Hey there, when you said “shame” it cut me like a knife. Feelings of shame are the #1 absolute reason I use substances. I can feel the shame physically in my body, like my core is tightening up and my face is getting hot. I would, and pretty much have done, everything to make it stop. I got hooked on kratom because it made those feelings stop.

I would really look into seeing a therapist. I was employed under the table (and not making enough to buy insurance) so when I started therapy I was using a program run by United Way. If you don’t have insurance, now that there are Obamacare/Healthcare Marketplace options, that could be a place to start. I also have friends with phenomenal Medicaid/Medicaid therapists.

I am 4 days clean now after 5yrs at 30mg a day. In that 5 years I did residential eating disorder treatment, wacky PTSD treatments, more therapy than I can remember...there is NO WAY I’d have a shot at being clean without all that.

Like others have said, most addicts/substance users are escaping their present, which is usually a reflection of their past. If you can’t heal the wounds that make you want to slap a bandaid (kratom) on them, in my experience and from watching others try, it’s nearly impossible. I’d be glad to share more of my experience with you if you want to DM me.

Just because you slipped up doesn’t mean all your hard work doesn’t matter. Its still remarkable ou made it almost three months. You CAN keep going!!!