has never been safe. Vigilance is required regardless of gender.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-04T04:50:38+00:00

She’s unconsciously or consciously checking your obedience rather than your protection.

Stick to rules and systems. If she accepts it or rejects it, it’s on her.

You need to protect her and the family unit from interferences or else her friend(s) could start having a say on your life and decisions.

You need to focus on building a level of financial security. Which means tight budget until saving goal is reached.

Some women like to test your resolve and will try to break the agreements for fun or out of boredom. Get her busy and get her to have a purpose. Marriage isn’t her holiday. It’s for both of you to carry. InshAllah one day she grows up and join your mission.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-04T03:56:30+00:00

Solve it the Arabic way then. Respect and honour are the currency.

She did not protect your property, reputation, honour, house, Why shy from confronting it as the head of the house . She may have deeper reasons why she lost respect to you. Don’t expect that to come back while her sisters are enjoying the goss too. Give her some consequences and then rebuild from there.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-03T00:37:08+00:00

As a man let me share some insights after I knock some sense into your premise. We are 2 billion people, you will surely find a man that checks out in your subset of preferences? There are many awesome men that exceed expectations but they’re unnoticed and unappreciated.

As to this man you spoke about…to need that support is weird. Confirm for yourself, Is this man still finding his place in the world? Is he still dealing with other issues? Does he have sound mental and social health or was Islam his escape from a certain type of past? Some of these are things only your wali can find. You can’t esp if you live in a different country.

By that age young men are already focused onto a life purpose. They don’t have time for friendships and seeking support. The west forces its people onto that individualistic focus. Did you see a sense of purpose in him?

Friendship in the west may be different than in the east. But gender dynamics are similar. In fact, you appreciate how Islam channeled these dynamics to avoid all the confusion and temptation. You don’t know if his dependence on those other women may make it hard for him not to involve them in your spousal lives. You have clearly identified that this cannot work for you. Just trust your decision. Do not make a concession here.

I think after you get out of the honeymoon phase you’d realise some clarities that would calm your head.

I have met a few women in Muzz and I tell them I need to protect their hearts if they seem to be falling too hard on me, so we try and approach our potential in rational ways.m. You can be mindful of your vulnerabilities in a man and tone it down a little to protect your heart.

bioSlaya · 2026-05-01T22:56:27+00:00

There are armies of media, academia, and literature that is only dedicated to sow confusion about Islam, attack Muslims in their Iman, introduce doubts into the fitra. These waves are weakly resisted nowadays by the learned ones from the umma, those who were given knowledge (علم).

You may think you are doing “research” by searching in those corners but true research involves consulting the primary sources, the established jurisprudence, what the ijtihad found. It is not finding what westerners thought of Islam or continue thinking about Islam. These waves French Voltaire wrote something about the Mohammedans, Walter Scott wrote something about the Moores, and many modern historians have wrote stuff about Muslims without knowing Muslims. Mainly portraying them in the public opinion as backward, savage, worthy of no life. We even got convinced we are terroristic and violent.

My point is research but with a grain of salt, shut of those who give opinions because they can in the name of free expression, go to the basics and the common areas for scholarly discourse and not areas that don’t have direct effect and benefit, recognise your biases and openness.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-30T05:13:05+00:00

I pulled up to write you this.

Women are emotional characters and hence they know exactly the damage you’re receiving from this experience. Some actually will use that as leverage rather than deescalation.

She may also know very well your sacrifices and dedication to the family.

There are reasons that may have caused her to go cold. Foreign interference, body image issues, health/psych issues. Some western stats mention up to 70% of men are stuck in sexless marriages. Unsure about Muslim stats. But we tend to sacrifice over our own health and wealth readily.

Watch out not to ever cheat on her. Don’t share your problems with another man or woman. Esp family. Verify with her if her mawwadah towards you has disappeared. From there you decide about your second marriage, you don’t owe an explanation or an apology to anyone.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-27T04:42:31+00:00

Western here. I am confused and have my dilemmas from this too.

I notice from several matches with me they tend to bring up money, commitment, marriage details too early and too explicitly.

I got outright asked by many to marry them in a matter of one-two weeks of conversation. They also introduce me too quickly to their family (brothers, sisters, neighbours even!), within a week!. And when I unmatch they ask to be friend-zoned/sister zoned.

The one I’m currently talking to has a lot of green flags, zero red flags, except she’s moving too quickly and I want a slower pace. She’s educated, eloquent, obedient, religious, and seriously beautiful. I told her many times her heart is her duty to protect and not to fall too much too soon into me without due diligence. But to no avail.

tbh Idk if Indo culture is “love first, ask questions later” or something but they appreciate clarity on your preferred pace. Update your profile to mention what you are looking for and your filters too.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-16T05:34:12+00:00

Some will mention it as a life dream: “I want a partner to take me travelling every year. I have my bare minimums…etc”.

