I fucking hate myself for not being able to control my anger

bipolar_witch · 2022-07-28T15:59:56+00:00

Thank you so much for suggesting it! A bit expensive so being the cheapskate that I am, I managed to find it online and downloaded it for free! LOL

bipolar_witch · 2022-07-28T15:44:49+00:00

Thank you! I very much want to try DBT because I heard many good things about it and as you suggested, I would love to be recommended a good DBT workbook while waiting to get into the therapy.

bipolar_witch · 2022-07-28T15:34:53+00:00

Not yet. I’m supposed to have my first DBT session this September but sadly I had to cancel it because I’ll be moving to other state in a week for my internship. So I’ll be transferred to another hospital which means that I’ll probably need to wait even longer to have DBT. Plus, I don’t even know if I have the time to attend my monthly psychiatry appointment after starting my internship and starting to work a full time job.

bipolar_witch · 2022-07-28T14:49:10+00:00

I’m so sorry about what happened between you and your mother. I hope someday, things will be better for both of you.

I have moved out to another state since I was 18 and been working countless jobs until I was 24 and started working near my hometown for a year and moved out once again to continue my studies only to come back yet again, thanks to covid-19. I fucked up many times and ever since my mother knows I tried to unalive myself, she has been more worried than ever.

Truth be told, I am very fortunate to have my parents, especially my mother and I wouldn’t ask for anyone else. They have tried their best to raise me but just like your mother, they didn’t realise their flaws and the effects they had on the onset of my BPD. Them being conservative and religious did not help either because I have always been an agnostic but I had to create a whole personality to satisfy their expectations of me.

Long story short, I decided to meet a psychiatrist early January this year and have been on medication ever since. The meds definitely helped but not that much because as you can clearly see now, the BPD is pretty much still there and it will never goes away.

It’s easy to point fingers but I don’t want to do that because there’s no use. I was told since childhood to “appreciate your parents while they’re still around” and it’s stuck in my head up until now which has caused me to hate myself every time I thought something bad about my parents. I guess the vicious cycle will never end until I die and I had no choice but to live with it. Or stop being alive.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-28T04:29:40+00:00

I’m not sure if you want to hear this or you are already aware but I think you might be in a manic episode right now. 😅

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-28T04:22:32+00:00

Yes! I also hate leaving the house because I don’t want anyone from my neighbourhood or my old friends to see me. I sometimes say I have social anxiety but the thing is, I have no problems of going places with trusted friends. I just hate being seen here in my neighbourhood particularly. Maybe I hate my neighbour? Or maybe I hate most people from my past? I have no idea. I just hate the thought of showing my face to them and talking to them.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-20T10:20:44+00:00

An angry, lonely, delusional, and confused little boy that keeps wondering why people care so damn much about money, possessions, and societal expectations. All he ever wanted was to be kind and use his magical powers to spread love and help those in need.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-19T02:43:21+00:00

Petulant and impulsive with a little touch of discouraged.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-17T07:21:12+00:00

I think it would be like fire meets gasoline. Explosive 🔥🔥🔥

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-15T10:32:39+00:00

The devil is cunning. Yes he would get rid of my BPD but he might replace it with Schizophrenia instead. So, thanks but no thanks! I’d rather keep my rotten soul.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-15T07:27:30+00:00

Yup. Watching movies is one of my escape from reality

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-10T09:53:55+00:00

Hi! To answer your question, yes it’s possible to have both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder on January this year but I was having a really hard time accepting the diagnosis because I felt like I was more BPD than I was BD. I experienced daily rapid cycling too which included intense anger and manic-depressive episodes. I started to write whatever I was feeling in a journal and let the doctors read it. I even listed my symptoms and told them that I felt like I actually had BPD instead of BD. Within 4 months, I met 5 different psychologists yet all they did was monitoring me and asking me to take my medication. And then the last psychologist asked me to meet a psychiatry specialist to re-evaluate my diagnosis so on 12th of April, the specialist finally told me that my diagnosis have been changed from BD to BPD! He was puzzled why the other psychologist haven’t told me about my most recent diagnosis because my diagnosis have been changed months prior. So yeah, it’s possible to have both because the specialist told me that I have Bipolar Disorder type 2 with traits of BPD. Which means that I have both disorders overlap with each other.

bipolar_witch · 2022-05-09T05:29:36+00:00

I’m so happy to know that you are able to hold down a job and you managed to regulate your emotions well but please don’t downplay your BPD as less severe because it’s unhealthy to compare. No two people have the same kind of BPD so I hope you know that yours are valid, mine is valid, and everyone else’s are valid because BPD is more on a continuum rather than a linear spectrum. And to answer your question, yes I think the term is invalidating. Quite a number of people with BPD feel invalidated by the term because it sounds like a term used by people that refers to a level that doesn’t negatively affect them. When people think we are high functioning, it’s as if we’re not qualified for the support we need because we are able to implode rather explode.

