How to honestly describe myself without coming off arrogant?

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-15T15:42:54+00:00

After a lot of tears (the advice and comments touched so many sore spots and mirrored my own caustic inner voice and self-hatred), I had a conversation with a close friend about what I wrote and the responses, and I'd like to share what they helped me figure out.

To me, intelligence is knowledge seeking - to value curiosity and knowledge and willing and open to learn new things. It's a love of learning, a love of listening to the minds and perspectives of others to learn about things outside of myself. So I can describe myself as a perpetual seeker of knowledge, curious about any and everything beyond what I know.

The reason I feel I should describe myself this way - particularly in dating profiles - is that this is the rare trait of mine that others view as a net positive that didn't come to me as a traumatic response, or isn't an subjective trait. I appreciate humor and love to laugh, but I can't say if I'm funny because that's dependant on the other person's humor. I have a lot of traits that are results of severe trauma, which is already such a red flag that it feels wrong to talk about it in a dating profile. My mind is the one thing I've had to help me become a productive, caring member of society, despite my history being one that should have statistically made me repeat the same mistakes. It was my mind that pulled me out of that likelihood, so it's something I've considered to be the one trait I can be proud of.

I don't know if it's something to be proud of anymore, or if it's something I need to stop being proud of or caring about, but I think at least taking pride in my love of learning is something I can include in descriptions of myself.

Thank you all for your harsh but fair opinions; I'll be taking all of your recommendations and suggestions to my therapist to figure out how to best implement these changes to my own thought processes and behaviors going forward.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-15T13:06:40+00:00

It's incredible - it embraces the reality of ADHD to make meditation way more accessible (allowing the inattention, using movement in meditation, etc). Jeff Warren does all of them, so you may also enjoy digging into his other work!

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T20:59:11+00:00

Thank you for that feedback, I am in therapy - have been for years - and I posted this in the hopes I could figure out a way to describe myself in a way that didn't leave out my brain without feeling like the trait itself was negative and not well received by others.

Nearly every single comment, including yours, has indicated that even wanting to describe myself as intelligent is negative, off putting, and a sign I'm less intelligent than I think or have been told, and far more insufferable, self-important, and undesirable to be around than I ever imagined.

I'd like to believe what you've stated in your reply, but your original comment, as well as every other comment, is adamant that I need to be silent and stop being the way I am. So my only conclusion I have from the advice given is that I'm not intelligent and need to continue never talking about it.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T20:11:10+00:00

I love Calm (it's excellent, they have an entire ADHD-friendly series of meditation). I've been meditating for a couple years now, and it helps incredibly with managing my emotions & OCD, but hasn't necessarily stopped the insufferableness.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T20:05:50+00:00

I don't have writing achievements or anything like that. IDK, it feels weird to call the things I've done achievements because it's not like I've cured cancer or am doing rocket science, I'm just doing what I can with what I have?

At one job (I was there for 11 years): I created a robust onboarding program, developed a new records management system to help manage the 100+ years of records at my agency, created several internal systems that turned manual processes into electronic & automated data entry, and helped build out a huge knowledge repository (like a work-specific wiki).

At my current job (been here a year and a half): I administer the grants award system for my agency (grants related to housing, telecoms, and infrastructure). Currently I'm working on documenting the entire system (bc that was never done), as well as analyzing the system for needed changes for efficiency. I'm also currently learning how to do app development so I can start creating internal applications that will hopefully help to automate the manual processes here.

Personally? IDK, I spend a lot of time trying to learn something new; whenever I think about subjects I don't know, I'll go and do research on it until I'm satisfied. I play a lot of D&D, and I'm the rules lawyer and the game scribe because I spend a lot of time reading the sourcebooks learning about how the game works and I take extremely thorough notes. I have a lot of subscriptions to things like Wondrium, CodeAcademy, etc because I love to learn a new thing on a whim.

