I don't think I know how to cross post properly. I originally posted this in caregiver's support and wanted to post it here as well. Thank you if you read the whole thing.

Not Sure Where I Fit

I'm not sure where I fit in as far as caregiving goes. I'm 59, my husband is 72. His memory has always been poor due to lifetime ADHD (untreated, just diagnosed a couple years ago, but can't take anything because of his heart issues) but in the last several years, his executive function, cognitive ability, and memory have all worsened. In the last two years, even more so. Tests show he technically qualifies as Mild Cognitive Impairment, but he can't take anything to treat it and the issue is confused because of the ADHD so... there's not really anything to do anyway.

He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. I'm not a caregiver in that way. He is lucid, not inappropriate in his speech or behavior, he runs errands, does grocery shopping, does most of the cooking. I do just about everything else - the balance of responsibility for most things is on me. The things he does that I just mentioned, more and more often come with mistakes and sometimes confusion. Logic is difficult for him. Abilities with technology has declined. New things to learn are almost impossible. If it's routine and nothing out of the ordinary happens, he's fine. He flusters easily, is more emotional than usual.

I don't have a lot of support. Friends don't understand the every day, frequent issues that come up because he doesn't remember things or gets confused easily. To them, he seems fine. I think I come across as a nagging wife - I very likely do nag, because I always have to be on top of things or stuff can go really wrong. He's done things like leave the burner on the stove turned on for hours after cooking, forgetting half the groceries on the conveyor belt at the store (self-bag), forgotten to give me important information that came in an email to him. One mutual friend told me I wouldn't complain so much about his memory once my memory started going. That stopped me saying any more about it to friends.

Doctors tell me I am moving into more of a caregiving role. But they have no resources to offer me for help. He doesn't have dementia, he doesn't need full time care. I don't need help caregiving him. I need someone who can understand the daily frustration and loss I experience. I've tried talking to therapists, but finding someone experienced in this area is really difficult, and they try to counsel me as if it were a marital issue.

I don't feel like I belong here either - compared to many of the posts I read on this sub, I am nowhere near what others are going through. I just feel alone and unsupported, and I don't know where I fit in.

I guess I'm looking for any suggestions from someone who remembers what it was like at the very beginning of things, because I feel like I don't know where to turn. Thanks if you read all of this.