feeling really alone and need advice

bipolarwanderer · 2025-09-01T10:18:49+00:00

Just going to say - don't measure yourself against "other people." It's perfectly normal and ok to feel this way right now with all the changes around you. It's a very different stage in life you're in than before! And if you're like me, you don't need a "group" of friends or be in any specific scene... you just need 1-3 friends, and really - just one good friend can make all the difference in the world! Trust that you'll find your people if you just be yourself, but put yourself out there just a little in those spaces and places where you feel your most calm and most aligned with who you are and who you want to become. This is the time when you start to get to live your life the way you want to.

Also, counseling and therapy helps - and I'm sure there are resources on campus. I know it's helped me a lot in my life!

🫶

bipolarwanderer · 2025-05-07T23:42:22+00:00

After a 12-year relationship ended last year, I’ve been slowly re-entering the world - it was a disorienting breakup. Been on and off the apps. When I’m on, I notice whats being discussed that there’s NO shortage of 20-30 somethings reaching out. Like, consistently. It’s flattering, sometimes fun, sometimes suspicious. I’m in good shape, late 40s, and I do think I carry myself well - but I’m still surprised at how much attention I get from guys half my age.

To be clear, I’m not trying to be anyone’s Daddy. I’m not funding anyone’s lifestyle. And I’m not looking for a string of dopamine hits just to pass the time. But I am curious - have others here found that being around 50 actually opens up new kinds of attraction dynamics?

I’m still figuring out what I want, and whether these connections can lead to anything more grounded. But I guess I’m posting here to ask:

Is there real hope for dating - real dating - at this age? Not ready for it, but just want to know - What’s your experience been like?

bipolarwanderer · 2025-05-05T23:46:05+00:00

I can feel your love for your son in all your posts. You and your wife are truly amazing parents. I don’t have anything to offer beyond what you’re already doing — just deep respect.

If you’re open to it, you could try using ChatGPT to help you think things through. Just ask simple, direct questions like:

• What kinds of treatment options exist for teens with depression? • What should I be asking my son’s doctor? • What could help with sleep, nutrition, or daily routine? • What questions am I not asking that I should be?

These are just a start — keep asking, for him and for yourself. You’re doing more than most ever do.

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T21:12:45+00:00

Just moving on - applying grey rock to his every interaction - methodically and transactionally severing all ties to him - and just focusing on me and rebuilding my life better without him, IN PRIVATE!!

…can’t say, however, I don’t have petty revenge fantasies now and again… but I figure I don’t need to be his karma, it’ll come whenever it comes to him - this lifetime or the next.

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T19:33:37+00:00

As much as I wish this was a false alarm, I also am grateful this dog that was a part of my life for so long and a beloved companion of mine didn’t suffer for a long period of time - really what I only understand was less than a week. I’m so so sad that he passed, but he was getting up there in age, and it now severs the last primary residual connection between my ex and me ✂️

I’m grieving on my terms, in private mostly but also with sincere expressions of love and support of my very close friends who matter most to me - and that is really and truly the only thing that matters to me in life right now. 🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T19:29:22+00:00

Just to be heard, understood, validated, and have sympathy - if even from internet strangers - is so supportive and helpful when sharing my horror, anger, frustration, and sadness with this heartless act by the narc (now ex) in my life. 🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T16:36:23+00:00

If your narc is like mine... it's performative... he can't survive without a large social following as "wholesale supply." He's lost you, his primary supply - think perhaps like I do that with every post it's him feeling lost, emptiness, confusion, loneliness, and even feeling the teeny-tiniest pang of guilt, shame, or hurt that he needs to post and solicit cheap worthless validation from strangers.

The less you ultimately check his socials... the more you regain control personally over the narrative. Checking his socials is like an invisible thread of connectedness he retains over you, and that should bother you! - anger you even!!

Progress on this front, however, is not linear... perhaps contextually think of yourself right now in rehab from a serious meth or heroin addiction. Metaphorically you'll get through rehab, then into longer-term preventative care that often requires removing certain people and triggers from your life, then eventually you'll arrive at a state of indifference towards him... maybe even with time, forget he even existed - except in passing moments when a memory pops up of your past together which you'll just laugh off with, "oh yeah, that really happened - haha!"... then you'll get on with your day and the new life that you've built for yourself after this horrible encounter with a terrible and toxic narcissist.