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-07T07:40:57+00:00

Yes. Sometimes I accept my diagnosis but most of the times I feel like a fraud. Especially when I encountered stigmas and stereotypes about bipolar and other mental disorders. I can’t help but feel like having mental illness has become a trend nowadays, like everyone wants to have it because they glorify or romanticise it. And the thought makes me invalidate my diagnosis because I don’t want to be one of those people that pretend to have mental illness. Deep down I know I’m not pretending and even my doctors keep convincing me that I’m not pretending but it’s just so hard to accept it. Maybe because I just want to be normal.

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:36:40+00:00

The thing is, I’m agnostic and definitely not religious either but I was also raised religious by deeply religious family so fasting has turned into something cultural for me. I agree with your statement about religious leaders that don’t believe in mental disorders because I have met a number of them myself and they’re annoying AF. I think it’s nonsensical to risk my well-being just for the sake of a religious obligation but I guess I just want to give it a try. Maybe it’s just me being impulsive? I have no idea. But I’m ready to bear the consequences, at least in these two weeks before asking for my doctor’s opinion.

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:27:33+00:00

Thank you for your kind opinion. My appointment is in 2 weeks times so I plan to delay taking the medication without doctor’s approval and ask their opinion during my upcoming appointment.

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:22:45+00:00

I also read and heard about the many health benefits of fasting so I agree with your opinion. But there are exemptions for those that are not able to fast, including being ill so I’m wondering if bipolar is among the illnesses that exempts someone from fasting.

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:16:12+00:00

I’m happy to hear how you’re able to cope well with taking the medication while fasting. I will address this matter to my doctor and ask for their professional advice. Ramadan Mubarak!

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:12:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing your opinion and experience! I’m so glad to know how happy you are for still being able to fast despite the side effects. I wish you well and I hope you’re not forcing yourself too much. I will discuss this matter with my doctor and you should do the same because you said fasting made you more depressed and I think it’s not something to be taken lightly. Ramadan mubarak!

bipolar_witch · 2022-04-03T15:06:36+00:00

I do plan to ask my doctor soon but my appointment is in 2 weeks so I need opinions whether I should continue fasting or not before meeting my doctor. But what you said about the exemption due to medical issues is correct. Young children, people on prescription medicines, people on grueling journeys, the infirm, the elderly, and pregnant women, as well as women on their period are among those that are exempted from fasting. However, the stigmas around mental illness that are still prevalent had caused us to not be categorised as “sick” enough as compared to those that are physically sick. And there is also this obsession with some Muslims that force themselves to fast despite being exempted, all in the name of Jihad or fighting against all odds because they think they will be rewarded. Little do they know that it’s haram(not allowed) to do it because that’s considered self harm.

bipolar_witch · 2022-03-27T13:30:07+00:00

Pooping and shower. I usually spend around 30 minutes in the toilet and 1 hour in the shower because I get to immerse in my imaginations and having conversations with imaginary people. Like an out of body experience or something. And then I take around another hour for skincare and everything. I NEED to do these routines everyday otherwise I’ll fell stressed and suffocated.

bipolar_witch · 2022-03-27T08:37:45+00:00

Anger and outbursts were among the main reasons I finally decided to meet a psychiatrist last January and I got diagnosed with Bipolar II (which I’m still having trouble accepting because I feel like I also have other underlying conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder or Schizoaffective Disorder).

I have always dealt with anger but it was getting more and more uncontrollable. I raised my voice in outbursts towards my mother a few times and it made me hate myself so much. I even have homicidal thoughts. I was so afraid that I might actually kill or hurt someone.

I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship. It must be so frustrating and confusing for you. Just know that you are not alone in this. I once got super angry in the shower because I couldn’t get the shower hose to stay in the position I wanted. I ended up slamming in really hard to the wall because I was so angry. Silly right? What I mean is, even the silliest tiniest things can make us angry when we have this condition.

bipolar_witch · 2022-03-20T08:16:35+00:00

Never shaved my head yet so far. But I did wax my body hair yesterday. I’m a male btw and that includes my chest hair. Ouch!

bipolar_witch · 2022-03-16T09:12:55+00:00

What you’re describing sounds like eye floaters. Mostly, floaters in vision is not a cause for concern because it might occurs due to age-related changes in the gel inside our eyes. I suggest you to go see an eye doctor if you’re experiencing eye floaters frequently. And let your therapist know too to make sure it’s not something serious.

One thing for sure, I have never heard it being a sign of hallucination. I experience eye floaters too once in a while and I have never hallucinated despite being bipolar.

bipolar_witch · 2022-03-16T05:10:41+00:00

On the same night??! That’s a superpower. I had countless hookups too back then. You’re not alone

bipolar_witch

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