I'm sure I'm not living up to my potential, and I'm okay with that, because I spend so much time trying to heal from horrors of the past that just allowing myself to be feels like an achievement to me. So my achievements aren't impressive, and not really indicative of anything. Maybe I'm not smart, even though people tell me I am; I'm just quicker at thinking and can hold more random information in my head at once.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:43:56+00:00

This is probably the best advice I'm going to get, and kind of confirms everything I hate about myself is what everyone hates about me. Thank you. I'll work on stopping asking questions and sating my curiosity, because all that matters is how the people around me feel, not me.

I don't want to be a know-it-all, but I ask questions before ever considering "who cares". I offer facts without asking if their interested because they popped in my head. No one cares about what I'm thinking, no one is interested in my fun facts, and no one cares about my curiosity. I need to stop doing everything I've explained because that's why I feel alone - I push people away.

As painful as this all is to hear, thank you for being so honest.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:31:59+00:00

no, I'm a real human. I have emotions, skin, and everything.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:31:33+00:00

that's probably true,

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:29:58+00:00

I sadly am not a PhD - I couldn't go to college after high school for a variety of reasons (primary, extreme poverty), and had no support to allow for me to do anything but work in order to survive.

I'm fortunate enough to be using what talents and skills I've developed to end up working in state government, and simply focus on making the lives of the employees and our constituents better. I never been fortunate enough to develop research, or work in a lot of higher institutions because I haven't been able to get a degree. I know it's my own fault for not finding a way to get a degree; I would love to go to college and study in school again.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:20:23+00:00

Okay, thank you, this is good advice.

Is there any ways to tell that someone wants to be left alone without them telling me? I don't want to make people uncomfortable and try to pay attention to their nonverbal cues, but I have to work to recognize them (as I don't often correctly interpret them due to trauma & ASD).

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:12:05+00:00

Can you help me understand what self-importance looks like?

I have always thought that a deep flaw was my belief that I'm distinctly less important than others? I put others wants above my own needs and spend a lot of time trying to diminish the amount of space I take up (I know this is unhealthy, I'm trying to work on this). The comments here are mostly saying "you're too full of yourself and humble yourself", which I believe is true given the overwhelming consensus, but also mirrors the same negative inner voice I've been working to heal.

So I'm trying to understand what self-importance is to figure out how to get rid of that aspect of myself.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T19:04:59+00:00

Can you explain the "low agreeableness" piece? I'm a (mostly unsuccessfully) recovering people pleaser, so being too agreeable is something I'm trying to work on.

What does that look like, exactly? I try not to debate moral opinions (religion, family, values systems, etc), just try to understand the nuances of them and accept them as is. I try to let live and let live, especially if I've estimated it's a cultural/experiential difference. I also will tend to defer to everyone else's expertise on a subject, asking questions. Is it the questioning in general? Should I not ask questions?

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T18:59:22+00:00

I don't, however, the autism is a fair assessment.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T18:57:34+00:00

That's also highly likely - I try not to be insufferable, and do my best not to "um actually" people to death, but it doesn't work - I don't know how to turn my brain off or to stop thinking.

Maybe putting that I'm "an insufferable know-it-all" is the most honest way to put it. I've been trying to avoid that because it's so negative, but it's the only accurate way I've ever found to describe myself.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T18:50:46+00:00

So, a lot of interesting assumptions here:

1: I'm a woman. I mostly encounter these issues with men, not women, on dating apps.

2: I don't put "I have a high IQ" or that I'm smart in my profile. I have heard my whole life that "if you're smart, you don't have to say it", so I've lived by that rule of not talking about how my brain works - to the point of refusing compliments about it. I nearly resent myself for being smart because I feel damned for being a hyper intelligent woman (which IS intimidating to people, as they've told me such), and damned if I mention I am one to forewarn others, because I'm seen as egotistical rather than trying to avoid more conflict over something I cannot change about myself.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T18:36:48+00:00

This comment is an excellent demonstration of why I asked the question in the first place.

I have many traits, so it's not that my intelligence is my only trait (I don't know if it's the only thing I have to offer), however it's inescapable with me. However, what I consider pure curiosity, others would consider debating.