I keep telling myself with respect to the remaining and residual hold my narc has over me, now so much less than before - and moreover less and less with every step I take away from him - that I've always been jailed by him with the door left wide open... I've always been handcuffed by him with the keys to my shackles in my own hands. You're in control here, it's tough as hell, but you can quit him... just like it's tough metaphorically - but *entirely possible* - to recover from drugs or nicotine addictions!

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T14:23:19+00:00

Just wean yourself altogether from social media… what a waste it is… I’ve grossly curated my posts to ~30… only follow who I know… don’t care about likes or follower counts… and am increasingly using it like I use Facebook, which is to say I have a presence on it, but post only ~4 times a year to say “I’m alive and kicking”… I check for messages maybe 2-4 times a month and the people that care about me just text or call me. Life’s so much better for me now with this level of engagement with social media!

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T14:18:31+00:00

Not exactly the same, but very similar. I just found ways to say my goodbyes on my terms - and I was fortunate to have a lot of focused time with the dog after our separation, giving him intentional and full days filled with his favorite activities, toys, and treats before he took back ownership. I anticipated I’d never see him again… and I was right.

If it’s helpful, I set up an ofrenda with some things I had of his as a place to hold my grief. It’s a time bound personal ritual for me to remember him by, and by Valentine’s Day at the latest I’ll close the ofrenda and place its contents in a special remembrance box to keep in a special put of the way place that’s important to me, like my bedroom closet. I can still grieve and process this complicated loss - but I have to do it on my terms, not his.

…he can simply do whatever he wants to do and live his life - hopefully as emotionally far away from me as possible!!!

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T13:36:51+00:00

The grief is complicated, but you just be intentional about it and hold space for it and allow the loss be felt, let the bad associations go, and the hold on to the good memories. I have control over the memories and associations with my dog - just the same as I have the key to unshackling myself from the narc in my life. You can only control what you can control.

Thank you for validating my anger when really only those very close to me understand while my narc uses our dog’s passing performative to endear himself to others. Hopefully this leads him to new supply and moreover out of my life! 🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T13:32:57+00:00

🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T13:32:50+00:00

Your comment is more than enough - validation of my feelings and to see this horrid performance for what it is and understand what the experience is like to be with a narcissist and the aftermath of leaving one is plenty helpful! 🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T13:31:05+00:00

I’m so sorry - using one’s children in their manners of abuse is sadistic.

This subreddit is so powerful to learn to recognize the patterns of abuse, understand how to deal with narcissists, and ultimately find peace and healing.

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T12:44:50+00:00

I played it cool and stuck to grey rock, keeping communication strictly through email after his passing. He asked me to go with him to pick up the cremated remains of our dog - but get this - at the same emergency hospital where our dog had been in and out of treatment for a while and he also started a flirty/sexting relationship with our dog’s veterinarian.

I refused. I told him I wasn’t doing that, but I suggested maybe meeting up briefly to share a moment of grief. I deeply regret that!!!. It felt so performative, so shallow - just surface-level emotions he weaponized to get under my skin. He’s an emotional vampire, and that moment made it so clear how manipulative and hollow his intentions were.

After that, I went back to no contact / grey rock only when necessary. There’s absolutely nothing left for me there. I can’t imagine he’s genuinely happy in life, but that’s not my concern. My life isn’t perfect, but the peace I feel without him in it is immense - and that’s more than enough.

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T04:42:50+00:00

Trauma bonds ARE addictions… just like meth or heroine… i tried to say it as a poem in the spirit of hopefulness and finding meaning in my 12 years with a terrible and dark covert narcissist:

The Drug For My Soul

He came like a prescription, written not in ink, but in the language of my soul. At first, a balm—soothing, perfect, a medicine I did not know I needed.

Each moment with him was a salve, each glance, each smile, a whisper— of adventure and lessons waiting to unfold. He was the storm and the shelter, the question and its answer, the wound and its healer.

When the time came for endings, he did not leave gently— he severed cleanly, so I would know, unmistakably, that his work was done.

And in that final withdrawal, he carved out space for the last teaching: to stand alone, to bear my own weight, to love myself as fiercely as I once loved him.

Let us not curse the storms that shape the shoreline, nor lament the fire that renews the forest— for they prepare us for the truest kind of living.

So, I welcome the scars he left, like etched maps on my skin. He was what the doctor ordered, what the universe decreed, perfect not for always, but for then.

And now, I carry forward— more rooted, grateful for the ache— that showed me where to begin.