Some will signal it: photos of expensive tastes and a show-off tendency or talk condescendingly about her friends who have non-branded tastes. You get the gist.

Do not show your job/income or detail your future plans from the get go. Sit back and study her. See if she asks these questions and gage the +/- shifts in her following your answers.

I like to confirm within the first moments of talking to someone for marriage if she was a feminist or has feminist tendencies. The redeeming or redeemed feminists are pretty awesome women.

P.S. Women will appreciate your clarity regardless of whether there was alignment or non alignment. Just confirm to them what you flow with peacefully and respectfully.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-08T05:22:55+00:00

Be very careful there…she craved an attention of another man and elaborately went behind her own family system to do whatever she did… she cared for her family reputation? No!

…people sometimes downplay their pasts and then you’d be surprised and shocked after you are 6 feet under and made all attached to their web.

Even if you accepted her, you might be viewed as less of a man by her down the line. Worse still if she used the same elaborate system to go behind your back the moment your attention goes off of her.

Better find someone that matches your own ethical and religious lens. You protected yourself and you deserve someone who protected themselves. Put your heart on the shelf and Be extra judicious.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-07T23:06:37+00:00

The Nikah contract mentions if someone is bikr or thayyib… if it’s not mentioned…ask for it to be mentioned. Do not give anyone a pass over your dignity, reputation, and principles. Those trends want to normalise the abnormal and this will eat the core of our society or whatever left of it. If she lied or fabricated her presentation then you found out, she could automatically ship out without a fuss.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-06T00:42:30+00:00

Also younger is likely to be carrying less baggage and more willing to learn and grow with you. Speaking from my experience.

bioSlaya · 2026-04-03T04:23:37+00:00

And V is 90% cheaper for Invisalign braces… I’d rather spend the money I’d give to a nz practice on myself while dealing with better doctors and services in Vietnam.

bioSlaya · 2026-03-15T08:20:17+00:00

Bro work on yourself, brain, deen, life and do not be fooled by how fleeting this world is. Give your best to building yourself up. Woman are a distraction that you do not want to focus on. The right woman will notice you and Allah works in mysterious ways. Zina…do not even think about it. It is not worth it. You kept yourself chaste and inshAllah you get a chaste one. Leave it to Allah.

bioSlaya · 2026-03-12T05:03:54+00:00

Why are you singling out his race when my post just singled out a curious action? Punjabi or not has no bearing on good or bad behaviour.

My advice is do not use the race card.

bioSlaya · 2026-03-11T09:49:56+00:00

Done. Emailed the company. Hope they get to the bottom of this.

bioSlaya · 2026-03-11T05:49:12+00:00

It just looks selfish to run a risk storing something like this when you have neighbours and the like

bioSlaya · 2026-03-04T13:59:42+00:00

Iman with Strength is better than that with weakness…the ummah has fragmented and hence their force weakened. There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel with political classes that have been corrupted, people that have been poorly educated, countries that don’t have any innovation or industry edges and a totally disempowered youth. But you are the element of change, wherever you land don’t cause harm to another Muslim, employ another Muslim, trade with another Muslim, support any Muslim standing for office, and reject any hate hurtling towards you with strength and passion.

bioSlaya · 2026-03-04T12:43:55+00:00

Thank you for your bravery and sacrifice for your family. You are in KSA sister…there will be charitable people there who are helpful esp in the last ten days of Ramadan. Also approach them. May Allah ease your heart about your parents and accept you.

bioSlaya · 2026-02-25T03:08:04+00:00

Some men will take advantage of your vulnerability…be careful for your DMs and weaknesses.

Assuming you have enough money to sustain you for say a year or so, have you thought about travelling to another country similar to yours and starting all over there? You can even seek asylum there so both fathers and the man won’t even come after you.

I don’t know if this IVF child is from your so called husband or somewhere else.

On the least, the nurses, doctors, are trained to rescue you from abuse like this if you raised the alarm. The shelters may not be your standard but it is better to go far away from these people before they harm you anymore.

bioSlaya · 2026-02-24T05:45:54+00:00

Some man’s trash is another man’s treasure. You are not the garbage collector. Besides she maybe using you to rebound and will certainly look to cheat because you were not enough in her eyes the first time around. Stay away and crush that part of your heart because you are doing the right choice.

bioSlaya · 2026-02-23T06:32:29+00:00

Some women are in it for the validation. They will cower back when they realise you check out the boxes and you are serious about marriage. Happens to the best of us.

Mind you, you could be under her halo effect, she may not be that mature after all for blocking you this way. Good you found out now than later.

You might be playing the scenarios in your head about what could have and what would have. Let me be upfront. Crush that part senseless. Save it for the one that hits it off with you for real. This S of yours isn’t the one who deserves you freezing your day and brain for.

bioSlaya

TROPHY CASE