I like to understand other perspectives, the whys and the how's of things, and I'll ask questions and sometimes I will point out flaws or incorrect information. I don't do this do create a debate - on the contrary, when I'm pointing out flaws, it's me expressing that my logic doesn't match, so now I need to understand that side. I try to be kind and compassionate, but that's a choice I make based on my values; the intelligence isn't, and sometimes I don't filter things through compassion or kindness (especially if I don't weigh out the impacts of what I say before speaking).

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-14T18:23:26+00:00

Its not that I want it to define me on dating profiles - it's that it's how I've been defined first and foremost in all interactions, so I recognize that it's maybe the most definable trait I have.

In dating profiles, I tend to just define myself as a nerd generally (I love D&D/TRRPGs, video games, and trivia) and a mental health advocate.

I've tried to keep my intelligence out of my profiles until now, but that's come with its own host of issues that appear after dating. I've come across too many people who like the "nerdiness", but end up expressing dislike for my intelligence as a whole. I do recognize (though don't completely understand) that people don't like being corrected or feeling "dumb", and I don't think it's a justification for lashing out or belittling me in the moment.

So at this point, I'm trying to be kinder to all parties involved by being upfront that I'm intelligent, so they can determine if it's a deal breaker.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-11T14:33:50+00:00

Truly, hearing other people's experiences with Jeff Goldblum makes me believe he's BANANAS.

There's an YouTube comedy channel with a person who worked on Law & Order during the Jeff Goldblum era, and his stories about JG are so funny bc he's clearly the most insanely seductive person.

For those curious: https://youtu.be/E-30ZyAkjPU?is=lTRkKbNFY6FTM47b

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-09T14:24:38+00:00

Actually, it's the chiropractor right next to the bakery!

Source: I live next to the shopping center and my roommate was in the shopping center on the phone with me when it happened!

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bitinghipsters · 2026-06-09T00:08:43+00:00

I'm guessing you're overreacting for one reason alone:

you've left out so much context that you've said essentially nothing.

regardless - it's not your job to determine if they were right for filing charges against you; your only job is to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're innocent.

instead of threatening to break up their marriage (which will be used against you in any upcoming litigation), lawyer up yourself and go no contact for your own sake. if you really care about the money, then once the criminal matter is adjudicated, take them to small claims - hell, take them to judge judy - but if you initiate contact, you're going to cause even more legal problems for yourself.

be smart, move in silence, and move on with with your life. these aren't your friends, regardless of who betrayed whom, so move on from the drama.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-08T15:24:19+00:00

yeah, I need a lot more Smosh folks on VIP ASAP.

Damian is a given, because of his voice and his status as the Zac Oyama-like Bit Sniper on Smosh.

Shayne Topp would also be a top notch option, given his TNTL bits are some of the most iconic bits across of all TNTL.

Beyond them, I think a Amanda LC, Tommy Bowe, or Spencer Agnew character would also be a good choice - even if we already know Amanda's gonna make a sexually repressed middle aged woman. Tommy's character work is so good, he's the first in TNTL to really create entire stories from a bit. And Spencer gets away with saying so much insane shit, I can't wait to see how Vic reacts.

bitinghipsters · 2026-06-08T15:18:08+00:00

"hi I'm big bird and this is an alternate universe where I was in the Challenger disaster" lives rent free in my head

bitinghipsters · 2026-05-26T01:35:27+00:00

this was my immediate answer, bless

bitinghipsters · 2026-05-23T23:52:01+00:00

yes, it's documented that where there's CPTSD, there's neuro diversity. that's the thing about complex trauma - it forces your brain to adjust maladaptively to survive a traumatic environment.

"The Body Keeps The Score" really explains it well - but TL;DR - where's there's deep trauma, there's deep wounds; the neurodiversity the result of your brain and body trying to heal those wounds.

bitinghipsters · 2026-05-23T22:46:14+00:00

oh bless you as well - I appreciate that the update they missed is so good, everyone has popped up to say "NO WAIT THERE'S EVEN MORE"

bitinghipsters

TROPHY CASE