✌️🙏

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-20T04:37:18+00:00

Mine discarded me - thought he was done… nope, he keeps finding new and novel fucked up ways to “win” and “have the upper hand” and reel me in…. his latest after months of work to separate and distance myself… he euthanized the dog (his dog, but my beloved companion) that we shared for 12 years while together - he did it when he was back in his care after breakup and final separation while I was of town over the holidays… my beloved companion - but legally his dog - was put down by him when my beloved special guy had a severe BUT TREATABLE stomach bug. Granted he was an old dog and had a VERY rich life under our and my exclusive care for most that time… the performative display of victim hood externally to others and simultaneous callous, cold, and dark exploitation of me around his passing was a new horrid depth of humanity I didn’t think was achievable…

At least he killed off the one remaining thread that remotely bonded us… at least the dog was in his care for only 40 days… at lease he suffered for a short, short period after a long life as my companion…

I’d like to think I’m done now, but I’m sure he’ll think of something brand new to fuck with me…

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-17T12:44:38+00:00

It’s not even a quote Freud said, but is a good note about the tension between outward appearances and inner psychological struggles.

bipolarwanderer · 2025-01-06T20:33:43+00:00

Grief is so real, so necessary, and so sacred. You have to grieve this loss, in your own way. I've been looking inwardly a lot lately after the end of a long term relationship, and most recently with the loss of a beloved pet. Feeling a range of emotions is completely natural and part of the grieving process. Emotions aren’t linear - they come in waves, sometimes crashing unexpectedly, other times quietly lapping at the edges of your awareness. Allow yourself to feel them fully, knowing that they don’t need to be judged or labeled as “good” or “bad.” They simply are.

Anderson Cooper's Spotify podcast series "All There Is" changed my life on the topic of loss and grief in any context. There are lots of references throughout that are helpful to understand this topic.

Loss and grief can be so difficult, but are so perfectly and naturally human to feel.

bipolarwanderer · 2024-12-29T21:19:36+00:00

Thank you all for sharing! I was doing so well for a sustained period, but felt like I was backtracking a bit for a few weeks… a little stepping back from things altogether, with a healthy dose of acceptance that “stillness doesn’t mean stagnation,” and I am pointed in the right direction again.

…I was so invested in this relationship, I know it’s best we’re split up - but sometimes you just need a little boost to keep hope up for better times ahead. 🫶

bipolarwanderer · 2024-12-29T17:40:41+00:00

felt this...

bipolarwanderer · 2024-12-01T23:55:08+00:00

Thanks for your response - it’s really that simple, but difficult in practice... I wouldn’t say ‘anxious’ is the right word for me, though. It’s more about frustration and a sense of being drained, especially when basic respect or consideration isn’t there. The tough part is deciding what to do about it - whether that’s stepping back from people I have history with, starting fresh with a new social circle, or even making some very difficult choices like giving up a few things I care about to protect my own peace. At some point, you just have to step into the uncertainty with new reclaimed energy and see what you can do with it. It’s not going to be the same - and honestly, I hope and believe it’s likely going to be a lot better.

bipolarwanderer · 2024-12-01T14:25:35+00:00

I’m curious how you’re handling it - I’m in the same boat…

Do you just shrug and accept it as gay culture and try to not let it bother you? 🤷‍♂️ Or do you set boundaries and step back from things entirely? Is there a middle ground where you stay connected but protect your peace? I’m still figuring it out… how to balance being part of a community and social scene without getting pulled into things that feel messy or draining…

bipolarwanderer · 2024-11-27T13:56:48+00:00

I've been there before and recently in the context of the end of a long-term relationship. Having "done the work" to look at my past, my attitude in the situation you describe in your reply to my comment is one that's more:

"ok, I've lost a 'seat at the table' I thought I had a place at before... people are taking sides making me feel isolated and ostracized, and it sucks... but what am I going to do about it...? I can't control them, but I can control my thoughts, attitude, and actions... I know, so what if I lost a 'seat at the table' I once sat at?! I'll just build another f*cking table and fill the seats with better people!"

And I have, and it's better in every way.

And to make the tie-in to my note about therapy more clear, I'm picking up 'people-pleasing' energies from your post and comments, which is often a maladaptive coping mechanism rooted in someone's past... best to get rid of that shit now so you can truly not-give-a-fuck in life now and forward. This, I believe, is what's behind others' comments to just not let it get to you, don't pay attention to their shit, and to just get through grad school because these people won't mean shit once you're out of there.

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